This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 26 July 2013

Church of England reviews its investments

After expressing embarrassment that the Church of England was profiting from investment in the payday loan firm Wonga, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has been considering other possibilities.

Willy Wonka

Welby Wonga - an unethical investment in chocolate.

Welby Wonga, the chocolate company, is of course excluded because its products make children fat and destroy their teeth. But there are other options available.

Top of the list of possible investments for the Church of England is the company Bunga, which supplies female companionship to Italian politicians.

Bunga Bunga

Silvio B. was very satisfied with Bunga.

Another option available to the archbishop is to invest in a successful manufacturer of arms, nerve gas, biological weapons, etc. This could easily be achieved by buying UK government bonds, although doing so may fall foul of Archbishop Welby's "ethical investments" policies.

More acceptable may be Dunga, the manure conglomerate (slogan "Where there's muck there's brass"), which provides a necessary social service, reprocessing animal waste, and similar material such as Thought for the Day contributions, into high-grade fertilizer.

One final possibility is that the Church of England cash will go abroad - possibly to India, where Kipling, the cake company, has opened a subsidiary, Gunga Din.

Gunga Din

"You make better cakes than we do, Gunga Din."


  1. Does this mean I have to stop eating Wonga Bars? And, I suggest the Anglicans hire some Oompa Loompas to clean things up,or better send Oompas to the synod in September....Original Oompa Loompa Songs (1971)

  2. Well, at least Silvio got some bang for the buck (he has a lot of bucks…) or so we’re led to believe.

    The Archbishop, however, likely has a different ‘return’ in mind.

  3. I would like to point you in the direction of Jadis Enterprises BV - which has been running successfully in The Netherlands for many years (with offshoots in Switzerland, Oregon and China).

    We work in the assisted dying business - which, let's face it is a growth industry given the aging population of the West. The basic package consists of my leaping out from behind a bush and turning you into stone with my wand. This is a very cost-effective way of avoiding funeral and cremation costs - and you can either choose to be placed tastefully in your own garden or be plonked on a random grave in your local cemetery (if choosing the latter, please ensure you wear a pair of wings at all times after hiring us, for the sake of authenticity).
    The deluxe package, which is unaccountably popular with Wykhamists and twitterers, is to be trussed up on a stone table by a raging mob of ugly hags, black dwarfs and other bestial fantasy creatures and have your hair (or mane) cut off, before being despatched with a stone knife. Your body will then be drawn on a reindeer sleigh to the St Richard Dawkins Funeral Home.

    In an exciting recession-proof development we are moving into the contract killing market. We will happily follow your granny to the lawyer's on the day you take her to make her will, and then strike her dead in the ladies' toilet to be discovered after a suitable period. This permits your wife/concubine/trained alsatian to rifle her sideboard for Franklin Mint Collectibles ahead of your sister in law and other thieving relations who got to Auntie Vera's Royal Doulton thimble collection first by bribing the mortuary technician.

    1. Thank you Jaddis. I doesnt normally allow commercail advertisin on my blogg, but I think I'll make an exceptoin here.

    2. You don't sound too keen, Eccles. Would it help if we offered double Green Shield Stamps?

  4. If you included a picture of Cary Grant for my benefit, thank you. If not, thank you anyway.

  5. While it is immensely funny to find the CofE in its usual confusion, what a very sensible man and cogent representative Archbishop Welby turns out to be. It is a pity he is not wearing a cardinal's hat in Westminster. Meanwhile, the awful Catholic Twatter saga reveals a nasty side of Catholicism which must be dealt with at top level. It is bad enough when "Catholic Voices" start bullying people, but when ordained ministers also start using inappropriate language they must be pulled up fast. Where is the leadership here?