This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Church Membership in Decline

Jerusalem, Easter Day, AD 33. Shocking figures in this week's Catholic Herald (editor, Matthew Bar-Alphaeus) indicate that Church Membership, which stood at over 5,000 only a few months ago, has plummeted to around 25 (including 11 apostles, various people called Mary, a centurion, etc.)

Feeding 5000

The Church, in healthier days, at a parish picnic.

Dr Joseph of Arimathea, of the Latin Mass Society, linked the decline to the wrenching changes in the Church produced by the Crucifixion. However, a new initiative, the Resurrection, was announced today; as a result there were predictions that around 500 people might be joining the Church within the next 40 days, with a corresponding increase in apostolic vocations. A further initiative was planned within 50 days.

Dr Joseph Shaw

Dr Joseph of Arimathea - planning a trip to the Glastonbury Festival?

Critics have said that religion as a whole is in decline, partly as a result of the secularising attitudes of Prime Minister "Call me Tibe" Tiberius, regarded by some as a living god with his own temple at Smyrna. Certainly Tiberius has surrounded himself with assistants who are no friends of Christianity, such as one (rumoured to be Pontius Pilate) who this week described the eleven remaining apostles as "swivel-eyed loons" for their opposition to Tibe's policies on orgies, massacres and same-sex marriage.

Conservative Party headquarters, Smyrna

Conservative Party headquarters, Smyrna.


  1. Perhaps if Dave (oh, sorry, Tibe) recommended extending membership to horses, it would increase membership - he could then win popularity by extending marriage to include the new members? xx Jess

  2. Perhaps Antonius Ben Bliar might be resurrected to address the loon problem…?

  3. Gor, subsequently known as "Tony the Tiber" (Frosties, theyrrrre grrreat!)

    Tony's success is down to the sugar coating he puts on everything

  4. Smyrna is great for fishing - Poly Carp is abundant.