Spiritual experiences

We report today from the General Synod of the Church of England, where the Bishop of Bath and Wells, the Rt Rev. Peter Price, has announced that rioting can be, literally, an ecstatic spiritual experience.

A monk obtaining spiritual nourishment

His thesis was taken up by the Bishop of Dartmoor, who encouraged young people seeking spiritual nourishment to try mugging people in the street. Said the bishop, "In this day and age, the Anglican church doesn't seek spirituality through prayer and fasting, let alone the Mass. Young people become closer to God when they see the possibility of grabbing someone's handbag and spending the proceeds on drugs."

It is better to receive than to give

The Bishop of Parkhurst added a new dimension to the debate. "Young people in my diocese tell me that what they are really after is the opportunity of robbing banks. These days, banks and bankers are rightly regarded as the lowest of the low. If Jesus were here now, can one doubt that he would have led his disciples in a daring raid on the Bank of Jordan?"

At Jordan's Bank the burglar alarm announces that the Lord is nigh

Deep theological insight was also provided by the Bishop of Pentonville, who argued that in this day and age, murder could hardly be regarded as a sin, more as a way for frustrated teenagers to express themselves. "Do unto others before they do it unto you, Jesus always said," commented the bishop. "We must not deprive our youngsters of the opportunities for violence that we had when we were young."

Church of England approved spiritual reading

Winding up the debate, the Archbishop of Canterbury commented that, on the one hand theft and murder were traditionally regarded as sins, but on the other hand it was hardly meaningful to talk of Good and Evil in the 21st century. In a very real sense he welcomed this opportunity for a constructive dialogue.

Would the Bishop who stole my wallet please own up now?

Do-it-yourself Thompson blog

Instructions: pick one item from each section, and combine them. Then Voilà! you have your Saturday column. Never mind if it doesn't make sense - it isn't supposed to!

The Mormons are addicted to cupcakes, which is why Archbishop Mennini required a specially reinforced piano stool.

The Scientologists
The Mormons
The chattering classes
The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout
Societies that believe in Hell
Left-wing, T-shirt-wearing nuns
Countless millions of computer addicts
American schoolchildren
The middle classes in Hyderabad
The overeducated American elite
Teenagers at a school in Xiaogong, central China
Several gay Hollywood stars
Members of Alcoholics Anonymous
Orange-skinned celebrities
Opus Dei

wield immense influence in Hollywood,
are extremely interested in money,
could never be part of the Church of England,
are keen on assisted suicide,
value their subsidised office spaces in east London,
would never be invited on Thought for the Day,
could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest,
self-medicate with sugary snacks,
are following the IV Drip Diet,
are snorting their ADHD medication,
have discovered party drugs,
are taken out of the local gene pool,
are anxious to join the Ordinariate,
would never visit old people in care homes,
might consider submitting to Pope Michael of Delia, Kansas,
are addicted to cupcakes,

Opus Dei could could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest, although Noele Gordon wandered naked into the showers at my health club.

although
but
which is why
and

Polly Toynbee
Tom Cruise
Eric Sykes
L. Ron Hubbard
Mitt Romney
Umair Haque
Dr Rowan Williams
Jeremy Paxman
Mark Easton
Edward Elgar
Archbishop Mennini
Lord Foulkes
Sir Paul McCartney
Beethoven
Richard Chartres
Mrs Gladys Mills
The Prince of Wales
Noele Gordon
Canon Brian Brindley
Edward Heath
Queen Victoria
Johann Hari
Jenny Jones
George Clooney

was known for being seriously overweight.
dabbled in the occult.
comes across as a ranting lefty.
acquired a reputation as a self-regarding young windbag.
secretly supported gay marriage.
wandered naked into the showers at my health club.
is the sort of person who would say "an hotel."
should not work for the BBC.
captures the English spirit with unmatched subtlety.
could promote clever, holy traditionalists.
drank too much whisky and attempted to dance with a 70-year-old lady.
bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.
wrote a set of piano variations on God Save the King.
never obtained a doctorate from the LSE.
should never be introduced as "Your highness."
had an indestructible perm.
required a specially reinforced piano stool.
took claret fortified with Scotch whisky.
wrote a Te Deum to celebrate Louis XIV’s victory against the English and Dutch.
supported the vandalism of GM crops.
poured Bird's Custard over a plateful of chips.

The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout are snorting their ADHD medication, but Edward Elgar bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5

1. And it came to pass that Richard, having passed his fiftieth year, decided to take unto himself a third wife.

2. For he said unto himself, "My genes cry out most woefully, 'Richard, it is not good for thee to be alone. Thou hast not changed thy socks for two years, and thy shirts lack buttons.'"

3. And many fair and virtuous women queued up outside Richard's house, saying, "Let us mingle our genes with thine, O mighty zoologist, thou who knowest the secrets of the blind watchmaker, and the deaf piano-tuner, yeah and even the completely mad lecturer."

4. For Richard had long since put aside the days of his youth, when he wrote mainly of chickens.

Shall I kill him now, Doctor?

5. And there came unto him a fair maiden, whose name was Leela, and she said, "O Richard, take me as thy wife, that I may stab thine enemies to death."

6. But Richard was looking for someone a little more intellectual. For his days of violence were still far in the future.

Probably too brainy for Dr Dawkins

7. And then another fair maiden, named Romana, threw herself before Richard. But he trampled her underfoot and went on his way.

Mrs Dawkins III relaxes with some friends

8. Finally, there came to him a lady from Gallifrey, one endowed with the finest of genes. And they were wed.

9. Then Richard finally achieved greatness, for he was appointed to the position of Simonyi Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford. And his enemies joked, saying "Simony, eh? Did he pay for his preferment?"

10. But the answer was No, it was just that this Simonyi was a man with far more money than sense.

A slight misunderstanding

11. Anyway, the people said, "At last, after 25 years in which he spake unto us of chickens and genes, Richard will finally help us understand all of science."

11. So they asked him many difficult questions about science, such as "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

12. And Richard said to himself, "Alas, they do not yet realise that I am an expert on all areas of science, and I know the ways of the Higgs Boson, the Benzene Ring and the Last Theorem of Fermat. Yeah, and chickens too, of course."

13. "But first I shall fire off a blizzard of pot-boilers, since frankly it is quite expensive being married to a lady from Gallifrey who keeps wanting to go home and see her mother; for even the abundant wealth of Mr Simonyi cannot pay the fares".

14. Meanwhile, further recognition came to Richard, in the form of many honorary degrees, from places as widespread as the Cyberman University of Mondas, the Dalek College of Skaro, and the University of Sontar.

Richard Dawkins in the academic dress of the University of Sontar

15. But as the new millennium arrived, the life of Richard reached a turning point; for he began to lose his last remaining grasp on reality. As we shall now see.

Continued in Chapter 7

Bad Hymns 6

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is Follow me, by Michael Cockett, another totally inappropriate hymn that has found itself into the Kevin Mayhew book of Vogon poetry Hymns for Hippies.

---

E: Michael Cockett, good to see you. Did you have a good journey here?

MC: Not entirely, Eccles, I had this uncanny feeling that someone was following me.

Monsieur, I was told to follow you

E: Never mind, I'm sure there's a rational explanation. Now in your hymn you seem to have copied and pasted huge swathes of Jesus's words, without worrying too much about the context.

MC: We've had a few complaints about that, Eccles. Lots of people have been going out to buy fishing-nets and boats just so that they could leave them upon the shore.

E: Yes, and then your friends removed them and sold them at car boot sales, eh?

MC: That's a vicious lie, Eccles!

For sale, to a good home

E: Now one thing you make people sing is The foxes have their holes and the swallows have their nests. Very true, I'm sure, but is it really the sort of thing that should be put into a hymn?

MC: But Jesus said it, so it must be worth singing! And it's organic!

E: So would you also sing Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?

MC: Great idea, Eccles. How about: You are vipers, you are vipers, You did not dance unto the pipers? Matthew 11 and 12, you see.

A priest having trouble with his congregation

E: You are vipers, you are vipers, Your car's lost its windscreen wipers? No, perhaps not.

MC: So, am I in contention for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award?

E: Well, maybe. But for real star quality you really want silly words, not just words that aren't suitable for singing. We'll let you know.

MC: Thanks. I'll be off now. By the way, don't forget to "follow me" on Twitter.

The god Patecatl

Since this is a leading religious blog, read by many people who are crying out for spiritual nourishment, we could not ignore the theological implications of the recent discovery of the god Patecatl.

The god Patecatl

This chap, who looks as though he were made of Lego, is part of Aztec mythology, a god of healing and fertility, and discoverer of peyoteas (all facts copied and pasted from Wikipedia verified by the department of Mexican studies at the University of Notting Hill).

Peyote is a cactus also known as cactus pudding, devil's-root, divine cactus, dry-whiskey, dumpling cactus, Indian-dope, mescal-buttons, turnip cactus, and white-mule. In the expert view of Dr Damian Thompson it is connected with addiction (but then so are ordinary dumplings, buttons and turnips).

An ordinary turnip: do not attempt to sniff this

So, you are asking, how did they discover the god Patecatl? Well, boffins in Switzerland were in fact looking for the Higgs boson, predicted in 1964 to explain the Brout-Englert-Higgs-Hagen-Guralnik-Kibble mechanism and... shall we skip this bit, which I'm sure you know already, and go back to the theology?

The latest news is that the god Patecatl has been sighted in Switzerland - in fact he seems to be spending much of his time going round and round in a Large Hadron Collider, swearing furiously every time he gets hit by a Proton.

Colliding with a Proton

Serious objections have expressed by religious leaders, mainly based on the Ten commandments, and specifically, "Thou shalt not have strange gods before Me." Thus, Professor Higgs is under pressure to explain why he has deliberately attempted to revive a long-discredited "strange god."

Well, I think that's all we have to say on the matter. If anyone tries to sell you a Higgs Boson, just say NO.

Unsaved people welcoming the news of the god Patecatl

Carry on Blogging

I'm scraping the barrel this week

by Damian Thompson

Where does Rowan Williams stand on gay marriage? He keeps giving out contradictory signals. Last week I went round to Lambeth Palace and asked him straight out "Are you in favour of gay marriage?" and he replied "That's sweet of you, Damian, but we can only ever be good friends." This is not the sort of moral leadership we expect.

It's in contrast with the Catholic Church. When I asked the Pope the same question, he threw a bucket of holy water over me and kicked me out of the Vatican. No messing about there!

---

Paxman, not afraid to ask difficult questions

As Chloe Smith discovered this week, Jeremy Paxman is something of a blood-crazed ferret, and does not hesitate to ask badly-briefed girls difficult questions about government policy, such as "Do you ever think you are incompetent?" Of course he would never ask such a question of someone really useless who might fight back, such as a Prescott or an Osborne.

I met him recently in the showers at my health club, and asked him "Do you have the balls to take on a real heavyweight?" He hastily covered himself with a towel and ran away, but not before I had seen more than I wanted to.

---

Vicar! Put thy clothes back on, we implore thee!

My colleague Tom Chivers has written a blog posting mocking the use of the words "Yes" and "No." These are the sort of words one associates with Jane Austen, and he is right to point out that in contemporary usage the forms "Yeah" and "Nah" are considered to be more correct. The sort of person who would say "Yes" is almost certainly an atheist or, worse, a Protestant.

I phoned up Rowan Williams and asked him "You would never say 'No,' would you?" and he replied "Damian, I told you, we can only be good friends." Sometimes his pronouncements are a little hard to understand.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 5

Continued from Chapter 4

1. So it came to pass that Richard called his book The Blind Watchmaker.

2. For the wise men of Oxford University Press had said unto him, "Your title The bloody useless clockmaker is a no-no, squire."

3. But Richard spake unto them saying, "I care not, really. Just keep sending me the royalties."

The blind watchmaker passes on his genes

4. And Richard was hailed as the new Darwin, yea, the only man who really understood how evolution worked.

5. And he considered chartering a boat, and sailing to the Galapagos islands therein, that he might improve on the work of Darwin, and perhaps become even more celebrated.

6. But in the end Richard hardened his heart against the idea; which is why we have no classic Voyage of the Chicken, to place alongside the Voyage of the Beagle.

Wildlife on the Galapagos Islands

7. Then Richard spake unto the World, saying, "Genetics is dead. Long live Memetics."

8. And those who liked Richard said, "His work has some memetic value," while those who did not said, "His work has some emetic value," which sounds exactly the same, really; no doubt both were right.

9. So the fame of Richard spread, and he won many awards. The Mooseknuckle Humanists' Club gave him their prestigious Golden Spleen award, and the Emperor Nero Burn-the-Christians revivalists presented him with a pair of engraved silver noseplugs.

10. And Richard was invited to give the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures for Children. Which is ironic, as he was neither a royalist nor a Christian, even if he belonged in an institution.

An audience of children listens with rapt attention

11. And Richard insisted that Christianity and Creationism were the same thing, and that this disproved Christianity. Q.E.D.

12. And God laughed.

13. Finally, even the men of Oxford recognised Richard's greatness, for they promoted him to the rank of Reader in Zoology, which means, "Not quite good enough to be a professor, but still pretty sound on chickens."

14. But there were men who spake against Richard, saying, "He is totally la-la, and needs to be in a mental home."

15. So they sought a hospital with a special ward for deluded megalomaniacs, which might be called the La-la Ward.

16. Which will bring us naturally to the next chapter, for by now Richard had put aside his second wife, and was driven by his genes to seek a third.

The Blind Matchmaker

Continued in Chapter 6

Thought for the Day

Ah, hello, Mr Christ, and welcome to the Today studio. May I call you "JC?" Now, our producer is very pleased that you have agreed to drop in and do a Thought for the Day broadcast today, as it is one in the eye for that Telegraph journalist (Thompson was it?) who said you would never be invited on the programme.

So, when we found out from Twitter that you were here for some sort of "Second Coming" event, our producer said, "Let's invite him, whoever he is." I guess you've got a busy schedule ahead, eh, JC? According to the briefing notes, you'll be judging the quick and the dead later on, then? A sort of World's Got Talent, I suppose.

He will come to judge the slow and the brain-dead

Still, you've got a nice day for this "Second Coming" of yours. You know, it was wise of you to wait until the Jubilee and the launch of The Fix were over - you wouldn't have wanted your event to be overshadowed by those, would you?

So, JC, I gather that you're not originally from these shores, but that you have been here before. Indeed, according to my notes, your feet in ancient time walked upon England's mountains green. Well, walking is good healthy exercise, and very important in our struggle against climate change, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Probably NOT the Messiah, out for a walk

Now, one of our regular contributors to Thought for the Day, the great Giles Fraser, says that he's very pleased you'll be doing the broadcast. He's something of an admirer of yours, even if he doesn't share very many of your opinions. So if you meet him in the hospitality room, try not to be overawed by his magnificence - he's only human!

"Of course Jesus's views need updating for 21st century audiences"

So let's look at the script now. Well, there are one or two problems, as I'm sure you'll appreciate. Could we put in a little work on those "Beatitudes" of yours? I'd suggest something like:

Blessed are ye, if ye struggle for equality and diversity; for ye shall receive large government grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye campaign against global warming; for ye shall receive large research council grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye sing the praises of Europe; for ye shall receive large European grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye renounce God and attack His churches; for the government will make laws to support you.

Perhaps also you could affirm your support for women bishops, abortion, euthanasia, and gay marriage? JC, sweetie, that sort of thing does go down terribly well with the sort of audience we're trying to attract.

VADE RETRO ME, SATANA !

Eh? What does that mean? It sounds wonderfully ethnically diverse, but I can't place it. Spanish, is it? And please don't shout, I've got a terrible headache...

It's a pity the Event clashes with Euro 2012 and Wimbledon

The Bishop's Letter

Your bishop

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

As you know the Pope has asked me to become the Secretary of the Congregation of Divine Worship and Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome (or Vice-Pope for short), and it is with great reluctance that I am leaving the good people of Leeds for pastures new, when my work is still undone.

The Vatican of the North

The Holy Father was concerned that I might find the Vatican a little claustrophobic, after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, but I told him that we should all be prepared to make sacrifices in order to serve God to the best of our abilities.

My successor as Bishop of Leeds has not yet been appointed, but I shall bequeath to him my collection of padlocks, guaranteed to fit church doors of any size, so that he may continue to close churches in the diocese on a regular basis.

Encouraging local industry in Allerton Bywater

In a spirit of Christian Charity I shall ignore one caustic remark made by Damian Thompson, namely "I hope Gammarelli has stocked up on XXXL archiepiscopal rig..." Although I am no longer the slim and athletic ice-skater that I used to be, my enemies will find that I can still be very slippery on occasion.

A problem in the 2012 CBCEW Ice-Skating Championships

By the way, I still have 5,000 copies of my most recent video nasty, "The Leeds diocese - what can we close next?" in case anyone would like one.

Saying farewell to the Bishop

What ho, Gabriele!

My butler, Paolo Gabriele

"BENEDICT!" screamed my Aunt Agatha. "What's all this I hear about money-laundering?"

I had just been giving an audience to a group of Catholic journalists from the Telegraph, and now had a bit of a headache. "Benny, old bean," said their leader, a man called Damian with funny hair, "don't you think that one of the great spiritual challenges of our day is addiction?"

Personally, I don't think that addressing the Pope as "Benny, old bean," is right - we don't read of Jesus addressing St Peter as "Pete, old bean," do we? - but then Damian is spiritual leader in his own right, so I said nothing. However, after a two-hour lecture on the dangers of compulsively downloading pictures of cupcakes from the Internet - I may have dozed off a little, and got some of the details wrong - I was glad to see Damian, Cristina, Tim and little Will leave. At least it wasn't Tony and Cherie Blair again, telling me how to rewrite 2,000 years of Catholic dogma.

Tony Blair giving me his blessing

So that is why I was lying in a darkened room, nursing my headache, when the door burst open, and my Aunt Agatha stormed in with her comment about money-laundering.

Now, being Pope isn't as easy as it may seem, you know. It's not all burning up the town in a Popemobile or sticking a "Kick me" sign on "lofty" Cormac when he comes round to unblock the drains - although these things do give some job satisfaction. You also have to be seen in church occasionally, give spiritual guidance to your flock worldwide, and deal with daily obscene phone calls from Sr Margaret Farley (frankly, she talks more like a sea-captain than a nun).

Lifelike blow-up Farley dolls on sale now, as a reappraisal of sexual theology

So I replied to my Aunt Agatha in no uncertain tones: "Really, Aunt, it's not my job to worry about the finances. We have accountants to do that."

"You really are a wastrel, Benedict," snapped my aunt. "It's time you got a proper job. Now, call your man Gabriele: he's the only one who knows what's going on round here."

"Splendid idea, Aunt Agatha," I replied. "Perhaps he can make me one of his pick-me-ups."

I rang the bell, and Gabriele shimmered in. Unfortunately, there was no pick-me-up to be seen: in fact he was carrying a pair of large suitcases.

"So, Gabriele," said my aunt. "Do you know what's going on in the Vatican?"

"Indeed, my lady," replied Gabriele. "It's all explained in these confidential documents. I was just taking them to my friend Gianluigi Nuzzi the journalist, for safe keeping."

A secret Vatican document

"Good man, Gabriele, I knew I could trust you!" I said.

Will Aunt Agatha intervene? Or will the details of the Vatican's annual spending on pizza, chips and beer be released to the press? Will Sr Farley turn up and make an improper suggestion? If we find out, we'll let you know.

Song from Twelfth Night

When that I was and a little tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.

Or, as portrayed by the Seven Ages of Man...

---

When that I was but a little boy called Knowles,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
They found my childish essays full of holes,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When as a young man, known to all as Tim,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I told Obama what I thought of him,
For the rain it raineth every day.

Sir Henry Morton Stanley in Africa

---

Then as a young-ish nerd by name of Tom,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I split infinitives with great aplomb,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When that I was but a balding chap called Dan,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I spoke and all the Europeans ran,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When that I was an addiction-crazy Dame,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I wrote six blogs essentially the same,
For the rain it raineth every day.

The Fix: How book-plugging is invading our lives and changing our world

---

When that I was but an aged man called Norm,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
My trolls were lefties from the lower form,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When that I was but a basket-case called Lean,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I wrote no facts, just propaganda green,
For the rain it raineth every day.

A nuclear power station. (Are you sure you've got that right, Geoffrey?)