This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Pope Francis appoints new advisers

Following the appointment of the "Cardinal from Hell", God-freed Danneels, as a special choice for the 2014 Synod on the Family, Pope Francis has now revealed the names of some more "family experts" who will be attending the 2015 Synod with the rank of Cardinal, in order to interpret the will of the Holy Spirit.

Elton John

Kasper lookalike, Cardinal John.

Cardinal John is known to be an expert on the family, having been married to both a woman and a man at various times. In addition, he is revered for the miracle of the motherless babies. Owing to his quiet and reclusive nature, little is known about him, but our extensive researches on Google have revealed that he is interested in music.

Richard Dawkins

Cardinal Dawkins, the world's oldest teenager.

Although not a Catholic in the traditional sense, it is fair to say that Cardinal Dawkins is inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II, showing that it is possible to be a Catholic without tying oneself down to any particular beliefs. His writings are said to have made more Catholic converts than the entire Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, although he is also known for his sympathetic study of Islam, F*** off, Mohammed, you never won a Nobel Prize! A zoologist, theologian, poet and clown, he has strong views on the morality of allowing children with Down's syndrome to live.

Rolf Harris

Cardinal Harris, a more controversial choice.

Since Cardinal Harris is currently behind bars for indecent assault, Pope Francis believes that he offers a unique perspective on family life. It may be thought that such a person should not be a cardinal, let alone an adviser to synods, but they said that about Cardinal Danneels too. By giving Cardinal Harris Vatican citizenship, and arranging for his deportation to Rome, Pope Francis hopes that he will entertain the Synod with his famous song "Tie me cardinal down, sport!"

Stephen Fry

Cardinal Fry adopts a young lad.

No public event would be complete without the presence of Stephen Fry, and as we speak, the organizers of the Arundel and Brighton 50th anniversary festival are keeping him in reserve in case Fr Timothy Radcliffe can't make it - very few people can tell the difference between their views. It is true that Cardinal Fry has condemned Catholics - sometimes in obscene tones - but this sort of language is very similar to what was used at the 2014 Synod when the microphones were switched off. Definitely someone to bring Catholic teaching into the 21st century.


  1. Stephen Fry's son looks like he's a little embarrassed to be with his Dad.

  2. You missed out Cardinal (Polly) Toynbee, Eccles. Never misses an opportunity to preach against Christianity. Although she can get quite gooey-eyed about other religions of which she knows even less, if possible.

  3. It would be amusing if it was beyond the realm of possibilities.

  4. This is as good as satire gets. Wake up, you 'media savvy' toss**s in the Vatican. You have lost the battle. Danneels must go.

  5. Shortly celebrating my 77th birthday I was wondering how us oldies might fare at the Amex A&B diocesan jubilee celebration. However the Diocesan newspaper reassures us:

    "Fear not about joining us for the Festival 50 celebrations if you are disabled, frail or elderly. We are providing a lounge with refreshment facilities where you can rest with your carer if the excitement of the day is too much ..."

    Well I hope excitement covers apoplexy. The refreshments are to be provided by the "world renowned caterer SODEXO PRESTIGE".

    My remaining problem is that my carer flatly refuses to go. What do I do?

    And then there is a message from Fr Raniero Cantalamessa OFM Cap about our "celebrating the 50th anniversary of your local Church".

    Perhaps the news that St Augustine made it a bit further than Kent has not yet percolated back to Rome.

  6. All above are already candidates for beautification and CONanisation subito santo.

    1. They could certainly do with some "beautification"!