This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Relics of Diarmuid Martin go on display

Bishop Philip Egan of Portsmouth has confirmed that the relics which arrived at Southampton today pertain to Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin, and not, after all, to Blessed Louis and Zélie Martin, the parents of St Thérèse of Lisieux. Apparently, this was a "replacement item", delivered when the real relics were out of stock.

Diarmuid Martin

Archbishop Martin - his relics were delivered by mistake.

It is normally considered "bad form" to open the box and see what the relics actually consist of, but in this case an exception was made and it was discovered that what had been delivered was the lost backbone of Archbishop Martin. This was reported missing earlier today, when the good archbishop declared that, although he himself would vote against same-sex "marriage", he had no wish to stuff his religious views down other people’s throats. After all, it's not an archbishop's job to give moral leadership and guidance (ask Vincent Nichols!)

Bishop Egan has declared himself dissatisfied with the replacement item, feeling that the archbishop's spine is unlikely to be truly an object of veneration, nor indeed capable of working minor miracles.


Not a very sacred relic.

Meanwhile, other prominent Irish Catholics have entered the "same-sex marriage" debate, including the silenced Red Emptyhead, Tony Flummery. Faithful to the Vatican's command Pone soccum in eo, O Antoni ("put a sock in it, Tony"), Fr Flummery has maintained a dignified silence, talking only to the trees and his pet rat, O'Connor. However, lacking any concrete guidance from Archbishop Martin, a man whom he deeply reveres, it seems that Fr Flannery will probably vote "yes" in accordance with Enda Kenny's wishes.

Enda Kenny

"Another text from Satan. What can he want now?"

The confessions of Isobel Brownlie.

Finally, in Northern Ireland, a related issue is the great "gay cake " scandal, in which Judge Isobel "hash" Brownlie came up with a remarkable verdict. Apparently, the Christian-owned Asher's Bakery was obliged to bake a cake which simultaneously infringed the Sesame Street copyright on the puppets Bert and Ernie, promoted a political slogan demanding (illegal) same-sex marriage, and went against their own consciences. A triple whammy, there. Later, Isobel Brownlie was said to have had second thoughts - well, first thoughts, actually - about her verdict and despairingly echoed Pope Francis in saying "Who am I to judge?" Many readers of this blog will also ask themselves "Who is this idiot to judge?"

Judge Gavel Doozer

Judge Isobel Brownlie (or the nearest equivalent I could find).


  1. Damned dinosaur bakery just refused to bake me a cake saying, "God loves mammals." It's getting really savage out there.

  2. Archbishop Martin has never had a backbone while in Dublin but has continually colluded in this dishonest way with the agenda of the enemies of the Church and salvation of souls. He and all the bishops and priests ought to have informed the Catholic souls that it is a mortal sin to vote for the legalisation of grave intrinsic evil, which is necessarily a null and void law for being against the Natural Law and Divine Law, against truth and justice. There is no moral choice to vote to introduce an evil, tyrannical, absurd and invalid "law". He ought to have been removed from the episcopate and priesthood a long time ago.

  3. Again the Church is following in the footsteps of the Anglican community. Some years ago a former Archbish of Cant was approached by a delegation of senior British policemen. "We need someone to give a moral lead," [or words to that effect] they said. "What are you looking at me for?" he replied.

  4. I understand that cojones don't survive well in a reliquary unless pickled. Aside from backbone, he clearly hasn't a pair of those either.

  5. Spineless, cojoneless and gutless with poor eyesight! Wouldn't it just be kinder to err, you know ........, maybe end the misery? Perhaps when the Irish vote on that matter it might solve the Irish hierarchy's problems (will they be looking for volunteers to err, you know, help them on their way?)

  6. I was wondering about copyright as well. When Some years ago I went to ASDA for a birthday cake and produced a NASA photograph to be printed in icing, the first thing that the bakers wanted to know was about copyright. Also would it have been legal for the Ashers to add their own disclaimer to any slogan that the customer required, such as "The sentiments expressed herein are not necessarily in accord with the views of the producers of this cake"

  7. While the bishop of Portsmouth had eggon his face over this, it is self-evident that Vincent's role is worth neither nickels or dimes. In addition, Tony Flimflammery really had to work hard to hold his tongue.