This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 5 November 2012

Obama explains how the Bible supports him

President Barack Obama, well known to be a very devout Christian, has released an advert explaining how his policies are based on Biblical writings.

Cain and Abel

Cain and Abel - an economic lesson for us all.

"I base my economic policies on the much-loved story of Cain and Abel," explained the President. "Abel was a rich man, able to make the Lord a good offering, whereas Cain was poor, and came from a broken family, driven out of their home in Eden. What was he to do but kill Abel? Only the most die-hard Republicans would criticise him."

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Obama (formerly Sandy).

"Hurricane Obama (formerly known as Sandy) is another sign that the Lord is with me. Recall the verses of Jeremiah:

 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Look! Disaster is spreading
    from nation to nation;
a mighty storm is rising
    from the ends of the earth.'
The fact that New York has been badly devastated at this time is a sign that the Lord is telling the people of America 'Vote for that nice man Obama!'"

Gadarene swine

The Gadarene swine - doing Christ's bidding.

"I have always liked the story of the Gadarene swine - indeed, when people accuse me of leading America over a cliff, both morally, economically and socially, I say to them, 'But it is what Christ is telling us to do!'"

Speak roughly to your little boy

Kids! Horrid things! Let's kill them!

"Some of you may be wondering how the Bible justifies my policies on late-term abortion and even partial-birth abortion. I take my lead from King David, no less, who said, in one of his chart-topping psalms:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones 
against the stones.
I hope we'll hear no more complaints about abortion, especially as my Vice-President, saintly Joe Biden, tells me that his sincerely-held Catholic faith leads directly to a pro-abortion standpoint. He's a great admirer of King Herod, and always has a good laugh on Holy Innocents' Day."

Barack O'Beast

The Beast of the Apocalypse - have we misjudged him?

"The word 'apocalypse' is from the Greek word Ἀποκάλυψις, which means 'revelation' or 'unveiling.' I have always felt it my duty to bring an apocalypse to the United States. One character in the book of the Apocalypse - who, like me, has had a bad press in some right-wing circles - is known to his friends as 'Beast,' just as I am. A much misjudged character, who merely wanted to stick to his principles, as I do."

Obama and friend

"I hope this puts an end to all talk questioning my religious faith."


  1. The Obamamessiah will arise - hopefully to a new job on Wednesday. Xx Jess

  2. Eccles, you may be saved but I have now discovered you are not infallible! I bet on three of your dogs at Perry Bar today and all received the Last Rites before the third bend.

    Then again, maybe you ain't J. Eccles, greyhound trainer of that parish, but the diabolical Bosco only put that idea into my mind.

    1. Nope, I'm afraid I aint never trained greyhounds. I is gettin quite friendly wiv Anti Moly's pet possums, but dat aint quite de same.

    2. Hughie, if you had been paying attention to the column, you could have won at Hall Green yesterday, on Beaties Wonder, at 11.38 and on Molly Mollster at 12.32.

    3. Take my word for it, if I had noticed they'd have got beat!

    4. Last Rites on the 3 dogs? That prooves they is possums, lyin there playin ded! You did it, wonderful Eccles! Anti's possums is going to be athletes!