Adopt a Cardinal!

Cradinal Marc Oullet is dellighted to know that Eccles has adopted him.

I was told about a luvvly website called Adopt a Cradinal, which allows people to adopt a cradinal wot dey can support durin de next few weeks while dey is ellecting a new Pop.

De website randomly gave me Cradinal Oullet, wot is Canadian, and seems to be quite a saved pusson on the whole. De Paddy Power bettin site has got him in 4th place at 8/1 odds. Above him dere is Angelo Scola, Peter Turkson and Tarcisio Bertone, but my freind Damain Thopmson says dat one of dem has got bad hair, annuver has got a weight problem, and de third is addicted to cupcakes. So probabbly Cradinal Oullet is gonna win.

Cradinal Vingt-Trois of Paris, disquallified for havvin a silly name.

Well, I has been doin what I can to help Cradinal Oullet. I has been sendin him food parcels, and I telephones him several times a day to see whevver he has any little jobs wot want doin. De last time I telephoned him at 4 a.m. to say "Ullo, Cradinal, I is coming to Rome soon. Is dere anyfink I can do for you when I get dere?"

Cradinal Oullet replied "Just go and jump in the Tiber you pest," which sounds like creul words to me, but I am sure dat if a Cradinal tells you to do it, he gotta have a good reason. My freind Damain says dat Cradinal Cormac often used to tell him to tie weights to his ankles and jump in de Thames: however, he never did it.

Gonna be jumpin from here, probabbly.

Well, dat's all I got time for right now, but I shall say a prayer for Cradinal Oullet, dat he gets de top job, or, if he doesn't, dat he votes for me.

Now, where can I get swimmin lessons?

Magic Circle guilty of "inappropriate acts"

The Catholic church in England and Wales was reeling tonight after claims that a group of "Magic Circle" bishops had been engaged in "inappropriate acts."

Of course, the Scots have been reeling for some time.

An eye-witness, who has chosen to remain anonymous, told us what happened.

Witness: It was late at night, and the organic fairtrade herbal tea had been flowing quite freely, when some of the less restrained bishops started singing inappropriate songs.

Eccles: I see, and what sort of songs were these?

Witness: Well, it started with simple vulgarity like "Shine, Jesus, Shine," but then it became really offensive, and they began to sing Paul Inwood stuff: "Alleluia, Ch-Ch" and similar disgusting things. I didn't know where to turn.

A young Paul Inwood entertains a congregation in Portsmouth.

Eccles: I can see that you must have been really horrified. What happened next?

Witness: Well, I don't like to mention it in polite circles, but some of the bishops then produced magazines, and began reading out disgusting passages from them.

Eccles: Can you name one of these magazines for us? Take your time, if you are upset.

Witness: Well, the main one was the Tablet. There was some horrid woman called Pepinster writing in it: vile, shameful stuff that I didn't think any decent person would dare to put down on paper.

Top shelf only!

Eccles: And what did the bishops think of this?

Witness: Well, some of the bishops left hastily, as I did, but other were rubbing their hands and crying "There's one in the eye for the Pope!" Ugh, it makes me cringe just to think of that evening.

Eccles: Thank you very much, Mr Witness.

Learn Latin, or play Bingo

First, Josephus Shavius of the Latin Mass Society teaches us a new word.

Josephus Shavius, Oxford's answer to Maria Barba.

Today's Latin word, often used by those interested in the traditional Latin Mass, is Loftus, meaning a buffoon or clown.

Loftus, a clown (nominative),
Lofte, O clown (vocative),
Loftum, a clown (accusative),
Lofti, of a clown (genitive),
Lofto, to a clown (dative),
Lofto, by with or from a clown (ablative).

The plural form is Lofti, Lofti, Loftos, Loftorum, Loftis, Loftis.

O Tempora! O Lofti!

A good example of the use of Loftus can be found in Cicero's famous cry against a plague of superannuated priests writing nonsensical essays: O Tempora! O Lofti! This is usually translated as O (Catholic) Times! O Clowns!

---

Next, as Damian Thompson's blog becomes even more like a parody of this one, there is still one good reason to read it.

Damian Bingo!

Yes, make yourself some Bingo cards similar to the one above, and tick off the themes as they (inevitably) appear in Damian's Saturday column.

Noele Gordon, grandmother of Bryony (just for you, Damian).

Eccles in the desert

Since it is Lent, I aint been bloggin during de week, cos I went out into de dessert to meditate on wot it means to be saved, and only came back on Sunday to get some clean socks. Soon I is gonna go to Rome and attend de conclave of cradinals wot is votin for a new Pop: I gotta luvvly red hat so I shuold be able to sneak in OK.

Cradinal Eccles.

I was hopin to go into de dessert alone, but two famuous comic characters wot is reggulars on dis blogg decided to come along too. First dere was my dere Anti Moly, who came laden wiv a big rucksack. "Wot is you carryin, Anti dere?" I asked.

"Rocks," replied my dere relative.

"But dey got rocks in de dessert," I explaned pateintly. "Dey doesn't need any more."

"Not dis sort, you pathetic sockpoppet," she replied luvvingly.

Anti Moly's Rocks.

De uvver one wot turned up was my freind Damain Thopmson, wot is called Holly Smock. I fink it was de word DESSERT wot attracted him, as he kept askin me strange questoins about whevver we would find lotsa custard out dere. I hope he aint gonna be disappointed. Anyways, it explanes why he aint written his usual blogg dis week.

We is on de right road!

Dere aint many desserts near Notting Hell, so we looked for a spiritaul wasteland instead, and ended up in Croydon. Dere I got tempted by de Devil, which is what normally happens to saved pussons. I aint gonna post a pitcher of the Devil, but he is a very charmin man wot is a Director of de Tablet.

De latest issue of de Tablet.

"OK, Eccles," said de Devil. "If you is saved, you gotta eat dem stones, as if dey was bread."

In fact dey was Anti Moly's rock cakes wot she had baked, in case she wanted some sollid food as well as de gin; but I was able to resist de temptatoin, havvin alreddy lost several teeth dat way in de past.

One of my Anti's molybdenite cakes.

De second fing de Devil did was to take me to de top of a Cathlic church and told me to jump off. Dat's de sort of fing dat Anti Moly's been sayin to me for years, so I resisted dat temptatoin too, cos I know what happens next, you gets hurt.

De church wot I didn't jump off, in de spiritaul dessert.

In fact de third fing de Devil wanted me to do was to bow down and worship him, and dat's annuver fing I is used to bein asked, cos my freind Damain Thopmson is always beggin me to do dat. If I ever does it, he will let me write a blogg for de Telegraph, like his uvver acollytes. So I said no to the Devil, cos I doesnt want to write for de Tablet, either.

"Ho hum," said de Devil. "Eccles, you aint no fun. Perhaps you reely is a saved pusson after all."

After he'd gone, de rest of de week was pretty dull. My Anti Moly was naggin me day and night, sayin dat I gotta vote for Cradinal Pell in de conclave, as she was in luv wiv him about 50 years ago. Damain still aint given me any giudance on who to vote for, he says dat cradinals aint been no good since de days of his hero Cradinal Wolsey, wot could reely keep his bishops in order.

Thomas Cromwell, Henry VIII and Cradinal Wolsey.

Well, I'll report again when I gets to Rome. Singed, Eccles (saved).

Designer of the Dawkins dies

Former BBC designer Ray Cusick, who built Dr Who's most deadly enemy, the fearsome monsters known as the Dawkins, has died aged 84 after a short illness.

The Dawkins invade London.

Although originally human, the Dawkins are vicious domineering monsters, incapable of feeling any normal emotions. Originally, they were humanoid creatures whose genes became unnaturally selfish; in their present form they were the creation of Dawkos, an evil genius confined to his own personal chair (the Simonyi chair for the Public Misunderstanding of Religion at Oxford).

Dawkos, in his specially-constructed chair, gestures threateningly.

Terry Nation, the writer responsible for introducing the Dawkin monsters into the Dr Who stories, died in 1997. It was he who was responsible for the main characteristics of the Dawkins, their mesmerisingly robotic voices, and their repetitive catchphrases IN-TI-MI-DATE, PRE-VAR-I-CATE, and IN-DOC-TRIN-ATE.

A Dawkin spaceship prepares to invade some harmless planet.

As we approach the 50th anniversary of the start of Dr Who, it has been confirmed that the Dawkins will re-appear as one of the Doctor's main opponents. Ray Cusick's heirs can be proud that his iconic design lives on after his death.

A young woman attempts to reason with the Dawkins.

Britain's bishops lose their AAA credibility rating

The Catholic Church in the UK was in crisis today, as it was revealed that the Vatican had decided to downgrade its bishops' AAA credibility rating to a lowly CCC.

Bishop Tom Burns: sometimes a card, but never a cardinal.

Several factors had contributed to this lack of confidence in the British bishops, starting with some rebellious comments from Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Kieran Conry, and culminating in a deranged outburst from Bishop Burns.

Kiero fiddles while Tom Burns.

Indeed, Tommy Burns, of the People's Republic of Menevia - a socialist state that somehow escaped the collapse of communism in 1990 - courageously took the opportunity of the Pope's retirement to put forward his own views on Catholicism. Had he expressed such opinions in 2008, it would probably have prevented his promotion from Bishop of the Farces to Bishop of Menevia.

Bishop Burns told the Tablet, a well-known organ of Protestantism: "Conservatism has had its day. It doesn’t work. Despite all Benedict’s efforts, the Church is losing its place in society." Bishop Burns rightly considers that a "place in society" is very important, and he is definitely miffed because he misses out on so many social events.

A Royal Garden Party. Alas, no Tommy Burns!

In a moment of sudden self-awareness, Burns called for a "root and-branch review of the method of appointing bishops." It is thought that he was apprehensive that a lunatic with a totally absurd view of Catholicism might end up being appointed to a diocese such as Menevia.

Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie.

As a side-effect of his meltdown, Tom Burns is now a hot favourite to win the Tablet's new prize competition, Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie. However, expert opinion suggests that a whole evening with the biggest bore in modern British Catholicism may be more than even he can stomach.

Keith O'Brien dances with Flora McHaggis.

Meanwhile, in Scotland, another contestant for the Tablet's prize, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, has made it clear that he has "no plans to marry" Miss Flora McHaggis, a leading piper, even if a new Pope is elected who would permit him to do so. "But I'd like the option," he explained.

---

Pope Who?

In other news, speculation is growing as to which name the next Pope will take. According to a recent poll, the current front-runners are:

1. Cormac;
2. Kieran;
3. Tom;

"Doubting" Tom calls for a root and-branch review of the method of appointing apostles.

4. Hans;
5. John-Paul, John, Paul, or Paul-John;
6. George-Ringo;
7. Damian;

St Damian cured this dog of a cupcake addiction.

8. Z;
9. Eccles (saved);
10. Ye.

Pope Ye: he (also) hath shown strength with his arm.

I've got a little list

With apologies to W.S. Gilbert.

KO-KO

As some day it will happen that the guilty must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of the Vatican's opponents, who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There are atheists like Dawkins who is nothing but a clown
For his books contain the biggest heap of garbage written down -
There's big fat oafish Stephen Fry, who jokes on child abuse,
There must be some point to the man, he doesn't seem much use -

The natural choice to play a pompous, vain, self-loving fool.

Giles Fraser's slightly Christian, but he's far more Socialist -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!
  
CHORUS

He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

KO-KO

There are Catholic politicians, for whom party takes first place 
Like Iain Duncan Smith — I've got him on the list!
Then McLoughlin - known as Patrick - is another real disgrace -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!

Blah, blah, blah. Equal marriage. Blah blah blah.

Then the BBC's Ed Stourton speaks in sympathetic tone
Of all the little heresies and faiths except his own;
There's the lady from Roehampton, she who dresses like a guy,
She is sometimes banned from speaking, but she'd 
                                        'rather like to try';
And that singular anomaly, the lady Tabletist —
I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

 
CHORUS

He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

KO-KO

There are all those suspect clergy, who attack Pope Benedict,
The obsessive modernist — I've got him on the list!
Some gloomy deacons, comic priests and bishops (badly picked) —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
There's the German Prof. who wishes he could sit on Peter's throne,
So modest that he's got a six-foot statue of his own -

O worship the Küng...

And apologetic bishops of a compromising kind,
Such as — Cormac... Whatsit, Kieran... Thingie, 
                                   and Crispian... Never-mind.
There are many who spout utter rot and blame it on Vat II -
The task of finding extra names I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS

You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!

Kieran Corny abducted by aliens

Bob the Builder - note the striking resemblance to Kieran Corny.

The Catholic Church has finally come clean and admitted that Kieran Corny, the much-loved bishop of Arundel and Brighton, was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and replaced by a lookalike, Bob the Builder. Many will know Bob from his catchphrase Can we fix it? to which the reply is Yes, but we're not going to bother.

Some of Kieran's conduct over the last few years has been so absurd that many Catholics have exclaimed in disbelief "Is this man really a bishop?" Now, at last, their worse fears are confirmed, as it is revealed that an impostor was in place all along.

In happier times, Kieran Corny had a big following.

Most recently, Kieran launched an ill-judged personal attack on the outgoing pope, Benedict XVI. Said a critic, "He seemed to be totally unaware of a bishop's duty of loyalty and obedience. He was acting in the egotistical way that one might associate with Ed Stourton, Tina Beattie, or any of the other people linked with that rag, the Tablet."

Ian Paisley (Lord Bannside). "I find the Tablet too harsh in its criticisms of the Pope."

Bob, the Kieran Corny lookalike, has set himself up as the Antipope of the South Coast in recent years. One of his main criticisms has been that decisions concerning the worldwide Catholic church have been taken centrally in Rome, rather than being left to local potentates to decide for themselves. "What's the point of being a bishop if you can't define Catholicism to suit yourself?" he is supposed to have said. However, the Vatican is still refusing to recognise the SSPB (Society of Sussex Pope-Bashers).

A recent portrait of Kieran Corny.

Whether explaining how the Pope should have run the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, attacking Cardinal O'Brien on the issue of same-sex marriage, or simply moaning about Archbishop Roche's new translation of the liturgy ("In Sussex we don't say 'consubstantial' - we say 'being of one thingie, whatever'"), Bob Corny has a track record of ticking off his superiors.

"It's all Greek to me," says Bob.

So it was with a brilliant sense of irony that Corny was appointed head of the Magic Circle's department for Evangelisation and Catechesis - after all, the Catholic church is bound to evangelise much better if it is known to be full of dissenting bishops, and of course these are just the sort of people one would want to be catechised by.

Bob Corny is also Brighton and Hove Albion's star left-winger.

Still the truth is now out: the holy and learned Kieran Corny has been abducted to the planet Tharg, and meanwhile Bob the lookalike has been bumbling around Arundel and Brighton. We should have realised sooner.

The prophecies of St Malarkey

The 16th century (or possibly 12th century) prophecies of St Malarkey are attracting great interest at present, as they seem to make predictions about the next Pope to be elected, suggesting that he will be the last.

St Malarkey.

Certainly, St Malarkey has had a sensational track record of identifying the popes elected in the last few hundred years. Here are some examples of his brilliant predictions.

"Man with glasses" - an unerring identification of Pope John-Paul I.

In 1978, the College of Cardinals must have had St Malarkey's prophecies in mind when they unfailingly elected a man with glasses as the new pope (John-Paul I), in succession to Pope Paul VI.

"Goldfinger" - well, nearly right, it was a goldfinch on a finger.

Likewise, after Pope Pius XII's election in 1939, the mysteriously prophetic word "Goldfinger" was seen to be right on target, for the Holy Father successfully balanced a goldfinch on his finger.

More recently, St Malarkey's prediction of Pope Benedict XVI's election was couched in the word "Koala," which led many to think that Cardinal Pell would be elected. But the good saint had seen further than everyone else, and he knew that the scene below would surely come to pass.

Pope Benedict XVI - fated to meet a koala.

Some of St Malarkey's predictions referred to popes who are now almost forgotten. His enigmatic phrase "short fat hairy legs," for example, led the college of cardinals into a frantic examination of the legs of all those cardinals who were papabile, before they finally elected Pope Ernie the Wise.

"Short fat hairy legs" - Pope Ernie the Wise (R), with an unknown nun.

So what does St Malarkey have to say about the next pope, who will be elected within the next month or so? Simply the word "Comic." Well, our experts have looked around to see who could be meant, and below we reveal the saint's final tip for the throne of St Peter.

"Comic" Murphy-O'Connor (R), with shifty-looking sidekick.

If this election comes to pass, then the end of the world will surely be near at hand.

Bad Hymns 17

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have received a nomination for the hymn which starts "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of Him," and today we welcome its author, Le­o­nard E. Smith, who will explain it to us.

A lovely foot.

Eccles: Leonard, thank you for coming along to talk to us. Now what's all this about lovely feet?

Leonard: It's from Isaiah 52, Eccles. I opened my Bible at random, found those words and noticed that nobody had thought of using them before. So I grabbed them for my hymn.

E: Brilliant idea, Leonard. Let me try doing that (opens Bible). Ah yes, Isaiah 27. And luckily nobody has used these words either!

In that day the Lord with his great and strong sword
Shall punish Leviathan, Leviathan!
The piercing serpent, yes, the crooked serpent -
In the sea! In the sea!

CHORUS: In the sea! In the sea! In the se-e-e-ea! In the sea!

E (doubtfully): But what does it mean?

L: Who cares? It looks like you've got a certain hit there, Eccles.

E: Still, let's discuss your hymn. What's this chorus of yours? It sounds like "I got drains," sung in an American accent. Ah got drains!

CHORUS: I got drains! I got drains! I got dra-a-a-ains! I got drains!

L: If you look at the actual words, Eccles, it's "Our God reigns," and...

E: Our God? Is there more than one, then? No, do go on.

L: We sing those three simple words a total of 24 times in the hymn. Can I claim the record?

E: Possibly, Leonard, I don't remember offhand. But would it be fair to say that, all things considered, reading between the lines, and so on, that you are trying to convey the secret message Our God reigns?

L: Drat, you guessed it. It was suppose to be a subliminal idea concealed in the hymn.

E: Oh, by now I'm quite good at picking these up.

L: Well, shall I write you another hymn before I go? (Opens Bible). Aha! Isaiah 37.

Because thy rage against me, and thy tumult,
Came to mine ears, mine ears,
Therefore will I put my hook into thy nose -
In thy nose, In thy nose!

CHORUS: In thy nose! In thy nose! In thy no-o-o-ose! In thy nose!

E: Magnificent! Le­o­nard E. Smith, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.