This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Mass for the Twitterati

Priest: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Troll 1: Why don't you just crawl off and die? I'm going to kidnap your hamster and make it into a pie.

cuddly hamster

There's no use looking sweet. They're out to get you.

Worshipper 2: Just block him, Father.

Troll 2: Admit it, you're a sockpuppet of Eccles living simultaneously in Brighton, Corby and Spain.

Worshipper 3: Amen.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Amen.

Worshipper 4: I've got a dreadful cold and the bus was late and there was a dirty old man on it smelling of haddock.

Worshipper 5: So the restaurant said "Yes, we do take-aways" and I replied "O.K. then, what's 97 minus 61?"

Worshipper 6: ROFL. Or do I mean LOL?

Worshipper 7: 46. No - it's 36.

Troll 3: All Catholics are vile you know. Richard Dawkins calls them "faith-heads". Which proves it.

Worshipper 2: I'm blocking you too.

Dawkins in loud shirt

Richard is wearing his "tasteless shirt of the day".

Priest: If I may continue?

Troll 2: Eccles has got 4 young daughters and 4 donkeys. I have the evidence.

Priest: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

Worshipper 8: Shouldn't that be "fellowship"?

Worshipper 9: No, Catherine. When did you last go to Mass?

Worshipper 8: 95% of Tablet readers no longer attend Mass. I blame Arthur Roche - he did the new translation.

Arthur Roche

The guilty party.

Troll 2: Arthur Roche wouldn't let me become a priest, so I put on a biretta and sang rugby songs outside his bedroom window at 3 a.m.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you.

Worshipper 3: And with your spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. And with your spirit.

Priest: Is the right answer!

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Is the right answer!

Troll 1: Then I'll steal the Eccles cakes from your kitchen and jump on them.

ruined bakery

After a troll attack.

Worshipper 10: Have you seen the "Our new heresy of the week" column in this week's Tablet?

Worshipper 11: No, my father won't have it in the house.

Priest: Brethren, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you, Father. No, that can't be right.

Troll 4: Mysteries? You mean Agatha Christie? ROFL.

Priest: Oh, why do I bother?

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that...


  1. I likehamster but have you taken it from what does the prayer really say sidebar, theif baggins,? poor Fr XYZ&?

    1. Creul words, bruvver Mike. Nope, I dont fink I has concsiously theived nuffink.

  2. Beg pardon for 'avin a nasty suspicious mind.I threw me three monkeys out ther window long since, hitting a passerby, probably a council snooper as deserved it.

  3. Priest: Let us offer each other the Tweet of peace.

    Worshipper 1: F-off
    Worshipper 2: Do I look bovvered?

  4. Priest: Tweete Missa Est
    Worshipper 1:DG
    Worshipper 2; Day what...?

    [rubric - priest facebooks the altar & then turns to facebook the people]

  5. I had a load of twits come storming into my donkey blog yesterday. What a rood and norty bunch they are. Such a mess on the carpet. Having hosted the party yesterday, people will be pleased to know that another blog is exposing the Twitter bullies now: ("Where lies and falsehoods are exposed...")