What are you giving up for Lent?

As seen in the Catholic Herald.

We asked some friends of this blog to tell us what they were giving up for Lent this year.

Prof. Massimo Faggioli.

When you live entirely on ice-cream, as I do, there is no food that you can reasonably give up. Likewise, my every waking moment is spent in explaining theology to less intelligent mortals by means of insights so profound that even I don't understand them; so it would be dangerous to make any changes, since civilisation would collapse without my brilliant epigrams.

Pope Francis.

Being the humblest pope who ever lived, I have no luxuries in life that I can give up. Likewise, I have no vices worth speaking of, Eccles. How dare you ask such an impertinent question! SLAP!

Cardinal Dolan.

It is important to show self-discipline during Lent, and so I am giving up health food - salads, spinach, fruit, etc. - and sticking to a diet of giant steaks, suet, and sticky toffee pudding. It will be hard for me, but I know that this penitential regime will do me good.

Prof. Tina Beattie.

What a sexist question! By asking me that, you're implying that women are inferior to men, aren't you? Just you wait until I get ordained and you want ashes on your forehead... they'll be so hot that you'll end up with scar tissue, you pig!

Fr James Martin SJ.

I shall give up reading the Bible in Lent - I disagree with most of it, anyway. Still, I shall miss the absorbing tale of how it took a humble carpenter's son 30 years before He was able to do miracles successfully, and even then everyone misunderstood His teachings until I came along.

Dr Austen Ivereigh.

People have asked me to give up my worship of Pachamama, my idolatory of Pope Francis, and my "brain-rotting" writing. But I thank God that I am unlike other men, and have no vices worth speaking of.

Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI.

I am giving up tea for Lent, and indeed I am handing over my stock of Yorkshire tea to this new chap. I much prefer beer, anyway.

Prof. Richard Dawkins.

Well of course we have all outgrown the idea of Lent, as something that only religious extremists celebrate. So when I mention that, following an outcry, I have decided not to eat any human flesh from now on, this is not to be interpreted as a foolish religious fetish, but merely the wise decision of a venerable professor who is fed up with having bricks thrown through his window.

Fr Antonio Spadaro.

If 2+2 can equal 5, then the 40 days of Lent can equal 32. Thus, for the first week it isn't Lent at all, so why bother?

Pope Francis slaps down Fr James Martin LGBTSJ

No, he probably didn't. Conservative and liberal Catholics united today to explain that reports that Pope Francis SJ had criticised his faithful adviser Jimbo Martin SJ were incorrect.

"This handshake is not to be interpreted as meaning that I like you."

For the conservatives, the case is clear. Jimbo is Francis's blue-eyed boy. He may spend his time pushing anti-Catholic teaching, but doesn't the Holy Father do that all the time? Why, if Francis wasn't 83 years old and suffering from sciatica, he'd be rolling along to one of Jim's Ignatian yoga classes and sticking his legs behind his neck like the rest of them.

For the liberals the case is clear. Fr James Martin is one of the Catholic Church's greatest scholars, teachers, sages, a living saint, and great fun at LGBT retreats. How could he possibly be criticised by Pope Francis, who is one of the Catholic Church's greatest scholars, teachers, sages, a living saint, and great fun at synod parties? There, there, Massimo, calm down and put some ice cubes on your head - your mighty brain is overheating. And Jon Sweeney-Todd, biographer (ha ha!) of Sunny Jim, do stop screaming at people.

Anyway, Archbishop Wester says that during the time he was actually awake, he didn't hear any comments that could definitely be referring to Sunny Jim in a way that might have suggested or implied that he was in any way less than perfect. So QED.

"Today it takes Jesus two tries before he can heal a blind man in Bethsaida."

Following on from this, we are fortunate to be able to publish an exclusive statement from Fr James Martin on "Things God couldn't quite manage."

* God needed six days to create the Universe because He couldn't do it any faster.

* Noah's flood was caused by God accidentally leaving a tap running in Heaven.

* Jesus turned water into wine as He didn't know how to do whisky.

"A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water! Please!"

* When Jesus asked "Whose head is on that coin?" it was because He really didn't know.

* Likewise, "Who do people say that I am?" was an attempt to catch up on the gossip.

* Walking on the water was really accidental, it can easily happen if you don't look where you're going.

* Finally, our Lord rose on the third day as the first two attempts failed.

Thank you, Fr Jim! It all goes to show how things can go wrong if you don't have a Canaanite woman to advise you!

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 27

Continued from Chapter 26.

1. So Richard continued to grow in years, if not in wisdom.

2. And he spake out, saying, "Let us consider eugenics, dearly beloved. It worketh for cows, horses, pigs, dogs and roses. Would it not work for humans?"

3. For Richard was dreaming of a Master Race of biologists, wise in the ways of the selfish gene.

4. Such people would naturally become experts in religion without needing to study it.

5. They would know how to deal with mighty theocracies by sending them lewd images, such as are known as the no-graphy of the poor.

6. They would be as fertile as the cow, as swift as the horse, as plump as the pig, as fearsome as the dog, and as fragrant as the rose.

"The Master Race shall feed on the finest honey if they can't get human flesh."

7. However, the people mocked him, saying, "Richard, by thy wibblings thou hast done wondrous things for the cause of the Lord God, but thy praise for eugenics shows thee to be as mad as the hatters of Wonderland."

8. However, Richard was undismayed, for he had recently written another book, designed for young people, and entitled "Outgrowing God."

9. For the publishers had said, "The children have had their brains washed with the word of the Lord, and it time for us to wash their brains with the word of the prophet Richard."

10. However, the children were unconvinced by the word of Richard, saying "Look, we may be only four years old, but even we can see that the ontological hypotheses underlying his Kantian rejection of the Almighty do not hold water."

"Hey! The God Delusion is even sillier!

11. However, Richard was undismayed, for the book was a bestseller, being Number Twelve Score and Five in the Times List of Barking Mad Books by Dotty Professors.

12. And so the long spiritual journey of Richard continued towards its very distant end.

Continued in Chapter 28

Corrida Amazonia - papal bullfight disappoints the fans

In a breach with (post 2013) tradition, the new papal bullfight, Corrida Amazonia, contains nothing obviously identifiable as heresy, no ambiguous footnotes, and really nothing to get excited about.

However, the use of "song, dance, rituals, gestures and symbols" is encouraged.

The Vatican is now knee-deep in water following floods of tears from Austen Ivereigh and Christopher Lamb. Back in Roehampton, Dame Tina Beattie is screaming at the inherent sexism of the whole apostolic exhortation - no prospect of women priests, or even male priests doing what their wives tell them, for the foreseeable future.

Cardinal Marx has jumped off a cliff (according to my contact in Rome), seeing that his plans have been thwarted, and has decided to hand over the German Bishops' Conference to someone else (there's this old man called Ratzinger who doesn't have much to do these days...)

This is where Cardinal Marx landed.

Already cries for Pope Francis's resignation are coming from the liberal wing of the Catholic Church. "I'll give him Wounded Shepherd," said an angry Austen Ivereigh. "By the time I've finished with him the title won't be metaphorical."

Meanwhile, Emeritus Pope Benedict and Future Pope Sarah have been seen stocking up on champagne, as they work on their next book, provisionally entitled We told you so.

Still, at this time we should spare some thoughts for Pachamama. With the words "it is possible to take up an indigenous symbol in some way, without necessarily considering it as idolatry", the Pope has affirmed that those ugly bits of wood still have a role to play in the Catholic Church. So, no papal knighthood for Alexander Tschuggel for the time being?

Querida Pachamama!

Meanwhile the St Gallen Mafia is desperately looking for a Pope Francis 2.0. Cupich? Tagle? Marx?

Time to cough up your Eccles pence

Well, if Fr Z can put this worthy cause on his blog, then maybe I can too.

The story so far: Mac McLernon, a.k.a. Mulier Fortis, a.k.a. saved traddy blogger of Margate, a.k.a. Crazy Cat Woman, is about to get her car repossessed by the Pound of Flesh Finance Company. Since she is disabled, this would make life very difficult for her.

Not actually Mac's car.

So, rather than give your Peter's Pence to that man in Rome who will misspend it on making pornographic films about Elton John (actually, it would be difficult to make a film about Mr Dwight that was suitable for family entertainment...) or supporting very dodgy left-wing political causes; etc., give it to Mac!

(BREAKING: Pope's tax return published:
1) Things that are Caesar's: rendered.
2) Things that are not Caesar's: squandered.)

The late Cardinal Furretti.

Anyway, if you can give, go HERE. At the time of writing she needs another £1,200 or so, but of course massive donations are also welcome:

£1,000,000 buys you an evening out with her crazy cat.

£10,000,000 buys you an evening out with Cardinal Burke, Fr James Martin SJ, or Austen Ivereigh (you choose)*.
*Possibly.

£100,000,000 sponsors another (saved) cat for Mac, which will be named after you.

Give generously. Yes, I mean it.

---

ADDENDUM: the "save Mac's car" target has been reached and we are now on to the "make Mac an extremely rich woman" fund. Well, not really.

... and a certain poor widow offered her mite.

The mysteries of the Vatican

The Eccles Detective Agency always tries to maintain the confidentiality of its clients, so that we are unable to reveal the identity of the elderly man who summoned us this week, asking us to solve certain mysteries that were bothering him.

Our unknown client "B".

"Eccles," said our client. "I have always relied on your advice. So can you tell me, where's Gänswein? Usually he comes to see me every day, but recently he's disappeared without trace. Also, I've received an anonymous note saying 'If you want to see Georg alive, then stop insisting that you were an author of From the Depths of Our Hearts.' Clearly, they are trying to silence Georg. Can you find him for me?"

"I'll do my best, Holy Father, er, I mean B." I said. Curiously, in passing through the Vatican dungeons earlier, I had seen someone who looked strangely like the missing archbishop. Could it be he?

See if you can spot Gänswein, Viganò, Tschugguel...

"Also, see what you can find out about the mysterious Chinese woman who was slapped by Pope Francis. Someone looking a bit like her has just turned up (with her bodyguard this time) to be reconciled with the Holy Father. Is it the same lady? If so, why has she aged 10 years? What did she want to talk to him about? Could she perhaps be a secret agent in the pay of the New Chinese Communist Catholic Church?"

"Could you answer some Dubia for me, please?"

That was going to be a difficult task. The only Chinaman I had ever seen in the Vatican was dear little I-va Ree, the court jester. But I promised to do what I could. There came one final question.

B showed me a particularly ugly-looking postage stamp that he had been given. "And what in Heaven's name is this? Is it a rejected sketch from the British graffiti-artist Banksy? The Vatican is full of beautiful works of art dating back hundreds of years, so why do they put this ugly thing on a stamp? Who is it supposed to be, and why does he have the words "JUST USE IT" on his robe?"

I could see that to solve this mystery I would need to call on my knowledge of morbid psychology, as much as anything else. It did remind me of the first time that the British Christmas stamps had been designed by unskilled children, rather than anyone who knew the first thing about art. Could there be an explanation here?

Don't give the Vatican ideas!

The investigations continue.

Useful Latin phrases for Candlemas

Tempus fugit candelae exstinguendae.
You should have put those candles out ten minutes ago.

Capilla ardentia.
Your hair is on fire.

Nescivi mantillas combustibiles esse.
I didn't know that mantillas were inflammable.

Infans cines.
I told you not to give a candle to your child.

Iacite aquam sanctam!
Throw some holy water over him.

Novem novem novem.
Fire brigade? We have a problem.

"Must be Candlemas again."

Brexodus 21 - Bosis departeth from EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. In the last month of the fourth year, Bosis returned as leader of the children of Bri-tain.

Bosis meeth the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon.

2. So he went back to the House of common people, whence the Squeaker known as Ber-cow had departed, and a new Squeaker, Linus the Holy, ruled in his place.

3. And now by virtue of his superior forces Bosis was able to obtain an agreement from the House of common people.

4. Thus the people of Bri-tain girded up their loins and packed up their tents, ready to leave, as they had done at least twice before.

5. And the Lord decreed that those who wished to remain in EUgypt could no longer force the people to ungird their loins and unpack their tents.

6. For there was a man named Jolyon Mammon, whose parents had named him after a place in which strangers might drink tea.

Mrs Mammon chooseth a name for her baby boy.

7. Jolyon had spent much gold in trying to stop the children of Bri-tain from leaving EUgypt.

8. But on the day of boxing the Lord spake unto him in a dream, saying "Dress in thy wife's garments, grab thy mighty club, and slay the fox that dwelleth in the garden." And Jolyon obeyed.

9. After this, he spent no more time in the courts of law, trying to hinder Bosis.

10. Meanwhile, the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, was being plagued by Farogs and Widdy Spiders from the party of Brexodus.

11. Her uncle, the Pharaoh Juncker, had also seen them, but believed them to be a dream caused by looking too much on the wine when it was red. Although in truth, merely looking was not his real problem.

12. But Ursula of Lebanon knew that the Farog and Widdy Spider were real, and agreed finally to let the people depart.

A plague of Farogs and Widdy Spiders.

13. Thus all was ready for the people to depart on the last day of the month. But those who wished to remain tried once more to stop them.

14. For they cried in a loud voice "The Leavites are Gammons! Racists! Stupid people! We shall die in the wilderness when we can no longer feast on the leg of the frog and the very agreeable kraut that is sour."

15. And Bosis commanded the bells of Benjamin the Big to ring out in triumph on the day of departure. But it was not so, as they were being mended.

16. Nevertheless, at the eleventh hour of the last day of the first month, the children of Bri-tain marched to the banks of the Red Sea.

17. Then Bosis called for his staff (Dominic the Coming) and used it to part the waters of the Red Sea. And the children of Bri-tain crossed the sea on dry ground.

Bosis, horribly aged by the stresses of the last few months.

Continued in the Book of Covidicus.

Church of England apologises for temporary lapse into Christianity

Yes, I thought of that title before Father Z did...

Following a special emergency meeting between the Archbishops of Canterbury and York, the Church of England has apologised for a statement made last week pointing out that for Christians the proper context for sexual activity is marriage between a man and a woman for life.

"It was a temporary lapse," explained their Graces. "We normally reject any teaching that originates earlier than the 16th century, when our blessed founder Henry VIII told us what to believe. But everyone was away that day, and the C of E was temporarily being directed by a teenage intern who somehow obtained access to a Bible."

"All we can say is that we experimented with Christianity, but now that the Guardian has complained, we are happy to back down. Our main activities continue to be investment in profitable companies and providing funfairs in our cathedrals. Oh, and nice cosy Evensongs."

"Giles Fraser is furious!"

The statement issued by Welby and Sentamu continued with the usual obligatory bishopese when moral issues need to be discussed: "...building bridges... difficult conversations... on the one hand... on the other hand... in a very real sense... two sides to every question... division and hurt... more tea, vicar?... we welcome all beliefs and none... a broad church... we don't want to preach at you... it is 2020 you know..."

Speculation is mounting that the intern's approval of the Ten Commandments may also have to be withdrawn. "If we have to stick to 'Thou shalt not steal' someone is going to ask us to hand all our charming churches back to the Catholics. If we are not allowed to bear false witness, then Justin's comments about 'a cloud hanging over the reputation of Bishop Bell' might need to be retracted."

Support from an unexpected quarter...

For the Catholics, Cardinal Marx has rushed to confirm that the German Church (whatever that may be) has long since realised that Christian teaching is unsuitable for the modern era. "We are happy to bless all sexual relationships," he explained. "Different-sex, same-sex, those in which partners are non-binary, insects..."

Our reporter asked "Do you mean incest?"

"No, insects," explained the good cardinal. "A lot of German Catholics like to make love while self-identifying as giant insects. Who are we to judge, provided that they pay their church tax?"

A pious German Catholic.

Pope Francis really does resign

Rumours circuating in the Vatican were confirmed today, when Pope Francis finally announced his resignation. "My work here is done," he said. "I have united the Catholic Church, sorted out China, put Catholic doctrine on a firm and unambiguous basis, cleared up all the questions of the Vatican finances, got rid of all the perverts and junkies, and in general ushered in a new era of Catholicism. In conclusion I would like to state infallibly and ex cathedra that... aaargh!"

The "aaargh" is not a new piece of doctrine, but was the result of a mass rush onto the dais when it was feared that the Holy Father might say something incredibly stupid ex cathedra, rather than, as is usual, ex aeroplana or ad Scalfarium.

"It's been a lot of fun!"

So Francis fades into obscurity, having vowed to spend his declining years in (a) learning how to pray; (b) writing his memoirs to correct the errors of Austen Ivereigh; and (c) trying to chase up that Chinese pilgrim whom he impatiently slapped... "so that I can give her a real walloping". Now we have a Pope Emeritus Senior and a Pope Emeritus Junior, and the question is: who will be next?

Well, it can't be Cupich (too heretical), Marx (too fat for the chair of Peter), Tagle (too pathetic), Sarah (too African), or Burke (too American). So here is our hot tip:

Cardinal Saito has been hiding in the Burmese jungle since the 1960s, and has never heard of Vatican II. When he first went there as a young priest, all Masses were in the extraordinary form, clerical sex abuse hadn't been invented, men were real men, and popes were real popes (or at least as real as John XXIII). Owing to a clerical error, Saito was raised to the College of Cardinals by Pope John-Paul II, even though nobody had heard of him for 40 years.

The Cardinal who came in from the cold: Saito smites a heretic.

Support for Saito is gathering among all sections of the College of Cardinals, as someone who can start the Church off with a clean sheet, and who is totally uninfluenced by Freemasonry, Liberation Theology, Modernism, Feminism, Wokeness, etc. If elected, he will restore everything in the Church to how it was in 1960. Of course his habit of running around with a machete, shouting, "Kill the heretics" is not likely to endear him to everyone. Still, you heard it here first. Look out for Pope Goliath!

Conversion of St Donald not universally popular

Syria, 35 AD.

Many Christians have welcomed the recent conversion of Donald of Tarsus, who recently "saw the light" on the Damascus March for Life. Not previously seen as a major religious figure, Donald is now expected to be a play a significant part in the development of the Church.

"I heard a mighty beating drum, and knew that it was evil."

We asked St Donald whether he would be expressing his teachings in a selection of epistles, which might later be collected for publication. Apparently, he tends to communicate in shorter theological documents called "tweets", and the plan is to number them and arrange them as verses. The first collection will be called the First Epistle to the Democratians.

Donald's previous life has of course not been irreproachable. There was a stoning incident, known as STEPHENGATE, in which he is said to have been involved - so much so that he was even impeached for this. Still, there is more joy in Heaven over one sinner that repenteth than in 99 Tablet readers who need no repentance, as someone once said.

A very senior churchman, St Philip, has welcomed Donald's participation in the March for Life, and this seems to be the officially correct attitude to take. However, Tina Beata, the Holy Land's expert on Human Flourishing, disagrees.

Oops! St Donald (also known as The President) made the mistake of not being female.

The Prodigal Son

1. There was a man who had two sons, William and Harry.

2. The younger son said, "Father, give me my share of the estate. I wish to become independent.

3. For my wife Meghan hath had enough of opening abattoirs in Goole and recycling centres in Basingstoke.

4. She wisheth to return to the holy wood of her forefathers, wherein she may be a celebrity without any duties, save to speak voice-overs for him that is called Disney.

5. Although she hateth the orange man that is called Trump, and will for the time being retire to Canada, where the black-face man ruleth, he that is called Trudeau."

The father is grieved on hearing of his son's wish to depart.

6. And thus Harry and Meghan left the family that is known as royal, and began to squander their wealth in wild living.

7. Indeed, Harry forsook the title of "Your Prodigal Highness" and changed his name to "Mr Sussex".

8. They went into the market-place and tried to make their fortune by selling useful items, under the name of "Sussex Prodigal".

9. But, alas, nobody wanted to buy a carbon-neutral biodegradable gluten-free halal antiracist clockwork hedgehog that played "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" even if it did bear the label "Sussex Prodigal".

10. So after Harry had spent the fortune that his father had given him, he was sent into the fields to feed pigs.

11. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

Mr Sussex feedeth the pigs.

12. Thus he came to his senses, and bade Meghan return with him to the house of his father.

13. He said to his father, "Father, I have sinned against Heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

14. And his father said, "Let us welcome back my son who was lost. Bring the fatted calf and kill it! After that he can rejoin the family.

15. There is a public convenience in Wolverhampton that he may go and open. Let him make a hard-hitting speech, explaining how much the world needs such conveniences."

16. But Meghan spake out, saying, "For shame! We will only eat a low-fat vegan calf. Thou art a racist and a sexist beast."

17. Thus Harry went back to the pig farm again.

18. And they all lived happily ever after.

Brainteaser

F, B, S and G are senior clergy of unimpeachable moral character.

However, G asserts that S lied when he denied that F said that B had claimed that S had contradicted G's testimony that B had admitted that F had told S that B had not said that G thought F had overheard G telling B that S was wrong to deny that B had told F that S had sworn that G had dismissed G's claim that F had reported that B had told S that F was proclaiming that G's account of the conversation between S and B was to be accepted... whom do we believe?

Answers on a postcard to Eugenio Scalfari.

"But didn't G tell you that B had refused to comment?"

Francis and Benedict agree a deal

The scene: Emeritus Pope Benedict's apartment. Benedict is sitting at a desk, putting his finishing touches to a new manuscript "From the depths of the Joy of Love", soon to appear as a collaborative venture with Cardinals Burke and Brandmüller (I wouldn't be so sure about that). Enter Archbishop Georg Gänswein, perturbed.

A crisis in the Vatican!

Gänswein: Holy Emeritus Father, we're in a mess here. The other Holy Father is seething with rage at your book with Cardinal Sarah. He's already slapped six pilgrims today, and he's wearing boxing gloves for his audience this morning. He says Pachamama is very angry!

Benedict: But what did we do? The book simply restates traditional Catholic teaching. Oh... I see the problem...

Gänswein: The attack poodles have been deployed. The big hitters such as Ivereigh, Beans (he's been tweeting non-stop for 48 hours, having injections of gelato to keep him going), Mickens, ... not to mention the small hitters such as Rich Raho the dunce of the class.

"Look, it's only Rosica who takes credit for other people's work."

Benedict: What does Sarah say?

Gänswein: What can he say? He wrote some of the book, you wrote some of the book. This is what we technically call a joint work. But the Fat Controller wants you to say that Sarah was the author, and all you did was wake up and nod occasionally as he read the book out.

Benedict: Ask the guys at Ignatius Press what really happened.

Gänswein: We did. They used Ignatian discernment (following a spot of Ignatian yoga) to determine that you really are one of the authors.

"The Ignatius Press is one of my favourite yoga positions," says papal aide-de-camp Fr Jim.

Benedict: Look, I don't care. I don't need the fame or the royalties. Imagine having to do a book tour like poor Ivereigh, where only two children and a dog turn up to each lecture, and the dog won't stop howling. I'll take my name off it, on one condition.

Gänswein: Anything...

Benedict: Tell Francis to take his name off Amoris Laetitia. It could be labelled, "By Lorenzo Baldisseri in discussion with Pope Francis."

Gänswein: That could be the deal we're looking for!

Pope Benedict writes a book

Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI has written a new book in collaboration with Cardinal Sarah, and the reviews are already coming in from influential people who haven't read it.

Robert Mickens, once fired from the Tablet for being an utterly vile person:

"Why isn't the Rat dead yet? He's got no right to carry on living after he abdicated. I sent him a coffin for Christmas but he refuses to use it. Anyway, he seems to be totally gaga, and obviously didn't write the book."

Causing a meltdown in liberal circles.

Massimo Faggioli, the thinking girl's sex symbol:

"The pope emeritus operates in the political-mediatic ecosystem with a freedom typical of the neo-liberal ideology: what the market can bear." (Yes, he really said that. It's a theology professor's way of saying "Shut up, Benedict, you're yesterday's man. When you became Emeritus they took away the keys to Heaven and you stopped being infallible. I'm allowed to express my views, but you are not. So shut your gob.")

"I only wanted a cup of coffee, but when I started to explain the multilayered crisis in the hermeneutics of her menu, the waitress ran away screaming."

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who needs no introduction:

"I am in two minds here - swinging both ways, you might say. Pope Benedict is a good man, but we can't have him setting up a parallel magisterium, following 2000 years' worth of dead popes, in conflict with Pope Francis's new magisterium. Besides, did you know that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene?"

Austen Ivereigh, Pope Francis's official attack poodle:

"I have it on good authority from Fr Nosuchperson that Benedict has been in a coma for the last seven years, and could not possibly express an opinion on anything. I blame that unscrupulous courtier Cardinal Sarah for making up the whole thing."

"Here's looking at you, Austen!

Ricky Gervais slams the Vatican

The host of this year's Holy-wood "Golden Globes" award ceremony, Fr Richard Gervais, best known for his comedy show "The Holy Office", was taking no prisoners this week.

It was clear that he did not like any of the films or actors winning awards, and he did not hesitate to say so, accusing most of them of blasphemy and hypocrisy.

Fr Richard Gervais.

"Look at The Pachamama Synod," he said. "This has been nominated for numerous awards. The plot involves Catholics praising wooden idols, which are then thrown into the Tiber. But look at the wooden actors we had singing praises to the idols - not one of them would pass for a real Catholic. The producer missed a trick too - in real life it is the worshippers who would have been thrown into the river."

Wooden actors singing to a wooden idol.

"Another unbelievably bad film is The Two Popes," he added, "which stars old Joe Ratzinger and Jorge Bergoglio. We see this Benedict character voluntarily going into retirement, to spend his declining years in praying and drinking beer. Meanwhile, we are asked to believe that this implausible 'Francis' character is elected Pope and promptly proceeds to demolish the Ten Commandments, one by one. What a display of overacting from Jorge! No real pope has behaved like that in two thousand years!"

The famous endurance scene - which pope will stand up first?

"I hope that no awards are given to The China Syndrome," continued Fr Richard. "This is a film in which control of the Catholic Church in China is given over to a murderous dictatorial regime. The Chinese lock up Catholic priests, appoint their own, and rewrite the Nicene Creed so that it is all about that arch-villain Chairman Mao. The scene in which Pietro Parolin rolls on the ground and lets the Chinese tickle his tummy is totally disgusting. Jorge Bergoglio's cameo role slapping a Chinese pilgrim was also a highly inappropriate bit of comedy in what is supposed to be a serious film."

Spot the mistakes.

In the end it turned out that the only film that Fr Gervais has liked was The Fat Cardinals, in which two overweight prelates engage in Sumo wrestling. "Timmy Dolan and Rhino Marx were never very convincing when they were miscast in religious roles," he said. "Casting them as overweight lumps of lard was a stroke of genius."

Dolan and Marx get to grips!

Fr Richard repeated his condemnation of the hypocrisy of the cardinals present, who he said had been totally neglecting their roles as shepherds of the sheep. It is not thought that he will be invited to next year's ceremony, and maybe someone less controversial such as Carlo Maria Viganò will host it instead.

The ancient art of Papa-Slappa

As a public service to our readers, we shall explain the art of Papa-Slappa. This is the traditional Catholic form of self-defence, analogous to the Buddhists' Shaolin Kung-Fu, the Muslims' Allahu-Akbar, and the Anglicans' Wishee-Washee.

A Papa-Slappa white-belt master prepares to strike.

In the modern Catholic Church, all weapons are condemned, and so Jesu-i masters have developed techniques of self-defence known only to those Jesu-i knights who have reached the highest level. Rather than hitting each other with light sabers, the Jesu-is use Papa-Slappa to subdue their adversaries.

The basic technique is to lure the victim into a false sense of security, so that they believe they will receive a blessing, or at least that their petitions will be heard. Then WHOP! and they are left reeling.

A scene from Return of the Jesu-i featuring the robot MA55-1MO.

Traditionally the Swiss Guard have been armed with light sabers and other offensive weapons, but under the guidance of Jesu-i master O-be-goglio they have been asked to abandon these arms and train in the skills of Papa-Slappa instead. As we said at the Amazon synod, when worshipping wooden statues, "May the farce be with you!"

Another demonstration of Papa-Slappa is about to take place.

WARNING: Papa-Slappa is NOT a game. It is a martial art that requires years of practice and can cause serious injury (the Chinese lady in our first picture is currently convalescing in the St Nicholas home for wounded Catholics). Initiates should begin by practising with less aggressive martial arts, such as the Kissa-Peace, before attempting Papa-Slappa.