This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles
Showing posts with label orange. Show all posts
Showing posts with label orange. Show all posts

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Orange bids for the Catholic Church

Telecommunications giant Orange today announced a hostile takeover bid for the Catholic Church, which, if successful, should mean significant changes in the way the "customer in the pew" is treated.

nasty orange

The future may be orange.

The Vatican has reacted angrily to the takeover bid, with Pope Francis encouraging all Catholics to boycott Orange. In response, the ever-loyal Tablet has signed up its managing director, Tom Orange, as a new columnist, and Tina Beattie has written an article explaining that Veneration of the Virgin should really be Veneration of the Orange.

Pope Pius XII

How odd. They want to speak to my Superior.

If the Orange bid goes ahead, then priests will be replaced by "customer service personnel", mostly based in India, who will start to hear customers' confessions and hang up half way through. The standard of services in general will decline, and customers may well find themselves "cut off" from God without notice.

orange Mass

What you will see - a Mass in the new "company" vestments.

Tom Orange was at pains to reassure Catholics that they would see very few differences from what they are used to, but Irish Catholics in particular have pointed out that ever since the days of his ancestor, William of Orange, they have been deeply dissatisfied.

William III

William of Orange - once a hostile bidder for the Catholic church.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

The Gay Murder Debate

From the blog of Father Z, author of "I'm a St Mark's Man" and "Cannon Law Made Simple".

orange

Say the black, do the red, and eat the orange.

Should homosexuals be allowed to commit murders, when such conduct is forbidden to heterosexuals? Sometimes their crimes don't get any publicity, do they? Try Googling "Jack the Ripper", a notorious heterosexual murderer, and you´ll find there are millions of hits. But try Googling "Htarfogh Jukjlpop", a "gay" murderer from Latvia, and you'll find hardly any mention of his crimes!

At the end of Mass last Sunday, I heard two of the congregation - probably homosexual - talking. "Fancy a takeaway?" said one. "I could murder a Chinese or an Indian," said the other. "Or how about something Italian? A pastor maybe?" [This bit goes in black bold square brackets because it's where I needed a lie down.] Everyone talks about Custer's last stand against the Native American Indians, but do they mention gay Catholics attacking pastors? [Now would be a good time to scratch your ear if you feel like it - remember, say the black and do the red!]

Custer

General Custer - persecuted for not being "gay".

Remember St Paul's letter to the Roman Catholics? "It has come to my attention that some of my brethren have been indulging in unnatural sexual practices and sometimes murder. Be sure that the Lord doth not approve. By the way I am sending you a parcel of Mystic Monk coffee, as an aid to digestion and virtue."


From the blog of Damian Thompson, once described as a "custard-crazed ferret".

King of Custard

Damian Thompson.

Father Z's blog shows the most disgusting nasty vile disgraceful homophobia that I have seen since Brother Eccles mocked the late Soho Masses on his own blog. May I point out that on the Telegraph blogs we have 200 gay bloggers, and I do not know of any who are murderers! Also, I think you'll find that it was General Custard, and not Custer, who was such an enemy of the Indians.

A close personal contact in Rome, Signora Odone, who cleans the papal washrooms, has kept her ear to the ground, and she assures me that Catholic teaching on the rights of homosexuals to commit murder is sure to evolve.

Father Z's ranting reminds me of the worst excesses of Adolf Hitler. Which is a cue for an amusing story: when Hitler heard of the defeat at Stalingrad, he went mad and started biting the carpet. But, his staff told us, "He always made sure that he had plenty of custard on it!"


A deacon writes.

Eccles is getting at me again, I see, from the references to Hitler, above. Call me the Deacon from Hell, mock me all you want, but spare my family, and above all spare my pet goldfish, Adolf.

goldfish

Adolf, a goldfish in good standing.

After a campaign of stalking and harassment some brilliant detective work, I am finally ready to reveal the true identity of Eccles! It is a town somewhere to the south-west of Manchester. And he thought he could keep this a secret!