The last 8 royal saints

The results of the final rounds of the World Cup of Royal Saints will be posted here as we have them.

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Quarter-finals, starting on July 11th.

Elizabeth of Hungary 61.1 v Charlemagne 38.9

A surprisingly easy win for the Hungarian nurse, putting to flight the mighty emperor.

St Margaret of Scotland 48.3 v Stephen I of Hungary 51.7

Well, the Hungarians are walking away with this, but at least this one was very close.

Jadwiga of Poland 64.5 v Charles (Karl) I of Austria 35.5

The Poles managed to drum up a massive support for the lesser-known Jadwiga. Will she go all the way?

Louis IX of France 52.3 v Edward the Confessor 47.7

Another close round, and the plucky English boy goes out.

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Semi-finals, starting on July 19th.

Elizabeth of Hungary 51.7 v Louis IX of France 48.3

By a very narrow margin the Hungarian girl casts down French hopes of a victory for "les bleus".

Stephen I of Hungary 35.6 v Jadwiga of Poland 64.4

The Poles continue to muster their army of supporters, and Stephen is swept away.

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Third place playoff.

Louis IX of France 46.4 v Stephen I of Hungary 53.6

Big Steve takes the BRONZE.

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FINAL

Elizabeth of Hungary 24.3 v Jadwiga of Poland 75.7

The Polish army sweeps the board. GOLD for Jad, and SILVER for Liz.

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Details of the last eight.

Elizabeth of Hungary. C13 princess, saint.

St Margaret of Scotland. C11 queen, saint.

Jadwiga of Poland. C14 monarch, saint.

Louis IX of France. C13 king, saint.

Edward the Confessor. C11 English king, saint.

Charles (Karl) I of Austria. C19/20 emperor, blessed.

Stephen I of Hungary. C10/11 king, saint.

Charlemagne. C8/9 emperor, beatified.

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition! Our main weapon is kissing... kissing and healing... two main weapons. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three main weapons. Oh, and adultery. I'll come in again.

You are charged with the crime of quoting Monty Python yet again.

Consider this post as another item in our long-running series "How to be a good pope" - designed for those who went to a conclave and were elected to the top job by an overwhelming 120 votes (this slightly surprised you, as there were only 115 cardinal-electors, but then your mates in the St Gallstone Mafia weren't taking any chances!)

Remember the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition? Well, it's now called the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith, which doesn't sound nearly as impressive. And it needs a new boss. The first chap to run the show was Antonio Ghislieri, who later became Pope Pius V and a saint, so you must be very careful to choose a successor of equal merit.

St Pius V - not known for writing books about kissing.

Anyway, you seem to have found the ideal candidate. You already have a track record of brilliant appointments to dicasteries - the Catholic World is lost in wonder at the exploits of Arthur "Two-dinners" Rogue in the Divine Worship office - and your old pal Archbishop Victor, alias "Touchy-feely", looks like a worthy successor to Pope St Pius V.

A quick look at his CV shows that he wrote a book called Kiss me quick, baby. A guide to healing. We're hoping that this will be made into a blockbuster film, with Austen Ivereigh in the role of the great healer. Moreover, Touch-feely helped ghost-write your own bestselling Amorous Letitia, the story of a libertine who was welcomed back into the church and (I never got that far, but I'm guessing) ended up as a Jesuit priest. This sort of thing is guaranteed to annoy the rigid backwardist indietrists who are making life so difficult for you.

Now, Touchy-Feely, how do you plan to "sex up" Catholic teaching?

Good. You've made another brilliant appointment. Box ticked.

What's next on the agenda? Oh yes, sending the boys round to beat up Bishop Strickland, who's been stepping out of line by giving a moral lead. No problem...

The synod of bishops will welcome (nearly) everyone

It's the day the whole Catholic Church has been waiting for: the Instrumentum Laboris for the forthcoming Synod of Synodal Bishops on Synodality (sponsored by Bud Light) is released. This is the result of lengthy discussions and the use of sophisticated AI (so NOT Austen Ivereigh), and the common theme is ALL ARE WELCOME.

As Cardinal Jean-Claude Hollerich points out, we need to welcome persistent adulterers, LGBTQSJ+- people, and even the bigamists! They may receive communion - indeed, why not let them act as Extraordinary Monsters of Holy Communion?

The Hell Choir (anag., 9 letters) is singing!

We must also welcome female deacons, and this includes transgender deacons and those who self-identify as cats. Give them a friendly stroke (the cats, that is) and a saucer of milk! Welcome any dead mice they have brought in to Mass!

But this is only half the story. Following representations from Pope Francis's best mates, we shall now be pleased to encourage:

* Abortionists,
* Child abusers,
* Rapists,
* Embezzlers, and of course
* Idol-worshippers.

I think this includes most of Francis's bosom pals. Hi, Emma, Marko, Gustavo, Giovanni, and the Pachamama club!

From the Austen Ivereigh Art Collection: we welcome the drunk addicted to custard pies!

Of course there are some classes of people that cannot POSSIBLY be welcomed. Anyone who wants to celebrate the traditional Latin Mass... anyone who asks embarrassing questions about Amoris Laetitia (bye, bye, Burke!)... all indietrists, backwardists, self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians, faithful Catholics, ...

I hope the bishops have got the message now.

Late news. There is one category of Francis mates that we forgot to mention. And, for once, there is a Biblical justification to it, since Christ told us to feed the hungry. Yes, here we are!

We welcome the gluttons!

A guide to Reformation Architecture

Many people travelling round Britain have visited architectural wonders such as Fountains Abbey, Rievaulx Abbey, Byland Abbey... oh, there are too many to list separately. The Tudor Reformation style of architecture is very distinctive - it is generally very minimalist with no roof, no walls, no doors, no windows, etc. Or at least very few.

Whitby Abbey, designed by Henry VIII.

The problem with medieval abbeys - prior to the 1530s - was that they were ugly, cumbersome things, which contributed to Climate Change. Henry VIII was very aware of this problem, "We shall all be dead by 1547!" he said, and his case he was quite correct. So an emergency "Net Zero" campaign was launched, led by his third wife, Queen Greta, Duchess of Thunberg.

Tintern Abbey - note the well-ventilated, low-carbon construction.

Carbon emissions were reduced to zero, as there were no longer any fires. Unnecessary architectural features such as walls were removed. The only heating allowed was by windmills and solar panels; however, since nobody really understood electricity in those days, the monks found the new eco-abbeys very cold in winter, despite the fearsome global warming that was going on around them, and they all left.

Bolton Abbey - a hybrid construction.

People still visit these abbeys, although they are mostly uninhabited these days. Will we start to see similar eco-measures in secular buildings? Offices and schools without windows, walls, doors, and roofs? We can learn from the Reformation!

(Is this OK, Greta? I haven't checked all the details. Eccles.)

The World Cup of Royal Saints - nominations please

As promised several weeks ago, I'm going to run a World Cup of Royal Saints using Twitter polls (as long as Uncle Elon lets me). All the people I have thought of so far are listed in Wikipedia in the rather loose category Roman Catholic royal saints, which includes "mere" Blesseds as well. You are welcome to suggest others in that category, but also some who are not listed there if some other Christian church regards them as saintly (the umpire's decision on royalty and saintlihood is final). Nominate by replying either on Twitter or to this blog.

So far we have the following (to give them their Wikipedia descriptions):

Charlemagne
Charles I of Austria
Clotilde
Edmund the Martyr
Edward the Confessor
Edward the Martyr
Elizabeth of Hungary
Henry II, Holy Roman Emperor
Isabella I of Castile
Louis IV of Thuringia
Louis IX of France
St Margaret of Scotland
Stephen I of Hungary
Wenceslaus I

Once we have enough (again, the umpire's decision is final), we'll start the World Cup. As usual you may vote using any criterion you wish - saintliness, beauty, what will most annoy me, etc.

So let's finish with four photos chosen completely at random from the starters. They are, in order, Isabella I of Castille, Clotilde, Edward the Confessor, and Stephen I of Hungary.

Finally, please don't nominate people who you think should be regarded as saints but aren't officially venerable/blessed/saints.

It's WRATH Pride!

We are absolutely FURIOUS that governments, businesses, and even churches are ignoring WRATH PRIDE!

Other deadly sins get their month of glory - we see the rainbow flags of LUST PRIDE (usually abbreviated to PRIDE), and we would see the flags of SLOTH PRIDE if they had bothered to design one, but oh no, WRATH PRIDE isn't good enough to be recognised!

A post-Vatican II WRATH MASS.

Celebrating WRATH MONTH is very easy. Unlike LUST MONTH you don't have to take you clothes off, and unlike SLOTH MONTH you don't have to turn over in bed and say "Leave me alone." No, all we are asking government, businesses, churches etc. to do is what is very natural, and which many do already - be rude to those you serve.

The provisional WRATH PRIDE flag.

Roger Hargreaves has kindly designed a WRATH PRIDE Flag for us - the alternative was simply to use a red rag, known to enrage bulls, but this would have been harder to recognise. We want to COME OUT and show our ANGER to the WORLD!

Batley Townswomen's Guild hold a WRATH party in honour of their most famous son, Arthur Roche.

Some bigoted people condemn us, saying that WRATH is a sin, but how can it be if so many people enjoy it? "Love thy neighbour" is all very well, but "Scream at thy neighbour" comes much more naturally to many of us. So let's celebrate it! STAMP OUT WRATHPHOBIA! With both feet if necessary!

See? Pope Francis is backing us!

Well, that's all I have to say on the matter, you tedious boring blog-readers. You make me SICK! And I hope I make you SICK too!

Indietrists told to "take a hike"

Following the recommendations from Pope Francis and Arthur Roche that pre-2013 Catholics ("indietrists", "backwardists", "rigidists", etc.) should "go away", "take a hike", and "push off", sixteen thousand of them have taken this advice literally and disappeared into the French countryside between Paris and Chartres.

"The Pope told us to 'get lost' and I'm really not sure where we are now."

Although the journey of the 16,000 is decribed as a "pilgrimage", Pope Francis is not fooled. "When I make a pigrimage, I sit in a comfortable jet with a hundred journalists and invent some new Catholic doctrine," he explained. "I certainly don't go wandering in the wilderness."

Meanwhile, the fact that his own diocese includes England's prime destination for a pilgrimage has not missed the attention of Bishop "Comedy Teeth" Collins of East Anglia, who has decreed that the TLM will no longer be allowed at the shrine. The words of another bishop: "it's important that I try to be a father to everyone in my diocese" clearly don't apply here. In fact, following his Jane Austen namesake, Collins prefers a world of Pride and Prejudice.

"I can't wait to get my teeth into Traditionis Custodes!"

Now it would be extremely childish to use the dentally-challenged bishop's appearance as a way of mocking him, but, on the other hand, at least five people have sent me versions of the following photo (Collins as a young man) so who am I to refrain?

"There's two things that I really abhor - religious intolerance and those flaming Traddies!"

Meanwhile, the late news is that the missing 16,000 have resurfaced somewhere near Chartres, much to the disgust of Pope Francis and Arthur Roche. How do we finish this article, then? With another cheap laugh about Arthur Roche's love of cake, or another one at the expense of the bullying bishop? Oh all right...

"Well done, Bishop Collins, and your reward is a new pair of false teeth."

New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.

Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.

Rochie-the-Pooh

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

Rochie-the-Pooh, a bear of very little brain, lived in the Hundred Acre Wood under the name of Arthur.

Living under the name of Arthur.

One day he was feeling very hungry, and he said to himself "I think I'll go and see my little friend Austen Pigleteigh. Maybe he will have some cake for me." As he walked along the path, Pooh hummed to himself.

Now, please make no mistake, 
A cardinal likes cake!
You think that I should diet?
Only an indietrist would try it!

"But what if little Piglet doesn't have any cake?" asked Pooh. "Should I go and see my friend the wise owl MASSIWOL instead? No, he has taken up theology now, and he won't listen to me if I hint that it's time for a little something. Or rather, a big something would be better..."

Massiwol reveals the true meaning of Vatican II to a fascinated Rochie-the-Pooh.

"Perhaps I should have gone to see Christo Ber Goglin," said Pooh. " "He's not very busy today, just doing an audience. Of course I could telephone him first and ask him if he has any cake - he won't mind being interrupted. No, it had better be Piglet."

In the most depressing part of the forest, the WherePachaIs bog, lived Mike Eeyore, the donkey. Pooh's journey took him past the wreck that Eeyore called home. "Hullo, Eeyore!" he said. "What a lovely morning for eating cake!"

"Is it a lovely morning?" replied Eeyore gloomily. "Nobody told me. Even Christo Ber Goglin, who is knows everything, hasn't told me what I should think about the weather today. It's so depressing."

Taylor Marshall to stand for Pope?

Following the declaration of his candidature for President of the United States, Dr Taylor Marshall, the author, podcaster, Youtuber, and father of 27 children, has declared himself "ready to stand" in the 2032 papal conclave.

At least one of these is our future Pope!

"After two terms as President, I shall be looking for a new venture," explained the author, podcaster, Youtuber... (get on with it!) "and I shall be happy to offer my services as Holy Father, Renaissance Man, and Saviour of the Church." Admittedly, Dr Marshall would then be the first Pope since the middle ages to bear 27 children, but, having comprehensively beaten Taylor Swift in a "Which Taylor would you vote for?" Twitter poll, his popularity is beyond question.

Taylor Swift - unlikely to be either President or Pope.

So what policies do we expect Dr Marshall to follow, as President and then Pope? As a devout Catholic^TM he will naturally follow Joe Biden go for the exact opposite of Joe Biden's policies: he will be pro life, anti the LGBTQSJ agenda, and generally favour traditional Catholicism. This will go down badly in the White House, and probably badly in the Vatican too. But the time has come for change.

Putting pressure on the Pope

When you run a very popular blog that is read by nearly four people, as I do and as Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is does, you have to be careful what you write as you never know who will see it.

See the problem?

Every morning Pope Francis dips into Where Pacha Is to see what brilliant thing he should be doing that day. Maybe an aeroplane trip in order to announce some shiny new doctrine on same-sex climate change? Perhaps he expects another visit from Austen Ivereigh, who will be doing his Judy Garland impersonation, singing "We're off to see the Synod, the Wonderful Synod of Sin"? Or IS THERE A BISHOP HE SHOULD SACK?

Well, of course there are quite a few bishops who should be sacked, or, more precisely, put in a sack and dropped at the bottom of the ocean, but this a blog of love and kindness and we won't mention them by name. Until next time.

The pressure begins to tell on Pope Francis.

Usually, the Pope has no problems reading Where Pacha Is. Its main message is "Pope Francis is right on everything, even when he's wrong, and if he says something that contradicts previous popes, saints, etc. then they must have been wrong. Or, more precisely, since the Magisterium is constantly changing, they were right at the time, but definitely wrong now. He's also amazingly handsome and charming." But sometimes, WPI tries to predict how the Magisterium will develop, and Pope Francis cannot keep up.

Fortunately, a man of great influence and sensitivity like the Where Pacha Is supremo knows where to draw the line. Well done!

Pope Francis also takes advice on how to cook sausages.

Pope Francis on the couch

Finally, even Pope Francis has realised that there is something badly wrong with his psychological make-up, and has checked in with the great Dr Kopfschrumpfer, psychiatrist to the Vatican.

"Now Holy Father, what seems to be the problem?"

Help me, doctor, I have this obsessive phobia about everything that happened before I founded the Church in 2013.

What is it that troubles you?

There is terrible support for restorationism... indietrismo... backwardism... a nostalgic disease... we cannot turn back...

I see. Have you considered discussing the issue with some friends?

I don't have any friends, apart from Austen Ivereigh the scribbler, and nobody in their right mind would take his advice. Oh and James Martin, but all he recommends is appointing more LGBTSJ bishops.

Yours is a difficult case, Holy Father. Take some of these MODAGON anti-modernism tablets and come and see me tomorrow.

Pope Francis hobbles out, but goes through the wrong door, and ends up in a cupboard.

Which is it to be?

Come back, Holy Father! It's the other door!

I cannot turn back... that would be backwardism... indietrismo... CRASH... I must always go forward, as the sap rises in a tree... to do without this flow would be to remain a mummy... CRASH!... Ow! Get Arthur Roche here to help me... you'll find him in the cake shop...

How to run a Coronation

I was (of course) invited to the Coronation of King Charles III, and so I picked up a few tips on how such events should be run. Indeed, since a Coronation is just a sort of Mass run by Anglicans with a few traditional add-ons, some of the features I observed could easily be incorporated into a Novus Ordo Mass (or, with more difficulty, the Traditional Latin Mass).

Proof that I was there!

Now, when the celebrant enters the church, it is not appropriate to have someone carrying a cross in front, as this may offend Muslims, Hindus, Anglicans, Jesuits, and anyone else who has dropped in to keep out of the rain. No, what we need is a Valkyrie with a giant sword.

"Smite ye the ungodly" (Psalm 160).

If it is a Catholic Mass you will need some special guests to give it a spiritually nourishing flavour. A man dressed as the Pope, perhaps. A ballet dancer practising Ignatian Yoga. Or this:

It's G.K. Chesterton!

An interlude - in America they have different notions of the proper procedures for a Coronation Mass. For example, the presence of a QAnon shaman is considered desirable on ecumenical grounds.

Zadok the Priest and QAnon the Shaman anointed Joe Biden KING!

Back to Westminster Abbey. The best Masses have gospel dancers singing and cavorting around but it is not strictly necessary, so we'll skip that. You may also have young people who have been dragged into church kicking and screaming - they don't want to be there, and you don't want to see them. The answer is to hide them behind a lady with a big feather on her hat.

In a minute he is going to sneeze...

Well, that's all, folks. And remember, if you have celebrated your Saturday Mass with some high-quality music, then you can always organize a Glastonbury-type concert for the tone-deaf masses the next day; this is a Sunday, and therefore need not be regarded as holy.

"You is not saved only we is saved." (Suitable for either event.)