Magi "traumatized" after being asked where they came from

Bethlehem, 4 B.C. approx.

The three Magi, Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar (real names: Chas Parr, Mel Keir, and Bill Tazzer), have declared themselves "totally stunned" after they arrived at the stable in Bethlehem and were asked where they had come from.

The question you must never ask.

After travelling for several weeks from Persian lands afar, the three kings presented their offerings of gold, frankincense and myrrh, which they claimed to have bought in a gift shop in Bethlehem, even though the items were in a bag bearing the legend "Ali's Bazaar - eveything for your Adoration needs".

On being asked "Where do you come from?" they originally replied "Hackney" (a suburb of Jerusalem), although it was later revealed after a gruelling 15 seconds of traumatic questioning that their background was more exotic.

"We're not angry with the Holy Family," said Chas. "All we want is for them to be driven out into Egypt."

It was later revealed that the three men had a history of baiting royalty, and that King Herod himself was deeply upset by what they said when they visited him. However, Herod did not ask them about the origins, so history is sure to look kindly upon him.

"Well, winding up King Herod was a good start. What shall we do next?"

New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

Jupich Iscariot condemns statement from the other 11 disciples

Jerusalem Times, Good Friday, AD 33.

Cardinal Jupich Iscariot, winner of the World Cup of Bad Apostles, today condemned a statement from the other eleven disciples, which had been issued from a secret address ("The upper room") to mark the crucifixion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Jupich described the statement as ill-considered and felt that its critical attack on Governor Joe Pilaten was inappropriate. Unfavourable comments about the habits of Joe's pet camel, A, were also considered offensive.

Cardinal Iscariot puts on his "angry" face.

The statement from the disciples had been a simple affirmation of Christian doctrine, but this is considered dangerous in today's political climate, and is likely to get many people into trouble with the authorities.

Governor Joe Pilaten is not amused either.

Joe Pilaten himself is generally regarded as a harmless buffoon with an obsession for washing his hands, although the Disciples' statement is very critical of his fondness for taking innocent life (completing a task that his mentor Barack Heroda failed to finish many years ago).

Naturally Jupich, given the choice between affirming Christian doctrine and pleasing the governing authorities in the United States of Judaea, will drop his religious principles every time. Indeed, there are already reports that he is involved in a scandal known as Thirtypiecesofsilvergate. Still, since he is a powerful cardinal, his words will always be heeded, however crass they may be.

King Herod claims to care for children

King Herod the Great

King Herod of Judaea has hit back strongly against claims that his policy of killing all children under the age of two years old could be described as barbarous, inhuman, or simply murderous. In a tweet that set the record straight in no uncertain terms he said:

In previous comments, Herod had explained that his child-killing policy was totally humane, and that the infants in question would be kept comfortable as they went to their deaths.

"I love children," he went on. "Why I have two myself!"

"Four, your Majesty."

"Oh, really? Well, it's hard to keep track of these things."

Although mass murder of children was originally supposed to be "safe, legal and rare", it is now increasingly seen as a policy that saves time and energy for everyone.

Elsewhere in Judaea, Governor Quasimodo has eagerly embraced the policy of caring, loving, considerate and sympathetic infanticide. We attempted to contact High Priest Dolittle for a comment on this, bur he was out to lunch and not expected back for six hours.

"Can you remind me? Are we for or against abortion?"

St Theresa of Downing Street

Catholic priests are not normally allowed to marry (and this includes Bishop Toribio Ticona, whom Pope Francis has just put on his "Raise this guy to the cardinalate" list, in error for his "Throw this guy to the dogs" list).

Thus there are very few of the rare breed known as "clergymen's daughters" in the Catholic Church; of course the Anglicans have plenty, and even some rare fish known as "clergywomen's daughters", who call their mother "father".

St Theresa (alias V. Nichols) shares a bottle of ketchup with a cleric (J. Etchingham).

Clergymen's daughters are often saintly creatures, and today we pay tribute to St Theresa of Downing Street. Her father would have been so proud of her, when she showed her support for same-sex "marriage". Those embarrassing bits in the Bible about homosexual acts being sinful, and marriage being an institution for a man and a woman, were long since discarded by the Church of England, which strives always to keep up with the latest fashions in morality. But there was more...

St Theresa expresses her support for King Herod.

As a clergyman's daughter, St Theresa is familiar with many Biblical characters, and she has always had a weakness for King Herod. "A real man," she drools, "who knew how to deal with children!" Thus she was delighted when Ireland decided to vote for mass infanticide, and she felt obliged to send her support. Good luck with explaining that to the DUP, her partners in government.

Of course, St Theresa is not the only party leader with this point of view. St Jeremy of Corbyn and St Vince of Cable would doubtless agree with her, if anyone cared for five minutes what they thought on any issue. How wonderful to see a Government of National Unity!

Let's finish with a happy picture of the Mays leaving a church.

An everyday Anglican scene: that awkward moment when nobody else turned up.