This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Was Jesus married?

Prof. Karen King of Harvard University claims to have discovered a 4th century fragment of papyrus proving (as the great theologian Dan Brown claimed a few years ago) that Jesus was definitely married.


An exciting piece of papyrus.

Prof. King's translation of the papyrus is as follows:

And Jesus's mother-in-law scolded Him, saying, "It'll be a miracle if Thou ever makest anything of Thy life, and what's more Thou does not give my daughter enough housekeeping, Thou mayst think two sparrows are sold for a farthing, but in fact good quality sparrows can be as much as a penny each these days, what's more the donkey needs feeding, and Thou hast promised to remove that dried-up fig tree in the garden..."

St Leslie

St Leslie of Dawson.

This is not the first piece of papyrus that refers to Jesus having a wife. For example, there is the fragmentary "Gospel of St Leslie." This contains the famous "Sermon in the pub" in which Jesus is alleged to say "I can always tell when the mother-in-law's coming to stay; the pigs run into the sea." Another saying that Jesus is claimed to have uttered is: "I wouldn't say that my wife was fat but it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for her to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Most scholars think that the "Gospel of St Leslie" is a forgery. However, our Lord is not the only religious figure who may have had trouble with scolding relatives. For example, it is now generally accepted that Mrs Buddha used to scold her husband for sitting under a Bodhi tree all day long when there was work to be done.

Buddha, skiving off work

Buddha! We're out of candles. Do something - we need enlightenment.


  1. I have found a new fragment of a Gospel which states that, after a marital tiff, Mr Jesus said: Noli me Tangere.

    Professor King

    1. Dear Professor King,

      As you will have noticed, Noli me tangere is an anagram of Lemon ’n’ Tangerine, which as every NT scholar knows, was Mary Magdalene’s favourite flavour of Haagen Dasz ice cream. If that isn’t conclusive proof of the empowerment of women in the early Church, I don’t know what is.

      Uncle Brian

  2. Funny none of the main Gospels mentioned her. Did she take the day off for the Crucfixion to get her nails done, and then refuse to accompany the other women to the tomb on Easter Sunday in case she chipped them?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. News just in - Declan Lang has banned Professor King from Clifton Cathedral.

  5. He's on a roll...

  6. News update - Harvard University has now banned Declan Lang.

  7. Latest news, Harvard University excluded from Rabit blog. (Just be on the safe side in a fluid situation.)

  8. By the way, Eccles, it is doubtful that the actual words of Jesus´mother-in-law were "the donkey needs feeding." She prolly said it in Aramaic, which is "Go and stop that silly donkey shagging the wheelbarrow."

  9. Three and a half years later the forger has been named, one Walter Fritz, a German swindler and pornographer now living near Sarasota, Florida. And the Harvard professor who swallowed the bait unhesitatingly because she thought it would help her trick people into believing her nonsense about the “empowerment” of women in the early Church has been exposed as a naïve credulous goof.