This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 24 April 2015

Catholic Church changes teaching on abortion

Taking advice from Mrs Hillary Clinton, widely tipped to be the next president of the United States, the Catholic Church has decided to change its teaching on abortion. Following her comment that "deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed" so that killing off children is made easier, there has been a unanimous response of "Oh gosh, we never thought of that" from the Church.

watching Osama Bin Laden attack

Hillary and friends enjoy a webcam set up in Bill Clinton's office.

Mrs Clinton has angrily insisted that for many years she has been negotiating with Pope Francis and his predecessors by e-mail, explaining to them how they have totally misunderstood Catholic teaching, but unfortunately all the correspondence was accidentally deleted. You know how these things happen.

Bill, Hillary and Jean-Paul II

"I'll think about it" promises Pope John-Paul II.

Meanwhile, on these shores Mr Edward Miliband, a well-known atheist and politician, has declared that he wants to meet Pope Francis. Having been leader of the opposition for nearly five years, he has not previously shown the slightest interest in hopping on a plane to Rome (or even hanging around when Pope Benedict XVI visited), but the approaching election has concentrated his mind wonderfully, and he realises that he urgently has to challenge David Cameron for the votes of any so far undecided but gullible Christians.

Miliband and three groupies

All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter!

Coincidentally, the Pope has expressed a long-standing wish to meet Ed Miliband, in order to decide whether he is real. "Some people find the Christian faith difficult to accept," he said, "but believing that Ed Miliband is a real person is far more of a challenge."


  1. To give Ted Miliband his due, he actually mentioned the "resurrection" in Easter message unlike Dave Cameron.

  2. Well why wouldn't the church change its teaching on abortion. It seems to be getting ready to do so on the sanctity of marriage and sodomy. Oh dear, am I allowed to use the “S” word these days.

    Its all getting so confusing. Time for my whisky I think!

  3. I am sure the Clintons use black mail more than email when they really want something a little beyond the ordinary.

  4. Don't blame #Ed! Politicians all terrified to come out as pro-life! After all someone has to pay for all these babies! I mean the next generation of humans and bin men.