This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Vincent Nichols to be new Dr Who

We can reveal exclusively that the BBC has offered the role of the 12th Doctor Who to Vincent Nichols, 67, Archbishop of Westminster and part-time spiritual leader.

new Dr Who

The new Doctor poses outside his Tardis.

It is thought that Pope Francis had a hand in Archbishop Nichols's appointment, which can be seen as a consolation prize for his failure to obtain a role in the long-running soap opera The Cardinals.

Some people had suggested that the Dr Who role might go to a woman - actresses such as Tina Beattie and Catherine Pepinster were suggested - but, in the end, the BBC producers decided to remain with tradition, feeling that they did not have the authority to ordain a woman as Dr Who; our Lord Sidney Newman had explicitly called a grumpy old man to be the first Doctor, and the appointment of Nichols is seen as a return to that tradition.

lesbian lizard

One of the first adventures will involve lesbian lizards in Farm Street, London.

Armed with his new-style sonic screwdriver, modelled on the pectoral cross, the new Doctor will of course be facing his traditional enemies, such as Daleks and Cybermen. However, it may be that some of his adventures will have a more religious emphasis: in particular, we may see the return of the Meddling Monk, who was active in the 1960s.

traddy monk

The Meddling Monk - an old adversary who tried to block Vatican II reforms.

Another foe sure to re-appear before long is the Weeping Angels. In his current role, Vincent Nichols is of course well used to weeping angels - after all, the cries of woe in Heaven whenever a new issue of the Tablet is produced can be heard even in Westminster.

Vincent Nichols and two angels

The new Doctor confronts the weeping angels.

It is likely that a new version of the classic Dr Who theme tune will also be produced, and here it is virtually certain that we shall have Paul Inwood's brilliant new arrangement: Wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum ch-ch.

Today the new Doctor was delighted with his new role, especially because of the new opportunities it gives for having his photograph taken.

sinister yogi

The new Doctor engages in mind-warfare with a sinister yogi.


  1. darling eccles, excellent casting - 'Archbishop Who' becomes Dr Who - won't have to change the name then? :) xx Jess

  2. So that is what he meant when he said: " Who knows what is down the road?"

  3. In related news, they have reportedly cast Hans Küng as the Master.

  4. Do be careful Eccles as de good Dame will be attacking you but dis time not wiv her razor sharp tongue but wiv de pointed knitting needles she uses at de guillotine!

  5. Paula N Wood wrote a laudatory signature tune for the new science fiction TV series - "I will praise Who, Lord [Hall].."
    and "I'll Who ya' till the end of Time".

  6. When Vincent Nichols graced the head table at the Beda College in Rome in early 2009 he was introduced by Mgr. Rod Strange as the next Dr Who, which was no surprise to anybody. When Vinny later spoke to us in the student bar - where he seemed very happy with the attention of the college camp queens - he let it be known that he was hoping to be a cardinal.

    Nobody took this idea seriously, but it is good to know that he at least achieved recognition at the new Dr Who.

  7. When Vincent Nichols was appointed there were millions of Weeping Anglos.

  8. Who will be Dr Who's luvvly assistant?
    It must be a nun - like in the Fr Dowling Mysteries -but who would fit the bill?

  9. Jabba Pappa, that can't be write De Master is supposed to be his enemy!


    1. There's the wacky world of modernist NuWho for you !!!

  10. I seem to remember that the Meddling Monk had a fully functioning chameleon circuit in his Mark IV Tardis. This enables him to disguise his time travelling machine as any object which would blend in with his chosen locale. Dr Vinnie would be wise to avoid going into strange confessionals.

    I am a great fan of the Meddling monk. Imagine if he had managed to get Da Vinci to invent the aeroplane. The Pope could have sent over an armada of bombers to strafe Richmond Palace, blast Cecil and Lizzie, and re-establish Catholicism. Not that an armada would have been necessary if the illegitimate line of Margaret Beaufort and Owen Tudor had never got near the throne - because the Normans had lost at Hastings.

  11. Dis is becoming a Whodunit, init?