This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 27 September 2012

How to choose a new Archbishop

With the eyes of the world on the Anglican church, we offer some advice to help it choose a new Archbishop of Canterbury.

1. The Buddhist method. Look for a baby who is a reincarnation of Rowan Williams. Two problems here: first, Rowan is not actually dead; second, this would leave the Church of England without firm leadership for about fifteen years. Oh - so no change there, then.

Rowan Williams

The new occupant of the high chair of St Augustine?

2. The Catholic method. Lock all the bishops away in a room and don't let them come out until they are able to declare "Habemus Puppet:" this means that one of their number will do what the rest tell him (this is the Anglican church, after all). He will also change his name; so we may end up with an Archbishop Æthelnoth II, or Plegmund II, or even Rowan II. The only snag we can see is that if one locks up all the Anglican bishops in a room, then the winner will be the only one without a knife in his back.

Habemus Puppet

Habemus Puppet!

3. The Government would find it so much easier to push its agenda of same-sex marriage for all if the Church of England could be converted into a government department. In this scenario, there is a strong case for appointing Nick Clegg as the new Archbishop. As a man with no strong religious views he will appeal to all sections of the Anglican church. Moreover, he has nothing much else to do at present.

Archbishop Nick

Let us put our hands together for a few simple prayers.

4. Well, if the Queen wants to be supreme governor of the church, can't she do her own dirty work? Technically, she could be advised by David Cameron, a man who thinks that the Magna Carta is one of the ordinaries of the Latin Mass, but she prefers to take advice from scholarly publications such as the Sun and Daily Mail.

Queen reading

The Queen studies the form book and desperately tries to decide between +Cuthbert Bognor-Regis and +Elvis Luton.


  1. Baby Rowan's is going to haunt my dreams for some time to come.

  2. They seem already to have gone for the Vatican method - where is this locked room that the members of the CNC are sequestered for the next few days, I wonder?

  3. Whut about Rowan Atkinson? He looks very good in vestments, and can equal anyone when it comes to doing silly things, and the partial name change would not confuse too many saved poeple.

  4. I think snoop dogg is ideal.

    Look !! He already has a great babylonian fish hat, which is super ecumenical in my opinion !!!

  5. They can do what the dirty catholic church does. Take a room full of kiddie fiddlers and have them draw straws. The kiddie fiddler with the longest straw gets to be archbishop

  6. I second Gene Robinson for archbishop. The anglican church has come out of the closet. The filthy catholic church still denies its totally homosexual priesthood. The CC cannot tell the truth. That would go against its longstanding policy. Gosh, a religion with hellbound priests. I wonder what its followers are thinking? Seeing as how they will follow their priests to the Lake of Fire.