The Book of Covidicus 24 - they think it's all over

Continued from Chapter 23.

1. Two years after the coming of the plague, it was decided that, after all, it was no longer slaying all the world, and had become much weaker.

2. No longer were the people asked to test themselves by waggling little sticks up their noses, screaming in agony, and then dipping the sticks into a mystic potion that could tell them if they were sick.

Congratulations, my son. Thou dost not have the plague.

3. However the rich merchants of Phi-za were still hoping to deliver seventy times seven vixens to every man, woman, and child.

4. Also, the children of Bri-tain stopped discussing the grave issue of whether Bo-sis had eaten a cake on his birthday.

5. Yeah, even Keir of the Labourites no longer mentioned the question more than three times per day.

6. For in the east there ruled a mighty tyrant known as Pu-tin of the Russites, grandson of Sta-lin, great-grandson of Le-nin, and he attacked the land of the Ukrainites.

Pu-tin knoweth his Enemy!

7. And such was his madness that he threatened to use the weapons known as nu-clear if the children of Bri-tain, the land of EUgypt, or even the distant Americas decided to fight.

8. Although the rich merchants of Phi-za promised to produce a vixen that would conquer all radiation as it done the great plague - maybe not the first time, and not the second time, but surely the seventy times seventh time.

9. And all the children of Bri-tain had to do was to waggle little sticks in their noses to discover whether they were emitting the ray that is gamma.

10. In which case, they would simply have to self-isolate in a concrete bunker for forty years.

Concrete bunker Sainte Bernadette du Banlay

11. And the children of Bri-tain cried out, "Oh no, not again! They want us to wear masks as well!"

12. So the monks who wrote the mighty books of Brexodus and Covidicus wondered whether it was time to bring this one to an end and begin a new story.

13. But should it be named The Book of Numbskulls or something else?

The story continues here.

From Russia with Hate

The scene: KGB Headquarters, Moscow. In walks agent 666, "licensed to kirill", Vladimir Mikhailovich Gundyayev, code name Patriarch Kirill. He gives dear Miss Moneyrouble an affectionate greeting, and she tells him that "V" wants to see him.

"Ah! Agent 666, I've been waiting to see you, " says V, who is sitting, as is customary, without a shirt on, supposedly to impress the peasants with the near 70-year-old's virility. "Sit down, and have a vodka martini. Stirred but not shaken, wasn't it?"

The name's Kirill. Patriarch Kirill.

Kirill is too polite to contradict V - or rather he knows that it would be unwise. V goes on to outline the plot.

"You've been a reliable agent ever since you joined us in the KGB in good old Andropov's day. I remember your joking that too much writing subversive literature would make your Andropov! Remind me what you've done since."

"I've been underground for 40 years now, Comrade V, rising gradually in the Russian Orthodox Church. We recruited Dr Nyet and Bishop Ernst Stavrovich Blofeld, and then took over the SPECTATOR organization..."

"Yes, yes, well done, 666."

Kirill again, only without the fancy dress.

"Now, as you know, 666, the Ukrainians have invaded Mother Russia, and we are at war. It is your job to bring the entire Christian world onto our side. What can you do?"

"No problem, V. I will make a speech describing our enemies as 'evil forces' and saying 'we must not allow dark and hostile external forces to laugh at us'. I pinched that from one of Pope Francis's sermons about the Latin Mass."

"Yes, yes, we are certain to win the propaganda war. President Macron has already phoned me three times in order to surrender. But I am worried by Pope Francis. He broke with tradition and invited himself round to the Russian Embassy for tea."

"I see: there's a serious danger here, supreme commander. What if Pope Francis comes out on our side? Then the whole Catholic Church will be against us!"

"You have trouble with rigid neo-Pelagians? Why, so do I!"

"I think we're safe until his next aeroplane interview, 666. But keep up the good work. By the way does that cross on your hat really turn into a guided missile? I must compliment Q."

Not to be continued. I hope.

Eight torture instruments

The quarter-finals of the World Cup of Instruments in Hell went as follows:

Bongo Drums 52.9 v Didgeridoo 47.1

Synthesiser 32.5 v Kazoo 67.5

Tambourine 64.4 v Recorder 35.6

Spoons 20.2 v Vuvuzela 79.8

---

So we move on to the semi-finals and it's time for some pictures.

Bongo drums

versus Tambourine.

Kazoo

versus Vuvuzela!

Results will be posted here as we get them.

SEMI-FINAL 1
Bongo drums 51.9 v Tambourine 48.1

SEMI-FINAL 2
Kazoo 27.8 v Vuvuzela 72.2

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF
Tambourine 27.5 v Kazoo 72.5
BRONZE MEDAL FOR THE KAZOO.

FINAL
Bongo drums 32.2 v Vuvuzela 67.8
GOLD MEDAL FOR THE VUVUZELA, SILVER FOR THE BONGO DRUMS.

Fr Thomas Reese SJ decides to forgive God

As "inspired" by this.

I forgive God. I hope others can too.

By Fr Thomas Reese LGBTSJ.

I see God as a holy but flawed individual who did the best He was capable of.

I first met God in 1994 when I had been a Jesuit priest for 20 years. We Jesuits are well-known for our many achievements in the realms of science, but it is only rarely that we turn our attention to religion. For example, there are the medieval scientists Jacobus Martinus, who was the first person to build a rainbow bridge; Jorgeus Bergoglius, the engineer who worked on rigidity; and Arturus Sosus, who invented the tape-recorder. So it was quite a surprise for me when I first learnt that it was possible to be a Jesuit and also to believe in God.

At the end of my first prayer, I asked for God's blessing — because I sensed I was in the presence of a divine being. But I also knew I was in the presence of a creator who, as Judge Eternal, had done irreparable harm to the church. There were scores of theologians, professors and priests who had been led to believe that they had sinned in some way, generally by disobeying Divine Commandments.

Controversial propaganda, used to attack my friends.

God's problem was that He treated theologians as if they were graduate students who needed correction and guidance. As a result, my last question to the Lord was, "Do you ever worry that you may be judging too much?"

He laughed and responded, "What a silly little man you are."

My own difficulties with God began shortly after I became editor of America Magazine, a journal of propaganda published by U.S. Jesuits. I wanted to make America a journal of criticism, explaining where God was wrong, and why the Bible should be rejected.

For years we had to contend with adverse reactions from God. Not just lightning strikes on the office of America, a voice thundering REPENT! down the chimney, plagues of boils and frogs, but even criticisms from self-styled authorities such as Pope Benedict.

The America offices.

I tried to make America the top journal of dissent, inviting moderate Catholics such as Cardinal Kasper to tell us where the Church had gone wrong, and even asking Cardinal Burke along so that other contributors could mock him point out where he was wrong.

However, it was clear that God was unhappy with the magazine, and it was time to go. Later, the election of that chap from the St Gallen Mafia lifted my spirits a little, as I realised that I was not God's only critic.

God has not asked for my forgiveness. He probably still believes that what He did to me and to numerous theologians was the right thing for the Church, but I still want to forgive Him.

In short, I see God as holy but flawed. He did the best He was capable of. For all of us, that is the best we can say. In the end, finally, only WE can judge.

AI takes over the Catholic blogosphere

Paying people to write spiritually nourishing content is so old-fashioned. I produce my stuff without being paid, and even the Jesuit America Magazine only pays peanuts - which is quite appropriate as its writers are an army of monkeys with typewriters.

We have stumbled across an AI program that will do the tedious writing bit for us. Its address is https://narrative-device.herokuapp.com/createstory in case you want to play with it. You give it a couple of themes, and it does the rest. Thus: "Pope Francis" and "Pachamama" gave me this:

Pope Francis was in a good mood as he walked into the Amazon rainforest. He had just finished a speech to the crowd of indigeneous people who lived there. "Pachamama," he called out to the goddess of the earth, "thank you for the generous gift of this land. I vow to protect it and to always be grateful for your blessings."

That could be taken straight from Where Peter Is and nobody could tell the difference, especially if it went on to explain how Pope Francis was totally right.

As an homage to Damian Thompson, let's give it "Arthur Roche" and "ice-skating".

Arthur Roche was an accomplished ice-skater. He had won many awards and was a member of the best ice skaters in the country. One day, he decided to try out for the national team. He was nervous but hopeful. He skated his best, and even though he didn't make the team, he was proud of himself.

This looks like something from the old Telegraph blogs, or possible the Catholic Herald. Next, what can we say about "Dr Faggioli" and "beans"?

Dr. Faggioli was an odd man. He loved beans. He loved beans so much, in fact, that he would eat them every day, no matter what. Some people found his obsession strange, but Dr. Faggioli couldn't help it. He loved beans.

"Father James Martin" and "bridge" are the heroes of our next piece, which is simply a news item.

Father James Martin, a Jesuit priest, was on a bridge over a river when he saw a man who appeared to be drowning. He jumped into the water and pulled the man to safety.

It may even be true - who knows? Next, a horror story combining "Austen Ivereigh" and "pope".

In an age when the papacy was rocked by scandals and just as the Church was losing its grip on the hearts and minds of its followers, a new pope was elected. His name was Austen Ivereigh, and many people were excited to see what he would do to restore the Church's reputation.

Pope Francis dreams of his successor.

And we'll give "Pope Francis" and "Latin Mass" the final word. Somehow, I think our correspondent has got his wires crossed:

Pope Francis has called for the return of the Latin Mass, the traditional Catholic Mass which is celebrated in Latin. Many Catholics are excited about this change, believing that the Latin Mass will help them connect more with the Church's history.

Well? You heard it here first.

Pope Francis goes on the attack

Pope Francis has finally decided to clamp down on undesirable conduct in the Catholic Church.

That's telling them!

When asked to give more details of the sort of bullying he was referring to, the Holy Father mentioned the case of an unnamed senior archbishop who was trying to stop Catholics from celebrating the traditional Latin Mass. "The fat pasta-filled buffoon is telling bishops to restrict the TLM and drive it underground," he growled. "I can't imagine where he got the idea!"

But it is not just bullying that Pope Francis objects to. "I am shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, to learn that idolatry has been taking place in Rome itself!" he went on. "Some very foolish people have been worshipping the demon Pachamama (some even claimed that she was just another manifestation of the Blessed Virgin Mary!) If I find the people responsible, they'll end up in the Tiber!"

Roundly condemned by Pope Francis.

"I am also disgusted when I hear what is happening in China," he continued. "Some idiot came to an agreement that the Chinese could appoint their own bishops and persecute Catholic priests. Then when Cardinal Zen came to discuss the situation, he refused even to see him! What does he think he's playing at?"

"I saw reports that someone had slapped a poor Chinese woman who simply wanted to talk to me! This violence against women must cease!" he thundered. "All in all, the general administration of the Vatican is a DISGRACE. German synodal paths! Financial scandals! Toleration of the gay Mafia! Bullying the Order of Malta! It has got to STOP, do you hear?"

"All sorts of undesirables think they can get in to see me!"

But all is not lost. Pope Francis has promised to institute a full enquiry into the shocking state of the Vatican hierarchy, with a reporting date not later than 2062.

The World Cup of Instruments in Hell

Or should that be Instruments From Hell? If you go to the "other place", which of course the highly-saved readers of this blog probably won't, what do you expect to hear?

"Welcome to Hell."

This started off as a battle between accordion-haters and guitar-haters, but it soon became clear that there were many other instruments that people didn't want to hear. So let's settle it with a World Cup (then, when we have the 2nd World Cup of Bad Hymns later in the year, we shall know what instruments to play the winners on).

Scotsmen love this. Others, less so.

Here are the nominations so far (apologies if I missed any). If you have others, then please leave them in the comments, or as replies to the Twitter tweet advertising this.

accordion
bagpipes
clarinet
didgeridoo
(electronic) organ
(electronic) piano
fiddle
guitar
harpischord
kazoo
recorder
spoons
tambourine
triangle
ukelele
vibraphone (also known as vibes, 
   but not the good vibes that Pope Francis wants)
vuvuzela
washboard

We'll start when we reach 32 (a convenient number), or whenever I think we've got all we're going to get.

As recommended by the Spirit of Vatican II.

---

Addendum: We now have 32 nominations and will kick off tomorrow.

False communications to be rebranded as jokes

In the UK (and probably other countries) legislation is being formulated to prevent false communications on social media - you know, statements like "Covid-19 is best treated with a dish of prunes and custard", "Vaccines make children big and strong", "Joe Biden is a Catholic". These may even be punished by a term in prison.

As it stands, even joking could be punished. No more "While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How it got into my pyjamas I'll never know." Unless it really happened.

The answer is simple, of course. All false statements are to be rebranded as jokes, usually introduced with "I say, I say, I say!"

I say, I say, I say, this is a real bishop!

Catholics have seized on this with alacrity. Whenever Pope Francis stands up to speak, there will be a loud chorus of "I say, I say, I say!" alerting people that a new piece of doctrine joke is expected.

"Dico, dico, dico, no one can exclude themselves from the Church, we are all saved sinners!"

This device will also be useful when we look at statements from the German Synodesynodesynodekartoffelsalatsynodesynode, their own Synod about Synods about Synods...

"Ich sage, ich sage, ich sage! Let's get the Church to bless homosexual couples!"

So the panic is over. You can what you like, provided that you brand it as a joke. This lets Boris Johnson, Keir Starmer, Nicola Sturgeon, Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau (fill in your own names here) off the hook, as nobody will take them seriously.

"I say, I say, I say, horses really appreciate LGBT propaganda!"

Of course everything you see on this blog is simply the complete and unvarnished truth, so we shall not be using the "I say, I say, I say" formula. Others are not so lucky...

A Morecambe and Wise tribute act: the tall one with glasses and the little one with short fat hairy legs.

Same-sex couple raises Jesuit chick

Barry and Joe, a male couple from the species Presidens Tyrannicus in Washington Zoo, are currently raising a Jesuit chick, which the keepers have called "Tommy".

The happy family.

According to current reports, the couple are doing a "great job" in raising Tommy. Since one of them is a Catholic, they have decided to raise the chick as a Catholic too, which in practice means accepting Joe's moral teaching on abortion, LGBT issues, etc. For a baby Jesuit this is not expected to be a problem.

When Tommy grows up, it is hoped to place him in a Jesuit colony, where he can meet creatures of his own kind such as Martinus Hereticus.

We attempted to interview Joe about his adopted chick, but all we got was some muttering about a "stupid son of a bitch", so we abandoned the attempt. We hope to speak later to his keeper, Jen Psakopath.

To be honest, we don't understand this press release.

In other news, Doris "praying" Mantis is reported to have eaten her husband Sid after a night of passion. Catholic Bishops take note!

Freedom convoy approaches Rome

The "Freedom convoy" of trucks, travelling towards Rome to demonstrate against the restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass imposed by the edict Traditionis Custodes and its sequel, the Made-up Dubia of Arthur Roche, is making good progress. Within a day or two it will be driving round St Peter's Square, honking its horns in a Gregorian Chant.

The convoy approaches the Alps.

Said one long-distance driver, Joe Shaw of Oxford, "When you're on the road for long periods of time, you need to be able to stop occasionally for a TLM. And now this is becoming very difficult for us truckers."

Prime Minister Francis has dismissed the demonstration, saying "The small fringe minority of people who are on their way to Rome hold unacceptable views. These do not represent the views of the Catholic Church, which has been around since Vatican II. Following the New Scientific Mass is the best way to Build Back Better."

A priest invites those stressed by the convoy to breath in and breath out at Mass.

Others have been more forthright in their condemnation of the demonstration. Ivereigh Towers, the faithful attack poodle of Francis, is in no doubt that the Traditional Latin Mass is a sin and needs to be condemned as such. With his usual sensitivity, he has described those who prefer the order and consistency of the TLM to the "make it up as we go along, let's do some heavy breathing now" seen in some Novus Ordo services, as "oddballs". These apparently include the introverted and Asperger's sufferers ("oddballs" is a sensitive term much used by psychiatrists). Somehow he forgot to use the word "fascists" but that will be in his next piece.

"Convoy sighted. Missals Missiles ready, lads!"

Late news: Uncle Arthur Roche, the Yorkshire terrier turned CDW supremo, is driving a bus of TC supporters to meet the convoy. Since he insists on facing his passengers at all times, he is finding it hard to steer the bus in a straight line. So no change there.

The Book of Covidicus 23: let him eat cake!

Continued from Chapter 22.

1. So the new year dawned, and the children of Bri-tain forgot the plague and worried instead about the wild parties attended by Bo-sis.

2. For the street of Downing had been a land flowing with wine and cheese.

3. But the Sages continued to prophesy the end of the world, as did the models of Neil, Son of Fergus.

4. Yet the people refused to die any faster than they had before. So Bo-sis decided to bring an end to Plan B.

5. From now on, it would be possible to enter the grand halls without a vixen, and to rob banks without a mask; and nobody needed to be tested more than five times a day.

6. So the people looked out to more distant parts of the world. For the Russites were ready to fight the Ukrainites.

All is well - the Russites are wearing masks.

7. However, there were far more urgent problems to worry the children of Bri-tain.

8. For on all corners the cry went up "Did Bo-sis eat a cake?"

9. For many this was a step too far, and the cry went up for Bo-sis to resign, and be replaced by Su-nak, or the Lady Truss. Or even Keir of the Starmerites.

10. And at this time Cam-aaron appeared once more, dressed in strange vestments like unto a merchant from Dodji. And the people were sore afraid.

Mayhap Bo-sis was not so bad after all.

11. Then a very aged man called Hess El-Tine was summoned from the dead to say that Bo-sis should go, and that this would open the can that containeth worms.

12. For then, he said, Brexodus should end; that is, the children of Bri-tain should return to EUgypt.

13. So for several weeks the children of Bri-tain talked of little else except parties and cakes.

"Cake? What cake?"

Continued in Chapter 24.

Church Malicious exposes the Apostles!

Welcome to Church Malicious, where lies and falsehoods are trapped and exposed! Or at least they were until we all went mad a few months ago. Never mind, we have some other ideas.

Michael's getting angry!

This piece is a joint effort from the Vorticists, and today we are going to expose the base tyranny of Cardinal Cupich. Only, joking folks! No, as usual we are going to pick on some supposedly harmless group and expose it as a hotbed of creeps, perverts, and weirdos. No wonder they never let us join them!

The Apostles! We can reveal that "Saint" Paul's life was not as saintly as you might think. No, at the time when Stephen was being stoned, what did he do? Sit down and write a blog moaning about it? Pull the other one! (You can let go of it now, Milo!) No, we can reveal that, under the alias of Saul, he collected the coats of those who were doing the stoning. Check it in the Bible if you don't believe our scoop!

We have come across several priests who are fans of St Paul. You can be sure that they are also coat-fetishists with a penchant for stoning people. DO THEIR BISHOPS KNOW THIS?

Why did so many people die when St Paul went on his travels?

Another man who hid under an alias was Simon/Peter, a regular jailbird in those days. He was known for denying Christ! So avoid anyone who tries to defend this wicked man!

These Church Malicious scoops are not the only ones we have up our sleeves - for a mere $10,000/year subscription you can subscribe to our premium service, entitling you to a FREE Voris wig, a personal massage from Milo, and a ground-breaking exposé of any hitherto-respectable organization of your choice: the Mothers' Union, the Little Sisters of the Poor, The Samaritans, St Vincent De Paul Society, ... we've got mud to throw at all of them!

You will also learn more about the Apostles! What sort of doctor was Luke really like? Was Barnabas really "a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith" or was he actually a serial killer? And as for St Mark. If we say "pulling the legs off hamsters" does that give you a clue to his secret life?

We shall sue the Vorticists for using our name - or we would if they were still alive.

Follow the Vortex, as our reputation goes down the plughole!

Doing the Synod Walk

Following a document circulated by the USCCB explaining the "attitudes" required for "walking the synodal path", we felt it helpful to write a chorus you can sing as you do the Synod Walk. For those who don't know the music, there is this. It's at least as good as Marty Haugen's stuff!

USCC-B-attitudes to replace to old Beatitudes.

Anytime you're Synod way
Any evening, any day,¹
You'll find us all
Doin' the Synod walk.

1. In fact, all day long for several years.

Ev'ry little Synod gal
With her little Synod pal,²
You'll find 'em all
Doin' the Synod walk.

2. Of course LGBT couples are also welcome.

Ev'rything's free³ and easy,
Do as you darn well pleasey,⁴
Why don't you make your way there,
Go there, stay there.

3. For financial advice, please consult Cardinal Becciu.
4. Offer does not apply to traditional forms of worship.

Once you get down Synod way,
Ev'ry evening, ev'ry day,
You'll find yourself
Doin' the Synod walk.

Anytime you're Synod way
Any evening, any day,
You'll find us all
Doin' the Synod walk.

Ev'ry little Synod gal
With her little Synod pal,
You'll find 'em all
Doin' the Synod walk!

"We're on the right road, brothers!

But let's be serious now.

Innovative outlook! Inclusivity! Open-mindedness! Listening! Accompaniment! Co-responsibility! Dialogue!

These form the new mission statement for USCCB Inc., the company that cares about YOU. Our USCCB values also include the following:

Thinking outside the box! Picking the low-hanging fruit! Getting our ducks in a row! Synergizing! Blue sky thinking! Drinking the Kool-Aid! Making sure we have the bandwidth! Going ahead to address the elephant in the room!

Sorry, guys, but Faith! Hope! Charity! Fortitude! Justice! Temperance! and Prudence! are SO pre-Francis!

---

LATE NEWS: after inviting comments on Twitter, and receiving a deluge of mocking, hostile responses, the USCCB closed off replies. This is how synods work.

Jesubots recalled for reconfiguration

Following Fr Thomas Reese SJ's description of Earth as one of God's failed experiments we can reveal that he is nearer to the truth than he realises.

In fact he himself is one of a generation of Jesubot androids created not by God but by Vatican II Enterprises in the nineteen-sixties. These were intended as an experiment in Artificial Intelligence, designed to replace the Jesuits, which at that time was an order of holy men in the Catholic Church. However, over the years, the Jesubots have developed numerous faults, and they are now being recalled for repairs, reconfiguration, and in some cases - the LGBT Jimbot - scrapping altogether.

Mighty despots have traditionally employed fools: the Reesebot acts as an artificial substitute.

The most powerful of the Jesubots is the Bergoglidroid, about which many complaints have been registered with the makers. It has been accused of uttering heresy on many occasions - this is a software error that can probably be fixed - and has also taken to systematic persecution of groups of Catholics, along with its (non-Jesubot) sidekick ArthurD2.

ArthurD2 - the malfunctioning droid from Roche Enterprises.

Other faulty Jesbots include the Sosa, which accepts no teaching that is not recorded electronically in its database, and of course the Reesebot itself, with its confused "don't take children to the TLM" burblings, amongst many other gliches.

Waiting to be sent back for recycling.

Other robot manufacturers have realised that they too must fix some of the bugs in their products. For example, it has been a bad week for the Cupidroid (a rejected design from Cardinal Enterprises), which had been programmed to give a message on January 6th about wise men going to the stable to see the baby Jesus. Owing to a short circuit this turned into a condemnation of a bunch of nutters going to the White House to see Joe Biden. This somehow inspired feelings of horror in the Cupidroid's tiny mind (comparable to 9/11, Pearl Harbor, etc.)

A re-enactment of the Normandy landings.

Readers will no doubt have seen faults in other droids by the same manufacturers - although few will be completely broken up for spare parts as was the "Uncle Ted" McCarridroid, a close associate of the Cupidroid. Still, it is good to know that something is finally being done.

Is Pope Francis a Trad?

A Happy Epiphany to you all from me and Pope Francis. Most of the Catholic Church, and many Protestants, agree that January 6th is the correct date. But what is this?

A vicious attack on Pope Francis.

Mr Potato Head (as some people insist on calling him - not my invention) of the Where Pacha Is website was doing so well in his worship of Pope Francis, and this is really a turn-up for the books. Apparently, the American Devout Catholic Church preferred to cut short the twelve days of Christmas and celebrate the arrival of the three kings while they were still at the Royal Dead Sea Hotel, four days from Bethlehem.

This is modernism of which Pope Francis would approve, but of course he has not yet got round to moving all the important religious dates to Sunday (he is still wondering whether Good Friday should be conflated with Palm Sunday or Easter Sunday). So the Holy Father is clearly a Trad!

Not being sure what to do, I sent Cardinal Dolan only four ladies dancing, not nine.

Pope Francis's most recent doctrinal proclamation was an attack on crazy cat women, pointing out that by and large children are better than kittens, at least if they don't grow up liking the Traditional Mass. For one thing, they don't often bring dead mice and birds into the home.

Unfortunately, this may not be in total accord with the teachings of Mr PH.

Advice on child care?

Wise words indeed, but I am not sure what it means in the context of spoiled children. Mr PH is right of course in that the Catholic Church is now 50 years old - we have the Old Testament of 1965 to 2013, and the New Testament of 2013 to 2020 and beyond - but this is the first time I have seen the Novus Ordo compared to a plate of boiled cabbage.

"Arthur Roche was so shocked that his false teeth fell out. Come and get them, Arthur!"

King Herod calls a Synod

Judea, about 2 BC.

King Herod is talking to his advisers about the possibility of murdering young children in Bethlehem.

Herod: Thank you all for coming to my meeting. I hope for the maturation of a true synodal journey.

Youngest adviser: You what?

Herod: Let me explain. Traditional teaching says "Thou shalt do no murder", but I think we may agree that, in the light of accompaniment and discernment, we may re-interpret this as "Thou mayst do murder."

Muttering amongst the advisers, and then the senior one speaks out: "On the synodal journey the most important thing is the process, because it is already the result."

Herod: I couldn't have put it better myself. So, it's agreed then, we kill all the young kids in Bethlehem?

Omnes: Yes, of course. After all, the High Priest has called us on the synodal journey, this is the journey that we must do together, and it is also the occasion for a new beginning.

Herod: Exactly. We can make up doctrine as we go along. Nobody ever called me rigid!