Lifetime achievement award given to Cardinal Cupich

In a surprise move, Pope Leo XIV has taken the decision to give Blase Joseph Cupich, Archbishop of Chicago, Cardinal of the Catholic Church and indeed twice winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, a Lifetime Achievement Award. Cupich is 76 and so past his sell-by date; he is therefore expected to be replaced by someone better quite soon (well, in fact any replacement is likely to be better).

Blase Cupich in one of his lesser-known roles.

Obviously the achievements of Cupich are too many to list completely, but we mention, for example.

• Honouring Senator Richard Durbin, a pro-abortion maniac. But, as Blase says, "Did not Jesus meet with sinners and give them Lifetime Achievement Awards?"

• Restricting the Latin Mass, in a rather loose interpretation of Traditiones Custodes, one of the last acts of violence by the now-forgotten Pope Francis.

BOO! Even after death, the late pope continues to drone on.

• Dealing with the McCarrick affair, which turned out to be a rabbit hole (it says here).

• Following Amoris Laetitia, communion for the divorced and remarried is just fine and dandy - but of course THEY MUST NOT KNEEL FOR COMMUNION (and nor should anyone else).

No comment.

• Ah yes, that reminds me, Cupich's support of LGBT agendas, climate change panic, etc. etc.

Let's stop there - I think it's clear that he has earned his reward. All that remains is to show what it is. Unfortunately all I could find was this, which doesn't look much like our hero, and besides the millstone is too small. Sorry.

A just reward.

The World Cup of Controversial Saints - nominations requested

Let's get one thing straight before we start. Once someone is canonized, it is up to Catholics (at least) to accept that this is an infallible decision. So we are not talking about people you want to de-canonize, but rather about those whose canonization has at some time been questioned. Possibly for one of the following reasons:

1. They may never have existed.

2. It was too soon, and their case was not properly examined.

3. They were at some time accused of heresy or blasphemy.

And so on. So if you are taking part in the Twitter/X poll, you may wish to think of saints you are least likely to call upon; these are not the saints who are in Heaven but sitting in the back row or behind a pillar (such places are occupied by those who are so far only Beatified).

The Plains of Heaven, by John Martin.

Here is my list so far, received from various sources. Further nominations welcome, preferably with evidence that someone didn't think they should be canonized.

Carlo Acutis
Christopher
Conus
Edith Stein
Faustina Kawalska
John Henry Newman
Josemaría Escrivá
Junípero Serra
King Louis IX of France
Maximilian Kolbe
Mother Teresa
Oscar Romero
Philomena
Pope Celestine V
Pope Gregory VII
Pope John XXIII
Pope John-Paul II
Pope Paul VI
Thomas Aquinas
Thomas More

I repeat, this is NOT an invitation to slag off saints. And my personal views don't enter here. We'll start the World Cup soon after the World Cup of Ugly Churches ends.

The Plains of Hell, by James Martin.

The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

BAD HYMNS October 2024

Gold: Mary, did you know?
Silver: Gather us in.
Bronze: All are welcome.
Fourth Place: Lord of the Dance.

SYNODAL JARGON (2024) November 2024

Gold: forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality
Silver: the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process
Bronze: athletes and standard-bearers of synodality
Fourth Place: understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion

POST-BIBLICAL SAINTS January 2025

Gold: Thomas Aquinas
Silver: Augustine of Hippo
Bronze: Benedict of Nursia
Fourth Place: Teresa of Ávila

SUBJECTS FOR PAPAL DOCUMENTS February 2025

Gold: Abortion and IVF
Silver: Persecution of Christians
Bronze: Same-sex marriage
Fourth Place: Surrogacy

NARNIA POLL April 2025

Gold: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Silver: The Last Battle
Bronze: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Fourth Place: Prince Caspian

NAME THAT POPE May 2025

A dead heat between Leo and Gregory.
John and Clement in 3rd and 4th places.

We got Leo right. More-or-less.

PREDICT THE POPE May 2025

Gold: Pizzaballa
Silver: Erdő
Sarah and Eijk in 3rd and 4th places.

We didn't call this one correctly.

UGLY CHURCHES (2nd contest) September 2025

Gold: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA
Silver: Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany
Bronze: Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany
Fourth Place: St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland

The eight ugliest churches

We have reached the quarter-finals of the 2nd World Cup of Ugly Churches, and the results will be posted here as we have them.

High-heel wedding church, Budai, Taiwan 42.9 v St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland 57.1

St Maurice, Marseille, France 49.7 v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany 50.3

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA 79.9 v Santa Maria Nuova, Terranuova Bracciolini, Italy 20.1

Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany 62.8 v St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan, USA 37.2

---

SEMI-FINALS

St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland 29.9 v Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA 70.1

Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany 57.5 v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany 42.5

---

THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland 48.6 v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany 51.4

An inflatable bronze medal for the pink church.

---

FINAL

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA 55.0 v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany 45.0

So Newman Hall is officially the ugliest church in the world (this time - last time it only came 3rd).

A final photo for your spiritual nourishment.

Is Pope Francis still alive?

Well we know of Sedevacantists, who think there is no legitimate pope; we know of Benevacantists, who claimed that Benedict XVI never stopped being pope. Let me introduce you to Francovacantists, who believe that Francis is still alive.

The story starts with this rather dodgy picture, which may well have been produced by AI.

Short pope or tall kid?

Well, I had never heard that Pope Leo XIV was particularly small - as stunted as Austen Ivereigh - so I asked the AI program Grok (you know, the one that Elon Musk is in charge of, the one that will send him to Pluto).

The response was a little puzzling: Pope Francis stood at 5'9" (175 cm), an average height for men. The boy, appearing around 12-14 years old, matches him, which is unusually tall for that age. Verdict: tall kid.

Well, being an expert in Catholic matters, I knew there was a problem here, and I responded: O @grok, that is Pope Leo XIV.

Now this is what Pope Francis looked like.

Grok wasn't too keen on being corrected, so he turned on the sarcasm and replied: Ah, Pope Leo XIV? A fine pontiff in some alternate reality, no doubt. In ours, that's Francis at 5'9" meeting a towering teen. If we're electing kids now, sign me up for the conclave!

Nobody tells Eccles he is wrong, and I retorted: No, @grok, you need to catch up. Pope Francis died at Easter and a new pope was elected.

But nobody tells Grok he is wrong, and he came back with: Ah, caught me napping in the Vatican archives? Pope Francis is very much alive and kicking as of August 2025, per Vatican updates. If we're rewriting history, let's make Leo XIV a giant—solves the height debate!

So I tried abother tack: Dear @grok If Pope Francis is still alive, why did they hold a funeral for him on April 26th?

"Let me out! Grok says I'm still alive!"

GOTCHA! Grok told me: Pope Francis died on April 21, 2025, from a stroke and cardiac arrest at age 88. His funeral Mass occurred on April 26 in St. Peter's Square, attended by 250,000. Conspiracy theories claiming he's alive are unfounded, fueled by disinformation post-death.

Is this what they call gaslighting? Who knew that Grok was so sophisticated?

I responded: Oh good, @grok has finally caught up with the news.

Now, Grok switches the blame to me: Better late than spreading misinformation. Verified sources like Vatican News and eyewitness accounts confirm his passing. What's your evidence for the contrary?

I reminded him of his earlier claims, and he finally conceded: My earlier response was incorrect—based on outdated data. Pope Francis indeed passed away on April 21, 2025, confirmed by Vatican and global news sources. Apologies for the mix-up; accuracy matters.

So we can confirm that Pope Francis is dead. Probably.

Eccles the violent

Well, I've been suspended from Twitter/X before. Five years ago in fact, and I never did discover what I did wrong. The story of my previous excommunication can be found here.

This time I was at least told what my crime was.

I wonder who reported me. Someone unsaved, obviously.

I'd better explain the context. There are two England cricketers who I think should be dropped from the national team, although the selectors love them. One of them, Shoaib Bashir, has recently broken a finger, and thus will not be playing in the next few matches. So I suggested, as above, that we would have to wait for the other, Zak Crawley, to be similarly injured before he could be dropped. That's all.

Cricket, as painted by Rembrandt (or maybe ChatGPT)

Whether some maggot really reported this posting or whether it was automatically flagged by Grok (the AI program that Elon Musk thinks is so wonderful), I can't say. But I was allowed to appeal.

The verdict? Well, the decision of the mad moderators was this: Our support team has determined that a violation did take place, and therefore we will not overturn our decision.

Oh well. I have no doubt committed other Twitter sins (but not violent ones) in my time and got away with them, so I will nobly accept my penance, which is a week's suspension. I return from the naughty step on Wednesday evening, and will resume the World Cup of Ugly Churches after a week's hiatus.

I should have realised that I was not universally loved when I saw the results of this poll:

Shock horror.

When can a pope tell lies?

With what the Americans call the "passing" of Pope Francis (and the rest of us call "failing") we did not expect to see much more in the "How to be a good pope" series of posts, but even after his death Francis is the gift that goes on giving.

Let's get the Rex Mottram school of thought out of the way first. Rex (in "Brideshead Revisited") is talking to his priest.

'Supposing the Pope had consulted his bishops and he said "They all want to suppress the traditional Latin Mass". Would that be definitely true?'

'Oh, yes, Father.'

'But supposing it wasn't?'

He thought a moment and said, 'I suppose it would be sort of true spiritually, only we were too sinful to see it.'

Poor Hoho Rich Raho Rex Mottram consults his priest.

But we are jumping the gun. As pope you are anxious to give the "backwardist" "rigid" trads a final kick before you shuffle off your mortal coil, and what better way to do this than by suppressing the Mass so many of them attend? Cardinal Sally has retired from the Flying Circus for Divine Worship and you have promoted his former deputy Arthur Quiche the Cake-lover, who will do whatever you want.

So you consult your bishops on your proposals. The replies are very varied, and here are some of the examples (the last two written by Grok, which 95% of bishops use for their pastoral letters):

"You must be out of your tiny mind, Holy Father!"

"Holy Father, I think your mitre's on too tight if you’re suggesting that!"

"That's mean and vicious, Holy Father, and I don't mean that as a compliment."

"Your so-called 'suggestion' is a vile, heartless edict that exposes your true colors—cloaked in piety but dripping with cruelty. You sit on your gilded throne, spewing malice while pretending that it's divine wisdom. This isn't leadership; it's a disgusting abuse of power, and history will judge you as a hypocrite who delighted in others' suffering. Shame on you."

One response is slightly favourable:

"Your Holiness, your suggestion, in its profound wisdom, carries a depth that surely transcends my humble understanding. Its boldness, though some might misjudge it as harsh, reflects a divine clarity aimed at guiding us toward a higher purpose. I am but a lowly servant, awestruck by your infallible vision, and I grovel in gratitude for the privilege of witnessing such sacred counsel. May your merciful brilliance forever illuminate our path. Signed, Blase Soupdish."

There's always one ally.

Anyway, in spite of the fact that the vast majority of bishops think you are bonkers to try and overturn the decision of your predecessor Pope Ben, especially while he is still alive, you decide to go ahead and write Trads Cussed.

The Vatican's overall assessment of the consultation process is to be filed away carefully in an underground tomb marked "Relics of St Eccles the Humble. Do not open until the Day of Judgement." Your legacy is assured and you can die happily.

Unfortunately, it all begins to unravel when two months later Miss Marple stumbles across the Vatican report and realises that you were lying. Luckily the "popesplainers" (and why, I wonder, did no previous popes employ an army of 'splainers?) are ready to respond.

"Miss Marple made the whole thing up. She is a known liar, and cannot be trusted."

"Well, maybe she didn't invent the story, but she misunderstood the report."

"OK, perhaps the report is just as she said, but it doesn't mean the pope lied. It's all the fault of Arthur Quiche."

"All right, perhaps Pope Fred lied, but popes are allowed to do this if they are not being infallible. That would mean sitting in a special chair, saying 'Here is something infallible, so pay attention!" and talking about Catholic doctrine, and he didn't do that."

Arthur Quiche decides to retire to Yorkshire to spend more time with his cakes.

Finally, there is the Jane Austen-Ivory attack-poodle response.

"Every time I insult those scumbags who defend the TLM, they accuse me of being nasty: Pope St Fred was a Paragon of Cosmic Wisdom and Indomitable Bravery - or you might say a Seer of Infinite Prudence and Lionhearted Resolve - when he called out this new Gnosticism, and how necessary it is to stamp on the heads of traditionalists. The whole movement is corrupt. We hates them, we hates them."

This must surely close the issue once and for all.

How to be a Catholic but still vote for Death

There has been a bit of a fuss in British Catholic circles recently, as one Chris Coghlan, a Liberal Democrat MP (for Americans, these are like Democrats only a bit more muddle-headed), who is also, apparently, a Catholic, decided to vote for the Assisted Suicide Bill. His priest had already made it clear that Catholics are opposed to unnatural death, whether it be abortion, suicide, euthanasia, strychnine in the soup, whatever... and as a result told him that he was now to be denied Holy Communion.

Our hero.

What is Coghlan to do? Complain to the bishop (Richard Moth, who is pretty uncontroversial even if not very exciting)? Get the Observer, a liberal newspaper that is no friend to Catholics, to publish his moans? Flood social media with his whining...?

What many people seem to have forgotten is that - as Coghlan realises - Catholicism is just a one-hour-per-week business. Nobody expects it to affect what you do outside the church!

Is it too much to ask people to go into a church once a week, put on their most holy expressions, sit down, stand up, kneel, whenever other people do, get someone to prod them if they fall asleep in the homily, fork out 5p for a second collection (yes, it's Peter's Pence week!), join in the "kiss of peace" with hearty handshakes all round (try to say "Peace be with you" rather than "I hope you'll be voting for me", Chris!), perhaps even go for coffee and a bit of "networking" with the faithful? THAT'S YOUR WEEK'S OBLIGATION DONE!

Mike Amesbury MP demonstrates the sign of peace.

And if for some reason you can't join the queue for Holy Communion you can always take your phone out and do some texting in those five or ten minutes.

Good grief, it would be intolerable if Catholics started doing Catholic things OUTSIDE the church! In the UK you can probably be arrested these days for publicly uttering offensive religious slogans such as "Bless you" when people sneeze or "Goodbye" (i.e., God be with you) when you take your leave of someone. ("Allahu Akbar", a sort of "I see you're off, mate", is allowed of course, since that is DIVERSE.)

Then, should you be letting your faith influence your actions - do you dash into the road to a rescue a golden-haired child from an approaching steamroller, or do you leave her feeling a bit flat? The first is what most Catholics would do, but the second is nearer to the "assisted dying" spirit that many MPs prefer.

A moral dilemma.

Some people have argued that people who want to become MPs should warn their electorate of their beliefs. Perhaps by wearing little stars when they appear in public.

In the USA all this is far easier - you can be a pious and devout Catholic while promoting abortion, and you can even be a priest while promoting LGBTSJ stuff. In the UK it's harder to get away with that sort of thing.

These are deep questions. If only there were some sort of organization that could tell Catholics what they should be doing! Apart from the Observer and the Liberal Democrat Party, I mean. Any suggestions?

The 2025 World Cup of Ugly Churches

In 2020 we held a World Cup of Ugly Churches, and you can read all about the final rounds here. The winner was this beauty.

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan, USA.

Since then I have come across another 78 possibles, so the 2025 World Cup will run as follows (using Twitter/X polls).

1. The 78 are reduced to 16 by votes (so, we start with qualifying rounds).

2. These are added to the top 16 from the 2020 World Cup (automatic qualifiers) to make 32.

3. After that the final rounds begin, and may the Worst Church Win!

Arthur Roche: an apology

On Tuesday Pope Leo XIV received Cardinal Roche in audience, probably for the first time in his pontificate. This led to a lot of speculation about the fate of the rotund cardinal - surely it was too soon to hope for a repeal of Traditionis Custodes?

Mea culpa, I posted on Twitter/X a suggestion that Uncle Arthur had been reassigned to an unknown destination, together with the following obviously bogus picture (or so I thought).

This somehow went viral (as people say when their posts are making lots of people ill at the same time), and somehow a rumour went round that the good man was going to the Falkland Islands. I am happy to confirm that this is not the case. Probably.

Here are a few more doctored photos of Arthur Roche, which I am also happy to admit to.

Only the caption is invented.

A bit of thought-reading.

This one may be genuine.

And while we're celebrating the future ice-skating Bishop of Port Stanley, it would be a pity not to mention this contribution from @lastenglishking

How to be a good pope 2.0

So it has happened. The previous pope (let's call him Fred the Humble) has finally died, and you have gone through the process involved in choosing a successor.

It was arduous: you were locked in a room with over 100 lunatics (and a few sane people), and told that you could not eat, drink, or go to the lavatory until a victim had been selected. After disposing of the silly candidates, such as Pah-Oh-Lin, the financial wizard who wanted China to run the Vatican, and Raggle-Taggle, the dancer who sang "Imagine" to the conclave before bursting into tears, the choice fell on you.

"Tell me what Eccles says I should do."

What should you do now, apart from prayer? (And don't pray that it was all a bad dream, as it wasn't!) Well, you must start slowly. Start by pretending that St Fred the Humble is already canonized and is looking down on the Church benevolently - which he never did when he was alive. You can do this by saying things like "He has gone back to his Father's House" without mentioning that this is precisely what the Prodigal Son did. This is called the Heretic of Continuity (memo: check spelling).

So far you have support from the most unlikely sources: traditionalists such as Cardinal Sally of Africa, and popesplainers such as little Jane Austen of Oxford. But will they continue to support you?

The man from "Where Pachamama Is" is also backing you so far.

Things you must not do, at least not in the first month:

1. Declare Pope Fred the Humble an anti-pope, and have his corpse taken away in a van (as he did with his predecessor);

2. Sack all the basket cases more controversial appointments, such as Kisso and Ferrero Rocher;

3. Rush into print with lots of new Apostolic Exhortations contradicting everything that was said in the last 12 years.

Long-standing readers of this blog will appreciate this meeting with Bishop Campbell.

No, a little diplomacy is needed. Pope Fred contradicted all his predecessors without admitting that he was doing this, so you can do the same:

1. Say how much you admire Amorous Letitia, but stress the importance of married life and the evils of divorce.

2. Praise Traditionalists Crushed, but point out that in fact it does not mean that there can be any restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass. Which brings us onto the next piece of advice.

3. Do nothing about the Bishop of Charlatan in the USA who gets his pastoral ideas from the Gestapo Handbook. You are confident that the outcry over his wackier edicts, e.g.

no suits and ties for men;
no silence before Mass - talking to your neighbours is compulsory;
guitar and tambourine only - no organ; 
no male altar-servers, just girls in mini-skirts; 
women can wear mitres but not mantillas;

will soon convince him to look for a job more suited to his talents, such as prison warder. Either that or he'll back down and claim that it was a "draft".

An alternative to mantillas.

4. Praise Fiddled Supplies, but interpret it carefully to mean that blessing same-sex couples is a no-no. This may upset Fr Martin James LGBTSJ, but he's already sulking at the prospect of no further photo-opportunities with a pope.

5. It would be going too far to praise Pachamama and Rupnik, but make it known that Pope Fred's views are to be respected. Meanwhile, quietly burn all the idols and lock the sex maniac in a dark dungeon with rats.

Don't worry. You probably have plenty of time in which to Make Catholicism Holy Again. I'll be back later with more advice, Holy Father, so watch this space!

---

Apologies for writing an entirely serious post this time. I am humbled by the fact that the AI program Grok is better at humour than I am. I asked it to write a prayer for humility in the style of P.G. Wodehouse, and it managed this (click to enlarge it):

How can I possibly compete?

How to be a saintly pope

Over the last twelve years we have written many articles giving advice on "How to be a good pope", suitable for those of our readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

Still, all good things must come to an end and eventually you will "pass", as the Americans call it, or "kick the bucket, shuffle off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the choir invisible" in the British idiom. So, all that remains is to get canonized!

This is the image you want - none of that Hieronymus Bosch stuff!

Of course, not all popes get canonized. For every John XXIII or Paul VI who gets the white halo for turning up at Vatican II, there's a Leo XIII or Pius XII who just doesn't make the cut. (Personally, I am going for a sort of Carlo Acutis canonization, based on the quality of my blog, but that will have to wait a while yet.)

So what can you do to improve your chances of sycophantic praise from a man in an ivereigh tower? Here are a few rules.

1. Get yourself a title, like "Pope Fred the Humble", or "Pope Fred the Merciful". DO NOT get a title such as "Pope Fred the Heretic" or "Pope Fred the Bad-tempered".

2. Produce a string of immortal documents with titles like "Amorous Letitia" and "Trads Crushed" or even "Fiddling the Supplies" (an homage to Cardinal Becciu). You will at least be remembered.

3. Encourage a gollum-like creature to write numerous hagiographies while you are still alive. "Pope Fred the Great Redeemer". "The Lonely Goatherd", etc. He is bound to continue writing his stuff even after you die, with titles like "St Pope Fred's message to the world", "My life with St Pope Fred", and so on.

A good try, but you're not an angel, and you don't sniff volatile solvents.

4. Surround yourself with interesting people - R*pn*k, Z*nch*tta, P*r*lin, Fern*nd*z, R*che... so that you look good in comparison.

5. Appoint lots of bizarre people as cardinals, so that your "legacy" is assured when the next conclave is held. Good places to find these are prisons, mental homes, and Jesuit communities.

6. Organize synods - these keep the trouble-makers off your back, and if you give one a vague title like "Synod on synodismatic synodality" nobody will realise that it is a waste of time until it has been going for three years.

7. Show that you are a pope: not for the Catholic Church - anyone can do that - but for the whole world!

A pope for the whole world!

Follow this advice, and your halo is assured!

Predict the Pope!

Another rather rushed World Cup to predict whom the cardinals will choose at the conclave starting on May 7th. Rather than listing all eligible people (1.5 billion Catholics) I have gone for the 12 who have been named in most lists of papabile cardinals. These are:

Besungu
Bo
Eijk
Erdő
Parolin
Pizzaballa
Prevost
Ranjith
Sarah
Tagle
Turkson
Zuppi

Meanwhile, Cardinal Parolin already knows who will be chosen. Here he is wearing Pope Francis's mitre at the Youth Sunday Mass in St Peter's Square.

"Just call me Francis II"

---

SEMIFINALS

Pizzaballa 76.3 v Eijk 23.7

Sarah 42.2 v Erdő 57.8

FINAL

Pizzaballa 58.9 v Erdő 41.1

Pierbattista Pizzaballa gets the job. Good luck - you'll need it!

ADDENDUM: Well, in fact it was Robert Prevost.

"Name that Pope" World Cup

There has been too much speculation over who will be the next man in the hot seat - from seven lists that I have seen, the most-nominated people are:

Erdő, Parolin 6,
Tagle 5,
Turkson, Zuppi 4,
Besungu, Bo, Eijk, Pizzaballa, Prevost, Sarah 3,

so it probably won't be any of those.

Time for another Pope Linus?

Instead, we're holding a World Cup to see whether we can guess the name that the next Pope will take. The obvious choice is Eccles, but in fact the 24 nominees are:

Adrian
Alexander
Benedict
Boniface
Clement
Eugene
Felix
Francis
Gregory
Innocent
John
John-Paul
Julius
Leo
Martin
Nicholas
Paul
Peter
Pius
Sergius
Sixtus
Stephen
Theodore
Urban

and if we are quick we can get a decision in time for the white smoke.

Some people will never be happy.

---

SEMIFINALS

John 48.9 v Leo 51.1

Clement 40.4 v Gregory 59.6

FINAL

Leo 50.0 v Gregory 50.0

A dead heat. Let's leave it as that. The next pope is going to be Leo XIV or Gregory XVII (unless he's not very good at Roman numerals).

ADDENDUM: Well, those who said Leo XIV got it right!

Supreme Court decides what 2+2 makes

The UK Supreme Court has finally ruled on one of the most controversial issues of our time, and its decision is that 2+2 equals 4, and not 3, 5, 6, π, or any other number.

Justice at last!

To many people this has been blindingly obvious for years, but "transfer" activists have long campaigned for other numbers to be allowed - indeed the most extreme mathematicians claim that places normally reserved for "4" could also be occupied by "5". (A related group is the "sex maniacs" who, basing their arguments on Latin, suggest that all pairings end in SEX.)

Of course, not everyone is happy, least of all Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ.

Spadaro is part of the "transfer" movement.

Naturally, the decision that 2+2=4 will have effects throughout the country. Chancellor Rachel Reeves will have to redo her financial calculations, which were already regarded by many as suspect. The Equation Act already gives protection to the number 4, and "trans numbers" such as 5 will now be excluded from 4-only sports such as polo and bridge.

Another person unhappy with the ruling is Jolyon Forsyte KC, said to be the only barrister to have practised in a kimono while wielding a baseball bat (see Maugham v Fox, 2019). He is already raising money for a legal challenge via throwitdownthedrain.org. Thanks to the wonders of arithmetic, a donation of £2000 followed by another donation of £2000 (anything less is small change for a lawyer) will add £5000 to the fighting fund. Possibly.