This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Daily Mail does a hatchet job

Mesopotamia, 3980 B.C.

The entire population of the world (approximately 10) was horrified today when the Daily Mail published an article claiming that Mr Adam Milligan, father of the well-known farmers Cain Milligan and Abel Milligan, was really quite an evil person.

Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve "left little to the imagination" says Daily Mail.

Said Cain Milligan, currently Leader of the Opposition to God, "This slur on my father is disgraceful. All right, he and my mother did fraternise with a serpent, and eat forbidden fruit, but thirty years ago this was perfectly normal behaviour - everyone did it - and he was only a fellow-traveller rather than an out-and-out Satanist."

The Daily Mail, however, is sticking to its story, and has published follow-up articles, called, The man who fell in love with his own rib and Adam DID hate God.

apple eye-witness

An eye-witness interviewed by the Daily Mail.

Critics have pointed out that the Daily Mail also has a somewhat unsavoury history: for example, shortly before Satan was expelled from Heaven, it was publishing headlines such as THREE CHEERS FOR THE MAN WITH THE HORNS AND THE PITCHFORK and SATAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW TO GOD.

Nowadays, support for Satan is limited to occasional articles in papers with vanishingly small circulations, such as the Independent and Guardian.

The Daily Mail may, however, have the last word, as it challenged Cain Milligan to explain the mysterious absence of his brother Abel, who had been expected to take over the leadership of the labourers' party. Said Cain, "I'm afraid he decided to leave the family business and move to New York." Rumours are growing that Cain has actually killed Abel, but he was quick to deny them. Indeed, he produced this photograph which proved, he claimed, that his brother was alive and well, and had not been knifed in the back after all.

David Millibanana

A prosperous banana-farmer, possible Abel Milligan.


  1. The photo of David Miliband holding the banana with that silly grin just about sums up the silliness of all this

  2. In an earlier photo the banana was straight.

  3. Well, it might teach Cain Milligain to stop gossiping about David Camaroon's boyhood as a toff and an upper class twit.

  4. I ran that Mesopotamia story yesterday.

  5. Haha, definitely one of your best ones Eccles! I love that eye-witness apple.