This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 8 November 2012

Bloggers in spat over top Church job

Well-known bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were quarrelling today over which of them had first broken the news that the top Church job would go to Simon Peter, the former fish tycoon and graduate of the prestigious Galilee Fishing College.

Matthew the blogger

Matthew - his blog is read by millions.

"I was there first," claimed Matthew angrily. "As most people know, two names have to be submitted to Jesus, for Him to make the final decision. These names were Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot, and it was felt that Judas was not the person to bring the Church into the First Century, although he might be very influential in the Twenty-first. Mark and Luke, bloggers and journalists for the Synoptic Newspapers, got the story from my Twitter feed. And poor old John hasn't even reported the story yet - I think he can't believe he didn't get the top job himself!"

Being Archbishop of Galilee brings with it various privileges - for example, Peter is guaranteed canonization, and the keys to Heaven - but brings with it the dangers of martyrdom, especially if (as seems probable) the see is moved to Rome.

St Peter gets the keys

"So the big key opens the Gates of Heaven, and the small one opens the Saints' washroom?"

Mark, of the Synoptic Times, and Luke, of the Synoptic Telegraph, were angrily maintaining today that they were the ones with the scoop. "Matthew even got the facts wrong about President Herod's re-election," they sneered. "He was tipping the other candidate, Romani."

Over at the Galilee Tablet, Catherine Philistia was angrily complaining that Christ needed to move into the First Century and appoint a woman to head His Church. "I've got a friend called Tina Beelzebub who would be perfect at the job," she insisted. "We know who's really backing Christ - it's an old Man living far away with His head in the clouds!"

St John has a scoop

John - with a scoop of his own.

5 comments:

  1. Darling eccles, surprising that Mark did't make any comments about matthew's weight and hair style.

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    1. Yup, de apocrpyhal gospel of St Damain was rejected by the Bibble editors for bein too borin.

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    2. There were lots of interesting bits in the Gospel of Damian, I thought. Take the parable of the fat pharisee and the cinnabons. Or the psalms of Saints Hilda and Evadne. Of course, his speculation about the election of Chief Priest failed to spot that Caiaphas would get it, but his gossip about the chances of Joseph of Arimathea, Barrabas, and Zacheus made for entertaining reading. It was also fascinating to learn that Pontius Pilate wore a wig, and his exclusive on the political bias in Virgil's reportage of the Trojan War was gripping.

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  2. Unfortunately, publication of all the Gospels had to be delayed until Herod and Pontius Pilate were dead and no longer able to sue for libel. On the plus side, the ensuing scandal led to the early departure of several roman emperors who had to fall on their swords or eat poisoned mushrooms.

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    Replies
    1. Dat's so, Jaddis, but it's a little-known fact dat even if de book accounts was published later, dere was blogg versoins soon after de events.

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