This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 25 May 2013

Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

bossy dame

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

I talk to the trees

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

camel

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

beam

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

snake

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice. I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael Voris wig

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.

20 comments:

  1. you never see a cat or a dog with a wig. Must be significant

    ReplyDelete
  2. Darling eccles, you send that dame to me and I'll 'splain all about humour and Bosco and what have you xx Jess

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know an old lady who swallowed a fly ...
    N just look what THAT lead to!
    or
    the road to el(fensafety)
    is puffed
    wi' good intentions

    ReplyDelete
  4. Eccles, I don't know what your day job is, but give it up and blog full time. In this lunatic age we need your brand of lunacy to keep us sane. & tell us who the 'dame' is so we can sort her out for you!

    Chloe

    ReplyDelete
  5. As the American version of G&S - R&H for the obtuse - noted: “There is nothing like a dame!”

    However I suspect that Eccles’ dame is nothing like what Mr. Hammerstein had in mind: “A girly female, womanly, feminine dame.”

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Sir,

    You obviously have a number of incoherent lunatics contributing to this forlorn woeful blog, so let us try to inject some commonsense into it.

    I never did understand humour and besides, it is very un-Catholic to make people laugh at miserable peccators. If someone has been fishing and caught nothing, they get miserable, and that is only to be expected. How much more un-Catholic to make fun of unsuccessful deacons in good standing. As the Cure Dars said, "Give a deacon a fish and he moans that he has no chips. Teach him to fish and you keep him out of the sacristy." Wise words indeed.

    Yours with amazement,
    Disgusted of Croydon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. why croydon? I thought gusteds hung out there, the disgusteds having decamped to tunbridge wells.

      Delete
  7. I don't wish to argue with the Cure D'Ars, or your good self, Frere Rabit - but I think the deacon in question is never short of chips, as he carries a plentiful supply on each shoulder.

    Singed
    Your ever kind , truthful and helpful witch

    ReplyDelete
  8. The Dame has to be Joanna Bogle whose self-obsessed blog is far funnier that even Eccles can manage at his best. The 'about me' section on the front is always a rib tickler. She is the best satirist of her generation bar none.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no - I suspect she is a teacher, though your explanation does chill one to the bone... I had thought she was an RS teacher (as it was known in my day) but my husband inclines to the view that she is a PT teacher (as it was known in his day) and that Eccles narrowly avoided being battered by the gat-toothed harpy with a jolly hockey stick.

      Delete
  9. If I know it's satire, ANYONE can know it's satire. I have Asperger Syndrome.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hats off to you again Eccles on the photographic evidence - in the late nineteenth century colour photography had already been invented. You turn up once more with the objective proof.
    The spelling is improving - well done!

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  11. Michael is nice and his ideas - eat Nice biscuits; have vacations in Nice; be Nice have nice friends and listen to nice music. Have a NICE day!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lisa Grass, that sounds like a terrible condition. Are you completely addicted to aspergers? Could you wean yourself off them via broccoli? Just an idea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It can be cured with a sprig of hyssop. . .

      Delete
  13. darling eccles, dis person is, as Jadis said, well-balanced, chip on each shoulder :) xx Jess

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  14. Are they still smoking camels? This is a cruel habit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not as creul as smoking members of the traveller community (gitanes)

      Delete
  15. Smoking a Black Russian is the most sensitive of them all.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Did you not tell the dame who did tell you off, that you is luved by the Yoof? We says you is true and helpful.

    That dame would not have been too happy with Shakespeare who did write, 'cruel to be kind'.

    ReplyDelete