This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

English Archbishops get tough

"Go ahead, make my day, Cameron."

In a sudden change of direction, Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Peter Smith, previously regarded as lovable fluffy bunnies who wouldn't say "Boo!" to a goose, have turned on David Cameron and told him in no uncertain terms where to stick his proposals for same-sex marriage.

scared goose

A goose, one of many in fear of an archiepiscopal booing.

It is believed that the terrible two, "Dirty Vinny" and "Rambo Pete" have been watching their opposite numbers in Scotland, and decided to emulate them. The trigger was perhaps the carefully-written statement from "Big Joe" Devine, the "Mr Big" of Motherwell, which said, "Watch yer step, Cameron, ur I'll be givin' ye a Glasgae kiss, Jimmy, d'ye ken?"

Big Joe

Don't cross Big Joe Devine.

It has also been speculated that the sudden vehemence shown by the London archbishops is partly due to a change of diet. Instead of their traditional London fare of jellied eels, or pie and mash, the two bishops have been seen partaking of a nourishing meal of haggis O'Brien with neeps Tartaglia, washed down with Glen Toal whisky.


Other Catholic Bishops are preparing to enter the debate.

The results of the 2011 census are now being released. The percentage of Anglican clergy believing in God is reported to be 20% (down 10% from 2001). On the other hand, the percentage of atheists believing in Richard Dawkins is a mere 5% (no change there, then).

Angry Dawkins

What's happened to all my worshippers?


  1. If only our bishops did something, anything!

  2. I am bowled over by the aggressive posture of the Archbishops. They ‘strongly oppose” the government moves. The process was “shambolic”. That’s telling them!

    The faithful are urged to make their views known to their MP’s “calmly and forcefully”.

    Hmmm. Now, how would that play out?

    “Mr./Ms. MP, I calmly urge you to oppose this! Actually I REALLY calmly urge you to oppose this..!! Okay, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY calmly urge you to oppose this…!!!”

    "Okay, Archbishops…? And you’re right behind me, right? Archbishops, you are REALLY right behind me, right…? Archbishops…"

    "Where’d they go…?"

  3. Darling eccles, do you think they will follow up this very cross letter with a raspberry? Xx Jess