This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Television news

Following ITV's attempt to revive its posh soap Downton Abbey by adding a gratuitous rape scene, the BBC has decided to spice up Songs of Praise.

rape of Tamar

The "new look" Songs of Praise.

Said a spokesman, "We have decided to make Songs of Praise more exciting for those who are not normally of a religious disposition; to do this we shall include scenes of violence in place of the bit where the presenter waffles on about how St Tharg's started up its Gay Grandmothers Support Group in 1662. Next week we shall re-enact the rape of Tamar by her brother Amnon, thus combining incest and rape in a tasteful and spiritually nourishing context."

The spokesman went on to point out that "Songs of Praise" is already regarded as a programme suitable only for those with strong stomachs. After all, it has been known to broadcast scenes of explicit "Walk in the Light", even before the 9 p.m. watershed.

Meanwhile, in other news, the BBC has announced the discovery in Arundel and Brighton of a large stock of previously-missing videotapes from its long-running series Bishop Who? It includes several adventures which some people thought had never even been made.

Venusian ju-jitsu

Bishop Who demonstrates Venusian ju-jitsu in The Rebels of Acta.

Many fans of Bishop Who will be glad to see The Rebels of Acta again. In this story Bishop Who confronts a bunch of renegade Catholics who have been attempting to change the course of history, and escapes from their clutches with some well-timed Venusian ju-jitsu.

There is also a sub-plot involving Bishop Who's conflict with a mysterious organization called Quest, which attempts to infiltrate the Empire of Arundel.

Blake's Heaven

Fr Blake and his helpers greet the Argoids of Brighton.

Another recovered story is the The Argoids of Brighton, in which Bishop Who courageously defends Fr Blake from the venomous attacks of a poisonous creature. This story later led to a spin-off series, called Blake's Heaven.


A group of time-lords, in ceremonial robes, swearing loyalty to President Francis.

In another once-lost adventure, Magisterium, Bishop Who travels to the Time-Lord Planet of Roma, in order to protect the sacred laws of Humanae Vitae from barbarian invaders wishing to change the sacred teachings on morality.

It is rumoured that further lost stories remain to be discovered, including one, The Bishop's Letter, in which Bishop Who decides that people will take him more seriously if he writes a blog. This plot device is, of course, well-known from Star Trek.

Captain's blog

Bishop Kirk dictates his own "Bishop's Blog".


  1. Brother Eccles, it is all very well to joke about these issues but ACTA and Quest must be purged. As Benedict XVI said before he became a much smaller Pope ... what we need is a smaller church. Ideally one where Catholic Arch-Bishops in Ireland tell all those a la carte Catholics who'd ancesters kept the faith alive during the Reformation to go away. What we need is the Church to get smaller. If it was really small then it would be brilliant. As Jesus said to the apostles "this 12 of you thing is great but I'd stand a much better chance of not being betrayed if I just did it all on my own. Let's start by getting rid of Judus." When the Church is just down to one person then and only then can it start to grow again. What we need for this to happen is for everyone to slag each other off in public all the time ideally as vituperatively as can be done without taking Our Lord's name in vain. When the Church is only one person there will be no disagrements whatsoever and no chances of heresy. There may be only one person to attend to 7.116 billion people's spiritual needs but the few individuals he'll get round to seeing will all have "quality time" and that's what's important, isn't it?

    1. That's good finkin, bruvver George, but didn't Jesus say how pleased he was dat dere was money-changers and sellers of pigoens and fings in de temple? It don't matter wot people does as long as dey turns up.

    2. That's the slippery slope to having tax collectors hanging out the tree, Eccles. Remember our lord was very picky who he invited to his gigs and went to great efforts to keep out the rif raf, children and those from heretical samaritan sects.

      It is only recently that the Samaritan/Jewish problem was finally solved by Jeremy Kyle. The all important DNA results show that 10 (83%) of Samartians had Y chromosomes belonging to haplogroup J, which includes three of the four Samaritan families. The Joshua-Marhiv family belongs to haplogroup J1, while the Danfi and Tsedakah families belong to haplogroup J2, and can be further distinguished by M67, the derived allele of which has been found in the Danfi family. The only Samaritan family not found in haplogroup J was the Cohen family (Tradition: Tribe of Levi) which was found in haplogroup E3b1a M78. Jesus could help his neighbour without doing any DNA tests like Kyle because he was the son of God and just like ...knew all this stuff, innit? For everyone else it is far more difficult.

      By the way I, Mr Anthony Miller, am Brother George Gissing too but I forget which pseudonym I am using from time to time. This one is to prevent me from being sued for libel by a local politician of mine who does not like it when I point out that being married to person A while engaged to person B and injuncting person C might be seen as a little irreligious ...even for more polygamist denominations. How confusing is religion. I am glad people like you and Denouncethem Nick are here to try help us make sense of it. I get very confused and sometimes sued and confused but I am offering it all up as white martyrdom

    3. Phew! that's a lot. What does it all mean?

  2. Drat, I was really hoping that one of the rediscovered stories would be Bishop Who and the Sanctimonious Little Prigs of Geneselfishon.

  3. Don't ever stop posting your great insights and analyses of contemporaneous events in the Church! We really need them. Thank you!!

  4. As we says he-ar in “N’Awlins” (New Orleans – the ‘Brighton’ of Loosiana - to y’all Nawth’ners):

    “Who Dat?”