BBC interviews the Pope's enemies

BBC presenter: After the sudden announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, we shall be talking to a balanced selection of people who have good reason to hate him. Let's start with you, Justin Welby. Your predecessor, Archbishop Cranmer, was martyred by the Catholics in 1556, so naturally you detest Pope Benedict.

Thomas Cranmer - did Benedict XVI ever apologise for his death?

JW: Er, no, actually, I think Benedict has shown great dignity, insight, and courage. All in all, rather a good Pope, really. And I think it's an excellent thing when a major religious leader steps aside, in order to allow a younger man to take over.

BBC: Oh, you're no fun at all. Over to Richard Dawkins now, who can always be relied on to say something anti-Catholic.

RD: Sex. That's the main thing in life. And the Pope hasn't had any. What a waste. Look at me, I'm the man they call "Dr Sexy" in Oxford. Nearly 72 years old, and I'm still regarded as an Oxford Don Juan (geddit?)

An erotic DVD starring Dr Sexy. Not suitable for children.

BBC: Thank you, Professor Dawkins, for making that deep point of theology. Well, we at the BBC are nothing if not balanced in our coverage, so we also invited in a Catholic who hates the Pope. Catherine Pepinster is busy insulting the Pope on Channel 4, but instead we have managed to get hold of Lavinia Byrne, a former nun.

LB: Drone drone drone, women priests, contraception, Spanish Inquisition trying to bully me, Pope Benedict ate my hamster, ... (continues until she has a fit).

Panic-stricken nuns flee the bullying of the Catholic Church.

BBC: Thank you so much, Lavinia Byrne, for putting the Catholic point of view. We'll continue this debate on BBC Radio 5 Live, where Austen Ivereigh is being mauled by a specially-selected group of Leeds United supporters, but here is a final proof that God Himself (if he exists) hates the current set-up at the Vatican.

"GIVE ME HANS KÜNG !!!" says God.

Shock resignation

Giles Fraser's shock resignation has stunned the world.

The world is shocked to learn that Giles Fraser has resigned from his position as comedy columnist on the Church Times. The reasons for his resignation are not entirely clear, but it seems that his onerous duties in the Chair of St Palmer, combined with the additional strain of writing for the Guardian and working for the BBC, have proved too much for the holy father. His 39 articles, to which all Anglican priests are supposed to subscribe (although they can also download them for nothing) have taken a severe toll on his energies. Perhaps he will now have more time for other duties, maybe even some of a parochial nature.

George Pitcher, Religious Correspondent of Viz magazine.

There will be a formal conclave to elect a successor to Giles Fraser, but the hot favourite is surely Jolly George Pitcher of St Bride's, Fleet Street, who writes the prestigious Georgie Pitcher - there's no-one richer column for Viz magazine. Like Father Giles, Jolly George can be guaranteed to concentrate on left-wing issues without pushing too much religion down people's throats.

Laurie Penny, the thinking man's George Pitcher.

Another candidate has already thrown her hat into the ring, namely, Laurie Penny of that famous unread magazine The New Statesman (average subscription 27). With views almost identical to those of Giles Fraser, except perhaps that she possesses a certain spirituality which Giles does not, she could easily take over his job.

Pope Benedict XVI demonstrates a conjuring trick with a dove.

Finally, in a spirit of ecumenism, a surprise candidate has emerged. Pope Benedict XVI, a leading Catholic, has resigned his position in Rome and expressed interest in Giles Fraser's job. "It will give me a stepping-stone into show business," he is thought to have said.

"Cameron's Pope" exonerated

David Cameron and Pope Benedict XVI. Were they really friends?

The Guardian, February 9th 2113.

The author of a new book, The Pope's Catholics, has found evidence that Pope Benedict XVI, long vilified as "Cameron's Pope," was in fact a good friend of those who were persecuted by the evil dictator during his rule between 2010 and 2015.

In his new book, Gordon Thomas explains that during the persecution of the Catholic church in the early part of the 21st century, Benedict XVI did not stand idly by, but actually attempted to defend Catholic doctrine.

Many Christians, and Catholics in particular, were dismayed when in 2014 Cameron brought in an "Equal Marriage" law, reducing the age of consent to 6, and allowing marital unions to involve all organisms, regardless of sex and species, provided that at least one human was involved. Although he had earlier given an assurance that this was not his intention, "the world had moved on," and earlier promises were no longer valid.

A happy bride, "hoping to have kids."

For Anglicans and Catholics, Cameron had given an "octuple lock" guarantee that they would not be forced to conduct such wedding ceremonies in church. This of course meant that it very soon became obligatory. When the "Bigotry Act" of 2014 was introduced, many priests were forced to go into hiding.

Of course, some quasi-religious people were delighted: Giles Fraser, the journalist and part-time vicar, had said "I am prepared to be boiled in oil, and have my toenails pulled out, but it won't stop me marrying three men and an elephant, if I am asked to."

A wedding party, on its way to St Mary's, Newington.

But what was Pope Benedict XVI doing while all these changes were being made? Well, unlike some of his bishops and clergy, and totally unlike some nominally-Catholic MPs, he did in fact speak up in defence of traditional marriage; indeed, he provided shelter for many persecuted priests who rebelled against the new laws. In particular Benedict promoted to cardinal the man who later became his own successor on the throne of St Peter, preferring him to the obvious candidate ("Vin Rouge" or "Red Vin"), whose moral leadership he considered to be very weak.

Philip Egan (later, Pope Pius XIII).

Saint of the Week

St Damian the Obscure.

A member of the order of St Custard, St Damian is another medieval saint about whom many astounding legends have grown up.

Damian is believed to have come from humble stock, his ancestors having been ferret-farmers near Reading. Damian himself was a learned man, and was sent to Oxenford to study for a degree in HHT (History, Hairdressing and Theology), the most prestigious degree offered at that time.

Father Sidney James, Damian's tutor in theology and hairdressing.

In those days Damian was something of a lady's man, breaking the hearts of many virtuous maidens who came his way. However, he resolved to devote himself to God, and in particular the maintenance of traditional Catholic values.

Cristina Odone - after meeting Damian she devoted her life to good works.

At that time the Council of Trent was meeting, and Damian - a traditionalist who adhered to the Sarum Rite - was anxious to fight its modernist tendencies with all the powers at his disposal. Indeed, his polemics brought him to the attention of Cardinal Murphy, who attempted unsuccessfully to procure his excommunication.

Cardinal Murphy admits defeat.

In his later years, Damian took a less active part in church politics, although he maintained a pious and virtuous life; his contemporaries noted that he was a master of the German art of Schadenfreude, and that his enemies were invariably cast down. For example, the miraculous downfall of Christopher the Hun is generally attributed to the intervention of St Damian.

Conclusive proof that Christopher the Hun was not driving his chariot.

Damian's final years were spent in madness. Each week he sent out a deranged letter to his disciples, written in green ink, in which he discussed random topics such as cummerbunds, hairdressers and custard, but nobody could bear to read them. He eventually succumbed to a surfeit of cupcakes.

Prayer to St Damian: O blessed St Damian, who saved the Church in its hour of peril, intercede for us, that we may be blessed with a good head of hair, that we may avoid unseemly fatness, and that we may avoid all forms of addiction. Help us to write, as thou didst write, even when we have nothing to say. Amen.

The Westminster Heresy Lectures

Arranged by Vincent Nichols in conjunction with the Tablet.

To mark Lent, the Archdiocese of Westminster has organized a strong programme of public lectures exploring heresy in all its aspects. Here are some of the forthcoming attractions.

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Tina Beattie shirts are now on sale.

To kick off, Professor Tina Beattie will be explaining the heresies of modernism. We look forward to hearing her views on the doctrine on same-sex marriage, as explained in that beautiful passage from Matthew 19 in the Roehampton Bible.

Have ye not read, that He who made man from the beginning, made them male and male, and female and female, and sometimes a bit of both? For this cause shall a man leave father and father's boyfriend, and shall cleave to another man, and they two shall be in one flesh.

One of the sacred texts we shall study in Lent.

As an encore she will read from her wonderful book God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, where the Mass is likened to an orgasmic celebration of homosexual love.

Says Tina: "One of my favourite ploys is to announce that I am giving a lecture about the Blessed Virgin Mary. After that, I can say what I like!" A Tablet spokesman said, "If Mary is God's Mother, then surely Tina is God's slightly eccentric Auntie!"

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Alain de Bottom (L, with ass's head).

Also coming to Westminster is celebrity intellectual Alain de Bottom, "The man with the ass's head," who will be providing spiritual nourishment from his new book Religion for Atheists. In particular he will be talking about his Ten Commandments for Atheists.

Says Alain: "If I had to design a list of 10 virtues that could apply today, I might go for the following:

Smugness, Banality, Self-centredness, Pretentiousness, Emeticality, Pseudo-intellectualism, Moral blindness, Fluffy niceness, Apparent omniscience, and Pomposity."

Marcel Proust, author of Comment Alain de Botton peut changer votre vie.

However, Damian Thompson, a well-known expert on custard who occasionally dabbles in Catholic journalism, expressed a dissenting viewpoint: "Frankly, I can't take Alain seriously, as he is going very bald."

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Chris Bryant MP (with offensive parts redacted).

Fresh from the same-sex "marriage" debate in the House of Commons, we have Chris Bryant MP, star of a "gay-dating" website, who will speak on What is truth?

Says Chris, "I want to get away from old-fashioned notions of truth and falsehood. As I said to Edward Leigh in the House of Commons, the assurances that I made a few years ago no longer apply because I believe that the world has moved on."

Father, don't blame me: that cherry tree came down because the world has moved on.

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Says Vincent Nichols, "I am hoping that by inviting so many experts to challenge Catholic doctrine I shall become more well-known in Rome, and - who knows? - I may finally get that elusive red hat."

Chalk and cheese to be equal

Chalk - an excellent source of protein.

Chalk-eaters were celebrating this evening as the House of Commons voted for an Equal Nutrition bill, which would give chalk the same status as cheese.

Supporters of the Let's eat chalk campaign, which include such well-respected religious figures as Tina Beattie and Giles Fraser, explained that the Bible's bigoted attitude was inappropriate for the 21st century.

Said one campaigner: "We refuse to accept chalkophobic passages, such as the following from Isaiah 27:9: When he maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder, the groves and images shall not stand up. Why is it not the cheesestones that are beaten in sunder, eh?"

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" (Job 10:10)

Another well-known Biblical figure who refused to eat chalk was celebrity moaner Job, who regularly expressed totally unacceptable chalkophobic sentiments, as above.

As Giles Fraser points out, Jesus never explicitly condemned the eating of chalk, and therefore it must be morally correct to serve it to children.

On the other side of the debate, some bigoted people have been fighting to maintain the traditional views of nutrition. "Family life hinges on the fact that children are fed proper food, such as cheese, and not a distorted calcareous diet," said one MP (to cries of "bigot"). "Moreover, if you are going to allow chalk to be fed to children, then why not chlorate?" he continued.

Chlorate. Almost the same as chalk and cheese.

Apart from (possibly) Peter Tatchell, few people have asked for chlorate to be given equal status with cheese as a source of protein, but opponents of the Equal Nutrition Bill say that it can only be a matter of time before it will be compulsorily served at school dinners.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a "quadruple lock" to protect faith schools from being forced to serve chalk for lunch; however, it has been pointed out that a quadruple lock is very easy to undo if you have one simple piece of equipment.

Four keys.

Our experts explain marriage

Iain Dull, the world's silliest blogger.

The Government has said that it is a priority to extend equal marriage to West Ham supporters such as myself, all of whom are currently either born out of wedlock or biologically engineered from "normal" human beings. Do you know that I was the first openly West Ham supporting person to stand for parliament in North Norfolk? Of course, being generally regarded as an obnoxious bore, I didn't stand a chance, but it was still a significant blow for equal marriage. Anyway, I am now going to spam e-mail every single MP with my views - they are bound to listen to a failed politician.

By the way, I don't normally mention such personal things, but I have also been gay from birth (unlike most kids, who don't worry about such things before they are teenagers). Here is an early heart-throb of mine - how I fantasised about pulling him from his flower-pot and ravishing him!

Bill (or Ben) - a sex symbol for precocious toddlers.

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Chris Grayling, Justice Secretary.

What we need is a change in social attitudes to allow more smacking. I was smacked as a child and it never did me any permanent harm, except in making me a supporter of David Cameron. And I smack my kids. And I'm going to smack anyone who refuses to support the Gay Marriage Bill. Why do you think we employ people called "Whips"?

What we need is a change in social attitudes. Out goes "right and wrong," and in comes "smack smack."

My old headmaster - made me the man I am today.

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Polly Toynbee, atheist, journalist and clown.

All religious opposition to gay marriage is based on bigotry. I'll say it again: bigots, bigots, bigots. Christ was a bigot. The Pope's a bigot. Everyone's a bigot.

Look, the book of Genesis said that it was wrong to eat apples, and we don't find that a problem these days. So why should we take any notice of Christ's views on marriage? Bigot, bigot, bigot.

If Christians really took the Bible seriously, they would refuse to use washing-machines as sex objects, wouldn't they? But according to a Guardian poll, 85% of Catholics own a washing-machine (and why not? I own six in my various houses). Bigots, bigots, bigots.

A washing-machine, probably after a night of passion with a bigoted Catholic.

Remains identified as Richard

Richard.

Scientists have confirmed that the skeleton found in a car park in Leicester is indeed that of the veteran Christian singer, Cliff Richard (born 1452). They commented that the skeleton was in very good condition, and that identification became easier when they heard it trying to sing Congratulations. It then apologised for its somewhat croaking voice, saying "I'm hoarse, I'm hoarse, my singing's rather hoarse!"

Until the positive identification was made, there were many other theories about the identity of the skeleton. One of the most bizarre was that it might be the even-more-veteran Catholic bore, Basil Loftus, sole architect of Vatican II, who is now generally regarded as a poor old fossil.

The Loftus Monster.

However, "Lofty," as he is known to his friends, has recently been located somewhere near Loch Ness, where he provides an attraction for tourists who cannot quite believe in the existence of the Loftus Monster.

Although the identification of Richard's bones is an event of great historical importance, it seems unfortunately to have been overshadowed today by the story of Chris Huhne, an MP who has admitted to perverting the course of justice by trying to dodge a speeding conviction. And now he is history as well.

Chris Huhne.

Bad Hymns 16

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have received two nominations for Bob Gillman's hymn Bind us together, Lord, so we felt it was time to invite the author to discuss his work with us.

E: Welcome, Bob. It says in my briefing notes that the hymn is suitable for marriages, because of the Bind us together phrase, which we get to sing a total of fifteen times (or perhaps twenty if the chorus is repeated at the end).

This is what makes marriage so popular.

BG: Yes, indeed. I wrote the tune myself, as well. You may have noticed that it also doubles as a funeral march: I was hoping to enter it for the Eccles boring tune award.

E: Well, you'd be a strong candidate, certainly. Let's explore the words a bit more. You want us to be bound together with cords that cannot be broken. That's a profound theological insight.

BG: My spiritual adviser told me that it was better than asking for "cords that just might get broken."

An enthusiastic parishioner verifying that the cords cannot be broken.

E: Well, Bind us together with love seems to be O.K. I'm glad you finally got away from the rope motif.

BG: My next verse was very easy to write. There is only one God/King/Body, you see.

E: Yes, you're taking this nice and gently, I must admit. Not exactly hitting us with a blizzard of deep theological concepts.

BG: If you wanted more verses, I have recently discovered that There is only one Father/Son/Spirit as well. Or there's only one Paul Inwood (although that seems like too many).

E: I think that would make the hymn a little too exciting. Luckily we have another Bind us together chorus to calm us down again.

Some worshippers bound for church.

BG: Yes, and then after that the hymn really does take off. Born with the right to be clean, for example.

E: Of course, the way that verse is written we can't tell exactly who is born with the right to be clean. Grammatically, it turns out to be Jesus, but that can't be what you meant.

BG: It's us, Eccles. I forgot to mention it.

Born with the right to be clean.

E: Well, we'll wrap this up now. There's another dose of confusion in the last verse with You are the glorious new wine, where I suppose "you" means "we," but it's not worth worrying about.

BG: So, shall we, very slowly, sing the chorus again? Bind us together...

E: Yes, why not? Probably, the only thing that most people remember of this hymn is that it's a real bind.

Actually, we like the hymn very much.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.

Are you a cultural Christian?

It's a funny thing, Christianity, isn't it? Many people would say it was something to do with belief in Jesus as the Son of God, who died for our sins and rose again (and there's a whole lot more, on which there is not always universal agreement). But some people call themselves Cultural Christians, so what's that all about, eh?

Culture for Christians (and others).

Here are some test questions to help you decide whether you are Christian, a cultural Christian, or something else entirely.

1. How often do you go to church?
(a) Once a week, maybe more.
(b) Just for christenings, weddings and funerals. But I stand 
there looking superior, and don't join in any of the hymns.
(c) Never. It's a sexist misogynist relic of the dark ages.

And what do YOU do, Mr Welby?

2. How do you celebrate Christmas?
(a) I go to church a lot.
(b) I buy hot cross buns and easter eggs, which for some 
reason are in the shops at that time.
(c) I call it Yule or Winterval and dance naked in the snow. 

It's a pure coincidence that I have a tree in my living-room.

3. What do you think of the Bible?
(a) A book of inspired religious writing.
(b) It was compiled by bronze-age goatherds, who couldn't 
read or write, but it has some memorable quotations in it.
(c) Nasty, homophobic, vicious. I prefer to curl up with 
Bertrand Russell.

"Nowadays we realise that the Bible was written by bigots."

4. How do science and religion fit together?
(a) Pretty well, really: many of our greatest scientists 
have been religious.
(b) Scientists were forced to be religious, and the best 
ones knew it was all a pretence.
(c) All science produced by religious people is suspect.

Newton (being religious) made an error in his theory of gravitation.

5. Why are you reading this blog?
(a) For spiritual nourishment.
(b) It is part of our Christian heritage, even if it is a 
blog full of vicious lies.
(c) I'm not. No way. Give me Das Kapital any day.

When I hear the phrase "Cultural Christian," I reach for my Zuhlsdorf.

If you replied mostly (a), then you are probably some sort of Christian (but not Giles Fraser). If (b), then you are a cultural Christian, and will no doubt spend much of your time insulting real Christians. If (c), then you may be trying a little too hard, Giles.

Cambridge Union Debate

In a debate in the Cambridge Union last night the motion "Dawkins has no place in the 21st Century" was carried by an overwhelming majority.

A left-over from the 1960s.

Speaking in the debate, Lord Williams of Oystermouth (alias Rowan Williams) explained that although the World had a long tradition of listening to the views of Dawkins, he played no useful role in 21st Century Britain, and should really have been left behind in the 1960s, where wacky views were part of the popular culture.

The 1960s, an era of sex and drugs and selfish genes.

A Muslim speaker, Tariq Ramadan, also took part in the debate. He described Dawkins as "a betrayal of the intellect, a betrayal of all that's best about what makes us human." He deplored the fact that millions of people were being deceived by trashy books such as The God Delusion. "It's a phony substitute for an explanation, which seems to answer the question until you examine it and realise that it does no such thing," he added.

Not needed in 2013.

On the other side of the debate, Andrew Copson of the Atheist Humanist Association argued that Dawkins still had a useful part to play in modern society. "Culturally, we are all Dawkinsites. The word 'meme' was invented by Richard, and, since it can mean anything from 'idea' to 'theme' to 'trend', it is an ideal tool for fostering that culture of woolly thought which Dawkins embodies."

Woolly thought? What's wrong with that?

Finally, Richard Dawkins himself spoke in the debate, and he pleaded for a culture of tolerance. "Look at all that Dawkinsology has given to society," he said. "Tolerance (of those vile Catholics), deep philosophical insights (God doesn't exist, nah nah nah), and of course a good laugh all round." He pointed out that the Pope was so frightened of being arrested that he hadn't even dared show his face at the debate that evening.

In the end, however, the motion was heavily defeated, and it was agreed that Dawkins had no place in the 21st century. Care in the Community was not working in his case, and he should have remained in the 1960s, when village idiots were an accepted part of the scene.

Ooo, arr, that Dawkins is a scholar, and no mistake!