Religious news items

The third Pope?

To everyone's disappointment, it seems that the "third Pope" in the picture published by the Sun newspaper is not, after all, Pope Francis.

Clearly the picture shows Pope John-Paul II and a future Pope Benedict XVI, but the very spiritual-looking cardinal in the middle has so far been unidentified. It is thought that he may be even have been a Telegraph journalist who gatecrashed the meeting in disguise.

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Pope Francis likes gerunds.

The gerund - shunned by Pope Benedict XVI.

Meanwhile, Latin scholars are ecstatic because the motto of Pope Francis, Miserando atque Eligendo, contains no less than two gerunds (verbal nouns). This is in strict contrast to the mottoes of Popes Benedict XVI (Cooperatores veritatis) and John-Paul II (Totus Tuus), who restricted themselves to elementary grammatical constructions.

Our detailed researches (5 minutes with Wikipedia) reveal that there have been no papal gerunds since mottoes were introduced by Pope Pius X, although Pope Benedict XV was widely praised for using a passive subjunctive verb in his In Te Domine Speravi, Non Confondar In Aeternum.

So far it is too early to tell whether Pope Francis is intending to make gerunds a regular feature of his future encyclicals, but Vatican-watchers are hastily buying up all copies of Kennedy's classic text, just in case.

Kennedy's classic text (two editions are available).

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Meanwhile, over the the Church of England...

Knock knock! Who's there? I'm Justin. I know you're just in, but who are you?

This week also saw Justin Welby's enthronement as Archbishop of Canterbury. Although he could not expect leading religious figures such as Robert Mugabe or Joe Biden to attend, since their place was in Rome, Archbishop Welby also enjoyed a most impressive service.

Ha ha ha, no, we're still against abortion and same-sex marriage, Mr Biden.

In his homily, Archbishop Welby was careful to avoid all controversial topics such as religion, good and evil, etc., instead focussing on some of the other riches associated with the Church of England.

Liturgical dancing from the Little Sisters of the National Health Service.

Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth, as Supreme Governor of the Church of England, naturally had an important role to play in the service, as she parachuted down to Canterbury Cathedral.

"At least Rowan Williams allowed me to arrive by car."

I gets a Lobster award

Dis probabbly aint as spiritaully nuorishin as my usual posts, but Bruvver Ben Trovato has given me a lobster award, wot is sposed to help poeple wiv bloggs wot noboddy reads. Thanks, Ben.

A lobster.

O.K. Let's follow de instructoins.

1. Post the Liebster award graphic on your site.

2. Thank the blogger who nominated the blog for a Liebster Award and link back to their blog. Done that.

3. The blogger then writes 11 facts about himself or herself so people who discover his or her blog through the Liebster post will learn more about him or her.

(i) I is probabbly a saved pusson.
(ii) Bosco is my big bruvver, but he's a little crazy.
(iii) Anti Moly is my grate-ant from Austriala, and is very crazy.
(iv) I lives in Notting Hell.
(v) I writes a spiritaully nuorishin blogg, but poeple 
keeps findin jokes in it.
(vi) All my jokes is stolen.
(vii) I has got a secret crush on Tina Beattie.
(viii) I changes my socks once a month, whether I needs to or not.

De socks of a saved pusson.

(ix) My Latin aint bad, but my English sometimes has sutble erorrs.
(x) I has got a secretary called Ecclesiam wot corrects my 
spellin sometimes.
(xi) Richard Dakwins asked me to be his spiritaul director.

4. In addition to posting 11 fun facts about themselves, nominated bloggers should also answer the 11 questions from the post of the person who nominated them.

(i) What inspired the title of your blog? 
Being told by Bosco dat he was a saved pusson.
(ii) Why should people read your blog? 
Spiritaul nuorishment.
(iii) What is your personal favourite post on your blog? 
Of recent ones, I've got a little list aint bad.
(iv) What has been the most popular (most viewed) post on your blog? 
Not sure why, but Zany New BBC Comedies has had about 4,500 hits.
(v) Which post on your blog has attracted most comments? 
I don't get many comments, but Rent-a-troll has got 51 so far.
(vi) What other hobbies or interests (beyond blogging) are you 
prepared to admit to?
Being saved, taking baths, eating pizzas.
(vii) What are your hopes for the new pontificate? 
Dat's too profuond for me.
(viii) Where is your favourite place of pilgrimage, and why? 
St Pancras statoin, cos I likes it.

A sacred place.

(ix) Who is your favourite spiritual author, and why? 
Damain Thopmson, cos he knows all about custard.
(x) Which of these questions did you find it most difficult 
to answer? 
Number (iii) cos on second thuoghts I prefers anuvver one.
(xi) Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the 
Communist Party? 
Nope, but I once voted for de loonies.

5. The nominated blogger will in turn, nominate 9 other blogs with 200 or less followers for a Liebster award by posting a comment on their blog and linking back to the Liebster post. Well, some has probbably been done alreddy, and some may have more than 200, but how about:

Costing not less than everything, 
All along the watchtower, 
Brother Lapin's pilgrimage,
Ragazzagallese,
Sky-fairy myth believing cretins,
The path less taken,
Whistling sentinel,
Bara Brith,
One more to be chosen (currently Sede vacante).

6. The nominated blogger will create 11 questions for his or her nominated blogs to answer in their Liebster post.

(i) Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
(ii) How many roads must a man walk down?
(iii) How long is a piece of string? 
(iv) Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? 
(v) Why did the chicken cross the road? 
(vi) Who is the fairest of them all? 
(vii) What shall we do with the drunken sailor? 

A difficult question to answer.

(viii) To be or not to be? 
(ix) How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck 
could chuck wood?
(x) Where did you get that hat?
(xi) What's in a name?

Pope Francis

Pope Francis is delighted with his new vestments.

Thanks to my close sources in the Vatican (© Damian Thompson) I can exclusively reveal that the college of cardinals has elected a new pope, Cardinal Belgrano of Argentina, who has taken the title Pope Francis.

Purple smoke from the Sistine Chapel: "we have elected a chemist."

Pope Francis trained as a chemist before entering the Church, and even now he is fond of making "holy smoke."

A young Fr Belgrano (R) tries to interest Hans Küng (L) in the delights of chemistry.

Menawhile, Richard Dawkins is very impressed that the new head of the Catholic church is a scientist of greater distinction than he is, and it is said that he is thinking of becoming a Catholic himself.

"Does anyone know how these rosary beads work?"

Little is known about Pope Francis except that he likes riding on buses; it is thought that his first encyclical may be an appeal for universal joy, called Laugh with everyone - or, in Latin, Omnibus Ride.

The new Popemobile.

No previous Pope has been called "Francis," and it is thought that by this choice of name the Holy Father is sending out signals about the style of papacy he intends. One possibility is that he may have chosen to be named after St Francis Sinatra.

I did it my way.

However, it may be that instead he had St Francis Howerd in mind.

Titter ye not!

Meanwhile, the BBC is trying to get to grips with the idea of a new Pope, and of course to present him in the worst possible light. When he was first shown to the crowds in St Peter's Square on Wednesday, Pope Francis took the unusual step of praying the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," prayers unknown to the BBC commentators.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor and Ed "Stewpot" Stourton discuss the use of obsolete prayers.

As a faithful Tabletista, Ed Stourton explained that "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," are traddy prayers, not suitable for the modern Catholic church. Indeed, as Catherine Pepinster will confirm, they are explicitly against the Spirit of Vatican II.

The Tablet - now preparing a hatchet job on Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, Alan Garbager of the Godruin newspaper was initially wrong-footed by the election of a Pope much more socially aware than the average leftie Godruin-reader. He was also shocked to discover that the new pontiff is an orthodox Catholic and none too keen on abortion, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or the ordination of women - activities which bring pleasure to so many people. Hence Garbager has been devoting his energies to character assassination. A few years ago he convinced Godruin-readers that Pope Benedict XVI - as a German - was certainly a Nazi war-criminal and a close personal friend of Hitler; moreover, it was claimed that in his spare time he used to pull the wings off insects.

A disciple of Pope Benedict prepares to pull the wings off an insect.

Garbager has now turned his attention to Pope Francis who - as an Argentine - is automatically assumed to have been a war-criminal and close personal friend of General Galtieri; it is said that in his spare time he pulls the ears off woolly lambs.

Argentine troops, under the direct command of Pope Francis, prepare to invade the Falklands and pull the ears off all the woolly lambs they find.

Well, that's all for now, but do spare a thought for St Malachy, who put his shirt on Cardinal Peter Turkson for Pope and lost everything.

"Eccles! How nice to see you!"

We interview Cardinal Baloney

Our honoured guest - a man of vision.

Eccles: So, your Eminence, you managed to get to the conclave after all, eh? Would that make you the only Cardinal present who has been officially forbidden from exercising episcopal functions?

Baloney: Yes, I contacted the Guinness Book of Records hoping for the most unsuitable papal elector award, but apparently there was a medieval Cardinal Mandelson of Basingstoke who was even nastier. At least nobody has yet accused me of cannibalism!

E: What do you think history will remember you for? Apart from the brilliant way you covered up the scandals in your diocese?

B: Probably my contribution to our heritage of beautiful cathedrals, Eccles.

Si monumentum requiris, circumspice.

E: Quite so. A totally unattractive waste of money. And the cathedral isn't much better. Now tell us about your reactions to the election of Pope Francis.

B: For me, the most encouraging sign was his humility. He has rejected the papal red shoes, you know.

E: Wasn't that because they couldn't find any to fit him at short notice? Apparently, Pope Francis has the largest feet of any pope since St Telesphorus in the 2nd century A.D.

Owing to a confusion between centimetres and metres, the Pope was supplied with red shoes of the wrong size.

B: No, no, Eccles. Rejecting red shoes is a sign of humility, I pray that he keeps the black ones as a sign for us all.

E: Go on, then.

B: O Lord, bless Thy servant Francis (whom Thou wilt have seen on television this week unless Thou wast watching Cormac Relief instead), and grant that his shoes may never turn red. Amen.

E: Apparently he rejected the traditional Mozzarella as well. Now, do you see any other changes, your Eminence?

B: Well, I personally hope that Pope Francis will take a tough line on sexually-offending priests. I mean, we can't just move them to other parishes, as some now-disgraced bishops did in the 1980s. Well we can, but we can't get away with it so easily.

E: Quite so. Anything else?

B: Some wicked people have been criticising me, you know. It really must stop. I am a man incapable of sin: when I go to Confession and the priest asks me what I've done, I say "Nothing!" Think of me as being on the side of the angels.

Roller-skating angels come to Mass to show support for Cardinal Baloney.

E: Cardinal Baloney, thank you very much.

David Starkey - "irredeemably stupid"

David Starkey with Gnasher, his guide dog for the hard of thinking.

Pope Francis has lost no time in reacting to David Starkey's recent intemperate comments about the Catholic church; he took time off from his busy schedule today to point out that Starkey was an "irredeemably stupid" man. Speaking in theological terms, Pope Francis pointed out that Jesus came to redeem sinners, but nowhere is it recorded that He healed the arrogant, the pompous and the very stupid. "Sorry about that, David!" he quipped, before jumping onto a bus.

Sir David de Starke-Ravinmad slays Thomas Becket.

David Starkey, who was believed to be out of his mind at the time, had said "I want to declare that Thomas Becket is the patron saint of child abusers." However, Mrs Duffy, a teacher of history and moral philosophy at a local primary school, gently pointed out to him that child abusers did not deserve a patron saint, and that Thomas Becket was never even associated with this crime. However, Starkey replied, "I'll say what I want if it gives me publicity. Poo poo poo!"

Laurie Penny (Penny Red) has also criticised Starkey in the past.

Starkey is no stranger to controversy (for example, he has been accused by Laurie Penny of "playing xenophobia and national prejudice for laughs"). In fact what he is really a stranger to is acting like a normal decent and polite adult, rather than the sort of gibbering idiot who comes and sits next to you on a bus. Woeful.

David Starkey, as a young boy, with Gnasher.

Who is papabile?

Since today sees my last chance to post before the election of a new Pope, here is an assortment of cardinals who may be considered "papabile."

Two cardinals (L) and two traffic cones (R).

The first hurdle the electors will have to overcome is to avoid electing a traffic cone by mistake, even though they strongly resemble cardinals (see above). As anyone who has ever wandered round a school, university or shopping mall will testify, traffic cones are to be seen in the most unlikely places; so there will probably be several lying around the Sistine Chapel. However, no traffic cone has ever been elected Pope - the story of Pope Cone is simply a medieval legend.

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Cardinal Turkson assures Chris Huhne that Jesus will bear his speeding points as well as his sins.

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An alternative to Cardinal Turkson is Cardinal Dolan, the laughing cardinal (H/T Mundabor).

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I know a fat old card'nal, he's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat
He's too kind for a cardinal, he's never known to frown,
And everybody says he is the happiest man in town.

CHORUS: A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

He laughs upon confessions, he laughs when saying prayers,
He laughs at every passer-by who simply stops and stares.
He never can stop laughing, he says he never tried
But once he exorcised a man, and laughed until he cried.

CHORUS.

So if you chance to meet him, processing down the aisle,
Just kiss him on his fat old hand and give him a big smile:
His eyes will beam and sparkle, he'll gurgle with delight,
And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might.

CHORUS.

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Say the black, do the red - Cardinal Zuhlsdorf's coat of arms.

The great Fr Z. is already in Rome, just in case the call comes; however, so far he hasn't found a Latin-speaking taxi-driver to take him to the Vatican. Fr Z. has already updated his coat of arms in anticipation of being made a cardinal, but will he make it to Pope as well? Frankly, this may be something of an outside shot, but an armed Pope-blogger who knows where to get good coffee may be just what the Catholic church needs at this time.

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Even more of an outside shot is Keith O'Brien.

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We should not forget Cardinal Ouellet, who has been adopted by Eccles. Unfortunately, he has returned most of Eccles's generous gifts - spare socks, tins of baked beans, and CDs of the Goon Show - but, since it rains a lot in Rome, he has kept the umbrella and the Ouellet boots (geddit?)

It raineth upon the just and the unjust. (Matthew 5:45)

Admittedly, he has slipped from 8-1 to 10-1 odds since Eccles took up his cause.

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There are several other cardinals in the running, mostly with Italian names, such as Scola, Bertone, Odone, Ravioli, etc., but the one with the strongest chances is surely Cardinal Furretti (H/T Sister Fortis of Blogfen).

Cardinal Furretti, putting the "cat" in "Catholic."

Like traffic cones, cats get everywhere, and this one should have no trouble entering the Sistine Chapel through the cat-flap (preferably not carrying a dead mouse). If elected, will take the title of Pope Felix V.

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In fact there has been a certain amount in the news about people attempting to gatecrash the conclave by dressing up as cardinals. Some of the following are probably not genuine cardinals - in any case, they should not be elected Pope.

Conrad Black.

Michael Palin.

Some of the cardinals are considered to be too young to be papabile this time.

Finally, if the Catholic Church is looking for a saved Pope, with his own blog, read by at least three people every week, then a certain newly-arrived Cardinal may still be in with good chances.

Vote for Cardinal Eccles!

Clash of the Titans.

Yes, already they're calling it the Debate of the Century. Peter Hitchens and Damian Thompson, acknowledged experts on addiction, discuss the question: Whose book is better?

Peter Hitchens prepares to confront Damian Thompson.

For those who don't have time to listen to the Spectator podcast, we present a transcript of the debate between the two greatest intellectuals of our day.

DT: Well, I should point out straight away that I'm an expert on addiction, as I've written a best-selling book on the subject. I don't normally plug it, but it's called The Fix.

PH: I've written a best-selling book too. It's called The War We Never Fought: The British Establishment's Surrender to Drugs.

DT: Well, my book's better than your book. My friend Cristina says so.

PH: No, my book's better than your book. You see, I claim that addiction doesn't even exist.

DT: What? How dare you say that! I hate you!

Damian Thompson, modelling the new Michael Voris wig.

PH: Well, I'm sorry, but any addicts you see are purely a figment of your imagination.

DT: Look here, mate. Your brother Christopher may have been a lunatic left-wing atheist, but he was still much cleverer than you.

PH: Well, your sister Emma may be a lunatic left-wing atheist, but she's still much cleverer than you.

Emma Thompson expresses concerns over her brother Damian's latest meltdown.

DT: I'll get you for that. Wait until I write my Saturday column.

PH: Look, calm down, Damian. And please stop throwing cupcakes at me.

DT: I'll ruin you, as I did Johann Hari, David Cameron, and Keith O'Brien. Nobody will take you seriously again.

(Storms out, slams the door, and knocks over two secretaries, a security guard and a passing Monsignor. Returns to Telegraph Towers to launch a barrage of Twitter abuse and hostile blog posts. Phones Telegraph hit man and orders him to pour custard through Peter Hitchens's letter box.)

Preparing to fill Peter Hitchens's house full of custard.

PH: Sigh... it looks as though I'm not going to get that job on Telegraph blogs, after all.