The eight worst synodal horrors

So the World Cup of Synodal Horrors, a little diversion to prepare you for the heretical bedlam expected in October, has reached the quarter-final stage.

The knockouts start on August 22nd, and the results of the final stages of the competition will be reported here.

Here we go... Treebeard the Ent is coming along too.

The draw is as follows:

Dr Austen Ivereigh 69.6 v Sr Nathalie Becquart 30.4

No congratulatory kiss for Sr Nathalie, as Austen's great experience gives him an easy victory here.

Bp Georg Bätzing 22.2 v Fr James Martin 77.8

Class tells, as Jimbo's long experience of undermining Catholic doctrine easily brushes aside the promising newcomer.

Cdl Blase Cupich 47.8 v Abp Víctor Fernández 52.2

The world's worst cardinal loses his first ever battle: sheer nastiness is not enough to see him through against the kissing bishop.

Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich 37.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 62.9

Uncle Arthur takes the cake here. The Hell Choir (anag.) cannot stop him.

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SEMI-FINALS

Dr Austen Ivereigh 31.7 v Abp Víctor Fernández 68.3

Ivereigh the veteran horror is swept away by the passionate newcomer.

Fr James Martin 69.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 30.9

Two old friends of this blog slug it out, and England's last hope is eliminated.

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

Dr Austen Ivereigh 47.6 v Cdl Arthur Roche 52.4

Bronze Medal for Uncle Arthur, as he brushes aside the poison Ivereigh to take 3rd place.

FINAL

Abp Víctor Fernández 54.1 v Fr James Martin 45.9

Golden-calf "Tucho" pushes past silver-tongued Jimbo to win the competition. Now, boys, no fighting - please kiss and make friends.

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To finish off, a few horrid synod-related pictures, most of which have already appeared here.

A little-known novel by Jane Austen

Spiritual exercises.

Our experts have been told how to respond to all enquiries.

No room for Father, Son, or Holy Spirit, but never mind.

"Coming out" - a new book from Martintrash (TM)

• Was Pontius Pilate the "beloved disciple" in John's Gospel?
• Did Mary Magdalene write Matthew's Gospel?
• Was Lazarus the "he who is without sin" who cast the first stone?
• Were the Gadarene swine really gerbils?

These are questions that have baffled New Testament scholars for generations, but now Fr James Martin SJLGBT, author of the best-selling "Learning to Prey", has all the answers!

Did the demons really say "Cast us into this flock of gerbils"?

From the man who told us that :

• at one time the entire Catholic Church consisted of Mary Magdalene;
• the Holy Spirit is female;
• it took Jesus two tries before He could successfully heal the blind man;
• He took advice from the Canaanite woman about what His mission was...

we have the answers to questions that left Ambrose, Aquinas, Athanasius and Augustine (also lots of people whose names come later in the telephone directory) saying "Cor strike a light, I haven't a clue about these!"

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Gregory the Great.

Note the title "Coming out" - was Lazarus really LGBT, and was this a hint from Jesus that he should recognise his true identity and move to New York? Well, I won't spoil the book for you by revealing all the secrets.

Already the critics are praising "Coming out".

Top Synodist, Dr Jane Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis, the great redeemer", "The Pope Francis keep-fit book", "Go away, Austen, I'm trying to sleep", and "Synod and Synodality" is full of praise for the book.

Hang on, Eccles, he really said that!

Eccles recommendation: Lose no time in reading this book!

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 30

Continued from Chapter 29.

1. Two more years passed, O Theophilus, and Richard continued to rage against God, and especially the Catholics and Muslims who, for different reasons, were serious in their beliefs.

2. And the liberals cheered him, saying "This Dawkins is one of us", and indeed he had won the prestigious "Services to Godbashing" award from the British Godbasher Association, the even more prestigious "Carpet-chewer of the year" prize from the American Carpet-chewer Society, and the very wonderful "GOD-EX-TER-MIN-ATOR" medal from the Dalek colony in outer space.

Those were happy times for Richard.

3. But the world was moving on, and those who favoured liberal opinions suddenly found that they needed to change their beliefs with the times.

4. For in Richard's youth it had been well known that there were just two sexes, indeed "male and female created He them" was considered to be an obvious truth, at least if rewritten as "they had either male or female genes, although we don't believe in any Creator, ha ha!"

5. But there arose a myriad of other sexes, carefully renamed as genders, except when used in expressions such as "Gender Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll".

6. Indeed, Joanne of Warthogs, writer of 7 books, each longer than the previous one, had been cancelled because she refused to move with the times, and insisted that all people were either male, female, or Snape.

7. Thus the liberals said "We will buy all the copies of her books and burn them". Which did not distress the lady Joanne too much.

The train that Joanne wished to take was also cancelled.

8. Then Richard spake out too, and for once he decided to speak out about something he knew about.

9. "Sex really is binary. No question about it. Simply look at your selfish genes, and you can tell what 'gender' you are, and you cannot change it," said he.

10. And there were howls of rage from the liberals, who had now renamed themselves "Wokes" with the slogan "Be kind".

11. "Richard is a hater! Cancel him! Exterminate him! Buy all his books and burn them!"

12. "Richard is literally Hitler!"

"I agree with Richard!"

13. And the Mouthfoaming Association of Loonyville, California, withdrew Richard's prestigious Moathfoamer of the Year award.

14. But Richard refused to recant his beliefs, although he was embarrassed to receive an invitation to join the Vatican Synod of Synods and the Muslim Synod on Infidel-smiting as an external expert.

Continued in Chapter 31

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

World Cup of Synod Horrors - nominations please!

In memory of the recently deceased Synod O'Contrick, one of the great enemies of the Catholic Church, we are now going to run a World Cup of Synod Horrors.

The official list of the great and good is now posted, so we can see who will be redesigning Catholic teaching for us.

So at last we have a world cup in which both Cardinals Cupich and Roche (from last year's World Cup of Bad Cardinals) and James Martin and Austen Ivereigh (from the 2019 World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists) can meet on equal terms. Plus a few others who are ready to walk with them and tell the Holy Spirit what He has decided (is this the right language?)

My list so far is the following. Are there any others on the official list who should be added before we do another Twitter X-rated poll?

Abp Charles Scicluna
Abp Víctor Fernández
Bp Georg Bätzing
Cdl Arthur Roche
Cdl Blase Cupich
Cdl Christoph Schönborn
Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich
Cdl Joe Tobin
Cdl Jozef De Kesel
Cdl Kevin Farrell
Cdl Luis Tagle
Cdl Mario Grech
Cdl Michael Czerny
Cdl Pietro Parolin
Cdl Robert McElroy
Cdl Seán O'Malley
Cdl Timothy Dolan
Cdl Wilton Gregory
Dr Austen Ivereigh
Fr Antonio Spadaro
Fr James Martin
Fr Timothy Radcliffe
Sr Nathalie Becquart

We will exclude Pope Francis.

Catholic Church to be renamed "Y"

In a desperate attempt to modernize the Catholic Church, Pope Francis announced today that from now on, the social media organization religion will no longer be called "Catholic" but will be rebranded as "Y".

The new flag includes a humble "Y" (in the Catholic Silly Font, naturally).

Out will go the old-fashioned "cross" logo - Pope Francis is hoping that his very-popular three-year synodal progress will come up with an alternative. "Perhaps something based on the rainbow," suggested his close confidant Fr James Martin LGBTSJ. "That's Biblical, isn't it?"

Fr James Martin jets in.

"The name 'Y' came to me by divine revelation," explained the Holy Father. "I looked out of my window soon after we announced Traditionis Custodes and I had a vision of a multitude of Catholics all shouting 'Y, oh Y, oh Y?' Make a note of that, Austen, it can go in your next biography of me as an evidence of my saintliness."

In response to this radical change, Mr Elon Musk, the well-known rich person, commented "What a silly name!"

The last 8 royal saints

The results of the final rounds of the World Cup of Royal Saints will be posted here as we have them.

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Quarter-finals, starting on July 11th.

Elizabeth of Hungary 61.1 v Charlemagne 38.9

A surprisingly easy win for the Hungarian nurse, putting to flight the mighty emperor.

St Margaret of Scotland 48.3 v Stephen I of Hungary 51.7

Well, the Hungarians are walking away with this, but at least this one was very close.

Jadwiga of Poland 64.5 v Charles (Karl) I of Austria 35.5

The Poles managed to drum up a massive support for the lesser-known Jadwiga. Will she go all the way?

Louis IX of France 52.3 v Edward the Confessor 47.7

Another close round, and the plucky English boy goes out.

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Semi-finals, starting on July 19th.

Elizabeth of Hungary 51.7 v Louis IX of France 48.3

By a very narrow margin the Hungarian girl casts down French hopes of a victory for "les bleus".

Stephen I of Hungary 35.6 v Jadwiga of Poland 64.4

The Poles continue to muster their army of supporters, and Stephen is swept away.

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Third place playoff.

Louis IX of France 46.4 v Stephen I of Hungary 53.6

Big Steve takes the BRONZE.

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FINAL

Elizabeth of Hungary 24.3 v Jadwiga of Poland 75.7

The Polish army sweeps the board. GOLD for Jad, and SILVER for Liz.

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Details of the last eight.

Elizabeth of Hungary. C13 princess, saint.

St Margaret of Scotland. C11 queen, saint.

Jadwiga of Poland. C14 monarch, saint.

Louis IX of France. C13 king, saint.

Edward the Confessor. C11 English king, saint.

Charles (Karl) I of Austria. C19/20 emperor, blessed.

Stephen I of Hungary. C10/11 king, saint.

Charlemagne. C8/9 emperor, beatified.

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition! Our main weapon is kissing... kissing and healing... two main weapons. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three main weapons. Oh, and adultery. I'll come in again.

You are charged with the crime of quoting Monty Python yet again.

Consider this post as another item in our long-running series "How to be a good pope" - designed for those who went to a conclave and were elected to the top job by an overwhelming 120 votes (this slightly surprised you, as there were only 115 cardinal-electors, but then your mates in the St Gallstone Mafia weren't taking any chances!)

Remember the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition? Well, it's now called the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith, which doesn't sound nearly as impressive. And it needs a new boss. The first chap to run the show was Antonio Ghislieri, who later became Pope Pius V and a saint, so you must be very careful to choose a successor of equal merit.

St Pius V - not known for writing books about kissing.

Anyway, you seem to have found the ideal candidate. You already have a track record of brilliant appointments to dicasteries - the Catholic World is lost in wonder at the exploits of Arthur "Two-dinners" Rogue in the Divine Worship office - and your old pal Archbishop Victor, alias "Touchy-feely", looks like a worthy successor to Pope St Pius V.

A quick look at his CV shows that he wrote a book called Kiss me quick, baby. A guide to healing. We're hoping that this will be made into a blockbuster film, with Austen Ivereigh in the role of the great healer. Moreover, Touch-feely helped ghost-write your own bestselling Amorous Letitia, the story of a libertine who was welcomed back into the church and (I never got that far, but I'm guessing) ended up as a Jesuit priest. This sort of thing is guaranteed to annoy the rigid backwardist indietrists who are making life so difficult for you.

Now, Touchy-Feely, how do you plan to "sex up" Catholic teaching?

Good. You've made another brilliant appointment. Box ticked.

What's next on the agenda? Oh yes, sending the boys round to beat up Bishop Strickland, who's been stepping out of line by giving a moral lead. No problem...

The synod of bishops will welcome (nearly) everyone

It's the day the whole Catholic Church has been waiting for: the Instrumentum Laboris for the forthcoming Synod of Synodal Bishops on Synodality (sponsored by Bud Light) is released. This is the result of lengthy discussions and the use of sophisticated AI (so NOT Austen Ivereigh), and the common theme is ALL ARE WELCOME.

As Cardinal Jean-Claude Hollerich points out, we need to welcome persistent adulterers, LGBTQSJ+- people, and even the bigamists! They may receive communion - indeed, why not let them act as Extraordinary Monsters of Holy Communion?

The Hell Choir (anag., 9 letters) is singing!

We must also welcome female deacons, and this includes transgender deacons and those who self-identify as cats. Give them a friendly stroke (the cats, that is) and a saucer of milk! Welcome any dead mice they have brought in to Mass!

But this is only half the story. Following representations from Pope Francis's best mates, we shall now be pleased to encourage:

* Abortionists,
* Child abusers,
* Rapists,
* Embezzlers, and of course
* Idol-worshippers.

I think this includes most of Francis's bosom pals. Hi, Emma, Marko, Gustavo, Giovanni, and the Pachamama club!

From the Austen Ivereigh Art Collection: we welcome the drunk addicted to custard pies!

Of course there are some classes of people that cannot POSSIBLY be welcomed. Anyone who wants to celebrate the traditional Latin Mass... anyone who asks embarrassing questions about Amoris Laetitia (bye, bye, Burke!)... all indietrists, backwardists, self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians, faithful Catholics, ...

I hope the bishops have got the message now.

Late news. There is one category of Francis mates that we forgot to mention. And, for once, there is a Biblical justification to it, since Christ told us to feed the hungry. Yes, here we are!

We welcome the gluttons!

A guide to Reformation Architecture

Many people travelling round Britain have visited architectural wonders such as Fountains Abbey, Rievaulx Abbey, Byland Abbey... oh, there are too many to list separately. The Tudor Reformation style of architecture is very distinctive - it is generally very minimalist with no roof, no walls, no doors, no windows, etc. Or at least very few.

Whitby Abbey, designed by Henry VIII.

The problem with medieval abbeys - prior to the 1530s - was that they were ugly, cumbersome things, which contributed to Climate Change. Henry VIII was very aware of this problem, "We shall all be dead by 1547!" he said, and his case he was quite correct. So an emergency "Net Zero" campaign was launched, led by his third wife, Queen Greta, Duchess of Thunberg.

Tintern Abbey - note the well-ventilated, low-carbon construction.

Carbon emissions were reduced to zero, as there were no longer any fires. Unnecessary architectural features such as walls were removed. The only heating allowed was by windmills and solar panels; however, since nobody really understood electricity in those days, the monks found the new eco-abbeys very cold in winter, despite the fearsome global warming that was going on around them, and they all left.

Bolton Abbey - a hybrid construction.

People still visit these abbeys, although they are mostly uninhabited these days. Will we start to see similar eco-measures in secular buildings? Offices and schools without windows, walls, doors, and roofs? We can learn from the Reformation!

(Is this OK, Greta? I haven't checked all the details. Eccles.)

The World Cup of Royal Saints - nominations please

As promised several weeks ago, I'm going to run a World Cup of Royal Saints using Twitter polls (as long as Uncle Elon lets me). All the people I have thought of so far are listed in Wikipedia in the rather loose category Roman Catholic royal saints, which includes "mere" Blesseds as well. You are welcome to suggest others in that category, but also some who are not listed there if some other Christian church regards them as saintly (the umpire's decision on royalty and saintlihood is final). Nominate by replying either on Twitter or to this blog.

So far we have the following (to give them their Wikipedia descriptions):

Charlemagne
Charles I of Austria
Clotilde
Edmund the Martyr
Edward the Confessor
Edward the Martyr
Elizabeth of Hungary
Henry II, Holy Roman Emperor
Isabella I of Castile
Louis IV of Thuringia
Louis IX of France
St Margaret of Scotland
Stephen I of Hungary
Wenceslaus I

Once we have enough (again, the umpire's decision is final), we'll start the World Cup. As usual you may vote using any criterion you wish - saintliness, beauty, what will most annoy me, etc.

So let's finish with four photos chosen completely at random from the starters. They are, in order, Isabella I of Castille, Clotilde, Edward the Confessor, and Stephen I of Hungary.

Finally, please don't nominate people who you think should be regarded as saints but aren't officially venerable/blessed/saints.

It's WRATH Pride!

We are absolutely FURIOUS that governments, businesses, and even churches are ignoring WRATH PRIDE!

Other deadly sins get their month of glory - we see the rainbow flags of LUST PRIDE (usually abbreviated to PRIDE), and we would see the flags of SLOTH PRIDE if they had bothered to design one, but oh no, WRATH PRIDE isn't good enough to be recognised!

A post-Vatican II WRATH MASS.

Celebrating WRATH MONTH is very easy. Unlike LUST MONTH you don't have to take you clothes off, and unlike SLOTH MONTH you don't have to turn over in bed and say "Leave me alone." No, all we are asking government, businesses, churches etc. to do is what is very natural, and which many do already - be rude to those you serve.

The provisional WRATH PRIDE flag.

Roger Hargreaves has kindly designed a WRATH PRIDE Flag for us - the alternative was simply to use a red rag, known to enrage bulls, but this would have been harder to recognise. We want to COME OUT and show our ANGER to the WORLD!

Batley Townswomen's Guild hold a WRATH party in honour of their most famous son, Arthur Roche.

Some bigoted people condemn us, saying that WRATH is a sin, but how can it be if so many people enjoy it? "Love thy neighbour" is all very well, but "Scream at thy neighbour" comes much more naturally to many of us. So let's celebrate it! STAMP OUT WRATHPHOBIA! With both feet if necessary!

See? Pope Francis is backing us!

Well, that's all I have to say on the matter, you tedious boring blog-readers. You make me SICK! And I hope I make you SICK too!

Indietrists told to "take a hike"

Following the recommendations from Pope Francis and Arthur Roche that pre-2013 Catholics ("indietrists", "backwardists", "rigidists", etc.) should "go away", "take a hike", and "push off", sixteen thousand of them have taken this advice literally and disappeared into the French countryside between Paris and Chartres.

"The Pope told us to 'get lost' and I'm really not sure where we are now."

Although the journey of the 16,000 is decribed as a "pilgrimage", Pope Francis is not fooled. "When I make a pigrimage, I sit in a comfortable jet with a hundred journalists and invent some new Catholic doctrine," he explained. "I certainly don't go wandering in the wilderness."

Meanwhile, the fact that his own diocese includes England's prime destination for a pilgrimage has not missed the attention of Bishop "Comedy Teeth" Collins of East Anglia, who has decreed that the TLM will no longer be allowed at the shrine. The words of another bishop: "it's important that I try to be a father to everyone in my diocese" clearly don't apply here. In fact, following his Jane Austen namesake, Collins prefers a world of Pride and Prejudice.

"I can't wait to get my teeth into Traditionis Custodes!"

Now it would be extremely childish to use the dentally-challenged bishop's appearance as a way of mocking him, but, on the other hand, at least five people have sent me versions of the following photo (Collins as a young man) so who am I to refrain?

"There's two things that I really abhor - religious intolerance and those flaming Traddies!"

Meanwhile, the late news is that the missing 16,000 have resurfaced somewhere near Chartres, much to the disgust of Pope Francis and Arthur Roche. How do we finish this article, then? With another cheap laugh about Arthur Roche's love of cake, or another one at the expense of the bullying bishop? Oh all right...

"Well done, Bishop Collins, and your reward is a new pair of false teeth."

New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.

Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.