This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Homeopathic religion

The principles of homeopathy will be well known to most readers: they are based on Proverbs 32:42: A little goes a long way. For example, blindness can be cured by drinking a glass of water in which a piece of carrot has been dipped - but don't forget to dilute the water 1000-fold.

Similarly, a broken leg doesn't require extensive bandaging - a skilled homeopath can cure it with a small sticking plaster (indeed, applying it for five seconds and then removing it should be enough).


You poor man - let's get these bandages off and cure you homeopathically.

And now the principles of homeopathy are being applied to religion. Compare and contrast the old and the new regimes:

Old: Love God, love your neighbour as yourself, prayer, fasting, Mass attendance, charitable actions, regular reading of this blog.

New: Generally stay indifferent to God, ignore your neighbour, say "O God" in times of trouble, refuse that fifth helping of treacle pudding in Lent, ...

treacle pudding

Fasting - in Lent do not eat more than four of these at a time.

... wave at the church as you drive past on the way to Tesco's, put your old hole-ridden socks in one of those charity bags that people push through your letter-box, use the Tablet to line the cat's litter tray.

angry cat

Who's been leaving **** in my litter tray?

We spoke to one of the leading exponents of homeopathic Catholicism, jolly "Enda Life" Kenny. He explained to us that, despite his antipathy towards unborn babies, he remains a staunch Catholic. On the principle that a little goes a long way, Enda is going to feed on minute, diluted quantities of Catholic doctrine - if he can find something easily digestible that will not get in the way of his more important diet of secularism.

Kenny and a dog

"Yes, I'm having a hot dog for lunch," says Enda.

Well, there you have it. As homeopathic medicine is cheap and relies on the "placebo" effect, we see that homeopathic religion, relying on the "Please yourself" effect, requires no difficult commitments; it can be practised in such a way that nobody even notices that it is going on.


The homeopathic road to Salvation.


  1. Darling eccles, is this homeophobia? xx Jess xx

    1. Dear Madam,
      I would like to point out that cheap jokes making light of the serious subject of sexual equality, gender diversity and cross dressing (or even slightly bad-tempered dressing) are highly offensive to most people.

      Yours etc.,
      Most People of Tunbridge Wells

    2. Dear MPTW,

      I'll have you know there was nothing cheap about that joke, it was hand-crafted by woodland folk in a sylvan glade, and then delivered via a special internet service which ordinary folk can't access, so that those wearing tin-foil birettas will not get their underwear in a scrunchie.

      Jess xx

  2. Few may know that both the British and American Medical Associations have declared homoeopathy as bogus, and that the founder was steeped in the occult. Hope no one takes it seriously, and I am glad Bruvver does not.

    The treacle cake looks yummy and is a cure for depression in late afternoons, btw.

  3. The poor can't complain about the hole-ridden socks, so thanks for bringing that up. Only those who can afford new socks are allowed to complain.

    By the way, many thanks to whomever it was who donated the pickled artichoke hearts to the food bank.

  4. So The Tablet does have a use...

  5. Thanks to Eccles we can get indulgences when we email him. Indulgence is the new way to heaven.

  6. Apparently, Cameron wants to pass a new law against homeophobia.

  7. Enda's dog doesn't look very happy. He has probably heard about the new legislation.

    "If human beings are disposable, what about us dumb animals?"