This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday 15 January 2016

Are there really two popes?

In the Catholic Herald Damian Thompson has written an interesting piece about the relations between Popes Francis and Benedict. However, he has not really captured the essence of the question, so here is an improved version.

It is nearly three years ago that Pope Benedict shocked the world by his sudden resignation. Probably he believed that he was too infirm and unable to cope. Was it the daily texts from Robert Mickens asking "Aren't you dead yet?" or the fact that every time he met Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor he was given a selection of brochures for retirement homes? Or maybe it was just the regular phone calls from Cardinal Kasper saying "You, Mr Pope, have been specially selected to try out our new range of heresies"?

Whatever it was, Benedict decided to quit, and handed over to a little-known ex-bouncer, ex-chemist and Jesuit called Imbroglio (memo: check spelling), who took the title of Pope Francis the Humble. But then Benedict refused to go away: this was possibly because the Vatican had never thought of providing a pension scheme for retired popes, and so the ex-pontiff was forced to hang around, stealing food from the kitchens.

Francis and Benedict at prayer

"I wish he'd move along a bit."

Pope Francis found that, everywhere he went, Benedict was on his tail. His white cassocks were being borrowed by the former Pope - they needed cutting down to size, of course. In fact, the papal vestment issue was already a problem for Francis, after the day he caught Cardinal Vincent Nichols hiding in his wardrobe (Vin had been trying on Francis's spare cassock "just to see whether it would suit me"). Much more of this borrowing, and Francis would be forced to do his papal rounds dressed in jeans and an "I am the Pope" tee-shirt.

Pope Francis's sole victory was over the question of red shoes: luckily his feet are much larger than Benedict's so that the ex-pope has been unable to borrow the papal footwear without a grave danger of tripping over.

Francis, Benedict and a helicopter

"Don't worry, I'll take care of things while you're away, Francis."

Benedict continued to haunt the Vatican. He would get up early and grab the post, so that anything addressed to "The Holy Father" or "The Pope" that did not mention Francis by name would be taken. Pages would mysteriously disappear from Francis's latest encyclical Non salvati estis, ego solus salvatus sum ("You is not saved, only I is saved" in Francis's rather poor English); so that proposals to allow people to marry llamas, to canonize Pinocchio, and to project Reservoir Dogs onto St Peter's Basilica never saw the light of day.

Of course, having two Popes - one retired and one still employed - poses all sorts of constitutional questions. Are they both infallible? What happens if they say contradictory things infallibly? Who takes precedence? For example, should Pope Francis really have pushed his way through the Door of Mercy first, knocking Benedict to the ground?

Francis, Benedict and a picnic hamper

Who gets to feed the papal rabbit from now on?

It is known (to us insiders) that Benedict, as an art-lover and music-lover, is distinctly unimpressed by the Year of Mercy logo, and the Paul Inwood theme tune. It is said that he tore up the logo, and it was reassembled from the pieces (which is why one of the eyes in missing). Moreover, the Inwood score was also reconstructed (badly) from fragments found in the waste bin. Surprisingly, the jumbled version was considered to be an improvement.

Pope Francis is 79, and also in poor health. What will happen if he also decides to retire? Will Pope Nichols/Tagle/whoever gets the job be haunted by a duo of retired popes, pinching his favourite breakfast cereal and making faces at him in church? The prospect is daunting.

12 comments:

  1. Now I've stopped laughing - and it wasn't easy - I am pleased to see that the secret of what was in the white box has finally been solved. The mystery has been keeping me awake for a long time. It must have been a very large rabbit. And the explanation of the logo seems very feasible. I suppose the skis must have materialised from another design entirely.

    A pension scheme for retired popes sounds like a good idea. They could start paying in upon election and then when they retire they would have a PPP - Papal Pension Pot.

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  2. a vintage eccles post, most welcome on this bitter cold day when my corns are playing up! eott had a riff on this problem a while back - one picture they evoked still makes me laugh when I remember it: talking about the problems of accommodation for retired popes which are likely to arise if Francis follows Benedict's example, they said these would be compounded by both Francis and Benedict wanting the bottom bunk.

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  3. If Pope Francis does go early (so to speak), and becomes the second "Pope Emeritus", this begs the Liturgical Question of: "What is the correct Collective Term for a plethora of Popes Emerita ?"

    Would it, possibly, be "A Litany" ?

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  4. If there were three popes and the question of three contradictory fallible statements were made then there would need to be a voting as to which statement was made. Perhaps a TV public voting show called, say, "Pope Idol"?

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  5. Zephyrinus - surely a Plethora of Popes.

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    1. Perhaps a Plethora, or Panoply, of Popes, with Pontifical Mass in The Pantheon ? Possibly ?

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    2. Popular posts position in pole position, a Vat of Popes… as in: I can, if Vat i can.

      Corny I know, but better than a Weasel (‘Pope Goes the Weasel’) or a Crew (In Popeye the Sailor Man’ or indeed, over-Popeulated

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    3. Is it true that His Holiness The Pope's favourite tipple is "VAT 69" ?

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  6. Our catechism tells us that there is Faith, Pope and Charity. So, there can only be one.

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  7. By the way, it is actually a mobile of popes.

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    Replies
    1. If one is "Papabile", are two "Popemobile" ?

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  8. I think you'll find it's a sanctity of popes.

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