This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 21 January 2016

Government plans to regulate Sunday schools

The Department of Education is expanding its plans to register and inspect Sunday schools using OFCHURCH, the government office that already ensures that church services preach inclusivity, equality, diversity, British values, etc. and as little religion as possible. From now on, there will be a national curriculum, and all Sunday school teaching will be strictly controlled.

Noah's ark picture

This is allowed, as it celebrates biodiversity and warns against climate change.

All Bible stories, games, and children's drawing and colouring will be strictly monitored, and if a church fails to comply with government guidelines, then it can be closed down without warning. The above picture is permitted, but those containing a serious religious message will be forbidden.

pope picture

This picture is banned under the "prevention of terrorism" legislation of 1558.

However, it is not just Sunday schools that are under threat. Scouts, guides and cubs, for example, are another target. "DYB DYB DYB?" What kind of message is that for modern Britain, especially as "Do your best" is an exclusive and elitist mantra, discriminating against those who have chosen a slothful lifestyle! OFCHURCH recommends "DWYL DWYL DWYL" ("Do whatever you like"), as something that cannot be offensive to anyone.

Rainbows logo

Rainbow groups (ages 5 to 7) are still encouraged. Can you guess why?

It is expected that the Department of Education will soon be undertaking a complete overhaul of churches' liturgy, to remove all controversial aspects. For the time being, Latin masses will be exempt, as nobody in the civil service knows what they mean, and anyway, if we are going to preach diversity by supporting the African and Asian communities, we must also respect the rights of those such as Fr John Hunwicke whose first language is Latin. However, don't rely on this continuing.


  1. One really couldn't make this up, could one ?

  2. What bothers me is if the teachers have the appropriate qualifications and 'working with children' clearence. I'm sure that all boy scout leaders and Akela for the Cubs are fully qualified and cleared!...?!
    After all, all senior altar boys have to have a "working with children" clearence.

    1. Do all bishops have such clearance? One went to prison recently in Canada.

  3. OFCHURCH will work closely with the civil service (ecclesiastical division), formerly referred to in non-inclusive terms as the "Church of England". This in turn will be rebranded as British God plc and, in accordance with goverment policy, privatised and sold to a Chinese conglomerate.