The laws of Christianity

With the news that the Vatican is to have its own cricket team, it is clear that some readers would appreciate a handy cut-out-and-throw-away guide to the game of Christianity.

The laws of cricket, however, are well known.

1. In the game of Christianity, there are two teams, called the saints and the sinners.

2. The team of sinners is much larger than the team of saints, and beginners will usually start there. This is called original sin.

Howzat? An original sinner.

3. The object of the game is for the sinners to become saints. The saints will help this, but other sinners will try and prevent this.

4. Declaring one's innings closed is considered bad form, although not against the laws of the game. Causing someone else's innings to end is more serious, and the party responsible loses the game.

5. At various stages in the game a "tempter" will run up and attempt to get past a player's guard. Points are scored for batting away such attacks.

6. The player who is batting has a variety of scoring shots available, all with technical names such as praying, fasting, alms-giving, etc.

7. A cry of "Alleluia!" or "'Owzat?" will greet the end of an innings.

8. There is a Trinity of umpires. Two of these are out on the field, but one is pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise. Their decision is final.

The pavilion at Lourdes cricket ground.

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Meanwhile, as the Vatican decides whether to recognise the controversial events at Medjugorje as apparitions of the Virgin Mary, it has been asked to adjudicate on another controversial event.

Probably NOT Mary.

According to a part-time mystic, Brother Eccles, he was on holiday in the village of Muddlejorge, when he awoke from a doze to see an old lady in the room with him, smelling of gin. She screamed "WOEFUL!" at him, hit him over the head with a bottle, and then herself fell to the floor and started snoring. Eccles blacked out for a while, and when he regained consciousness, the lady had vanished.

A Vatican spokesman said: "As in the case of Medjugorje, this is totally unlike the apparitions of the Virgin Mary that we have so far accepted - Lourdes, Fatima, Walsingham, etc. - in both the appearance and the message of the alleged apparition. However, 'Woeful!' is probably a good rendering of Mary's views of the current state of the world, so perhaps it was a genuine apparition after all. Who knows?"

Eccles's Auntie Moly was unavailable for comment.

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Finally, the Vatican has withdrawn a papal medal where the name "JESUS" was misspelt as "LESUS".

I blame the Lesuits.

In fact, this is not the first time that J and L have been confused in religious circles. In the first century, in an attempt to appease the Romans, St John wrote "God is Jove". However, this was transcribed as "God is Love", and we have had to live with the consequences ever since.

God gets Nobel prize, but Dawkins never existed

Theologians and scientists were equally excited today, as the Nobel Committee announced that the 2013 prize for Physics would be awarded to God.

The tracks of the God Particle (a.k.a. the Higgs Boson).

Press reports at first claimed that the prize was to be award to Professor Peter Higgs, the physicist who first conjectured that there was a missing particle, and, surprisingly, that like him it was called "Higgs". But when it was pointed out that this was the particle without which Mass was impossible, it became clear that in fact God Himself was involved.

Religious leaders were quick to point out that the very idea of a large hadron collider, which involves bodies going round in circles, crashing into other bodies and emitting energy, is based on various well-known church concepts, for example, a synod, or a conclave of cardinals.

Cardinals colliding under experimental conditions.

God has decided to make a statement concerning His Nobel prize, and has broken tradition by refusing to talk directly to a prophet who might take down His words verbatim and make a book out of them. Instead, He has given an interview to an Italian journalist. Unfortunately, the journalist was somewhat deaf and didn't catch everything the "still small voice of calm" was saying. Moreover, his pencil broke (he had not come to grips with modern technology), and so he had to reconstruct the interview from memory.

Apart from that, the interview was a great success, although it is not clear whether God really said: "All this Good and Evil stuff is over-rated, the important thing is to have fun," words which have shocked traditionalists.

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In other news, American Biblical scholar Joseph Atwill has claimed that the comedy atheist, Richard Dawkins, never existed, and his entire story was fabricated by Christians wishing to discredit atheism.

The "floating head" miracle - obviously a fake.

Said Atwill: "We have obtained confessions from a group of Christians, which make it clear that the patently absurd life story of Dawkins was just a propaganda exercise on their behalf. The entity known as 'Dawkins' has been constructed by combining obviously meaningless comments on religion with computer images. It's just surprising that it actually fooled anyone for more than a few moments, but people will always believe what they want to believe."

A "debate" with Cardinal Pell - the wonky Dawkins image is a clear sign of a forgery.

The purpose of the Dawkins Hoax is obvious - as a result, Christian belief is stronger than ever before, and even Islam is experiencing a revival as a result of the straw-man criticisms made by "Dawkins". It has led sceptical people to wonder whether there are other fabricated "celebrities" operating - surely preposterous creations such as Stephen Fry cannot be real?

CWACOTS - a new dissident Catholic group

The Catholic Church was rocked to its foundations today as a new pressure group, CWACOTS - Catholics Without A Chip On Their Shoulder - was announced.

A chip-free zone.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols has met with this new rebel group, and declared himself baffled. "I offered them the use of Westminster Cathedral for gay masses, and the Brompton Oratory for clown masses, but they just said they weren't interested," he said.

So what do CWACOTS, who refer to themselves as the "silent majority" really want? It seems that they simply want to get on with being Christians - loving God and their neighbours - without being messed around by troublemakers.

Some CWACOTS members admire Paul Inwood - but others are music-lovers.

CWACOTS is attracting a large number of people with rather diverse views: some favour the Novus Ordo, and others prefer the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. Few, however, are demanding liturgical dancing, homilies from teenage girls who have just been to India, or services where you are invited to turn to your neighbour during the Communion and tell her all about the spots on your leg.

"I just don't know what to do with such people," admits Vincent Nichols.

So what do CWACOTS members make of Pope Francis? "I think we'll wait until he says something officially," says one representative. "Interviews with dopey journalists, most of whom who don't speak proper Italian, who fall asleep half-way through, and then make up the rest, probably carry slightly less authority than a good solid encyclical." CWACOTS members - shockingly - also tended to trust their parish priest (and even their bishop) to clarify any details of doctrine, rather than relying on what they read in the Daily Mail or the Tablet.

Are you asking for Church teaching to be changed on abortion, same-sex marriage and the ordination of women? "No, thanks. Moral theology is a science you know, we don't expect the rules to change every few years, as if they were drawn up by a bunch of half-witted biologists who got it wrong the first few times!"

"I heard that!"

When asked about the challenges facing Christendom at present, CWACOTS members showed themselves to be genuine rebels: refusing to admit that getting rid of all authority, seizing power, and making doctrine an "every man for himself" matter was truly urgent, they preferred to point to the fact that 95% of Christians east of Suez have now been massacred, and that most of the third world is dying of hunger and disease.

Eccles writes: we apologise for this bitterly satirical - some would say bullying - article, but there is no place in any Christian church for people with such outlandish views.

A Catholic cathedral: why don't you find CWACOTS members demonstrating here?

Television news

Following ITV's attempt to revive its posh soap Downton Abbey by adding a gratuitous rape scene, the BBC has decided to spice up Songs of Praise.

The "new look" Songs of Praise.

Said a spokesman, "We have decided to make Songs of Praise more exciting for those who are not normally of a religious disposition; to do this we shall include scenes of violence in place of the bit where the presenter waffles on about how St Tharg's started up its Gay Grandmothers Support Group in 1662. Next week we shall re-enact the rape of Tamar by her brother Amnon, thus combining incest and rape in a tasteful and spiritually nourishing context."

The spokesman went on to point out that "Songs of Praise" is already regarded as a programme suitable only for those with strong stomachs. After all, it has been known to broadcast scenes of explicit "Walk in the Light", even before the 9 p.m. watershed.

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Meanwhile, in other news, the BBC has announced the discovery in Arundel and Brighton of a large stock of previously-missing videotapes from its long-running series Bishop Who? It includes several adventures which some people thought had never even been made.

Bishop Who demonstrates Venusian ju-jitsu in The Rebels of Acta.

Many fans of Bishop Who will be glad to see The Rebels of Acta again. In this story Bishop Who confronts a bunch of renegade Catholics who have been attempting to change the course of history, and escapes from their clutches with some well-timed Venusian ju-jitsu.

There is also a sub-plot involving Bishop Who's conflict with a mysterious organization called Quest, which attempts to infiltrate the Empire of Arundel.

Fr Blake and his helpers greet the Argoids of Brighton.

Another recovered story is the The Argoids of Brighton, in which Bishop Who courageously defends Fr Blake from the venomous attacks of a poisonous creature. This story later led to a spin-off series, called Blake's Heaven.

A group of time-lords, in ceremonial robes, swearing loyalty to President Francis.

In another once-lost adventure, Magisterium, Bishop Who travels to the Time-Lord Planet of Roma, in order to protect the sacred laws of Humanae Vitae from barbarian invaders wishing to change the sacred teachings on morality.

It is rumoured that further lost stories remain to be discovered, including one, The Bishop's Letter, in which Bishop Who decides that people will take him more seriously if he writes a blog. This plot device is, of course, well-known from Star Trek.

Bishop Kirk dictates his own "Bishop's Blog".

Love and fluffy bunnies

In which Eccles offends nobody.

This is me, Eccles (but without the red biretta).

A few of my recent posts have been a bit too satirical, and misunderstood by people who didn't really get the point - this misunderstanding being encouraged by some deliberate misrepresentation by various unsaved persons. So today I am going to impersonate a fluffy bunny, and show that I can love my enemies: I will offend nobody. After all, you never saw Christ mocking the Pharisees. Well, except in the Bible.

As a carrot in good standing, I wish to protest about fluffy bunnies.

Let's start with my new friend Richard Dawkins. Since I stood up for him in the TEESHIRTGATE scandal, saying that he had a perfect right to wear a "Jesus and Mo" tee-shirt, provided that he didn't mind looking like a vulgar idiot, Professor D. has become one of my greatest admirers. "There's a lot of good in Brother Eccles," he says, and indeed, he has sent me flowers, chocolates, and copies of his greatest books; also, he has invited me to attend a Dawkins-worship service at the Church of Dawkins. I am still undecided about that.

L'élégance Oxonienne - but I don't understand this shirt.

Who is next for the Eccles paw of friendship? Poor Barack Obama has had a bad press here lately, but what's a passion for late-term abortions and a mania for warmongering, among close friends? No, I have plenty of good things to say about him too.

A true comedian: Obama recreates the "silly walks" sketch from Monty Python.

Another politician who needs a little love is Enda Kenny. No, I will not call him Enda Life, nor refer to him as Ireland's shame. He is a pious Catholic, fully supported by the Irish bishops, and the world is a beautiful place.

Enda Kenny - loves all creatures that live and breathe.*

*Offer may not apply to humans. Your mileage may vary.

Another group of people that I have vowed to love is the Tablet staff. Distinguished experts on Human Flourishing such as Tina Beattie, brilliant writers such as Catherine Pepinster, and of course the great Ed Stourton, as a result of whose efforts the BBC is now regarded in many circles as a place where one finds unswerving support for orthodox Catholicism.

"And they roll up their trouser legs like this." Ed explains freemasonry.

Of course Eccles is already on excellent terms with the English and Welsh bishops, and has often praised their faithfulness to the Magisterium and their opposition to organizations such as ACTA. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love ACTA too, I think it's shocking that they live in fear, and that most Catholics are too busy getting on with their daily business of loving God and loving their neighbours to listen to their demands for power. But of course bishops are even more important than the 95-year-old enfants terribles of the Church.

A bishop. Anglican? Catholic? How can you tell?

Well, even fluffy bunnies have their enemies. If any blood-crazed ferrets or foxy deacons are reading this, I love you too, but preferably from a safe distance.

Jesus and Mo tee-shirts banned

In which Eccles makes a new friend.

Atheists were left confused today when they discovered that they were not alone in disagreeing with the London School of Economics Student Union ban on "Jesus and Mo" tee-shirts, which portray Jesus and Mohammed as cartoon characters. Many Christians think the ban is a bit silly too.

A rare moment of truth in "Jesus and Mo".

Although anyone with two brain cells would find them trite, foolish and in poor taste, it is the case that in the eyes of many atheists the Jesus and Mo cartoons are wonderful. According to the J and M web site (and this is true) Richard Dawkins says: Jesus and Mo cartoons are wonderfully funny and true. The New Humanist magazine says: Consistently amusing, frequently thought-provoking and often heart-warming.

Curiously, there are very few quotations from Christians or Muslims, although the Council of Ex-Muslims says: Blaspheming, heretical, filthy Hell fodder (well, yes, that seems to be the point) and Karl Gilberson says: ...humor is humor and this cartoonist doesn't have it (well spotted).

"Richard the dork" tee-shirts are also banned.

Still, you shouldn't ban tee-shirts for being silly and boring - unless they are expected to cause dangerous cases of narcolepsy in those who see them - so on this occasion, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of siding with the selfish genius himself, when he says: I'm 'offended' by backwards baseball caps, chewing gum, niqabs, 'basically' and 'awesome'. Quick, LSE Student Union, ban them all.

This is really rather embarrassing. Having on numerous occasions portrayed Dawkins on this blog as, at best a self-centered buffoon, and, at worst rather a sinister person, I now find myself in agreement with him on something.

I really regret posting this, Richard. old pal.

Actually, seeing an atheist come out in favour of free speech is rather refreshing. To redress the balance, let's see the French police in action against some anti-same-sex-marriage protesters.

Le jour de gloire est arrivé.

So, after being nice to dear demented Dicky Dawkins, we may finish off with a design for a Hollande from Hell tee-shirt. I hope the LSE students will let me wear it.

Stupide? Moi?

Satan "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis

Satan, the Dark Lord, has declared that he is "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis, and hopes to meet him one day.

Satan, as seen in The Bible.

Speaking from his home at the Black House, Satan explained: "I read in The Tablet (a very popular magazine down here, by the way) that Pope Francis had changed Catholic doctrine so that abortion, contraception, homosexuality, euthanasia and stealing priests' bicycles were now all encouraged. Moreover, my colleagues the Archdevil Barack and the Witch of Enda Life tell the same story. What's not to like?"

The Archdevil Barack, as seen in an Egyptian newspaper.

A Vatican spokesman was at pains to correct some of Satan's misapprehensions. "We're not exactly sure what Pope Francis said, or what he meant to say, but I am sure that there's been some misunderstanding somewhere," he said. "If the Pope wishes to turn to the dark side, then as a preliminary step he will probably take up liberation theology, join ACTA, and appoint Hans Küng as his special adviser. At the moment it's definitely business as usual."

Satan admitted that he might have made an error: "Perhaps after all the Tablet has got it wrong. It seems that this Pope is particularly keen on helping the poor and needy. I really can't support people who do that sort of thing. It's more than my job on the Brighton Argus is worth."

Pope Francis refuses to accept a stolen bicycle. So no change there.

Eccles interviews Pope Francis

It is with great pleasure that we print an interview with Pope Francis, "The Pope whom nobody understands," in which we ask his views on a range of fundamental questions.

Eccles: Welcome, Holy Father. We are honoured to have you here today. I hope you will be frank with us, as we explore some controversial issues.

F: Well "Francis" is more usual, but I'm happy to be "Frank" if you wish.

Francis of Assisi, an inspiration to the Pope.

E: Er, excellent. Now, many people are still trying to decide, "Who exactly is Jorge Mario Bergoglio?"

F: A good question, Eccles, and we should not attempt to find an easy answer to it. Clearly, I am not Diego Maradona, even though I see the Hand of God in all things. But then nor am I Pope Benedict. I am reminded here of the motto of a countryman of mine, the Argentine poet Fray Bentos: "succulent and satisfying".

Argentine wisdom.

E: Yes, well I'm sure that commentators will wish to argue over these words for many days, to see whether they are a radical departure from orthodox Catholicism, and maybe a sop to Hans Küng. Let's try something less controversial. What is your favourite colour?

F: This is an issue with which Catholics seem to be obsessed. Green is a colour. Red is a colour. But you would not say that custard was a colour.

E: Isn't custard yellow?

F: Not if it's blue.

However, the Holy Father still left my question unanswered.

E: Let's try another question. Now, I know that infallibility doesn't work that way, but tell me, will it rain tomorrow?

F: I often think of the words of your poet Shakespeare, "The rain, it raineth every day," as well as Damian Lundy's "Rain rain, go away, come again another day." Still, unless Catholics also remember Bernadette Farrell's "The sun has got his hat on and is coming out to play!" they are not ready to face the challenges of the modern world.

E: Thank you very much, Holy Father. Do we have time for one final question?

F: No man knoweth the hour, Eccles. But I think I may give you a definite answer here. We may have time, or we may not have time, but time will continue to exist, regardless. Unless it doesn't.

E: Right. My last question is: Are you going to excommunicate those dreadful rebels at ACTA?

But this question was not to be answered. The Pope smiled enigmatically at me, and I was left to wonder whether he meant "yes" or "no" or, more probably, a definite "maybe".

A tasteless caricature of Ann Lardeur of ACTA.

Daily Mail does a hatchet job

Mesopotamia, 3980 B.C.

The entire population of the world (approximately 10) was horrified today when the Daily Mail published an article claiming that Mr Adam Milligan, father of the well-known farmers Cain Milligan and Abel Milligan, was really quite an evil person.

Adam and Eve "left little to the imagination" says Daily Mail.

Said Cain Milligan, currently Leader of the Opposition to God, "This slur on my father is disgraceful. All right, he and my mother did fraternise with a serpent, and eat forbidden fruit, but thirty years ago this was perfectly normal behaviour - everyone did it - and he was only a fellow-traveller rather than an out-and-out Satanist."

The Daily Mail, however, is sticking to its story, and has published follow-up articles, called, The man who fell in love with his own rib and Adam DID hate God.

An eye-witness interviewed by the Daily Mail.

Critics have pointed out that the Daily Mail also has a somewhat unsavoury history: for example, shortly before Satan was expelled from Heaven, it was publishing headlines such as THREE CHEERS FOR THE MAN WITH THE HORNS AND THE PITCHFORK and SATAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW TO GOD.

Nowadays, support for Satan is limited to occasional articles in papers with vanishingly small circulations, such as the Independent and Guardian.

The Daily Mail may, however, have the last word, as it challenged Cain Milligan to explain the mysterious absence of his brother Abel, who had been expected to take over the leadership of the labourers' party. Said Cain, "I'm afraid he decided to leave the family business and move to New York." Rumours are growing that Cain has actually killed Abel, but he was quick to deny them. Indeed, he produced this photograph which proved, he claimed, that his brother was alive and well, and had not been knifed in the back after all.

A prosperous banana-farmer, possible Abel Milligan.

'Twas on the Monday morning Pope Francis came to call

With apologies to Flanders and Swann.

Now, let me explain this precisely...

'Twas on the Monday morning,
Pope Francis came to call.
He said a lot of clever things I didn't get at all.
It seems, when he explains the faith,  
Things aren't always made clear,
So I went to phone the Tablet up - a rag we all revere. 

CHORUS: Oh, it all makes work,
For the holy man to do!

Now what Pope Francis meant to say was...

'Twas on the Tuesday morning,
Ma Pepinster dropped in,
She told me that the Pope had scrapped the old ideas of sin.
"Abortion is OK now, 
Same-sex marriage too," she said. [said she.]
But this didn't seem too likely
So I e-mailed Father Zed. [Zee.]

CHORUS: Oh, it all makes work,
For the holy man to do!

What did the Pope really say?

'Twas on the Wednesday morning,
Father Z came in pursuit,
He sold me lots of coffee
And he taught me how to shoot.
He told me things were much the same
As they had been before,
But the day after his visit
I found Dawkins at my door.

CHORUS: Oh, it all makes work,
For the holy man to do!

You want me to walk on THAT?

'Twas on the Thursday morning,
That Dawkins rang the bell:
Once he'd got across the threshold, 
Not so easy to expel.
He said, "God's a delusion
And the Catholics are vile,"
So I had to call a bishop in,
To say something worthwhile!

CHORUS: Oh, it all makes work,
For the holy man to do!

This is not usually the way to welcome a bishop.

'Twas on the Friday morning,
The bishop took his turn.
He said "For abstract doctrine,
I have really no concern.
Just do what seems all right to you,
And not what you've been taught."  
It sounds great, but I wanted
To be sure what the Pope thought.

CHORUS: Oh, it all makes work,
For the holy man to do!

On Saturdays and Sundays,
They're busy down in Rome,
So 'twas on the Monday morning,
That the Pope came to my home!

The scansion, as in the original, is irregular, but it works OK if sung.

A medieval French song

The manuscript of a previously-unknown French carol has come to light. It is attributed to the medieval monk Frère Graham Quendrique.

The underdog

Chien j'y sous-chien!
[The singer complains that he is always the underdog.]
Fille d'Islande vif dit farceuse clairet.
[A girl from Iceland says he is lively, but she is a jester who drinks claret.]

The girl from Iceland.

Blé ce spire rite Blaise!
[He invokes St Blaise to condemn a ritual involving binding wheat into coils.]
Ce tour hâtes Enfer!
[This prank hurries one to Hell!]

Beware pagan rituals!

Flou rit va flou!
[Confused, he laughs and goes.]
Fleur de naissance suive graissant merci!
[The flower denotes birth, but afterwards greasing (unction) may follow, thank God!]

Frère Graham looks forward to his deathbed.

Scène de four dur verte,
[The scenery is green, even if toiling at the oven is hard.]
Lourdes en laideur Pilate!
[He goes to Lourdes to atone for the ugliness of Pontius Pilate.]

The ugliness of Pilate.

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H/T brother Ben Trovato for reminding me of Mots d'Heures: Gousse, Rames. An alternative translation of the song may be found here.