This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 24 May 2015

That lost episode of "Father Ted"

The scene: Craggy Island Presbytery. Fr Ted is sitting in a chair, reading a copy of Tina Beattie's God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, and sniggering at the dirty bits. Fr Jack is asleep in a chair.

The front door opens and Fr Dougal walks in. Ted hastily hides his copy of the Beattie book, and picks up a copy of the Vatican II Document Extra Tedium.

Fr Ted cast

Nothing's wrong with the Catholic Church in Ireland!

Dougal: Hello, Ted. I've just run into one of those funny Redemptorist priests, and he told me to vote for "gay marriage", so I agreed. So tell me, Ted, what is "gay marriage"?

Ted: Now, Dougal, it's when two men or two women get married, rather than a man and a woman.

Dougal: Ha, ha, ha! That's hilarious, Ted! Those Redemptorists really took me in!

Ted (slowly): It's not supposed to be funny, Dougal.

Gerry O'Connor

Mrs Doyle meets a Redemptorist (Gerry O'Connor) in a sacred place.

Jack (waking suddenly): FECK! DRINK! GIRLS!

Ted: Now, Father Jack, that's not appropriate language these days! What did I tell you to say?

Jack (puzzled): FECK! DRINK! GIRLS AND BOYS!

Ted: That's much better, Father. We don't want complaints about your being "exclusive".

Ecumenical matter

Fr Jack is given his voting instructions.

The telephone rings. Mrs Doyle answers it.

Mrs Doyle: It's Bishop Brennan, Father. I'll go and put the kettle on in case he wants some tea.

Fr Ted looks at her in puzzled way, but picks up the phone.

Brennan: CRILLY!

Ted: The money was just resting in my account, Bishop Brennan!

Brennan: Never mind that now, Crilly! How are you going to vote in this referendum?

Ted: Well, I thought, since Christ said marriage was between a man and a woman, I'd just vote No. But I'll pretend I voted Yes.

Brennan: Ted, you may vote according to your conscience, provided that you vote Yes. For if I catch you voting No, you'll end up in an even worse place than Craggy Island - I'll send you off to Ballydancer to work with Tony Flannery! The Church needs a Reality Check, Crilly!

The bishop slams down the receiver.

Diarmuid Martin

The Pope's report says we've failed our reality check, and we're not worth repairing.

Dougal: I heard all that, Ted. So, does that mean we're not going to be Catholics any more?


  1. Archbishop Martin, bishop McKeown and others made it clear they wanted a "Yes" vote for publicly institutionalised intrinsic evil, that they wanted people to commit a mortal sin by so voting. Clearly conveyed to all of the age of reason.

    1. Lynda, we know two things for a certainty after this catastrophe. Firstly, put not your trust in princes-of the Church or otherwise. Secondly, democracy is not a good idea. (And to think this is a humorous website).

  2. I don't remember feeling so upset at the state of Ireland than I do now.
    How long, O Lord, how long?

    1. There are no words for the spiritual trauma and grief the remnant here in Ireland is undergoing at the corruption of our beloved nation, and the Church in Ireland.

  3. Rather than a reality check, the Irish church needs a catholicity check...

    1. Archbishop needs to officially check out of his episcopate.

  4. I am really enjoying the demise of Novus Ordoism - every year since 1965 it has shown itself up for what it really is...................still not too sure yet but................