This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 13 May 2013

Dan Brown's new translation of the Mass

Following on from a pathetic pastiche called The Da Mian Cod and the rather more ambitious Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown, by a deacon in good standing, it has been announced that Dan Brown, in conjunction with the Bitter Pill, has produced a new translation of the Mass, which Catholics are urged to adopt forthwith.

Father Brown

Literary giant Dan Brown attends the launch of his new Missal at the Vatican.

For the first time, we are able to release some excerpts from the new Creed, as translated by Dan Brown.

I believe in one divine God,
the paternal Father, almighty and known for being very competent,
reputed for making things, indeed He
made the celestial Heaven and terrestrial earth,
and all things visible and invisible, including things you can see 
and things you can't see. Plus a few things that you can
sometimes see but not always, like the Moon.
invisible man

The invisible man - never mentioned in official Vatican documents.

...I believe in one Lord, the highly-esteemed Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Celebrity Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages - which includes the
Ice Age, the Stone Age, the Bronze Age and the Iron Age.

The Ice Age: Robert Langdon discovered that this was a cold time.

... was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,
and became man.
Also he married Mary Magdalene and had children, but they
keep this secret from you.
St Mary Magdalene

Mary Magdalene, a woman with a secret.

...He ascended into heaven, which is
a bit like going up in an elevator, 
only without the whirring sound,
and is seated at the right hand of the Father, 
which He keeps at the end of His right arm.
elevator or lift

A rough idea of how the Ascension works.

The next step will be to translate this back into Latin for use at EF Masses.

Meanwhile, Lord Falconer is to present a bill to the House of Lords this week: it would introduce a system allowing doctors to provide a fatal dose of drugs to patients judged to have less than six months to live.

Lord Falconer

Overweight, probably a bad health risk. Will he last 6 months?

It's generally considered by Christians that euthanasia is a bad idea (as indeed is suicide), and, looking around, we see many people who might be in danger of being "pushed off the edge."

Enda Life

Enda Kenny - could that problem with his mouth be fatal?

Many Irish, worried about the horrible things Enda Kenny's mouth keeps producing, are hoping to club together to send him to a clinic in Switzerland... or England... or indeed anywhere except Ireland.

Finally, as a bit of light relief from the serious items above, we attended a service at the Church of the Holy Bubbles, and were pleased to see the dignity and holiness with which the Mass was celebrated.

Bubble Mass

The Elevation. "Take thee much soap" (Jeremiah 2:22, KJV).

Bubble Mass

Don't worry, this is not Pope Francis.

Pope Francis, as a former chemist, is of course extremely capable of synthesising bubbles whenever he wishes, although he has the wisdom to recognise that the Mass is not the most appropriate occasion for this.

Pope Francis sends out bubbles

Pope Francis sends a giant bubble in pursuit of a heretic.


  1. That's not Mary Magdalen's picture - it is Mary O'Ragin', blogger and journalist.

    1. Any relation to Mary O' Tharg, I wonder.

    2. Indeed, Bruvver Eccles. Just as there are a confusing number of Marys (Mary Cleophas/Mary'nMartha Mary mother of (fill in blank) etc) in the Gospels, so there are many in the Eccles blogoverse.

  2. I was eating something while reading this. Darn near choked when I saw the caption on the Invisible Man!

  3. It’s hard to feel sorry for ‘poor’ Dan Brown as he banks more millions from his latest effort to channel Emile Zola.

    But will he have a “J’acccuse…!” moment?

  4. “The crowd gasped audibly...............Sienna gasped audibly............Langdon’s gasp of revelation was audible”.