This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

The diary of a nobody

June 4th. Represented Ballydancer in a hurling match. The aim was to hurl as many insults at the Vatican as possible in 90 minutes. I managed to keep ranting for the whole period without taking a breath. "Well done, Father Flummery!" said the spectators.

ladies hurling

Ladies' hurling. Of course the Vatican wants to stop it.

June 5th: Still in a state of open warfare with the Vatican. Went to the Ballydancer post office to collect my mail - they won't deliver it to the house since I poured a plate of Irish stew over the postman, mistaking him for my bishop.

My letter of complaint to Pope Benedict has been returned, marked "Gone away!" Apparently there's a new pope, called Francis. They kept that one a secret didn't they? I expect they did that to confuse me and my secret society CRAP - The Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests.

Pope Francis

The new Pope (in front, with giant fish). But nobody told Tony Flummery, did they?

June 6th: Read the Tablet. Very good, as is the National Catholic Reporter. They're taking up my case against the Vatican. "Justice for Flummery!" suggested that nice woman, Catherine Peppermint. They also suggest writing to Basil Loftus, who can always be relied on to say something to irritate Catholics.

June 7th: I am a great admirer of Enda Life, our Taoiseach, so I went into the street with a banner "Enda Life for Jesus." Enda's a fine Gael, the finest you ever saw. My brother Frankenstein works for him, you know. At the moment we are all campaigning for lots of lovely abortion in Ireland - if that doesn't annoy Pope Benedict Francis, I don't know what else will!

Enda Life

Enda Kenny plays "When Irish eyes are smiling" on a giant tin of shoe-polish.

June 8th: Spent the day working on my latest book, Judas Iscariot - the first rebel against the Vatican. The man was an inspiration to us all.

June 9th (Sunday): Said Mass at Ballydancer. It seems that there is a new translation of the Missal. It's terrible. I got as far as "consubstantial with the Father" and then fell to the ground in a fit, foaming at the mouth. It seems that I'll be spending next week in the Ballydancer Infirmary. I'll bet that the Vatican doesn't send anyone round with grapes.

Do not resuscitate

Someone fixed this to my hospital bed! I suspect the CDF.


  1. Better not tell him about that Nicene Creed - all Greek to him xx Jess

  2. Dear Sir,

    I am sick and tired of your cynicism about Vatican II. It is about time you realised that the tide has turned on your traddy nonsense and the waters are rising fast, filled with drowned polar bears, thanks to climate change, which is all the fault of traditionalist traddies and their damnable CO2 thuribles which are entirely responsible for the melting of Greenland. And if you think the science is wrong, just look at your own toaster and get real. God it makes me mad.

    Mad of Tunbridge Wells..

    1. Your gruntledness remains unaffected as yet


    2. You are correct for once, O Saxon (by adoption) Lagomorph.

      "The ocean shall inundate Ireland seven years before the End so that the devil may not rule over that people." (St. Patrick)

      "Seven years before the Last Day the sea shall submerge Ireland in one inundation." (St. Columbkille)

      "The sea will come over Ireland seven years before the day of judgment." (St. Nennius)

      "The sea shall overwhelm Ireland seven years before the judgment." (Leabhar Breac)"

      I would therefore predict that when Fr Flummery floats down the Medway in his coracle (being so full of hot air that he does not perish in the Irish tsunami), it is probably time to cash in the endowment policy, and go on a shopping spree to C&A in Ashford, for a new anorak.

    3. I shall be watching the chaos ensue from the very top of Alderley Edge, of course.

  3. The Atlantic will drown Ireland 84 months before Judgement Day (LeonG)

  4. Looks like the Enda Ireland soon.