Parlez-vous Ivereigh?

Following Dr Austen Ivereigh's courageous correction of Queen Elizabeth's use of, er, the Queen's English*, he is now working on a new phrase book explaining how we should all talk.

*Don't worry, Austen, you won't be sent to the Tower until the pandemic is over.

Oh, your Majesty, if only Austen had been there to advise you!

We are happy to present a few examples of Ivereigh-speak from the new phrase book.

English: Dictator.
Ivereigh: Wounded shepherd.

Example of usage: "Mussolini was a notorious wounded shepherd."

Wounded shepherd.

English: Convert.
Ivereigh: Neurotic.

Example: Greet my dear friend Epenetus, who was the first neurotic in the province of Asia. Romans 16:5.

St Epenetus the neurotic.

English: Traditional Catholic.
Ivereigh: Gay.

Example: Until the 1960s, all Catholic worship was gay.

Don't let Austen in - he's not gay!

English: Destroyer of idols.
Ivereigh: Fascist.

Example: When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, his anger burned and he turned into a fascist. Exodus 31: 19-20.

"Moses, you're a fascist!"

How to be a hermit

In these days of plague, many people are being recommended to become hermits (the term is "self-isolation"). These include anyone who has come into contact with the coronavirus, visited the same country as an infected person, seen anything about it on television, or even read Camus's La Peste. So that's all of us.

You can wear a smart suit, or dress like this if you prefer.

Being a hermit is not always easy. There is the true, spiritually nourishing, story of St Honoratus, who went to the Îles de Lérins off Cannes to seek seclusion as a hermit. However, he was too good at it, and soon lots of disciples turned up to see how he did it. As he sat in his cell, he was constantly interrupted by cries of "How's the hermit life going?" "Are you doing it now?" "What happens next?" "Peace and quiet are wonderful, aren't they? I said PEACE AND QUIET ARE WONDERFUL, AREN'T THEY?" And so on.

So if celebrating Mass as we recommended doesn't seem to be working, and you do decide to self-isolate, here are some useful tips.

An axe. In case anyone comes visiting. A sign saying "UNCLEAN!" should keep most people away (it certainly works for us in Mass), but there will always be Mr Nosey from church who insists on doing the Sign of Peace with poor unsuspecting hermits. That was one of the famous sufferings of St Honoratus.

Food. Get stuff that lasts a long time. Eccles cakes are like Tolkien's dwarf bread, and will keep for months. Meat doesn't really last: you may have thought of buying a hippopotamus and cutting a piece off every day, but we really wouldn't advise it. And nor would the hippopotamus.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Toilet paper. 20 rolls per day should be sufficient. Or use the collected works of Richard Dawkins (which is better than they deserve).

Hand wash or soap. Well, if you're on your own, there's really no need to wash at all, and nobody will notice that you smell like a [offensive stereotype deleted]. Still, do scrape off a layer of dirt every month or so.

Spiritually nourishing reading. From the depths of our hearts by Pope Benedict XVI and Cardinal Sarah, is a good choice, because it winds up so many people. Wounded Shepherd, by Austen Ivereigh, one of the people wound up by our first choice, is probably a waste of time, and should join the Dawkins books (see above). The Bible's quite a cracker too - plenty of sex and violence, some jolly psalms for you to sing while washing your hands (if you're fed up with singing "Happy Birthday to you"), and a truly apocalyptic ending, where St John goes to Patmos and unmasks the criminal.

Pontius Pilate sings "Happy Birthday to you".

Happy hermitting!

New Austen Ivereigh book

Following the success of his first book, "Austen Ivereigh, the great reformed character," Pope Francis is pleased to announce that his new book on the World's Greatest Catholic Journalist is now about to appear.

The new book, oddly in "Dictator Pope" colours.

"Weird scribbler" tells the story of Austen Ivereigh over the last six years, starting with his creation of Catholic Voices, in which his spokesmen gave a completely orthodox Catholic take on events. Then, in a complete 180-degree turn, Ivereigh started writing more and more implausible articles of his own, throwing out his own eccentric ideas and getting in a heavy dose of score-settling.

Austen spits on hundreds of years of Catholic tradition.

The motive for Pope Francis's writing this new pot-boiler is not hard to find (apart from a general financial crisis in the Vatican). We shall soon see the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists, in which Ivereigh, Mickens, Lamb, Spadaro, Rosica, Martin,... will all take part, and it's clear that this is ultimately the Holy Father's preferred candidate.

Francis presents Austen with a copy of his earlier book.

Of course "journalist" is to be interpreted in the widest sense, and to include scribblers who have other jobs as well - whether it be priest, theologian or simply marketing their own brand of beans. We mention this latter example, as Prof. Massimo Faggioli is also to be taken seriously as a candidate.