New synodal treatment for Pope Francis

Catholics are becoming tired of seeing bulletins about Pope Francis's health that say:

He's a Pontifex and he's OK. He sleeps all night and he works all day,

and have become more impatient to see Pope Francis leap from his sick bed, create newer and weirder cardinals, write new motu proprios about climate change, and generally do popish things. Accordingly, it has been announced that from now on the Holy Father's medical treatment will be Synodal. No more "magisterial" doctrines doctors, just unqualified activists sitting round tables discussing his medication.

Two aspirins or a heart transplant? You decide!

Said Dr Austen Ivereigh, a well-known expert in synodality, "The patient should naturally be one of the main athletes and standard-bearers of synodality, and it seems to me that the best cure for his illness is a kenotic de-centering followed by enlarging the space of his tent."

He went on to say how much he hated "traddy" doctors. He wasn't exactly sure what a traditional rigid doctor did, but he believed that his remedies involved leeches, powdered animal bones, and trepanning. "You don't expect me to attend a traditional surgery to find out, do you?"

Two doctors discuss possible treatments.

The Pope's proposed regime will include a daily dose of Amorislaetitia elixir, some Pachamama injections, and as many Traditioniscustodes tablets as he needs. That way there is little prospect of his becoming rigid, or even turning into a Christian bat preferring the shadows to the light.

ADDENDUM:

The treatment is working! Within a few hours of my writing the above, we see that Pope Francis is on the mend!

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AND NOW IN OTHER NEWS:

"He hates Trump and Vance, so he must be good."

Meanwhile, the entire Catholic world is delighted that Cardinal Robert McElroy has been installed as Archbishop of Washington. He comes from a long line of distinguished archbishops, including Wilton Gregory, Donald Wuerl, and - best of all - Theodore McCarrick. Between them, they have made Washington the sex abuse capital of Catholic America - whether by participating (Ted), covering up (Don), ignoring (Wilt), and - well Bob assures me that he has never met Uncle Ted, so his hands are clean so far.

"He said he'd never met McCarrick!"

Could Bob be the next pope?

How to get rid of a turbulent priest

Probably several of my readers will one day become pope (Hi, Blase! Hi, Arthur! Hi, Tina!) and will need me to advise them on how to behave. Today's topic is the vexed one of getting rid of a priest you don't like. These days, popes don't often poison priests - in fact Francis has been a model non-poisoner - and the most common solution is simple laicisation. But of course we don't laicise everyone who offends.

For example, Cardinal Cocaine, who wears a lampshade on his head and knows all about "gay" orgies can't really be said to be a problem!

Not a problem.

Likewise, Father Jimbo SJ, who can't take a cup of tea without relating it to LGBT issues, and whose Biblical teaching is best described as "imaginative", is to be welcomed into the Vatican and asked for his advice! Then there's Archbishop Paggles, who stars in homoerotic murals, doesn't really understand what a Pontifical Academy for Not Bumping People off is supposed to do, and seems to be in all sorts of other troubles. He's safe. Even Fr Rumpy, who won a prize for the worst ecclesial art ever seen, who has trouble keeping his vestments on, and who solves his problems by absolving the people he has sinned with, only gets a brief slap on the wrist from the CDF.

Rumpy's masterpiece - a drunken man surrounded by custard pies.

But what's the point of being pope if you can't sack a few people? Aha! I have it! There's this Pavanne chap of "Priests Against Murder", who is admittedly rather eccentric in his methods. Worst of all he is very very very pro-life! Emma Bonehead isn't at all happy! Mariana Mozzarella has complained!

Sack him! But do it in a Jesuit way - i.e., don't say exactly why you're sacking him. Mutter something about blasphemous communications (Uncle Wilt has explained to you that backing Donald Trump is a hideous blasphemy) and accuse him of disobeying his bishop (a catch-all, as sometimes you have to choose between God and your bishop).

Public Enemy Number One.

You are, of course, a merciful pope (as well as a humble one), so you won't be sending the Swiss Guard round to do a Thomas Becket on him. Well, not this week. Thank Heavens that the art of removing turbulent priests has evolved since the days of Henry II, and you can simply cast him into outer darkness!

The eight worst cardinals

The second World Cup of Bad Cardinals has reached the quarter-final knockout stage, and we have the following contests to look forward to.

Roche v Gregory, McElroy v Cupich, Marx v Parolin, and Maradiaga v Coccopalmerio.

Comparing this with the first World Cup, we have promising newcomers Roche, Gregory and McElroy, displacing Kasper (mostly retired from heresy these days), Danneels (dead) and Tobin (nighty, nighty, Joe!). The other five are old lags, and it will be interesting to see how they cope against the new boys.

Results to be posted here as we get them.

Arthur Roche 69.0 v Wilton Gregory 31.0.

Wilt has been as onboxious as possible recently, but Arthur is clearly a class act too. The English supporters are already crying "The trophy's coming home!"

Uncle Arthur, hater of the TLM, lover of cake.

Uncle Wilt, another hater of the TLM, lover of Biden.

Robert McElroy 16.2 v Blase Cupich 83.8.

Rob is a promising newcomer (definitely the sort of person we expect to see Francis appoint as a cardinal), but the current champion, Soapy Sue, wipes the floor with him.

"Why do they talk about my covering up of abuse, and not of my Judo skills?"

Our current champion ticks all the boxes: LGBT rights, suppression of the TLM, etc. etc.

Reinhard Marx 67.3 v Pietro Parolin 32.7.

Silver medallist from last time, Rhino has been working hard on his heresies, and is determined to get a medal this time. Parolin has modelled himself on Judas Iscariot, at least as far as China is concerned, but on the day the boy was outclassed.

Silver medallist last time, and continues to disgust.

"Chinese sell-outs? Financial scandals? Not me!"

Oscar Maradiaga 44.2 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 55.8.

The closest of the four quarter-finals. Both are experienced fighters, with reputations that are hard to choose between. So Cocco takes it, but he will not be asked to take a drug test.

"Financial and sexual scandals? Me?"

"Drug-fuelled homosexual orgies? You must be thinking of someone else."

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SEMI-FINALS.

Arthur Roche 66.4 v Reinhard Marx 33.6

Blase Cupich 72.8 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 27.2

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF.

Reinhard Marx 63.5 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 36.5

The silver medallist in 2019, Rhino Marx, has to settle for the bronze medal. Cocaine Palmerio takes the 4th place as he did last time.

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THE FINAL.

Arthur Roche 46.4 v Blase Cupich 53.6

After a hard-fought contest, the 2019 champion, Blase Cupich, wins the gold again, and Arthur Roche has to settle for the silver medal and the "most promising newcomer" award.

Catholic bishops slammed for being Catholic

Americans were up in arms today on learning that their Catholic bishops had voted by 168 to 55 to produce a document explaining Catholic teaching on the Eucharist. Provisionally entitled Ad Nodum Josephe ("Get knotted, Joe!") the encyclical will reveal the surprising news that killing babies is wrong, and people guilty of mortal sin should really do something about it before rushing up to receive Communion.

Joe Biden slopes out in disgrace.

Said one ally of the president: "I thought the Catholic Church was a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Democratic party. Having seen such top theologians as Fr James Martin and Cardinal Wilton Gregory campaigning against the Bad Orange Man, I naturally assumed that the bishops would do exactly what Top Catholic Henry VIII President Biden wished."

We have not yet seen the names of the 55 bishops who voted against publishing Catholic teaching, but it seems that Soapy Blase and Nighty-night Tobin have already spoken out against "weaponising the Eucharist", which is a Democrat way of saying "reminding people of New Testament teaching".

A brave warrior gets 15 minutes of fame by explaining that he doesn't understand Catholicism.

BREAKING: Apparently, the bishops' decision has been reversed, after 200 more votes came in overnight, all backing Biden. Some people have noted that they are all in the names of people who are either dead (Archbishop Jesse James, Bishop "Doc" Holliday) or completely non-existent (the Bishop of Wounded Toe, The Bishop of OK Corral). However, all votes count, and it seems that the USCCB can go back to being agnostic after all.

How to be popular with Pope Francis

Over now to Dublin, where the newly-appointed archbishop, Dermot Farrell, is consulting his spiritual director, Monsignor Gríma Wormtongue.

Monsignor Wormtongue.

GW: So, Dermot, are you keen to follow in the footsteps of your predecessor Archbishop Diarmuid Martin? If so, we can book you an appointment at the clinic to have your spine removed. Then all you need to do is lie on the floor and let all the politicians tickle your tummy.

DF: Diarmuid did a very good job, didn't he?

GW: Yes, Catholicism is almost extinct in Ireland now. How do you plan to continue his work?

DF: I'd like to become popular with Pope Francis, with a view to getting a red hat.

GW: Ah, the Vincent Nichols approach. Support the Pope in everything he says, and indeed go the extra mile when it comes to preaching absurdities. What do you have in mind?

DF: I thought I'd try pushing for women deacons. In the old days that would have got me excommunicated, but now all you get is a Christmas card from Fr James Martin saying "I knew you were one of us! Keep up the Ignatian yoga, brother!"

GW: I'll give you a tip. Keep an eye on Bishop Georg Bätzing, head of the German Bishops' Conference. He's gone the full Jimbo, with calls for a change in church teaching on homosexual relationships, ordination of women deacons and priests, and so on. He'll be getting a cardinal's hat next time, like Uncle Wilt Gregory, who got his for being nasty about Donald Trump.

DF: But does Bätzing really expect church teaching to change?

The ride of the German Deaconesses.

GW: That's the great thing. He can claim it has, and nobody in the Vatican will dare to correct him. Luckily many German women are two metres tall and wear suits of armour, so he can ordain them while pretending he thought they were men. Then later on he can talk about the German Catholic Church, or Katholischelutherischekartoffelsalatkirche, as they say in Limburg, as if it were simply a local branch of the church rather than a heretical sect.

DF: Great! Now let's try this in Ireland. Oh, and order me a red hat from Gammarelli's...

Did Bergoglio steal the election?

Supporters of Cardinal Scola are encouraging him to take legal action over the 2013 Conclave. This resulted in the election of Cardinal Bergoglio to the papacy, even though all the evidence was that Scola was far more popular.

"It says here that 150,000 cardinals voted for you and only 50 for Scola."

The legal case is based on various claims of cheating:

• Apparently, votes were received in the names of several dead cardinals, including Martini, Bugnini, Duèse (Pope John XII), and Judas (Iscariot).
• Allegedly, there was a surprise delivery of 100,000 votes, all in the name of Jorge Bergoglio and, very suspiciously, marked "Printed in China".
• Several cardinals claimed that they were prevented from voting, having been told by the St Gallen Mafia representatives that "The polls are closed", or "You are not wearing the correct-coloured socks" and even "Only votes for Bergoglio are permitted."
• Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor was seen talking to several cardinals with weak eyesight and offering to help them fill in their ballot papers.

After seven years of Pope Francis's reign, it may be too late to reverse the result of the election, which would result in the (very popular) pulping of Amoris Laetitia and Fratelli Tutti, the sacking of Pachamama as deputy God, and the dismissal of dodgy cardinals such as Cupich and Uncle Wilt Gregory. Also, where would this leave vice-pope Calamity Tagle?

Uncle Wilt was expecting to get the vote of the Emperor Nero in the next conclave.

As usual, Pope Francis has refused to comment, and he was last seen hiding in his basement, apparently praying at the tomb of St Peter and asking for his vote.

Eight bad churches... and two very bad cardinals

We're reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Ugly Churches - where "ugly" can be interpreted loosely as "I wish I hadn't seen this picture." Here is the draw for the knockout stages, and this post will be updated to record how things go (we start the Twitter vote on Monday).

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1. Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley (USA) v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges (Germany)

Torture chamber meets demolition site.

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2. Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli (India) v Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid (Spain)

Aeroplane meets gun battery.

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3. St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan (USA) v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden (GER)

Sauron's castle meets bouncy castle.

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4. Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay (France) v Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid (Spain)

Hippopotamus meets carpark.

QUARTER-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 54.2 - Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges 45.8

Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli 44.3 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 55.7

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 63.8 - Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden 36.2

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 78.9 - Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid 21.1

SEMI-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 35.4 - St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 64.6

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 27.5 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 72.5

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 70.7 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 29.3

FINAL

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 50.8 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 49.2

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Meanwhile, here are some other things to think about: Cardinal Marx (officially the world's 2nd worst cardinal), rejects a beautiful altar in favour of a piece of junk.

Your Eminence, we did advise you not to sit on it.

And someone who will surely be a strong contender in the 2021 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, Uncle Wilt, or Wilton Gregory, who seems to have been given a red hat because he hates Donald Trump even more than Pope Francis does.

Uncle Ted and his protegé.

Anyone seen that McCarrick report yet?

Donald Trump commits an unforgivable sin

President Donald Trump was roundly condemned today by the Catholic Church when it was revealed that, before going to bed last night, he had knelt at the side of his bed and said his prayers:

"Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Also, thank you God for a lovely day. God bless Melania, God bless Mike Pence, God bless Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and all the crazy gang. God bless me, and make me a good boy. Amen."

Jimbo the clown welcomes us into his lovely cell.

Father James Martin LGBTSJ was the first to condemn Mr Trump, pointing out that his actions made a mockery of Christianity. "And that's MY job!" he added. Jim also criticised Trump's use of force in removing "peacemakers" (looters and brick-throwers) from his bedroom before saying his prayers, noting that some of them were probably LGBT types who simply wanted the President to build bridges with them. Apparently, Trump squirted them with deodorant (later described as tear-gas).

Donald Trump attempts to make amends.

Next, "Uncle Wil", alias Wilton Ruggery, the Archbishop whose parents named him after a carpet, waded into the row. "Yesterday, the President visited the shrine of Pope St John-Paul II," he grumbled. "This is reserved for very holy people such as myself. I thank God daily that I am not as other men, in particular this great sinner Trump. Now I discover that he is praying to the same God as I do. Is there no limit to the man's effrontery? Get your own God, orange man!"

Wilton Ruggery relaxes in the company of sinless Catholics.

President Trump is struggling to defend himself from these attacks from powerful Catholics, and has even coined the slogan "Orange Lives Matter," but it is clear that he is doomed. Even offering to go out and loot a shoe shop is unlikely to satisfy his critics.