Which bits of the Bible can we omit?

There's been a bit of controversy this week about the second reading in the Novus Ordo Mass, which was Ephesians 5:21-32: this has some juicy stuff about wives submitting to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ. As far as I know, in England and Wales, this bit is not optional (sometimes, parts of a reading can be omitted, but only if it is too long and the priest wants to get away early); however, in the USA it seems that St Paul's teaching does not meet with modern feminist ideals, and can be omitted if the priest is worried about being beaten up by irate women after the Mass is over.

"And if St Paul comes here, he'll get the same!"

So I looked at all the readings for last Sunday (including the psalm) to see whether there are other parts that should really be omitted to avoid offending sensitive souls.

Reading 1: This is from Joshua 24, and our hero calls the people together and tells them that if they don't want to serve the Lord, then they can go and serve the other gods, including the gods of the Amorites. The people decide to stay put.

Verdict: Well, this isn't very ecumenical, is it? I think we'd better cut this a bit, to avoid offending fans of Pachamama and similar alternative gods.

The Amorites worshipped Amurru, seen here dressed for motorcycling.

Psalm: Based on Psalm 33. It has the refrain "Taste and see that the Lord is good".

Verdict: This may offend people with no taste - and I don't mean modern hymn-writers, I mean inability to taste food and drink; and of course, what are the blind supposed to think? There's another awkward bit later on, where we're told that the just man will be rescued from his trials, and "not one of his bones shall be broken". What are people with broken bones going to think of that?

"This wouldn't have happend if you were a just man."

Reading 2: St Paul reveals that he is not exactly a feminist.

Verdict: Enough said already.

Gospel: From John 6. This starts with "After hearing His doctrine many of the followers of Jesus said, 'This is intolerable language. How can we accept it?'"

Verdict: We know how they feel. Look, let's just scrap all these Bible readings and skip to the homily, where the priest can make us feel comfortable by telling us about his holiday in Madeira.

Cupich is asked to install abortion chapel in Holy Name Cathedral

Following his successful participation in the Democratic National Convention last week, Cardinal Blase Cupich, known to regular readers as twice winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has been requested to import some of the features of the DNC to his own cathedral of Holy Name, Chicago.

"In the words of Our Lord, 'Orange Man Bad, Cackling Hyena Good!'"

One of the features of the DNC that proved most interesting was the abortion van, supplied by Planned Dead Child Parenthood. It had also been hoped that the DNC would provide a euthanasia/assisted suicide booth (after hearing the speeches, many were heard to ask "Do I have to carry on living?") However, it was felt by some people that the chances of Joe Biden wandering in by mistake, thinking it was an ice-cream parlour, were too great.

However, both an abortion chapel and a euthanasia chapel are possible features that could be incorporated into Holy Name Cathedral, assuming that the cardinal (and, presumably, the dean) agree. After all, many Americans described as devout Catholics consider these to be perfectly acceptable elements of healthcare.

As will be seen, there are several places that could be improved by the removal of unnecessary altars and the addition of healthcare facilities.

The second World Cup of Bad Hymns

As a distraction from all the other problems in the world, we'll have another world cup. I had planned a sumptuous opening ceremony, with Pachamama idols and Rupnik artwork, but, after complaints about bad taste from the Olympic Committee I decided to scrap it.

Anyway, as promised, the second world cup of bad hymns will begin soon. The first one, held in 2018, ended as follows:

Gold: Lord of the Dance (Sydney Carter)
Silver: Gather us in (Marty Haugen)
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine (Graham Kendrick)
Fourth Place: Kumbayah (anon)

The previous winners.

As before, this one will organised by a sequence of Twitter polls, one per day, on a knock-out basis, with as many rounds as needed.

Badness may be defined any way you wish, either by stupid lyrics, bad theology (since people of all Christian denominations - or none - may take part, we won't get agreement here), or even by an appalling tune.

I started with 44 nominations (everything that reached Round 2 last time, plus a few others that I particularly dislike). Nominations will close when we reach 64, or people stop sending them in - either by replying to this post or by replying to the Twitter announcement.

Anything that makes you shudder...

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Here are the ones we have so far (I am adding new ones as they arrive):

Abba, Abba Father, You are the Potter, we are the clay,  Carey Landry
Alleluia Ch-Ch,  Paul Inwood
As a fire is meant for burning,  Ruth Duck
As the deer pants,  Martin Nystrom
Autumn days when the grass is jewelled,  Estelle White
Bind us together, Lord,  Bob Gillman
Caterpillar, caterpillar,  Susan Sayers
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top,  Estelle White
Christ be our light,  Bernadette Farrell
Colours of day,  Sue McClellan
Come to the feast of Heaven and Earth (table of plenty),  Daniel Schutte
Eat this bread,  Jacques Berthier
Enemy of apathy (she sits like a bird),  John L. Bell and Graham Maule
Father, in my life I see,  Frank Andersen
Follow me,  Michael Cocket
For everyone born, a place at the table,  Shirley Murray
Gather us in,  Marty Haugen
Gift of finest wheat,  John Michael Talbot
Gloria (clap clap),  Martin Anderson
Glory to God (Peruvian Gloria),  Anon
Go, the Mass is ended,  Sister Marie Lydia Pereira
God of concrete,  Frederick R.C. Clarke
God of mercy and compassion,  Edmund Vaughan
God's Spirit is in my heart,  Alan Dale
I am the Bread of Life,  Suzanne Toolan
I am the Living Bread,  Ifeanyichukwu Eze
I am the Word that spoke (take and eat),  Michael Joncas
I just wanna be a sheep,  Brian Howard
I saw the grass, I saw the trees,  Estelle White
I watch the sunrise,  John Glynn
I, the Lord of sea and sky (here I am, Lord),  Daniel Schutte
If I were a butterfly,  Brian Howard
In bread we bring you, Lord,  Daniel O'Donnell
In Christ alone my hope is found, Stuart Townend and Keith Getty 
In my wrestling and in my doubts (my Lighthouse),  Llewellyn / Gilkeson
Jesus Christ the apple tree,  R.H.
Kumbayah,  Anon
Let there be peace on Earth,  Vince Gill
Let us build a house where love can dwell (all are welcome),  Marty Haugen
Let us build the city of God,  Daniel Schutte
Lord of the Dance,  Sydney Carter
Lord, you have come to the lakeshore/lakeside,  Cesáreo Gabaráin
Mary, did you know?  Mark Lowry
Moses, I know you're the man,  Estelle White
No longer strangers to each other (companions on the journey),  Carey Landry 
Now we remain,  David Haas
On eagle's wings,  Michael Joncas
One bread, one body,  John Foley
Our God reigns,  Leonard E. Smith
Shine, Jesus, shine,  Graham Kendrick
Sing a New Church,  Delores Dufner
Springs of water, bless the Lord,  Marty Haugen
The Lord told Noah (so rise and shine),  Trad.
The world is full of smelly feet,  Michael Forster
They'll know we are Christians by our love,  Peter Scholtes
This little light of mine,  Harry Dixon Loes
Touch the earth lightly,  Shirley Murray
Walk in the Light,  Damian Lundy
We are the salt of the earth (go make a difference),  Steve Angrisano, 
   Tom Tomaszek
We rise again from ashes,  Tom Conry
Who is the alien,  Mary Louise Bringle
Will you let me be your servant,  Richard Gillard
You are mine,  David Haas
You call me out upon the waters (oceans),  Joel Houston et al

"The next hymn is ... so put your hand up if you want to leave."

Addendum: We'll stick to English language hymns (and Christian ones) to avoid strange songs from people worshipping Klingon gods.

Addendum-dum: We now have 64 entries, and that's the lot.

Vatican welcomes Olympics opening ceremony

Last week's Olympics opening ceremony has been greeted warmly by Vatican staff and their friends. For any readers who were on another planet at the time, the highlight was a re-enactment of the Last Supper, in which a charming young lady called Miss Piggy (memo: check name) played the part of Jesus.

A spiritually nourishing scene.

Said Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis - the new Messiah?", top synodalist, and part-time kenotic decenterer, "Just as Pachamama was a representation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we see the Olympic scene as a faithful representation of the Last Supper, produced by devout Catholics. My only criticism is that there were no Rupnik murals decorating it."

Archbishop Vincenzo Paglia, president of the Pontifical Academy for Lust, said, "Well of course I have to say I'm condemning it, but after all, everyone, absolutely everyone, wants to sit at the table where Jesus gives his life for all and teaches love." Make of that what you will.

Other highlights of the Olympic opening ceremony included a mocking of the martyrdom of Marie Antoinette who - do we have to keep saying this? - NEVER said "Let them eat cake" (or even "brioches"). For reasons that some of us have never understood, the French like celebrating The Reign of Terror (and they even sing a disgusting song about filling ditches with blood).

Saint Denis is not amused either.

And what of "Pontifex" Francis himself? Well, his Twitter message was "The authentic Olympic and Paralympic spirit is an antidote against the tragedy of war and a way to put an end to violence. May sport build bridges, break down barriers, and foster peaceful relations." As Joe Biden puts it, "And they call ME clueless?"

Which brings us to Fr James Martin, who is of course the leading Catholic bridge-builder, and also a sports fan. "Why is there no Ignatian Yoga event at the Olympics?" he moaned. "We Jesuits could really clean up here."

And now the punch line...

Finally, Paris produced a worthy opening ceremony, as the Sacré-Coeur Basilica remained illuminated, while the neighbouring buildings were plunged into darkness. Sometimes, God shows His sense of humour.

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LATE NEWS

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According to this lookalike, the opening ceremony was intended to be synodal.

Quick World Cup of Latin Mass Letter Writers

As is probably well known to most readers, 48 fairly famous people, mostly from the world of writing, music and politics, signed a letter to the Times, making an appeal to the Pope to stop stamping on the Traditional Latin Mass and its adherents (I paraphrase here). This was similar to the "Agatha Christie" letter addressed to Pope Paul VI in 1971, which was largely succesful in its results.

But what should we call this letter, or rather, after whom? The 48 noble signatories are listed below, and I intend to conduct a quick world cup - I want to get it done in 2 weeks, so the rules will be slightly different - to choose one of the names.

Some are very well known, some rather obscure, but I think they all have Wikipedia entries, if you need any help working out who they are. I don't expect this Quick World Cup to be as popular as some others - for example the new World Cup of Bad Hymns, due to run in August - but I will bear this sorrow courageously.

The 48 runners are:

Robert Agostinelli
Lord Alton of Liverpool
Lord Bailey of Paddington
Lord Bamford
Lord Berkeley of Knighton
Sophie Bevan
Ian Bostridge
Nina Campbell
Meghan Cassidy
Sir Nicholas Coleridge
Dame Imogen Cooper
Lord Fellowes of West Stafford
Sir Rocco Forte
Lady Antonia Fraser
Martin Fuller
Lady Getty
John Gilhooly
Dame Jane Glover
Michael Gove
Susan Hampshire
Lord Hesketh
Tom Holland
Sir Stephen Hough
Tristram Hunt
Steven Isserlis
Bianca Jagger
Igor Levit
Lord Lloyd-Webber
Julian Lloyd Webber
Dame Felicity Lott
Sir James MacMillan
Princess Michael of Kent
Baroness Monckton of Dallington Forest
Lord Moore of Etchingham
Fraser Nelson
Alex Polizzi
Mishka Rushdie Momen
Sir Andras Schiff
Lord Skidelsky
Lord Smith of Finsbury
Sir Paul Smith
Rory Stewart
Lord Stirrup
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa
Dame Mitsuko Uchida
Ryan Wigglesworth
A N Wilson
Adam Zamoyski

And this was the letter (you can click to enlarge).

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QUALIFIERS FOR THE SUPER SIX, AS THEY COME IN.

FINAL RESULTS LISTED AFTER THE PHOTOS.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

Sir James MacMillan

Princess Michael of Kent

Lord Alton of Liverpool

Tom Holland

Lady Antonia Fraser

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Group 1:
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa 28.2
Princess Michael of Kent 42.7
Tom Holland 29.1

Group 2:
Sir James MacMillan 60.8
Lord Alton of Liverpool 21.6
Lady Antonia Fraser 17.5

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FINAL

Princess Michael of Kent 45.5 v Sir James MacMillan 54.5

So congratulations to the new Agatha Christie, Sir James MacMillan!

The Book of Numbskulls 2 - after the fall of Bosis

After some delay, continued from Chapter 1.

1. Following the fall of Bosis, it was decided that the children of Bri-tain would be led by his servant Trusshua.

But Liz telleth Liz that she will not be around for long.

2. Thus Trusshua went to see the Queen of Elisheba to receive the holy seals of office.

3. And such was the joy of Elisheba that she died three days later, to be succeeded by her eldest son, the King Charlemagne III.

The Lady of the Lake giveth the sword to Charlemagne.

4. So for ten days there was no government, as the country went into mourning, and the critics said: "All goeth very well at present. Can we not mourn for a few more years?"

5. But it was not to be, and Trusshua was obliged to govern. Thus she asked her chancellor, the Quartengmaster, to produce a mini-budgie, which would greatly increase the wealth of the people of Bri-tain.

6. However, the mini-budgie refused to fly, and the people were exceedingly wrathful.

7. Indeed, they stayed wrathful for another eighteen months, as we shall see.

This budgie is not more. It hath ceased to be.

8. Thus it was decided that Trusshua must go. But she spake out boldly, saying "I am a fighter not a quitter."

9. And then she resigned on the next day.

10. So this time the Conservatites decided that voting on a new leader was not a good idea.

11. Besides, if they chose anyone except Rishi the Sunakite, he would destroy the lucky one with plagues of cake and budgies.

12. Thus Rishi went to see King Charlemagne, to tell him that he was the people's choice.

13. And thus he was ready to meet other world leaders too.

Bless you! I'm the people's choice too!

To be continued.

A letter about the Latin Mass

The scene: Pope Francis is relaxing in a deck chair, idly thinking up new punishments that he can inflict upon Cardinal Burke. In rushes (well, waddles) Arthur Roche.

Someone is about to receive a bad shock.

Roche: Holy Father! There's a letter here you must see! We're doomed.

Francis: Oh no! Has Rupnik finally told everyone where the bodies are buried? Quick: book us onto the next plane to China!

Roche: No, nothing like that.

Francis: Sarah, Burke and Zen again? We can ignore them.

Roche: In fact it's a letter to the London Times about the Latin Mass.

Francis: Oh, a few Catholics moaning again? Joseph Shaw? Surely not Vincent Nichols? I thought you'd got him under your thumb? Or is Damian Thompson baring his teeth again?

Roche: No, it's worse than that. It's CELEBRITIES!

Francis (looks at letter): Oh, I've heard of some of these. Susan Hampshire! Stephen Hough! Bianca Jagger! I invited them to the last synod, but they were too busy.

Susan Hampshire discusses the TLM with her spiritual director.

Francis (contd.): Well, if it's CELEBRITIES and not ordinary Catholics, then we have to take action. Oh, but hang on...

Roche: What?

Francis: No Stephen Fry. No Richard Dawkins. No Carol Vorderman. It can't possibly be a genuine letter if they haven't signed it. Phew! It's OK, Arthur, you can carry on with your extermination plans...

No Agatha Christie this time, but Lady Antonia Fraser has some advice for Arthur Roche.

Zen and the art of Michael Lofton maintenance

The story so far:

You are a middle-aged man with a big head and a small beard, running a popular and lucrative website that some days has more than three viewers. Then guess what! Some jumped-up cardinal says cruel things about you!

It is your DUTY to put this Zen chap in his place!

This old man from Japan (memo: check this) dares to criticise Fiducia Supplicans - you know, that very important magisterial letter that told us that homosexual couples should be /blessed/ /shown the door/ /kissed/ /sent off to join the Jesuits/ ... well, we're not sure what, as the rules change every day. Still, priests can probably get away with blessing them provided that they cross their fingers while doing so, do not take more than 16.314 seconds over the task, and provided that the parties do not form a couple, but a pair, or possibly a brace, duo, or dyad. And the blessing must not look like a wedding - so no white dresses, bridesmaids, flowers, crying, or Wagner's immortal tune "Here comes the bride, short, fat and wide."

"I'll bet that this jumped-up cardinal doesn't even have tattoos all over his body!"

Well, you've got this Zen chap over a barrel now. He needs to be laicised, put on the rack, and (worst of all) forced to watch 200 hours of videos from your website "Reason and Theology - only joking, folks!" For he is clearly denying the Hermitage of Continuity, Vatican II, and the divinity of Pope Francis, and he is probably a Buddhist anyway, what with a crazy name like Zen.

Ha ha ha! Serve him right!

But HE BITES BACK. He tells people to stop wasting their "Michael's Pence" on your website, and instead to find a grown-up who knows what he's talking about!

You aren't standing for that! STEP 1: kick the cat. STEP 2: well, we'll think of something.

Next week: Cardinal Zen tells us what he thinks of Austen Ivereigh, Fr James Martin SJ, and "speedy" Cupich - who has just broken the record for the fastest ever Eucharistic procession.

Cardinal Cupich leads the procession (cue Yakety-Sax music).

The Pope needs some common cents!

Today we are celebrating the solemnity of St Peter and St Paul, and so this is also the time when the Pope gets out his begging bowl and asks us to donate Peter's Pence.

Times are hard!

To be fair, popes do have needs that the rest of us don't. When was the last time that YOU invested in Jesuitman, a pornographic film about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ Rocketman, a pornographic film about Elton John? When did YOU last try some dodgy property speculation? But these are activities that one only expects from the Holy Father.

It's Cardinal Dolan in Rockette-man!

So give generously. If Francis asks for pence, give him pence! Or if your natural currency is dollars or euros, then you can be sure that the pope is lacking in common cents! So help him to acquire some.

"But I don't give tuppence for the Pope's needs!"

Unfortunately at my church this morning there wasn't a great rush to shower the Vatican with gold and silver. In fact, poor old Ian, holding the bag for the retiring collection, was looking very glum, perhaps wondering why everyone seemed to be avoiding him.

Of course, if you don't want to upset Ian, there are acceptable things to put in the bag as alternatives to filthy lucre. Old buttons, maybe? A little envelope containing a pious message to Pope Francis (keep it clean, folks!)?

Or perhaps a P45?

How to conduct a trial for schism

This is another in our long-running series on "How to be a good Pope", which is read regularly by Pope Francis and his likely successors, Cardinals Cupich, Roche and Fernández (surely, Sarah, Burke and Müller ?) for useful advice.

In fact, if you think YOU may be the next pope but three, it's probably a good move to keep up to date with this series.

All good friends, really!

Some time in your papacy you may find someone who disagrees violently with you - even though you are the Holy Father and infallible in everything you say. Even half-remembered chats to Scalfari (RIP) and ex-aeroplana pronouncements on long flights are infallible. As is calling homosexuals "Massimo Faggiolis" (my Italian is not great but I think this means "Big Beans", which is a well-known term of abuse).

Luckily, the Catholic Church has a remedy for dissidents, an extrajudicial criminal trial for schism.

"Extrajudicial" is an interesting word. I think it means "sentence first, verdict afterwards", as the Queen of Hearts (also infallible) says in "Alice in Wonderland". It certainly doesn't mean a nice public trial, with you and your adversary - let's call him Archbishop Vinegar, so that nobody will think I'm talking about a real person - getting into the witness box and being insulted by men in silly wigs (or whatever the equivalent of the English system is).

"Just answer the question, Mr Francis."

Vinegar's accusations are many and varied. Some of the most hurtful are that you pull the wings off butterflies and kick lovable fluffy kittens. Good grief, if a pope can't do that, then who can?

Of course you do have many real skeletons in your cupboard, some of which Vinegar has managed to find. Others are well-known to any knowledgeable Catholic - your fondness for protecting unsavoury characters such as that dreadful painter Marko the Ripper, for example. No chance of his being subject to an extrajudicial criminal trial! He knows too much...

Anyway, after Vinegar's trial, or rather, before it, comes the sentence. You have checked with your advisers, and we no longer use the rack or the iron maiden - well, except at the wildest of Cardinal Cocoa's drug orgies - and all you can really do is excommunicate him. What an anti-climax!

Archbishop Vinegar will not be expecting this either.

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Nothing to do with the above (or is it?), but the AI program Copilot kindly produced a picture of the famous Annibale Bugsbunni, to whom we all owe so much. It would be a pity not to use it here.

What's up, Holy Father?

Pope Francis decides to reform all masses

Pope Francis the Peacemaker has finally found a compromise between all the different factions in the Catholic Church (including those who find spiritual nourishment from Traditional Latin Masses, Novus Ordo masses, LGBTF masses, Clown Masses, etc. etc.).

A few minor changes are expected.

"There was only one possible solution," said the Holy Father. "We can't have people offering different types of masses, while still believing them to be valid. Therefore we must find an alternative!"

Of course there is only one possible alternative - synods! "On Sundays and Holy Days we expect faithful Catholics to go into their churches, sit round tables, and attempt to bore the pants off their neighbours!" explained Cardinal Roche of the Dicastery for Divine Worship. "Coffee and cake - lots of cake - will be provided, as that is definitely a form of worship!"

Preparing for the Synomasses

Cardinal Víctor Manuel Fernández of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith agrees. "Of course, kissing will be allowed, as that is also a form of worship. We shall extend the ever-popular 'kiss of peace' to thirty minutes and make it more touchy-feely."

The new services - to be called Synomasses - will of course be conducted in "Vernacular", so that everyone can understand them, even if they go to Norway, Mozambique or Samoa. "Those Vernaculans knew a thing or two - they invented a language that everyone could speak!" explained the learned Professor Massimo Faggioli.

Preparing for the Synomasses!

Of course, not everyone is immediately satisfied: "Can we guarantee that every church will have a Rupnik mural?" asked Dr Austen Ivereigh. "Will Pachamama still be revered?" asked Mike Lewis. "Will rainbow flags be flown?" asked Fr James Martin LGBTFSJ. Fear not, Pope Francis the Peacemaker has promised that all of these will be a COMPULSORY part of Synomasses!

The Synod of Comics and the Synod of Despots

As a by-product of the Synod on Synodal Synodality, Pope Francis is enjoying synods so much that he decided to hold two more.

Getting ready for some kenotic decentering.

First, the Synod of Comics. A bit of a mixed bunch here - Fr James Martin LGBTSJ made the cut, but Austen Ivereigh didn't. Then Stephen Colbert, was there, chosen for being Catholic but not too Catholic, and certainly not too funny.

Colbert likes to needle people.

Also Whoopi Goldberg is about as anti-Catholic as they come. But she will be walking with the rest (or perhaps waddling), all the while looking for a new way of being Church. Oh, that's enough, let's move on to the synod of despots.

"Could you jump-start my brain, please? The battery's flat."

All the great world leaders - by which we mean acolytes of Soros, Schwab and Gates etc. - will be attending the synod of despots. Well not all - you would expect to see despots such as Arthur Roche and Victor Fernández attending, but Uncle Arthur dropped out when he was told there would be no cake, while Tucho was told he would not be allowed to kiss anyone, not even Ursula von der Leyen.

"How nice to meet someone who's even more unpopular than I am!"

Of course, Pope Francis will be at both synods. His own Amoris Laetitia is packed with jokes as funny as anything Colbert ever said, while his despotic skills have never been questioned.

Well, that will take people's attention away from Rupnik, won't it?

It's Sloth Pride!

Brother Eccles couldn't be bothered to write this post himself, so we arranged for someone else to put it together.

We are lazy, and we are proud of it! For too long the Catholic Church has persecuted those who share our orientation towards work (we turn our backs on it). However, we in the LBDN - Lazy Blighters Doing Nothing - Community are now ready to take action - although obviously we won't do very much.

Posters like this will soon be seen everywhere. Or maybe we won't bother.

Is it really right in this post-Vatican II era that Sloth should be a deadly sin? Why do the Catholics refuse to marry people who won't make the effort to go to church? Why should lazy people be prevented from taking communion, just because they stay in bed all day? For too long the Church has shown institutionalized Acediaphobia! Well, times are changing, and we slobs are coming out of the closet, although we'll probably be having a lie-down soon!

London's Sloth Pride March! Unfortunately, nobody turned up.

We have the support of many senior clergy. We got someone to write a letter to Vincent Nichols, asking if he would give us a special church in the Westminster Archdiocese, where Sloth Masses could be held (we could watch them on television, of course). Cardinal Nichols showed true Sloth Awareness by not bothering to answer us. Likewise, in America we approached Cardinal Dolan; he was on a "Gluttony Pride" march at the time, but he did make us feel welcome.

See! Sloth Masses are just like any other!

We even asked the Holy Father to dash off an encyclical for us, perhaps to be called Panem Otiosa. (I must look that up sometime, I'm told it's from Proverbs 31:27.) If he doesn't do it, we'll know he's supporting us by his actions! Indeed, Cardinal Grech has already told us that we have the full support of the Pope, and that the 2024 Synod on Synodality will welcome spokesmen for the lazy, the idle, the slothful and the work-shy. Not that any will be turning up.

Equal rights for the Lazy!

Sloth Pride!

This is an updated version of a piece originally published in 2015.

Paul the Apostle accused of using offensive words

Corinth, 56 A.D.

Senior Catholic Paul the Apostle (formerly Saul of Tarsus) has stunned the Roman church today by using derogatory language about homosexuals in his Epistle to the Romans. Our apologies to sensitive readers here, but he is reported as using terms such as "burned in their l*sts" and "that which is f*lthy".

Paul - in hot water.

Even the usual Paulsplainers are shocked by this outspoken language, and Tertius of Iconium, the cardinal's amanuensis (surely, Austenus of Iverium?), has had to intervene with a statement saying:

* Paul never said that.

* Well, all right he said that, but Greek isn't his native language and he didn't know that these words were rude.

* Well, all right, he did know, but that's the way they always speak in Tarsus. See his usage of terms such as f*rnication and w*ckedness, which are not normally seen in polite society.

* Can we change the subject now and talk about climate change in Greece? Phew, what a scorcha it's been this summer, eh?

The top Paulsplainer site, Where Paul Is has so far refused to criticise the Holy Apostle, or to back him. It is believed that its manager is suffering a nervous breakdown.

Paul himself has not commented, but he is believed to be working on a new Epistle to the Frociaggians, which will be even more outspoken.