Brexodus 17 - Maysis loseth another vote - or doth she?

Continued from Chapter 16

1. After her splendid defeat in the first month of the year, where those who said "Nay" outnumbered those who said "Yeah" by two hundred and thirty, Maysis returned to the courts of Pharaoh Juncker to talk again.

2. But there was little on the table, apart from several bottles of the finest wine.

3. However, after many nights' drinking together, Maysis and the Pharaoh came up with a new deal.

4. "It is not right that the children of Bri-tain should each donate half a kilogram of flesh to EUgypt," said Maysis, "and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change that to one pound of flesh."

"Nor cut thou less nor more, But just a pound of flesh."

5. "Likewise, some of the other clauses in the deal were too strong, and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change some full stops to colons, some colons to semi-colons, and some semi-colons to commas."

6. "However, the backstop remaineth a backstop, and not a back-colon."

7. So Maysis returned to the House of Common People and took another vote. And this time she was defeated by one hundred and forty-nine.

8. And Maysis rejoiced, saying, "Lo, I need only take three more votes on this matter, and the nay-sayers will have vanished like unto a thief in the night."

9. But Ber-cow, he who was the Squeaker in the House of Common People, said, "Nay, thou must try something else. For it would be a strange breach of precedent to vote again. In the House of Common People, only I am allowed strange breeches."

Ber-cow showeth his strange breeches.

10. And Maysis said, "We have booked a passage across the Red Sea for the twenty-ninth day of the third month. Seventy times seven times have I have said that we shall leave on that date. And so we shall. Or perhaps on another date."

11. And there was a great shout from the people, "We want the end of May!" For Maysis had lost the people's favour.

12. So Maysis returned once more to the courts of Juncker, to be told, "We want the end of May, too. But we may insist on April."

13. Thus the House of Common People prepared itself for yet more votes on how to proceed: they asked for a People's Vote, a Traitors' Vote, a Crooks' vote, a Maniacs' vote, a Liars' vote, a Lunatics' vote, and yet many more, so that all members of the House of Common People would be included.

14. And there arose a mighty petition, which attracted millions to sign it, including famous celebrities such as Brian Cox the actor, Jennifer Saunders the scientist, and Anthony Grayling the comedian.

15. And so popular was it that people from distant North Ko-rea and Af-ghani-stan rushed to sign it.

16. And finally there came a wave of bots to sign the petition, along with the puppets of Sock. Until finally the signatures outnumbered the people of Bri-tain one hundredfold.

Yet more signatures for the petition.

17. And all waited to see whether the House of Common People could agree on anything at all.

Continued in Chapter 18

New edition of the Bible announced

Pope Francis has announced that a new edition of the Bible is to be released, removing some of the more "rigid" books (e.g. the four gospels) and adding a few new ones. After all, the Bible was put together about 1500 years ago. It was reaffirmed by the Council of Trent in 1546, although at the time some liberals imbued with the "Spirit of Trent" tried to slip in a few extras that took their fancy. In any case, it isn't modern and up to date!

The New Non-Rigid Bible will have a loose-leaf format so that pages can be added and removed as doctrine develops.

Of course the Protestant denominations have their own versions of the canon: for example, the Church of England's attendance is usually much higher on days when the (very salacious) Memoirs of Henry VIII are used for the Gospel reading.

It is expected that Amoris Laetitia will be added as a book of the Non-Rigid Bible as part of the "Very New Testament" - and possibly renamed the Book of Francis - but since it does not claim to date from 1st Century times, Mgr Antonio Spadaro is cobbling together the less rigid bits of Matthew/Mark/Luke/John into a new Gospel according to St Eric (the little-known 5th evangelist who left the group before they became famous). Any claims that "St Eric" is merely a Spadarine sockpuppet will be angrily disputed.

An artist's impression of St Eric the Evangelist.

St Eric does give an account of some of Christ's teaching, but, as today's Gospel (Matthew 5:17-37) shows, there are "problem" parts where Christ was either misquoted or - according to Jesuit theology - simply got it wrong.

Do not imagine that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets.

We need to add a few sentences here to explain that, although the Law is still in existence, it is to be superseded by Mercy, Discernment, and generally feeling At Peace With God. So in practice it is like the law against cycling on the pavement, and hardly ever obeyed.

If a man calls [his brother] "Renegade" he will answer for it with hell fire..

We need to rewrite this section to give a list of permitted insults, as used by the Holy Father. So you are allowed to call your brother a "Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagian" or a "Museum Mummy" or a "Pickled pepper-faced Christian" without feeling bad about it.

Teaching on adultery has always been a bit complicated.

Anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

There's a lot more on this subject that we really can't accept these days. Pope Francis didn't hold two Synods on the Family, and write a confused exhortation loosely based on what he would have liked them to agree on, just so that we would end up following St Matthew's Gospel! I think we just have to assume that Christ was misheard at this point, and actually said "No one" rather than "Anyone". Spadaro, fix this please!

All you need say is "Yes" if you mean yes, "No" if you mean no; anything more than this comes from the evil one.

Well, it was all right for Jesus. He didn't have the benefits of a Jesuit upbringing, and was quite used to answering binary questions without feeling obliged to obfuscate matters. Still, we can get round this one. The passage doesn't say you actually have to answer a question: so, if some rude people submit "dubia" to you, it is perfectly in order to pretend they never reached you, even if people plaster posters round your house and print fake newspapers on the subject. Just stick your fingers in your ears and say "La la la, I can't hear you!"

Of course fake newspapers (such as the Washington Post) should really be used for character assassinations of "rigid" cardinals.

This New Non-Rigid Bible still requires a lot of work, but should be in the shops for Christmas. Updates to its Catholic teaching will be provided every time Pope Francis takes an aeroplane trip.

New Vatican appointments

The Vatican has announced a batch of urgent appointments as a response to the scandalous, cheeky, impudent, and impertinent request from the Four Cardinals (and most of the rest of the Catholic Church) for the pope to answer some yes/no questions about Catholic teaching.

Mgr Vino Tinto, Dean of the Rota-Weilers.

Mgr Vino Tinto has been appointed to the elite team charged with issuing silly threats against cardinals who ask the pope for spiritual leadership. "I'll sack 'em all. Then I'll cut their throats. Then I'll jump up and down on their corpses! See if I don't!" he explained to a conference in Spain.

Apparently, the cardinals' crime was to make their dubia public, whereas traditionally asking for spiritual nourishment was done in secret. See, for example, this passage from the Gospel according to St Blase.

1. And one of his disciples asked Jesus a question.

2. And Jesus answered.

3. But we shall never know what the question was, nor what the reply was.

4. For that is how our Lord always operated.

"Mercy??? I'll give them Mercy!"

Another prestigious appointment is that of Fr Antonio Spadaro, currently the chief papal lap-dog. He has been charged with new duties, namely to generate insults and snide comments about Cardinal Burke and his supporters.

However, his responsibilities do not stop there. He has also been charged with feeding the papal sockpuppets, so that he he may appear on Twitter in such disguises as @hablafrancisco and @pope_news, screaming insults at anyone who dares to suggest that Amoris Laetitia is non-magisterial, the personal opinion of Pope Francis, and almost nothing to do with what was agreed at the Synod.

"Things are getting desperate, Holy Father. I'll send in some more sockpuppets."

Fr Tom Rosica of the Salt and Vinegar corporation is still in charge of issuing charm offensives, so no change there for the time being. However, an interesting lay appointment has also been made: Austein Ivereigh of Catholic Voices, author of the best-selling book, Pope Francis, the new Messiah, has become another papal spokesman.

"Thanks, Austen. I shall lose no time in reading your book."

Ivereigh has been charged with explaining to the the sceptical that the five dubia have already been answered, and everyone know what the answers were, in fact it's so obvious that we don't even need to talk about them any more, and I'm certainly not going to give you the answers, children, go and work them out for yourselves and you will become better Catholics.

The Sockpuppets of the Vatican

One of the most curious cases that I ever encountered with my friend Sherlock Holmes took us to the eternal city of Rome.

The Vatican!

"So, Watson, we have been called in to investigate how the Vatican City, which numbers a mere 840 people, managed to attract 42,000 signatures for an online petition demanding a second EU referendum."

"But Holmes, why do they want another referendum, anyway?"

"Really, Watson, that is childishly simple. They got an answer they did not like, so naturally they wanted to run the vote again. But we are faced here with the interesting case of the Sockpuppets of the Vatican."

"But the Vatican, Holmes? Is this not a crime that one associates more with dens of iniquity such as North Korea or Chiswick?"

Holmes nodded his assent, took out his violin, and played some haunting selections from the works of Paul Inwood. I hurriedly fled into another room, knowing that I could do nothing about my friend's addiction to bad music.

"Now, Lorenzo, here is the list of sockpuppet accounts that you asked for."

When all was peaceful again, I had a suggestion to make.

"Could it be the doing of Cardinal Baldisseri?" I asked. "He is an experienced manipulator of synods, and maybe he has moved into other forms of chicanery."

"I think not, Watson. His hands are full with another matter. Following requests that the last papal conclave be re-run, on the grounds that the St Gallen Mafia had fixed it, he has been masterminding his own response.

Indeed, a giant petition signed by 42,000 cardinals - some with previously unknown names such as Cardinal Eccles, Cardinal Custard and Cardinal Biggles - has expressed its complete and utter faith in the election of Pope Francis. Baldisseri has had no time for other activities."

Another suspect?

I then suggested that Emeritus Pope Benedict, who had retired from the Chair of St Peter, expressing the wish to spend more time in "praying, tweeting and checking up on spiritually nourishing blogs", might have a hand in the sockpuppetry.

"I did indeed consider him as a possible suspect," agreed Holmes. "After telegraphing to my agents in Bavaria, I even discovered that 'Benedict' is not his real name, and that he is known to his oldest friends as 'Holy Joe'. However, he was definitely otherwise engaged when the crime was committed. No, he is not the Napoleon of Crime that we seek."

Meanwhile, the word "Napoleon" had triggered something in Holmes's mind. "Watson, this is definitely a three-prayer problem. Leave me in peace to meditate in St Peter's Basilica - you will recognise it by the moving picture about monkeys playing on the outside - and we shall see if divine inspiration arrives."

After a restful doze through a three-hour sermon from Cardinal Kasper on "Why fornication is the new marriage", Holmes had a new suspect.

Fr Napoleon Rosica? Surely not!

"No, that's impossible," he said. "Surely there must be some other explanation..."

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5.

1. So the children of Britain came finally to vote on whether they should remain in the land of EUgypt.

2. And half of them said "stay", and half said "go", but slightly more said "go". So it was decided that the people should leave the courts of Juncker.

3. And Cam-aaron was exceedingly grieved, and said "Alas, I cannot take you into the wilderness: I shall resign my position as High Priest, and eke out a humble existence advising the rich and powerful, eating massive dinners, and giving speeches to those who can afford me."

4. For this had earlier been done by the great warlord Blair, he who had conquered the lands of Mesopotamia, at least briefly.

Cam-aaron and his handmaiden prepare for a life of riches.

5. However, many of those who had voted to remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh lamented in deep distress: indeed they wept for several days, refusing to be comforted.

6. Some spake out with a voice of wrath, saying "We must vote again, as the common people have given us the wrong answer." And others, more gentle, suggested, "Er, best of three?"

7. Said one man: "It is mostly the fault of the aged men, who voted to leave. For, as it is written, God giveth wisdom to the young man, and folly to the old."

8. Said another: "Indeed, my son is sore distressed that he could not vote. He is only two but he hath a mighty grasp of the issues."

Disenfranchised.

9. Next, a great petition was born, with ten thousand times ten thousand signatures, mostly in the names of the puppets that are called Sock.

10. And others, who had earlier voted to leave, spake out, saying "I knew not that I was voting to leave. For I thought that I had entered my name into a prize draw, that I might win a camel or at least a box of dates."

11. Then another man, whose name was Lammy, which is to say, "Stupid", cried out with a loud voice, saying "Let us ignore the vote completely. For the voters are not blessed with wisdom such as I possess."

On another day, Lammy commenteth on the election of a High Priest.

12. Thus no man could tell whether the will of the people would prevail, and whether Bosis would indeed be able to lead his people towards the promised land.

Continued in Chapter 7.

Eccles and his sockpuppets

Brilliant detective work has at least revealed that Brother Eccles is a master of sockpuppetry. In addition to running 500 Twitter accounts - his ambition is to run the whole of Twitter single-handed - he also manages to write 200 different blogs on (mostly) religious subjects.

A Vatican-approved guide to puppetry.

Here are examples of some of the blogs that Eccles maintains. You will notice that they all have exactly the same style.

The Eccles Catholic donkey blog.

Today I took Vincent, the most troublesome of my 24 donkeys, on a walk to the Bar Moli in Finestrat, where we shared a bottle of gin to celebrate the feast of St Jude. Unfortunately, he was unable to walk home again, so I had to carry him back. Then when we got home, he logged onto Twitter and started insulting random people. I should never have given him his own computer.

The Eccles paranoid Chaplain blog.

What people don't realise is that deacons are priests. So priests should stop feeling superior to us. You wouldn't let me into your Superior Clergy Club, would you? Even though I made myself a biretta. What's more I don't want to hear anything from mothers who stay at home with babies. I'm a mother too, you know. Well, a father. And I stay at home all weekend. Except when I go out. I hate you all, especially the puppetmaster Eccles.

St Joan Blogger.

Hello, everyone, this is Auntie Joan, the writer, biographer, historian, poet, humourist, Olympic cyclist, brain surgeon and Renaissance woman. Auntie has had a very exciting week, as Pope Francis phoned her up to ask if she had any advice to give him on how to write encyclicals. Auntie told him, "Write everything in the third person, as it produces a vibrant prose style." Auntie is taking part in a discussion with Pope Francis on Vatican Radio soon, and she will make every effort to prevent the Holy Father from saying anything embarrassing - that should be easy, because he probably won't be able to get a word in edgeways!

The Eccles "Holy Smoke" blog.

Maria João Pires - found herself playing Mozart's 4th horn concerto.

Take a look at this ancient video that someone sent me. It shows the pianist Maria João Pires in a terrible dilemma. She was expecting to play a Mozart Piano Concerto with the Amsterdam Concertgebouw, but when the orchestra started, she found that they were playing his 4th Horn Concerto. Resourceful to the last, she grabbed a French horn from a member of the orchestra, and gallantly blew her way through the concerto. Said the orchestra member, a Mr Flanders, "I've lost that horn - I know I was using it yesterday. I've lost that horn, lost that horn, found that horn ... gorn."

The same thing happens to me sometimes. I have prepared an in-depth article on custard for the Telegraph, when the editor comes to my desk and says, "Damian! It's Catholicism this week." Being an experienced journalist, I take out my blue pencil, change all the references to custard, add something about the impending murder of the Nuncio, and - voilà! - in 5 minutes I have the piece that I was asked for.

The Protect-the-Eccles Pope blog.

The Tablet ludicrously misreports Bishop Conry's meeting with ACTA to discuss their recommendation of abortion as a human right, in an attempt to ban the Bible in all English dioceses, while Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor's refusal to attend a SHAG week in Rome sends out mixed signals to Enda Kenny, according to the BBC.

Protect-the-Eccles Comment: Phew! This one's too much for me.

The Hermit of Cottingley blog.

The autumn colloquium of the British Province of the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy was very well attended, but some delegates found that it was disruptive to hear cries of "Let me in, I'm a deacon!" outside the window, as we sang Gregorian chants in the bar at night. From now on, the Confraternity has agreed to admit deacons as well, except for ones who are obviously insane.

See? All these well-regarded blogs were really by Eccles, all along.

1 Chronicles

The holidays are over, and term has restarted, so we welcome back our audience of theological novices to the Eccles Bible class.

Some of our more promising students, ready to learn!

I'd better start with the register, then.
Dawkins? Here. Hope you had a good holiday, my boy, and didn't get into too many Twitter fights. New pot-boiler selling OK? Splendid.
Grayling? Here. Get a haircut, boy.
Fry? Whoop! That will do, child.
Toynbee? Here.
De Botton? Stop sniggering, Fry, I didn't say "bottom". An adequate evolution of morality from superstition to reason should mean recognizing ourselves as the authors of our own moral commandments. All right, that will do, de Botton. You've not been paying attention, have you?
Sanderson, Hari, ... stop fighting, Kamm, ...
Conry, what are you doing here? You want the Orthodox Catholicism for Beginners class next door. All right, we're quorate. Let's get started.

Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Malaleel, Jared, Henoc, Mathusale, Lamech. All right, who said "Here!"?

Possibly Cainan, Malaleel or Jared.

Well, class, you're going to have a very easy ride today. It's another of those books about Jewish history with a rather low "spiritual nourishment" rating. Also, a lot of it is plagiarised from other books. Ah, I thought you'd be interested, Hari.

The first 9 chapters are mostly lists of names, as I've just indicated. Something like the Tel Aviv telephone directory, but without the numbers of course. Then we get on to history, most of which is covered in earlier books. We get the stories of Saul and David once more. Since you all know about this, we won't go into it again. However, we come to deep questions such as this one:

Is there a contradiction between 2 Samuel 24:9 and 1 Chronicles 21:5, when the number of soldiers Joab counts comes up different?

Well, not really. You know how people never stand still when you're counting them. And anyway, the wording is slightly different. So, Dawkins, I'm afraid that you can't use this as a stick to condemn the Bible as nonsense. Although you probably will, anyway.

Who wrote Chronicles? Quite possibly, Ezra, who turns up later in a book with his own name on. Experts decided this by comparing styles. It's what you might call a sockpuppet for Ezra, anyway.

Ezra tells a fascinated audience about Jizreel, Jishma, Jidbash, and their sister Hazlelponi.

Well, one commentary I have read (don't think I make all this stuff up myself) explains that Kings gives us man's viewpoint, while Chronicles gives us God's viewpoint. You'll have to sort that one out yourselves.

There are some rather strange passages, even in the narrative parts; for example, And Satan rose up against Israel: and moved David to number Israel (Chapter 21). Who would have thought that censuses could be evil?

Hazlelponi? There's nobody of that name here.

Ezra is on safer ground when he's copying out lists of names, so let's finish with one of his more sparkling passages, which, nonetheless, no priest is likely to take as a text for his sermon: Now the first lot came forth to Joiarib, the second to Jedei, The third to Harim, the fourth to Seorim, [a few lots deleted here], The three and twentieth to Dalaiau, the four and twentieth to Maaziau (Chapter 24).

O.K., class dismissed. 2 Chronicles next time, then we'll get Ezra's own story.

Oh, and Hollande, don't wear that silly hat next time.

A pope's guide to Twitter

Your Holiness,
Many of us are very pleased to see you on Twitter, but I think it's time that some friendly person took you aside to explain that you're not really using it properly.

So far, so good... or is it?

You see the problem here? You are following only 8 people, and they have very similar names, for example, Papa Franciscus, Pape François and البابا فرنسيس. If you are going to use sockpopes, you ought to make them less obvious, Holy Father, and conceal them by following lots of other people as well as yourself. Call yourself something more subtle such as "Geo. Bergoglio", or "Anonymous Holy Man", or perhaps "Vatican Big Cheese", or even just "Happy Catholic". All the names that cry out "I'm holy, and don't you forget it!" such as "Miser Peccator", "Holy Smoke", or "On the side of the angels" have probably been taken already, I'm afraid.

Now, you may think that 2-million-plus followers is something special (after all, Dawkins has less than 800,000 and Justin Welby a pathetic 40,000), but even the Dalai Lama's stuff is read by over 7 million fans; when you leave the realms of religion and go into show-business, you find Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Barack Obama all around the 40 million mark. And Obama can't even sing.

Justin Bieber Welby. The one who sings, anyway.

So what are you doing wrong, your holiness? Well, take your latest tweet: We cannot be Christians part-time. If Christ is at the center of our lives, he is present in all that we do. You're using U.S. English, very good; that will bring in our American friends. A very sound comment, but it does read a little too much as if you're trying to preach to us. When did you last crack a joke? Or post a funny picture?

This man thinks he's a cardinal, but he's just a lunatic. ROFL. Love you all. @pontifex

Yes, that's the sort of thing. Now you should really be following more people and interacting with them. You like football - why not follow Diego Maradona? Then, every time he mentions the "Hand of God", reply with "You're a filthy cheat!" That's the way most people use Twitter.

Or, for a good laugh, follow the Tablet! You've probably never heard of it, but it's a brilliant spoof account, parodying a supposedly Catholic newspaper. It tries to cram in as many heresies, mis-statements and sheer fantasies as it possibly can. You'll love it!

What do you think, folks? Shall I make this chap a saint? Bless! @pontifex

Finally, you need to have a regular circle of Twitter enemies, with whom you swap insults. There's no use talking to Richard Dawkins or Stephen Fry - they get upset too easily. Besides, your natural home is with the Catholics: they like squabbling on Twitter, so join in the fun. Say that you quite like Catholic Voices, and see how long it takes before you're accused of being a sockpuppet living in Brighton!

Is this a sockpope, or the real thing?

Dat sockpoppet relligion

My grate-anti Moly says dat sockpoppetry is a Cathlic fing, and so Bosco sent me to a Cathlic mass to see if dat was reely the case.

So I went incoggnito to de church of de Sacrred Socks of St Micheal. I was met by a saintly pollite courtoeus man who gave me a hynm book, and said he was a laywer who worked for de internattional firm of Cutley, Butley and Mutley. He asked me a strange quetsion, viz, "How manny poeple is you gonna be todday?" Dat's odd. Usaully when we goes into de Calumny Chappel dey asks a much simpler quetsion, viz, "Is you saved, bruvver?"

I went into de churhc, and de service was given by a costume holly man who said he was de Bishopp of Bennidrom. He startted de Mass, although he went off to de vesttry after a while, probbably to kiss an iddle. Dis is a pitcher of de Bishopp of Bennidrom.

Later on I remmember a disgustin old lady takin de collecttion, carryin a broom stick wiv which she kept hittin poeple. She was wearin a pointy hat and looked just like my Anti Moly. Anuvver person I spotted in de church was bein a bit of a trubble-maker, frankly. When one of de costume holly men said "Lift up your hearts," he said "No I won't. ROFL." Then when de preist said "The Mass is ended, go in peace," de man said "No it isn't. No I won't. Twist and Shout."

To my astonnishment at the end of de Mass I realissed dat de laywer, de bishopp, de old lady and de trubble-maker was all de same person. In fact, thinkin about it I now realises dat nearly everryone in de churhc had bin goin out and comin in in different disgiuses (dere was annuvver one who dressed up as Stallin, den he came back wavin a cricket batt, dat confussed me, as we doesnt have dem in de Calumny Chappel, if we needs to chasstise kids we uses baseball bats).

Dey explaned it to me dat since God is 3 pussons (de Trinnity), de Cathlics fink dat dey shuold also be 3 pussons as well. My Anti is certianly wanted by de cops in Enggland, Austriala and de USA under de names of Judy, Alfie and Moly, so I asked her if she was plannin to become a Cathlic. Now I got her flase teef embedded in my leg, dat probbably means no.

I luvs my dere Anti so here is a new photto of her.

I gotta job

Well, it is de holliday season, and de Tellegraph has recalled me to duty as a muddlerator, becos so many of dere fine muddleratin team in Sir Lanka is gonna be away. So I aint postin so much over de next few weeks. Who's gonna look after Bosco, I reely dont know, but we gave my dere bruvver a good bath and tiddied up his banddages. He is now peacefully lookin at a website called kill.a.cathlic.and.win.a.cadillac.com, which he says gives a frank and unbbiased analysis of Cathlic docktrine, and perhaps also a free car. So maybe he's OK for now.

De Tellegraph has given me some new giudelines about how to do dis muddleration fing. For example, here are a few sample blog postins, before and after muddleration.

How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
What is't you do?

How now, you secret
What is

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar.

Friends, lend me your ears!
I come to praise him.
men do lives after them
The good is oft
So let it be.

In fact de Tellegraph muddleration team is workin on a muddlerated edittion of Shaksepeare, which is gonna be far more poppular as all de bits where peeple gits cross and calls each other fanattical sockpoppets will be removed.

My Grate-Anti Moly says she aint very keen on muddleration, as she finds dat de best way she can comunnicate wiv de world is to insullt it. "Dem bullyin Cathlic traddies reportted my posts," she sez. Den she goes off to spend time wiv her only love, her cherie botle, dats a French joke, I doesnt reely understand it.

Bosco likewise gits very cross if he spends two hours finking of new ways to say dat Cathlics aint saved, and den de muddlerators removes his beuatiful senttiments. He have also got a new thoery dat cement iddles has got reel peeple inside, we found a photto showing de Cathlics tryin to manufacturre one.

However, de good news is dat Bosco's girlfiend, Camila Van Pyre, is ruound here a lot, she says he looks like a flim star wiv dem banddages. When she was a little girl she used to go and see dem flims wiv her mummy, I fink dat's what she said.

A Cathlic book

Well, my bruvver Bosco esscaped from de hopsital and ran down de street, dat's not bad wiv all his injurries, but when de Lord is wiv you, and Jessus tells you dat you is saved, den you got de strentgh of ten men. Here is anuvver pitcher of Bosco showin a certtain quiet dignitty as he gives de kiss of peace to some passers-by who aint saved.

"Is we bein raptured, Bosco?" I asked when I cuaght him up. "Only I fought it would be more excittin dan dis."
"Shut up, Eccles," replied my bruvver. Dis is how he treats me when he is cross, I fink dat even when we gits to Heaven he's gonna say "Shut up, Eccles."

We got home and knokced on the door, becos dem nuns what beat us up had stollen our house keys. Grate-Anti Moly opened de door.
"You're de rabbit. Go away! Go back to your donnkeys! Sockpoppet!" she screamed.
"Who's de rabbit, Anti?" I asked.
"Both of you. Fannatical, traddie, sad, RC cliqque bigots of the worst sort, don't try to impose your superstitoins on me, you constantly insullt me but seem totally incappable of realizing this..."
"Eccles, go and git a botle of sherry from de shop round de corner," hissed Bosco.
"Is you sure, Bosco?" I whipsered back. "It seems a bit cruel to hit Anti wiv a sherry botle. Maybe we could clibm in thruogh a window instead."
"It's for her to drink, you punchdrunk airhead!" repplied my bruvver, kindly puttin me straihgt.

Two hours later in de house, Anti was snorrin peacefully. But Bosco was readin a big book and gittin more and more angry. "Eccles, look at dis Cathlic book I found!" he shouted. "Dis proved dey aint saved, dem fillthy swine! It says here: 'Jesus was no more than a mortal whom We favored and made an example to the Isrealites.'"

"Bosco, we gottem!" I said. "Dis proves dat de Cathlics is wrong from start to finish and dey can't be saved. Woss this Cathlic book called den?"
"Dey calls it de Korran," said Bosco. "I read on de Internet dat it was written by a Pop called Mohhamed. Dey got a lot about dis Allah chap in it, I fink he's a Cathlic iddle."
Well we is an unassaillable position now, and I spose dem Cathlics aint gonna dare show dere faces round here in futture.

Here's a pitcher of a liddle boy worshippin a golden iddle. It shows dat dem Cathlic leads dere kids into iddletree very young, I finks it's shockin, and so does Bosco.

Weepin stattues

I has always been a bit septical of dese Cathlic claims dat stattues can weep, but Bosco says dat his stattue of St Cristina, which he won in a compettion, is keepin him awake at nihgt, cryin dat it wants to go home. I aint actaully seen it cryin, but Bosco never tells lies, and here is a pitcher of his bedroom flooded wiv tears.

We took advices from Pastor De Mentia of de Calumny Chappel, and he came along to see the stattue. Of course it weren't cryin when he saw it in Bosco's bedroom, and de Pastor said sternly "Bosco, we know you aint tellin lies, as saved people can't ever do dat. But it's still very mysterrious."

Last nihgt I was sleepin sweetly in my bed, and dreemin of de Pop swimmin in de Lake of Fire. He was shoutin "My it's hot in here. I is beginnin to susspect dat I aint saved. I shoulda dressed up as a clown like dat Bosco told me to!" Den I heard a loud screem from Bosco's room, so I went to investtigate.
"Whats bin happenin, Bosco, darlin bruvver?" I asked. "Has Anti Moly bin practisin her Banshee shreiks? She takes her new job very seriously. De feersome cry of 'sockpoppet' freezes poeple to de spot."
"No, Eccles, you blokchead," replied my affecktionate bruvver. "I was tryin to cheer up de weepin stattue by readin it some humerus excertps from my luvvly blog, but it went off into historics."

I is wonderin whether this could all be Bosco's imaggination, cos I aint seen de stattue weepin yet. Anyways, we can forgit dis for de moment, as tomorrow is Sundday and we gonna save lotsa poeple, who aint expectin it.

Bosco, if you gotta minute, I is still worried about dis pitcher of some Cathlics with an iddle. It aint cemment, but seems to be tin. Is it still wrong to kiss it?