This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Honecker College Students Union chooses its speakers

And now over to Honecker College, London, where the student union committee is going through the formal vetting procedure for its invited speakers.

Young Stalin

Humphrey Stalin-Jones, president of the Students Union.

Tamara Gaddafi-Smith (save-the-sardine awareness officer and LBGTWTF rights): So we're inviting Abu Hamza, Rosemary West, Kim Jong Un and Ed Miliband. All good solid Guardian-readers apparently. I can't see us having much trouble with them!

Claud Pol Pot-Johnson (support loyal Myanmar, troops out of Norfolk, and feminist goats liaison): No problem there. Also, I think Gerry Adams, Peter Tatchell, Stuart Hall, and Bashar al-Assad could be invited. I can't see any difficulties there.

Philippa Trotsky-Brown (gay hamster support and eat the Royal Family campaign): Stuart Hall? A better choice than Jimmy Savile. He was a Catholic, you know. Also could we invite Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter and the Dark Lord Sauron?

Hannibal Lecter

I would be delighted to visit your college. What's for dinner?

Claud: I'm not sure of their addresses, but their CVs look fine. I'll try and contact them. So there's just one more name on the list?

Tamara: Yes, one Peter D.C.X. Williams of Catholic Voices. Well, we can't have him, he hasn't gone through the correct procedures.

Philippa: Ah yes, Rule 94: the candidate must renounce God and declare unconditional support for gay sex. But there's not much chance of that, the word "Catholic" is rather a giveaway. REFUSED.

Peter Williams

What a terrifying person. No wonder he's banned.

Tamara: Funny you should say that, our next nominee is someone called Catherine Pepinster.

Omnes: No problem!


  1. Darling eccles, perhaps they can do wot we've just did and change the name of chaplaincy to 'multi-faith' centre, and refuse to open for morning and evening prayers, as students only need spiritaul nourshiment etween 10 and 4? xx Jess

  2. By "Stuart Hall", you mean the presenter of Jeux Sans Frontieres, rather than the exemplary academic of West Indian ancestry, with the misfortune to share his name - I presume.

    1. You got it. The one whose catchphrase was "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha".

  3. Dear Mate,

    I gather from your objections to the democratic process of the student union that you are a fascist, and from your obsessive comments about non-straight people and minority animals that you are homophobic and mammalist. Your passé imperialist dismissal of cannibalism does not accord with recent research into the nutritional benefits and balanced archetypal lifestyle of cannibals (including lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and vegetarian people tasters).

    Mate, your views are bollocks, which is not surprising as you are a Catholic and therefore a pervert.

    As the elected representative of this Yooni I hope you notice I have writted this letter in sentences and paragraphs, so it is obviously the right opinion becuse that is what my tutor told me, OK?

    Fr Humphrey de Montfort-Cheam S.J.

  4. Only fair the Lambs, Boars, Goats, Turkeys & Wildebeests for Truth and Freedom movement is represented.

  5. I would be delighted to visit your college. What's for dinner?

    Should that not be Who's for dinner? ???

    Kind regards
    John UK