This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 1 January 2016

Top of the Christians

The Anglican Cranmer blog has published its new list of democratically-elected top UK Christians, and the winner is Nissar Hussain, the former England cricket captain who has been persecuted for his faith in the forsaken lands of the Islamic jihad (Bradford).

Last year I expressed my disappointment that Tony Blair did not make it onto the list (not to mention Tina Beattie, Thomas the Tank Engine and Fr Jack Hackett), but this year "our Tony" has been recognised as the truly pious, influential and rich warmonger that he really is.

Blair in a suit

The formal stage. Entrants later paraded in swimsuits as well.

Hilarity has been ensured by the inclusion of various other entertaining characters known to this blog: Giles Fraser, Tyson Fury, and a bunch of women "bishops" - well, it is an Anglican blog, and they take these things seriously. Of course there have been complaints about the results from those who don't understand the democratic process - not enough women, not enough ethnic diversity, hardly any Muslims, etc.

Abu Hamza

Not elected. Religious and disablist discrimination in action.

There are some excellent Catholics on the list, but no Catholic bishops. Vincent Nichols goes into the dustbin of history (oh dear, how sad, never mind) but none of his colleagues is famous enough to take his place. James MacMillan makes it, but Paul Inwood doesn't, in spite of - or perhaps because of - his contribution to the Year of Mercy. Again: oh dear, how sad, never mind, ch-ch.

Bad news for Catholic journalists too. Tim Stanley is deservedly there again, but where is Damian "cupcake" Thompson?


Damian starred in a major film this year, but still did not make the cut.

Actually, Spectatre's "Bond girl", Isabel Hardman, did make the list. She runs a coffee house at which Damian's cupcakes are served: a good read, but somehow I never spotted that she was slightly saved, as well.

So who are Eccles's tips for December 2016?

George and Charlotte

Prince George and Princess Charlotte.

The future Supreme Governor of the C of E (if it survives that long) is believed to say his prayers regularly, and he still has that "sweetness" touch which we find hard to associate with tough guys like Tyson Fury or Theresa May.

I won't include any other photos, as they won't be as sweet, but my other two tips are Jeremy Corbyn (the postal vote should swing it), and Stephen Fry (because he has to be on every list, darlings). You read it here first.


  1. Given that Prince Charles has already stated that he wants to be "defender of faiths" not "defender of the faith, ie Church of England" I should say his position as head of the CofE will rapidly become untenable. Unlike Daily Mail journalists I don't know what William thinks, but he doesn't exactly give off the aura of a fundamentalist Anglican; and by the time we get to George the family longevity record suggests we could be into the 22nd century and feet under water because of global warming. In which case the CofE is unlikely to head his priorities.

  2. There is of course a connection here that has been missed: Pantomime!

    I recall Tony in 'Over The Rainbow' where he played the part of the Blair Faced Liarn along with the Scarecrow (Jack Straw) and the Twice Jagulated tin man (Lordy Prescott).

    Then of course 'Captain Hook' (With Milleband et al playing the 'lost boys')

    Finally, Babes in the Wood.

    St Corbyn does not appear as he is still writing the script for his own Pantomime.

    PS Tyson Fury?? There's a Christian punching above his weight!

  3. As someday it may happen that a Christian leader must be found,

    I've got a little list — I've got a little list

    Of 100 Top Christians who might well be underground,

    And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

    There's Tony Blair who wrote ‘Inside Jihadi Mind’—

    And Theresa May, an MP but of a different kind —

    Tyson Fury’s there his beliefs knock 'em flat —

    Tim Farron sitting there with Micky Gove so whatcha think of that?

    And Bear Griyll, survives with Jusin-Time Welby… an unlikely tryst —

    They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

    He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
    And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed

    1. Brilliant, John!
      From another John
      I do like a bit of Gill Bert and Suliman

  4. Captain Mohamed Hook and General A B Liar seem to make ideal bed-mates.