The top eight saints

We started the World Cup of post-Biblical saints with 96 fairly good saints, and are now down to the 8 very good ones who have made it through to the quarter-finals. This post will give you the results as they come in. First, the contestants, with links to Wikipedia biographies.

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Benedict of Nursia, 480-547, Rule of St Benedict.

Maximilian Kolbe, 1894-1941, martyr at Auschwitz.

Teresa of Ávila, 1515-1582, nun, Doctor of the Church.

Thérèse of Lisieux, 1873-1897, little flower, Carmelite.

Thomas More, 1478-1535, man for all seasons.

Augustine of Hippo, 354-430, Doctor of the Church.

Francis of Assisi, 1181-1226, founded the Franciscans.

St Thomas Aquinas, 1225-1274, Doctor of the Church.

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QUARTER-FINAL RESULTS

Benedict of Nursia v Maximilian Kolbe

Teresa of Ávila v Thérèse of Lisieux

Thomas More v Augustine of Hippo

Francis of Assisi v Thomas Aquinas

Pope Francis wins a medal

As he comes to the end of his term as president, Joe Biden has decided to give Presidential medals of Freedom to all his best friends: Bono, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, ten people who tried to shoot or at least lock up Donald Trump, Darth Vader, the Emperor Dalek, The Joker, Riddler and Penguin, etc. etc. and last but not least Pope Francis.

The citation for Pope Francis mentioned his humility, his mercy, his synodality, his tolerance of Catholics of all flavours - from the most rigid TLM-aficiando all the way down to those who thought the whole thing was a bit of a joke and really supported Planned Parenthood.

It is believed that Biden will soon be honouring other prominent Catholics, such as Uncle Ted McCarrick and Fr Marko Rupnik.

"We're going to need a longer ribbon, Mr Soros."

Now that Joe and Francis are best mates, the Holy Father has decided to respond by canonizing the president Santo Subito, even though such honours are usually reserved for dead people - not just brain-dead people - and would not normally be conferred this quickly unless the holy person had produced a good website (so Leo XIII, Thomas à Kempis, Pius XII and G.K. Chesterton will have to wait a few hundred years more).

"Here's your halo. We're making you the patron saint of ice cream."

How to conduct a presidential funeral

So, it's happened at last. President George Washington has finally expired at the great age of 292, and it is necessary to give him a fitting send-off.

RIP.

As he was an IMPORTANT PERSON, it seems that a funeral service in the (coincidentally named) city of Washington would be appropriate. Of course he wasn't a Catholic, so it won't be possible to arrange a funeral conducted by his old friend Uncle Ted McCarrick, or even by his equally distinguished successors, Donald Wuerl, Wilton Gregory or Robert McElroy.

Still, George was a devout Christian, and so this should be reflected in the arrangements for his funeral.

THE LITURGY: Include a deeply religious hymn about Heaven, which is where you rather hope he will end up. For example, Hymn 666:

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try:
No hell below us,
Above us, only sky.

A very popular song among some Christians. Later on we have:

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to kill or die for,
And no religion, too.

What could be more suitable? Especially when followed by the well-known prayer "Our Father, who art in... oops!"

And he was such a nice young lad...

THE GUESTS: Invite anyone who is or was a president or vice-president, or who is married to such a person. Never mind that Kamala hates Donald, Donald hates Mike, Joe is dreaming of ice-cream, Bill is checking out all the girls present, Michelle can't stand any of the others and won't come, W thinks there may be weapons of mass destruction in the cathedral, Al is hoping to cash in on the global warming caused by the service, etc. etc.

A rare moment when they're all behaving themselves.

Then watch them greet each other, sometimes enthusiastically, sometimes with a scowl, sometimes by ignoring their neighbours completely. You haven't seen such behaviour since you last went to a Mass/Communion/Eucharist/Lord's Supper and someone kicked you in the shins during the "Sign of Peace"!

You can be sure that they won't spend much time sitting quietly and trying to look holy. They would never have advanced in politics if they were into things like that.

Well, I hope that advice was helpful. Catholics will tend to do things slightly differently, but Pope Leo XIII seems to be in robust health, and it will be a while before a funeral is needed.

In robust health.

The Catholic Advent Calendar 2024

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year of Whatever it is this time to all readers! This is what we found when we opened the windows.

1. Out pops Timothy Radcliffe OP, who becomes a cardinal on December 7th.

2. Women are hardly ever depicted in Catholic art, so it is a delight to show you Luce, the symbol of modern Catholicism. Jubilate Luce!

3. As Joe Biden prepares to fade from the scene, we have here a picture of that *Devout Catholic* giving something to Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood - possibly, a free pardon.

4. A typical three-eyed picture from the pope's favourite artist, theologian and ex-Jesuit, Fr Marko Rupnik.

5. We welcome Uncle Arthur Roche, Vatican hitman, looking unusually holy.

6. Latin Mass may be out of favour, but as an alternative, why not try an approved "indigenous" rite (which you mustn't call the Mayan rite)?

7. Erwin Wurm's outsized hot water bottle on human feet placed next the Stephansdom in Vienna is supposed to evoke "the importance of warming charity in the time before Easter" (quotation from a flyer found in the cathedral).

8. After the excitement of the last few days, we see Cardinal Hollerich relaxing with some liturgical dancing (I think).

9. The French have always had great dress sense ("l'élégance française") and when it comes to modelling "haute couture" vestments Notre Dame has no equal.

10. Coming out today is Fr James Martin SJ, seen here blessing a homosexual couple.

11. We welcome Kevin Farrell, the pension czar, Camerlengo, prefect of the Dicastery for the Laity, Family and Life, and Lord High Everything Else. In his spare time he is a cardinal.

12. These lovely ladies are holding a banner that says "Women priests are here". Obviously a witty joke as there can be no such thing.

13. Yes, it's Austen Ivereigh: papal biographer, fan of Pachamama, and connoisseur of Rupnik's art. Also (it seems) a part-time lumberjack.

14. Besides leading the way in the design of vestments, Notre Dame is also known for its novel concept of an altar.

15. We welcome Cardinal Cupich, who will be watching you carefully to see that you do not kneel for Communion, disrupting the flow of the procession.

16. It's Fr Thomas Reese SJ, known for his "Even Jesus got it wrong" scribblings.

17. This lady needs no introduction.

18. It's Sister Nathalie Becquart XMCJ, winner of the prize for the most synodal synodalist of the 2024 synodal synod on synodality (ladies' section).

19. Let's lighten the mood with a sing-song. Altogether now, "Mary, did you know?"

20. Here comes Cardinal "Tucho" Fernández, author of "Heal Me With Your Mouth: The Art of Kissing" and (mostly) "Fiducia supplicans". Need I say more?

21. Catholics have traditionally liked to worship in beautiful churches that glorify God. So here is a French church (St Pierre Firminy) designed by Corbusier, probably by adapting his plans for a nuclear power station.

22. Here we have one of the real heavyweights, the great Cardinal Reinhard ("Rhino" or "Rainbow") Marx, a keen promoter of LGBT Catholicism.

23. With just two days to go, it's time for us to think of the true meaning of Christmas - SYNODALITY.

24. Pope Francis is seen here admiring the nativity scene, in which the baby Jesus shows solidarity with the Palestinians by lying on their traditional scarf.

No kneeling in Church!

Top Cardinal Blase Cupich (well he has twice won the World Cup of Bad Cardinals) has spoken:

A message from our champion:

Certainly reverence can and should be expressed by bowing before the reception of Holy Communion, but no one should engage in a gesture that calls attention to oneself or disrupts the flow of the procession.

What can he possibly mean? Are people doing the Haka? Engaged in weightlifting (muscular Christianity)? Or pointing at the deacon and giggling at his rose vestments?

Permit Austen Ivereigh, the man with the Pope's ear (he keeps it in the freezer) to explain.

Austen Ivereigh is feeling disrupted.

Apparently, what Bad Cardinal Cupich is referring to is the sin of kneeling. (I don't think I've ever seen anyone throw themselves down, but who knows what they do in the Ivereigh Towers?)

Presumably he's not referring to the TLM, in which *everyone* throws themselves down - I mean, kneels? Thanks to Blase's over-zealous interpretation of Trads Cussed, trying to conduct a TLM in Chicago is now as dangerous as celebrating St Valentine's Day was in 1929, so Al Cupone is unlikely ever to encounter one - not even an LGBTTLM, which is what he would probably prefer.

In the "Hail Maori" rite, these gestures are permitted when receiving the Sacrament.

Anyway, the following showy and disruptive activities are now discouraged in the Catholic Church.

* Kneeling, especially if it delays Dr Ivereigh when he is anxious to go home.
* Genuflecting.
* Making the sign of the cross, or similar showing off how "reverent" you are.
* Saying "Amen" when receiving. Actually the TLM liturgy already acknowledges that this is showy and disruptive, so it is not done.
* Looking unnaturally pious. Or, in general, taking the whole thing seriously.

I hope that helps.

How to resign as head of your church

Mostly on this blog we content ourselves with giving advice on "How to be a good pope" - and you can see the results! However, the Catholic Church can learn something from the Anglicans (apart from useful advice on how to take over other people's church property, how to mess around with the Bible, and how to ordain lesbians). So let's see what we can learn from the dignified resignation of Justin Welby, sometimes called the Archbishop of Canterbury.

"I confess that one of us has sinned. Not me, of course."

It could not happen in the Catholic Church, but suppose you, as head of your church/ ecclesial community/ cult/ coven were revealed to have have protected people guilty of sex crimes. One day the outcry will be too great, and you won't have popesplainers imamsplainers primatesplainers to protect you. So you stand up and make a speech.

Here are some useful tips on how to do this. They can also be useful if you go into the confessional.

* Tell weak jokes. This is always a good move. "I say, I say, I say, Father. I've just killed my parents. Go gently with me, as I am an orphan."

Pause for laughter. Not a sausage. Oh well, carry on.

* Don't take any blame. "I regret, Father, than some grievous sins have been committed by members of the church to which I belong." Don't add "It was me, in fact."

* Another tasteless joke. "They say that heads must roll. Let me tell you a joke about the archbishop whose head was used as a football. You'll laugh, I know you will!"

* Finally, make yourself out to be a martyr. "It was inevitable that someone should suffer for these sins, and it had to be me. Now all I have left is a fat pension and a book deal for my memoirs."

The bishopess of London cannot stop giggling.

Catholic Church finally agrees on something

Following the Black Friday on which the British House of Commons voted to legalise Assisted Suicide (giving doctors a Licence to Kill, à la Shipman), there is one faint ray of sunshine.

For the first time since the 1960s the Catholics have agreed on something!

"Are you sure we're not on a slippery slope, Kim?"

No matter whether they are SSPX or Happy-clappy, whether they refuse to talk to anyone except in Latin, or whether they refuse to use even Latin terms like "et cetera", whether they are "Trads" or readers of "Where Peter Is", all British Catholics are united in condemning this legislation. Why, even Tina Beattie is against it!

Not all the bishops spoke out against it (or not loudly enough for me to hear), but Nichols, Wilson, O'Toole, Egan, Davies, Swarbrick, McKinney and Stock, at least, deserve gold stars on this occasion.

Praising Vin and Tina together! Can this blog cope with such things?

Well, I thought, there must be some exceptions! How about Austen Ivereigh, the fan of Pachamama and Rupnik? Surely, he at least won't let me down when I'm looking for targets? But no, the gnome is on my side too!

Confusing it with Brexit and getting the date wrong, but otherwise 8/10 for Austen.

OK, so there we are, all Catholics are united, as far as I know. Life is hard for the satirical blogger.

Now we can unite to fight against the world, the flesh, the Devil, Kim Jong Headbanger Leadbeater, Enid Rancid Esther Rantzen, ...

Oh, but I forgot one thing. Our views are influenced by our religion. And, according to Lord Falconer, that means WE SHOULD SHUT UP! Only atheists, agnostics and devil-worshippers are allowed to express opinions.

I'm not bigoted about religions - I hate them all!"

Let's finish with something I wrote in response to a suggestion from Fr Dwight Longenecker. The Anglicans (who are a bit less hardline than Catholics when it comes to being pro-life) will need a liturgy for blessing services of Assisted Suicide.

We come to say farewell to our brother Eccles.
Who looketh a bit fed up, so it is time he went.
Who beareth the means of exit?
𝐈 bear the pillow of suffocation.
Blessed be St Esther of Rantzen, who hath ordained this.
Amen.
Thy life is ending. Go in peace.
Yippee! (Or he may say "Thanks be to Kim".)

Liberal priests announce sex strike

In protest against the election of Donald Trump as president of the United States of America, many liberal priests have decided to join sex symbols such as Whoopi Goldberg (age 69, weight 69 stone) and Jane Fonda (age 86) in refusing to provide sexual services for the next 4 years.

"From now on I shall concentrate on eating - it worked for Arthur Roche."

Several leading Trumpophobes are LGBTSJ Jesuits, and it is believed that their leader has vowed "no woman shall know me in the Biblical sense for the next 4 years". Similarly, Cardinal Tobin has promised not to send dubious "Nighty-night" greetings to any women in this period.

Miss Greta Luce (age 21 but looks much younger) has also undertaken to remain chaste in solidarity with the liberal priests "although what the Vatican Anime Dicastery chooses to do with my image is beyond my control."

What could possibly go wrong?

So what will these virtuous religious leaders find to occupy their time? Kenotic decentering is very popular in some circles, and athletes of synodality find that sitting round a table for weeks on end helps dispel impure thoughts. We wish them luck in this new endeavour.

The World Cup of post-Biblical saints - nominations requested

I am asking for trouble here, as I shall probably be swamped with nominations.

I decided to make this world cup post-Biblical, first because the Blessed Virgin Mary would certainly win otherwise, and second because even if she were excluded, we'd only end up with final rounds including obvious people like Peter, Paul, James and John (at a guess).

This is what a saint looks like.

NOMINATION RULES.

1. Only saints not mentioned in the Bible will be allowed to enter.

2. You may nominate up to 3 canonized saints (no mere blesseds, please!) If you nominate more then only the first 3 will be recorded. Please nominate either by replying to this blog posting, or by replying to the advert in Twitter/X. I will probably not reply to you, but I will take note of legitimate nominations.

3. No changing your mind - I don't want to fiddle around with last-minute changes. What you say first, goes.

4. I shall add a few top saints of my own, if they are omitted.

5. Voting will be by means of Twitter polls as in previous world cups.

6. My decision on all things is final, not to say infallible.

This is what another saint looks like.

ADDENDUM: After 3 days we have 96 entries, which is a convenient number, so nominations are now closed. The World Cup will start within the next day or two.

Answering your Catholic questions

In these turbulent times, leadership of the Catholic Church is not all it should be, and so many people come to this blog for spiritual guidance. Let's go!

Q. Who is Luce? What is Luce? Why is Luce?

A. The year 2025 sees a Jubilee of the Catholic Church. Now, we had a very exciting Jubilee of Mercy in 2015-16, with the wonderful logo of a 2-headed 3-eyed cyclops on skis designed by Top Catholic Artist Marko Rupnik. This one will be different, and Luce, designed in the well-known Anime Christi style has been chosen to represent the true essence of the faith.

Of course this is not the first time a woman has had top billing in the Catholic Church. For many years the Blessed Virgin Mary was an object of veneration and adoration, but she has now fallen out of favour with the Vatican, perhaps for being too "traditional".

St Joan of Arc - also rejected for being too rigid.

Anyway, if you are a faithful Catholic, you probably already own a crucifix, some rosary beads, quite possibly a scapular. BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LUCE YOU AIN'T SAVED! Got that?

Q. What is a synod on synodality?

A. Well, nobody really knows. Some say it is like a meeting on meetingality, or a workshop on workshopality. Perhaps it is more like a congress on congressality, or - like Vatican II - a council on councilality.

Of course, instead of putting a lot of moaning minnies in a room for several weeks, the whole business could have been settled more cheaply another way (see below):

Pope Francis summons his experts for a Zoom on Zoomality.

The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

BAD HYMNS October 2024

Gold: Mary, did you know?
Silver: Gather us in.
Bronze: All are welcome.
Fourth Place: Lord of the Dance.

SYNODAL JARGON (2024) November 2024

Gold: forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality
Silver: the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process
Bronze: athletes and standard-bearers of synodality
Fourth Place: understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion

Coming soon: Saints (in some form), and Pope Francis insults.

The 2024 World Cup of Synod Jargon

On about October 8th, when we have decided what the worst hymn is, we shall start the 2024 World Cup of Synod Jargon. The 2023 World Cup voters decided that "a new way of being Church" was the winner, and "a kenotic de-centering" came second. This year's World Cup will include 16 new entrants received since the previous World Cup, and exclude all the 2023 heroes. After all, a key principle of synodality is to reject everything that was good in the past.

Here we go again!

The sixteen extrants are:

a real Copernican turning point
a snippet of 'conversation in the spirit'
a multidimensional impact on churches
a new theology which gives 'flavour'
athletes of synodality
breathe synodality into academic theology
circularity animated the synodal process
discernment is synodal
forgiveness for the sins against synodality
mission is always synodal
passes through a relational conversion
preserve harmony in your discernment
socio-cultural diversity in a multifaceted church
teaching us to be bread for others
the synodal methodology of conversation
which aspect of 'PLACE' is important?

For practical reasons (because the entrants are quite long they are hard to fit into a tweet), there will be a simple knockout competition conducted by Twitter polls, and no group stages.

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SEMI-FINALS, with the full version of each bit of jargon. Illustrations produced by the Copilot AI program.

forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality 83

understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion 17

athletes and standard-bearers of synodality 41.2

the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process 58.8

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion 45.9
athletes and standard-bearers of synodality 54.1 BRONZE MEDAL

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FINAL

forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality 72 GOLD MEDAL
the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process 28 SILVER MEDAL

It's Radcliffe Mania!

Are YOU organizing a synod? Well, if not, why not? Have you not heard the Holy Father tell us that the essence of Catholicism is its synodality? You should eat, drink, breathe and sleep synodality (especially the last if it gets to be too boring)!

Musical chairs at a synod party. Take one away and see which synodder can't find a seat when the music stops!

All right, I've persuaded you. There are lots of excuses for a synod - a birthday synod, a baptism synod, a wedding synod, a funeral synod... If you can't think of a good reason, just send out invitations to a few friends - 400 should be enough - to sit round tables in a sinister-looking hall for a week or two.

Now you will need an official retreat master and spiritual advisor to deliver a series of talks and meditations to the delegates during the assembly of your synod. And this is where Radcliffe Mania comes in - everyone wants their own Timothy Radcliffe!

A Radcliffe impersonator - an old sheet, a cheap wig and a bag of heresy.

Just look at what you'll need to guide your synod:

* A president at one of the infamous Soho Masses.
* A man who recommended the film Brokeback Mountain.
* A man who rejects the Church's teaching on homosexual relations.

Sounds like Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, doesn't it? But no, Jimbo is only second grade material - he won't be a cardinal until the consistory after next! The flavour of the day is Tim Radagast.

Oh, did I mean Radagast or Gandalf?

Anyway, we are soon going to see a new-look Radagast the red. Out goes the white sheet, in comes a red sheet. A nice red hat will complete the effect.

However, when off duty, Cardinal Radagast prefers brown vestments.

Well, I hope this article has been helpful to you. We can't all be Timothy Radcliffe, but it won't be difficult to dress up as him, to entertain your synodal guests. As for retreat talks and meditations - well, make up what you like, but nothing too Catholic. Right?

Fun for all the family!