This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 29 August 2016

Letters to the Pope

Dear Holy Father,

I have been reading your guide Amoris Laetitia a little at a time, and eventually got to Paragraph 226, where it advises married couples to try a morning kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to welcome each other home, taking trips together, and sharing household chores. So this morning I gave my wife Doris a morning kiss, and this evening I gave her an evening blessing. She asked me why I was suddenly behaving so strangely and accused me of having an affair.

I stormed out and went to the Jesuit's Arms pub for a refreshing pint of Reese and Martin's Old Peculier. However, Doris did welcome me home with a traditional blow from her rolling-pin when I came back later, so I feel that the Spirit of Amoris Laetitia has entered our home.

I have decided to surprise her tomorrow by sharing the household chores.

Ricky Fathead.

pope reading a letter

"Another satisfied customer!"

Dear Mr Pope,

We are happy to enclose your new Alitalia Catholic Diamond Membership Card. In addition to priority check-in and an extra baggage allowance, this card allows you to stand at the front of the aeroplane preaching on any subject you like: your words will be recorded and broadcast to the entire Catholic world for discussion, clarification, retraction, re-interpretation, and parody.

The Catholic Diamond Membership Card is a very rare privilege, and you are only the third top Catholic to be blessed by receiving this. The other two are of course Tony Blair and Joe Biden, and I am sure that you are delighted to have joined the company of such people.

Luigi Bertorelli (Alitalia Club Membership).

pope entering aeroplane

Pope Francis has finally arrived!

Dear Sir or Madam,

My husband Ricky Fathead has broken our washing-machine by attempting to wash the cats in it. His excuse was that Amoris Laetitia told him to do it. I am holding you personally responsible.

Doris Fathead (Mrs)

P.S. The cats are fine.

cat in washing-machine

A victim of Amoris Laetitia.

Dear Holy Father,

We are puzzled by the following statement by your henchman Bishop Farrell, who is about to become head of the Vatican's new office for laity, family and life.

Although between us we have 50 D.Phil.s and a variety of other qualifications, we wish to admit defeat and put on record our opinion that Amoris Laetitia is too confusing for us. We know you did not write it all - and indeed have not read it all - but its wording is often ambiguous, and likely to lead some impressionable Jesuits into heresy.

Dr Joseph Shaw and lots of very puzzled co-signatories.

Dear Mr Bergoglio,

My wife has now left me, taking the cats with her. I blame Amoris Laetitia. So I have decide to leave the Catholic Church and become a Tablet-reader instead. Ha!

Ricky Fathead.


  1. Thank you for the giggles, Eccles.

    The part about sharing the household chores,I particularly liked.I do think His Holiness could have reinforced this point better by reminding husbands of eternal damnation, and excruciating suffering in hell fire if they neglect household point in Protestant pussy footing about... Serve it up a la catholique !

  2. Fantastic.

    Just hoping that the man in the neighbouring office has gone home though. We have been office neighbours for many years now and he will have never have heard uncontrollable laughter coming from here before. I hope he doesn't think that I have lost it.

    James 60498

  3. Next we see Ricky re-married to the amorous Letizia in Spain and demands to receive Communion, especially now that some note by some foot says he can. How forgetful he is!

  4. We know you did not write it all - and indeed have not read it all - ...

    Oooohh. That stung!


  5. Hmm, this is not my experience with letters to the Pope. I tried sending one to "The Pope, Vatican City" but it came back with the notice "Delivery impossible, please be more specific".

    1. Even the mail handlers know? Gee, this means either more people think the jurisdiction of the Pope was divided by the events of February/March 2013 – ask them, Comfy, if that's current in current letters – or lettered bloggers just want to show they still can't wrap their (consequently big) heads around same.

      Eccles, I wrote on this because of "Damain". And I have a combox. But no-one ever writes, so as far as I know I am not wrong:

    2. Dear Eccles, my comment is indeed on a more serious note, though I do acknowledge that all of your posts and commenters are serious.

      I am very concerned about what Fr. Hunwicke, one of the 45 signatories writes about in his blog post today. He says: Intimidation and cruel pressures have, it appears, been applied to persuade some of the signatories to the Letter to rescind their signatures.

      He also says: I would like to make it very clear that I am not talking about myself or in any way describing or alluding to my own situation or any experience I have had.

      Read the whole post here at:

      Is there any way we can rouse Catholics around the world to address this abuse of the right to exercise Canon 212?...more letters to Pope Francis? Or to the Cardinals? Or to the Bishops of each of our diocese?

    3. Possibly, the mail handlers have been victims of some HS Francis remarks on their pay being too high, and they got back at him this way.