Liturgical dancing

Doing the can-can in Liverpool Cathedral.

Liturgical dance is a vital component of modern worship - so much more exciting than traddy things like the Gloria or Credo, and much more interesting than the Bishop's Letter (do we really care what he got for Christmas?) Accordingly, we are pleased to publish an excerpt from the new Liverpool Missal, Lord have Mersey!

PRIEST: You put your left leg in.
PEOPLE: You put your left leg out.
PRIEST: In out, in out.
PEOPLE: Shake it all about.
PRIEST: You do the hokey-cokey and you turn around.
PEOPLE: That's what it's all about.

PRIEST: It is indeed what it is all about, and it is 
our duty and our salvation, always and everywhere to
do the hokey-cokey and to turn around...

It is the priest's job to lead the liturgical dancing, as shown here.

The most recent liturgical dance in Liverpool Cathedral was held to celebrate the arrival of the relics of St John Bosco (that name seems strangely familiar). The saint was greeted by that lovely hymn based on Ezekiel 37, to which the whole congregation was invited to dance:

Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Now hear de word of de Lord.

♫ Your foot-bone's connected to your leg-bone... ♫

Liturgical dancing is here to stay. It has the great advantage that it concentrates the worshippers' minds, not on God, not on the meaning of the Mass, but on everyday things like being "cool" and having "rhythm." Also, it can take place at any point in the service.

No Mass is complete without some people waving cardboard boxes above their heads.

Of course the Anglicans have been doing liturgical dances for years. Here, Archbishop Sentamu of York demonstrates some of the movements to a sceptical Rowan Williams.

♫ Underneath the spreading chestnut tree... ♫

The full video of "Lord have Mersey" is here.

Oscott College bans Latin

"Ordain a lady" demonstrators invade Royal Oscott.

Seminarians at St Mary's College, Oscott (Birmingham) have been told that from now on all use of Latin is forbidden. As a spokesman said, "We keep getting bombarded with odd messages from the Pope, and we don't understand half of them. What's a Summorum Pontificum when it's at home? Is it the same as a Motu Proprio? And what's the difference between that and a Fiat Lux? We keep getting e-mails from the Vatican with obscure subjects such as Felix dies Nativitatis and Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini, but we've been deleting them, in case it meant we had to do something."

Harry Potter (seen here casting a spell) is also banned.

As one seminarian explained, the edict against Latin is so strict that students are forbidden to read Harry Potter novels in their spare time, since they contain strange Latinate words such as Accio and Crucio, which also double as magic spells. Indeed, it is believed that the institutional opposition to Latin began when one of the trainee priests accidentally said Levicorpus to Mgr Mark Crisp, the rector; as a result, the good monsignor was forced to participate in Mass while floating upside-down a few feet above the ground. Even in the Novus Ordo this is considered to be something of a faux pas.

Flying bishops - an Anglican innovation.

Fanatical Latin-loving seminarians are even now planning to appeal to the Archbishop of Birmingham, Bernard Longley. They intend to demonstrate outside St Chad's Cathedral with banners saying QUID VOLUMUS? MISSA LATINA! and QUANDO EAM VOLUMUS? NUNC! Unfortunately, it is unlikely that anybody in Birmingham will know what they are talking about.

A cautionary tale

(With apologies to Hilaire Belloc.)

Giles Fraser

Giles Fraser thought that telling lies
Was fine, for priests who wished to rise
To higher ranks, and wear a mitre:
Deceit could make their task much lighter.

If he was asked, "Who's in your bed?"
A bishop could tell lies, instead
Of owning up with honesty.
(We don't believe in sin, you see...)

"Do I have a sleeping partner? How dare you..."

It happened, after many years,
God took the man with funny ears:
Giles Fraser, aged just ninety-seven,
Had died - but did he go to Heaven?

Alas, I fear 'twas not the case,
For GOD said "Giles, you're a disgrace!
I've seen the way that you behaved:
There's no way, mate, that you'll be saved.

Just like your bishops, when they die,
You've made your bed, so on it, LIE!"

Giles Fraser's latest article is very good, don't you think?

Ordain a Lady!

Dr Who scarf Stole and purple chasuble: that'll annoy the traddies!

We asked some distinguished commentators to give us their views on the hilarious video Ordain a Lady! produced by the Women's Ordination Conference.

For those who missed it, it contains the strongest arguments for the ordination of women, that we've heard so far, including the self-effacing:

Don't listen to St Paul,
'Cuz I can lead the way.

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Father Zorro, priest and hero.

The picture of the women dancing contains so many liturgical abuses that I won't bother to list them, but I should point out that the lady at the front is improperly dressed for Mass (apart from omitting the biretta and wearing a stole above her chasuble) since she is clearly not carrying any concealed weapons. Where did she put her swordstick, her automatic pistol, and her hand grenades?

At this time many priests in good standing (i.e., not liberal ones) will now be ordering fresh supplies of land mines, tanks and atomic bazookas for use in the rite according to the Extraordinary Form. Could you please order them from Amazon via my website? Thanks.

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Pope Mommy I.

My ministry is growing.
Excommunication? I'm still glowing.
M.Div, chasuble flowing,
Where you think the Church is going?

Damian Thompson, blood-crazed ferret.

We should respect the lady above because she has a real M.Div. rather than a silly doctorate like Éoin Clarke (Doctor of Irish Jokes) or Richard Chartres (who doesn't really have a doctorate at all). However, the inside sources to which I have exclusive access suggest that Archbishop Vincent Nichols is unlikely to ordain her in the near future.

Possibly the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has had a hand in this. Look how the fortnightly Soho "Gay Masses" are to be driven underground and replaced by weekly Mayfair Gay Masses. If Vincent Nichols cracks down much further expect them to be driven underground completely, surviving only as daily Gay Masses at the Oratory.

Do let me know what you think. Unless you are on my little list of enemies, when my moderators will delete your comments in double-quick time!

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Paul Priest, On the side of the angels.

Look, we all know what Chesterton, Newman, Dostoyevsky, Pope Pius XI and Mae West had to say about the hermeneutics underlying this video. However, there's no need for me to quote their words, as nobody else round here would understand them except me. It's important not to place two antagonistic hypotheticals together into one paradigm. Remember that if it were not for Damian Thompson, the Catholic church would have collapsed, for it was Damian who single-handedly prevented Cormac Murphy-O'Connor from ordaining his own aunt.

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Through my most grievous fault...

My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.

Deacon Moanin, the most miserable man on the Internet (in biretta).

I wear a hat, and I am in the same job as the Pope, so I know you're getting at me again, Eccles, just because I am an orthodox Catholic, and not a tradinista like you.

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Giles Fraser, comedy vicar.

I am quite prepared to go to prison on the issue of women priests. Or anything else. It will do wonders for my credibility with Guardian-readers. Please send me to prison. All I ask is a humble cell with internet access and a BBC broadcast team. In my next Guardian column I ask: Is it OK for women to pretend they are men in order to become bishops?

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And finally...

A young Catherine Pepinster (R) explains St Thérèse of Lisieux's hatred for the Pope.

The Guardian: bringing dark desires to light

The Guardian newspaper has a circulation of approximately 200,000: this suggests that approximately 0.5-1% of the British population could be suffering from Guardophilia.

A logo used to attract Guardophiles. But are they dangerous?

Far from being the loathsome monsters as which they are normally portrayed, it has recently been suggested that Guardophiles are ordinary members of society, who simply need our moral support. It is true that you would not wish vulnerable people to be exposed to the Guardian, with its relentless diet of indecent and immoral articles, but there is little evidence that Guardian readers themselves are a serious danger to society.

A dodgy cartoon by Julius Streicher of the Guardian.

In these days of moral relativism, some say that the Guardian provides a valuable public service in giving ordinary people a vision of Hell, a place where the damned slave over their computers, churning out socialist propaganda on a daily basis.

Protection agencies are divided in their opinions as to whether exposure to the shocking material in the Guardian (for example, an atheist rant by Polly Toynbee) can cause permanent psychological damage. It is the view of Alan Rusbridger that many people survive the Guardian without too much emotional scarring, and that they are afterwards able to lead almost-normal lives.

Alan Rusbridger: "Don't drive Guardian-readers underground!"

We can help keep people safe, Rusbridger argues, "by allowing Guardophiles to be ordinary members of society, with moral standards like everyone else," and by "respecting and valuing those Guardophiles who choose self-restraint." Only then will adults tempted to read revolting newspapers be able to be honest about their desires, and find support from the ordinary Telegraph-reading public.

Genome Style Rap

For those who aren't familiar with rapping, the idea is to take a repetitive and rather trivial lyric and recite it to an even more repetitive and dull beat. An example which springs to mind is:

Lord, the light of your love is shining,
In the midst of the darkness, shining.
Jesus, light of the world, shine upon us,
Set us free by the truth you now bring us.

Got that? Then let's start, kiddos!

We're doing a rap in da Genome Style,
We're saying all Catholics are vile!

I left New College, and I went back home,
I wrote a book attacking Rome -
Now I'm dashing off another tome - 
Yo! Dudes, I'm called da Selfish Gene-Gnome!

Selfish gene! My pen is scribbling!
Selfish gene! My mouth is dribbling!

Now stretch those arms to left and right,
We're gonna be rappin all da night!

I was getting tired of biology,
So I thought I'd switch to theology -
I confused it with mythology -
But you aint gettin no apology.

We got Genome Style! I keep on screaming!
We got Genome Style! My head is steaming!

When you're getting old, just a little se-nile,
You gotta sit down to do da Genome Style!

As I was rapping round da Quad,
I thought of something rather odd -
I said "There prob'ly aint no God."
They told me: "You're a silly sod!"

Selfish gene! God's a delusion!
Selfish gene! That's my conclusion!

Tell your kids of Christ, that's child abuse.
Teach them Genome Style, that's much more use!

Then for many years I lived in hope,
Dat I was gonna arrest da Pope
And tie him up with a big big rope,
But dey all said "Dawkins is such a dope!"

Genome Style! Oh I'm misbehaving!
Genome Style! Don't tell me I'm raving!

Genome Style!

The Westminster Iron Tonic

After drinking Westminster Iron Tonic, I became an Olympic cyclist.

Are you a pathetic "Magic Circle" bishop, unwilling to take a stance on any issue at all? Do Telegraph journalists kick sand in your face? Are you fêted by the Tablet as someone who will never do anything to shake the liberal consensus?

TAKE WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC!

A spoonful of this daily, and you'll soon be noticed!

A satisfied customer, VN of London, writes:

I was a puny seven-stone archbishop, upon whom everyone looked down with scorn. They praised my macho friends Philip Egan and Mark Davies, while saying that I lacked backbone. But then my life changed...

The day I beat "mad dog" Williams in the archiepiscopal arm-wrestling championships.

My friend Tony Mennini told me to take a spoonful a day of Westminster Iron Tonic. I did so, and felt the iron rush through my bloodstream - yes, I had ferrous-crazed blood! In next to no time I had:

• Told David Cameron to get lost with his same-sex marriage proposals;
• Fought with a pack of rabid dogs;
• Kicked the gay masses out of Warwick Street, Soho;
• Bitten through an iron bar with my teeth;
• Welcomed the Ordinariate into a new church;
• Said "make my day, punk!" to Catherine Pepinster;
• Become the darling of traditional Catholics;
• Received a friendly telephone call from the Pope, promising me something red for my birthday.

I now train daily at the Olympic stadium.

WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC - YOU'LL BE A CARDINAL IN NO TIME!

No exemptions for Christians

Following a brilliantly original High Court decision by Mr Justice Langstaff that keeping holy the Sabbath day is not a "core component" of Christian belief, and that Christians may henceforth be forced to work on Sundays, we asked a few other High Court judges to explain Christianity to us.

Mr Justice Dredd.

"A prohibition against killing isn't a core component of Christian belief," explained Mr Justice Dredd. "Trust me, I'm a judge, I know these things. If an employer asks a Christian to murder one of his competitors, then the Christian has no right to object on grounds of conscience. It is true that under company law, murders are only permitted if the details are fully disclosed to shareholders at the annual general meeting, but this is not usually a problem."

Judge Dredd went on to explain that he was a great fan of the James Bond films, in which Bond, a pious Catholic, had been given a licence to kill. He had observed that Agent 007 never let his faith stand in the way if it became necessary to blow up the underwater lair of a crazed megalomaniac whose aim was to take over the world, and so he knew exactly what Christianity taught about murder. For that matter, adultery was also occasionally part of the job...

This is all the Law and the Prophets.

Another judge was quick to concur. "There's this commandment about worshipping graven images. Well, we can't give Christians any exemption there, either. Suppose they want to become Conservative cabinet ministers, a noble calling if ever there was one. They would need to kiss all sorts of things en route, including a graven image of David Cameron. They can't expect some sort of exemption, can they?"

Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes! Worship me!

Finally, we asked a Very Senior Judge indeed.

A Very Senior Judge indeed.

Speaking up for Judge Langstaff, a Very Senior Judge indeed agreed that He also expected His employees to work on Sundays; indeed, it was a popular myth amongst the laity that many of His priests only worked on Sundays.

It's no use, Father. You'll have to work Sundays from now on.

So there we have it. Our Lord Langstaff's Summary of the Law is backed by the highest Authority indeed.

Guest blogger, Snowball the pig

Snowball the pig, star of Animal Farm.

Today we are pleased to be able to print an abridged version of the Telegraph blog by Snowball the pig, winner of the prestigious Orwell prize for his role in Animal Farm and his pioneering slogan about marriage: One man bad, two men better!

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What cheek! Vincent Nichols invoked the spectre of an Orwellian, totalitarian state in his Christmas Day sermon, when he referred to the Government's attempts to bring in same-sex marriage. Christmas is a time for preaching a message of love and sex, for getting drunk and watching The Wizard of Oz on the television, and for wearing red hats with white trimmings. It is NOT a time for talking about morals, for trying to explain good and evil, or for mentioning controversial figures like Christ.

If Vincent Nichols had merely done what most priests do on Christmas Day: talked in vague terms about Father Christmas, and elves, and perhaps told us what Christmas presents he'd received, then nobody would have taken any notice. But he deliberately outraged non-Christians by taking a moral stand.

My partner, Napoleon, agrees with me.

What makes it more outrageous is that the Pope is an ex-Nazi - yes, he is, he is, he was a personal friend of Hitler, I tell you. That alone should stop him from condemning totalitarianism, fascism, dictators, or anything else. Bog off back to your bunker, Ratzinger, what makes you think you have any authority? Did you get an Orwell prize like me, or Polly Toynbee, or even Johann Hari?

The Pope, in the uniform of the Hitler youth, does a Nazi salute.

Well, that's put the Catholic church in its place - as the paramilitary wing of the National Socialists - so let me drone on a bit about Clause 28, that infamous piece of legislation which said that every day schools had to conduct a compulsory Two Minutes Hate for homosexuals. My own school didn't do this - in fact, they didn't mention homosexuality at all, except in geometry lessons, where some of the diagrams taught me how to find a loving life with another man.

Clause 28 banned diagrams like this, which taught me about sex.

Gosh, we had enough trouble reducing the age of consent to 16. You may say that boys of 16 aren't ready for sex, but of course the person they have sex with is often a fat man 20 years older, and he's not only ready, he's dying for it! Anyway, we won that battle, and now we're ready for the final battle - the complete take-over of marriage.

The Archbishop's relentless campaign - which lasted all of ten minutes - makes me more determined that the change must come. As I'm typing this I can hear the howling winds, still, loudly outside my window; the waves crash onto the shore, and the rocks on the beach are slowly worn down. Which is very odd, as I'm in a padded cell in London. I think I need more medication. Nurse!

Beasts of England, Beasts of Ireland...

Religious predictions for 2013

January. Paul Inwood complains of the repetitiveness of so many traditional Christmas carols, objecting that he was asked to sing "Oh come let us adore him" three times in each verse of Oh come all ye faithful.

February. The Editor of the National Catholic Reporter resigns in disgrace, and the position is offered to Fr John Zuhlsdorf. However, Fr Z declines, as he has just been appointed Bishop of the Blogosphere.

Episcopus Blogospherae.

March. Justin Welby is enthroned as the new Archbishop of Canterbury. In a moving sermon he pays tribute to the National Health Service, to his predecessor (Baron Waffles of Mumbles) and to his trade union, the National Union of BIshops and LEaders (NUBILE). As an afterthought he mentions God.

April. Tina Beattie holds a grand birthday party, and invites the Pope, Bishop Declan Lang, President Mary Lyons of San Diego, Charles Moore, and James MacMillan. They all accept with enthusiasm. Two days before the party is due to take place, Prof. Beattie cancels all the invitations, saying "fooled you!"

May. The Tablet conducts another survey, asking readers which of the "eight commandments" they think is most relevant to the present day. After it is tactfully pointed out that the canonical number of commandments is ten, Catherine Pepinster withdraws the survey, replacing it with one in which she asks people "How many of the six persons of the Trinity can you name?"

Moses - a Tablet reader.

June. Giles Fraser fulfils his heart's desire on being sent to prison for conducting a marriage ceremony involving three men and an elephant.

July. World Youth Day, Rio de Janeiro. The Pope is involved in an embarrassing situation, when the security guards refuse to admit him, saying that he "looks at least 30." Luckily, he gets in using a Vatican Young Person's Rail Card.

The Pope - looking more youthful every year.

August. It is revealed that Mrs Gladys Mills was a pious Catholic and the grandmother of Damian Thompson. In his new biography Granny Gladys, Damian reveals how he used to go round to her house for cupcakes and a recital of Rachmaninov's latest hits.

September. Richard Dawkins abandons work on his latest theological treatise, 101 ways to kill a Catholic, and comments, "You know, maybe they have a point after all."

October. The Church of England holds another synod. David Cameron posts armed guards outside the doors, and says that nobody will be allowed to leave until they have voted to ordain women bishops. He later denies trying to interfere with the religious freedom of the Church of England.

Did anyone bring some sandwiches?

November. The Year of Faith comes to an end. Liberal Catholics say they found the whole idea too controversial, and propose a Year of Doubt instead.

December. The second film in the Hobbit trilogy (based on books by that woeful traddy Catholic J.R.R. Tolkien) is released. In a surprise move, it is revealed that Stephen Fry is now taking the part of Smug the great Drag.

Great religious bores of today

You know how it is when you get on the bus and someone comes and sits down next to you, even though there are lots of empty seats...

I'm an atheist you know, I don't believe in any of that "sky-fairy" nonsense, I've been reading a brilliant book by that man Dawkins he's an Oxford professor, he was a very famous biologist you see, discovered genes, or DNA, or memes, or something, so he knows what he's talking about.

Genes, or DNA, or memes, or something.

Anyway he's now become an expert on theology, and he points out just how vile Catholicism is, they brainwash the kids you know. See those children over there, going to St Mary's School? You can see that they're mentally scarred by the prospect of ending up in Hell. Oh well, maybe it's because they've got a French test today, anyway, they're not looking very happy, are they? Dawkins says that's worse than child abuse and he's right. He's written lots of books with long words in them, you must have heard of him he's married to that woman on Dr Who...

That woman on Dr Who.

He got up, and another man sat down next to me...

Hello, I'm a deacon you know, you can tell that because I'm wearing a biretta, I'm just as good as a priest really but you'd be surprised just how many priests look down on us and give us all the dirty jobs to do. I do baptisms you know, they're safe in my hands, you don't see many of my baptisms going wrong.

A baptism gone wrong.

The same goes with funerals, they often give me funerals to do because I never smile, but I read a big book about how to do funerals, and the main thing to remember is to stand well back so that you don't fall in the grave, it upsets the bereaved if the deacon falls in the grave. Note that I am wearing a biretta on my head. My wife ironed it, in fact she irons my head flat every morning so that the biretta will fit on top. I've also got a dalmatic, but I don't wear it on the bus, it's white with black spots, because my wife saw a film "The 101 Dalmatics" and this gave her the idea.

The 101 Dalmatics.

I can do exorcisms as well, even though deacons aren't supposed to. I woke up last night and saw the ghastly demon Ek-al-Byar leering at me, and saying "You're not a proper priest," but I said "Begone!" and turned the light on. It had turned into an old coat hanging on the wardrobe door. You see what powers I have...

Finally, another man wanted to share his grievances with me...

You're interested in religion, are you? Did you know that Pope Paul VI was replaced by a replica in 1967? Look at these photos, it proves it.

  

The real Paul VI (L) and the impostor (R).

Note how the impostor has his ring on the wrong hand. They exploited the confusion caused by Vatican II to smuggle a demon onto the throne of St Peter, so it's been Sede Vacante for the last 45 years. Look at the way Pope John-Paul II behaved - first he murdered John-Paul I, and then he bought himself a bent crucifix. It's clearly evidence that he was a demon.

Shocking behaviour by a Pope.

What's more the Mormons posthumously baptised John-Paul II, so that proves he wasn't a true Catholic. And the present Pope is the same. But I have been reading the prophecies of the end of time, and I can tell you there will be only one more Pope after the present one - probably an Englishman called Vincent - after which there will be Armageddon, and then we'll see the present Catholic church destroyed like it says in the book of Revelation.

The rightful Pope, Pius XIII.

Oh, is this your stop? Well, it's been nice hearing your views...