This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 5 April 2013

Fortune tellers cannot save you

Pope Francis has reminded people that salvation can only come through Jesus Christ, not through tarot readers and fortune tellers.

Liturgical abuse

A liturgical abuse by an unsaved priest.

This news has come as a shock to many liberal catholics, who were expecting Pope Francis to be more sympathetic towards arcane practices than his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI.

Said Catherine Pepinster of the Tablet, "We are gravely disappointed by what the Pope said, and he is losing the support of Catholic newspapers such as ours. After all, the Tablet's new horoscope column, written by the mysterious Madame E. Curti, gives explicit instructions on how to achieve salvation. For example, all Aquarians should try an attend a mass with liturgical dancing this week, and join a pro-choice demonstration."

Elena Curti

Madame E. Curti looks into the future.

Over in the dark lands of Roehampton there is also disquiet. Said Madame Tina, another well-known clairvoyante, "I predict that Pope Francis will be visited by an aged German called Küng, who will persuade him to allow women priests, same-sex marriage and easy divorce, as an integral part of Catholic life. Trust me, this morning I saw three magpies and a large white cloud that looked a bit like Vincent Nichols. That always means doom for someone."

Hans Küng

Hans Küng - the cards foretell his arrival in Rome.

Continued Madame Tina, "I haven't been getting many speaking engagements lately, but as a leading Catholic fortune-teller, I am always available for gay masses, first communions, clown masses, ordinations, or, if all else fails, my ever-popular mind-reading show Madame Tina's Lumen Gentium. After all, Mother Julian of Norwich was a mystic, so why shouldn't I try my hand?"

Madame Tina

Madame Tina knows your future!

It is thought that Pope Francis may not be entirely pleased with this new trend in liberal Catholicism. And to everyone's surprise, it appears that Pope Benedict, in his retirement, has also been practising simple conjuring tricks.


Abracadabra! There's now a rabbit inside the box!


  1. So that's where the rabit has gone. Good magic trick to get the donks in xx Jess

  2. As the Rabit inside the box, I can accurately report the conversation between Pope Francis and Pope Emeritus Benedict. It went exactly like this:

    BENEDETTO: Well you can take that smile off your face, sunshine. I've looked at your Pinocchio liturgy on YouTube. Do you want to drag us all back into the 1970s?

    FRANCESCO: With respect, humble brother Pope, We wouldn't have been in the 1970s if we hadn't gone through the 1960s, and you know where the liturgical bodies are buried. That's more than I know.

    BENEDETTO: Never mind that. Who brought in the Motu Proprio then?

    FRANCESCO: The what?

    BENEDETTO: Exactly. And I've seen the photos of you being "blessed" by protestants. Don't you realise protestants are not "The Church" but simply ecclesial favelas?

    FRANCESCO: I simply followed your example, humble brother poor Pope.

    BENEDETTO: What?

    FRANCESCO: I saw you administer the Holy Sacrament to Brother Roger of Taizé - a protestant - and I thought you meant us all to follow in your footsteps.

    BENEDETTO: And I suppose you'll be washing women's feet next?

    FRANCESCO: Good idea, brother humble neighbour Pope. I'll start next Thursday.

  3. Hey Eccles, what do the tea leafs say about your future? Anti Molly is gonna break another bottle over your dumb head again?