This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 31 December 2016

Holy Father expected to resign soon

This may shock some readers, but the man revered by millions of Catholics as their leader - the person who tells them what to think - is now expected to move on to another job before long.

Things began to unravel for him a month or two ago, when it was clear that he refused to regard the communist tyrant Fidel Castro as simply a brutal dictator, and went from bad to worse when he became involved in the storm over Amoris Laetitia.

Pope, Ivereigh, Valero

SInging "The Holy and the Ivereigh" together.

Yes, Austen Hercules Ivereigh, the Holy Father of Catholic Voices (expected to merge soon with its rivals Anglican Waffles, Muslim Screamings and Secular Spleens), is getting further and further out on a limb, and will surely drop off soon to take a cushy job as Pope Francis's confidant, odd-job man and assistant wielder of the Spadarine sockpuppets.

Some say he jumped the shark when he referred to critics of Amoris Laetitia as dissenters, urging Pope Francis to break with Catholic tradition and ignore the four cardinals' dubia. Others say that this was a mere training leap - over a mackerel, say - and that he was really saving his athletic exploits for an attack on the Polish Church: their fault, roughly speaking, is that they are unhappy at the way Pope Francis contradicts the teachings of their own Pope St John-Paul, not to mention the 260-odd previous popes, the apostles, and a certain Jesus Christ of whom some theologically-expert readers may have heard.

Vincent Nichols and a girl dressed as a shark

VIncent Nichols learns about the liberal sport of shark-jumping.

Well, we shall miss Uncle Austen if he retires to Rome in order to give the pope a helping hand, but from here he doesn't have many options. Either he has to come out with more and more ludicrous statements ("Why Fidel should be canonized," "Bring back torture for Cardinal Burke," or "52% of Catholics are literally Satan"?) or (unlikely) tell us the answers to the dubia so that we can all get back to being holy people again, or shut up for a few months and write "Pope Francis Volume 2 - the Vatican Strikes Back", or... well do something else.

Meanwhile, Austen has not yet answered our 5 yes/no dubia: Are you off your head? Do you need a lie down? Are you serious? Did you really say THAT? and Have you been hacked?

9 comments:

  1. "...the 260-odd previous popes"...
    Who are the 5 popes that we should not count among the previous ones?

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    Replies
    1. Here in Britain the suffix "-odd" when added to a number means that the number given is a reasonable approximation which, in the context of the article, is not meant to exclude any legitimate pope. I hope this is helpful.

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    2. Pretty sure Eccles meant to imply that there were 5 pope who were not necessarily to be counted among the "odd" ones...
      (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

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    3. In all seriousness, missed the Ivereigh tower ramblings about the late, great inFidel, but did he really say, or even imply that it was somehow the fault of the US that the yes-a-brutal-dictator-but-oh-so-much-more tried to crush the Church?
      (As non-subscriber, can't read rest of the fable)
      Save the Liturgy, Save the World!

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  2. Yes, "260-odd" means "about 260". You don't need a subscription to the Tablet (and who would want one?) to read the Castro piece linked to, do you?

    Happy new year, folks, and stay saved.

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  3. Surely Eccles 260 Popes were odd and only the remaining five were not odd. Of course Pope Francis is definitely one of those five not odd but I cannot remember who the other four were.

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  4. By odd of course one means that the 260 odd popes just got it all wrong whereas Pope Francis is putting us right.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Nicolas.
      It's 1st January not the 1st April.

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    2. Putting who right? Francis is at the left of everybody already.

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