This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 4 October 2013

Satan "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis

Satan, the Dark Lord, has declared that he is "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis, and hopes to meet him one day.


Satan, as seen in The Bible.

Speaking from his home at the Black House, Satan explained: "I read in The Tablet (a very popular magazine down here, by the way) that Pope Francis had changed Catholic doctrine so that abortion, contraception, homosexuality, euthanasia and stealing priests' bicycles were now all encouraged. Moreover, my colleagues the Archdevil Barack and the Witch of Enda Life tell the same story. What's not to like?"

Obama as Satan

The Archdevil Barack, as seen in an Egyptian newspaper.

A Vatican spokesman was at pains to correct some of Satan's misapprehensions. "We're not exactly sure what Pope Francis said, or what he meant to say, but I am sure that there's been some misunderstanding somewhere," he said. "If the Pope wishes to turn to the dark side, then as a preliminary step he will probably take up liberation theology, join ACTA, and appoint Hans Küng as his special adviser. At the moment it's definitely business as usual."

Satan admitted that he might have made an error: "Perhaps after all the Tablet has got it wrong. It seems that this Pope is particularly keen on helping the poor and needy. I really can't support people who do that sort of thing. It's more than my job on the Brighton Argus is worth."

bicycle thieves

Pope Francis refuses to accept a stolen bicycle. So no change there.


  1. Darling eccles, but is phil impressed - or oppressed? Xx Jess

  2. So I see you've decided to write straight journalism now :)

  3. The Vatican is setting up a new professional cycling team for 2014 called the Ecclesiastical Pedal Ordinarium or EPO. They want to prove they are the cleanest team in the peloton and have arranged to have all their accessories laundered by The Vatican Bank.