What happened after Francis left

As I walked through the wilderness of this world, I lighted on a certain place where was a den, and laid me down in that place to sleep; and as I slept, I dreamed a dream. I dreamed...*

It was two weeks after the departure of Pope Francis from the chair of St Peter. In my dream it was not clear to me whether he had died, resigned, been carried off to the funny farm, or been arrested by the Swiss Guard. In any case, a conclave had been held and Cardinal Sarah was quickly elected Pope. Nobody wanted a Francis II, and even the Cupiches and Marxes realised that they could not get away with it.

Noisy popes? Who on earth did Cardinal Sarah have in mind?

Pope Pius XIII (as he now was) wasted no time in tidying up the mess left by his predecessor. When he emtered the papal apartments he removed all the Pachamama idols that were cluttering up the place and burned them in public - tschugguelling them into the Tiber left the risk that they might be fished out again. He made the possession of the Pachamama dolls an excommunicable offence - much to the distress of Austen Ivereigh, who had planned to give his nearest and dearest Pachamamas for Christmas.

No longer needed in the Catholic Church.

Then he turned his attention to some of Pope Francis's writings. Instantly he repealed Traditionis Custodes, much to the distress of Arthur Roche, who turned out to have backed the wrong horse. Uncle Arthur was taken away from the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments and sent back to his native Batley to sort out the problems of the schoolteacher who was in hiding after showing his class a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. We did not see him again.

Amoris Laetitia was next for the bonfire, and the Dubia were answered with a definite "No, yes, yes, yes, yes!" to the delight of the surviving cardinals, Vice-Popes Burke and Brandmüller.

"Synods?" said the new pope. "Who needs synods, let alone synods about synods? They're cancelled, and anyone seen trying to set up a synod will be severely disciplined by the new Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, now renamed the Inquisition once more."

A tense moment in discussions at the Batley Townswomen's Synod.

"A good morning's work," said Pius XIII. "I'm now going to visit Emeritus Pope Benedict for lunch, and see whether he has any more suggestions."

In the afternoon of the first day the new pope excommunicated Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, sacked Jeffrey Sachs, and laicised Fr James Martin LGBTSJ. "Francis bullied the Order of Malta, and the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate," he told his friends. "I have my sights on the Jesuits and their Satanic America magazine."

Then he sorted out the German bishops and turned his attention to China, and ...

Unfortunately, it was only a dream.

*John Bunyan.

Catholics keep out!

It is becoming increasingly obvious that Christians - and especially Catholics - are not welcome in public life, and should know that their rightful place is in hiding or on the scaffold.

Crime scene, as seen on television.

Midsomer Murders, episode 3019. Chief Inspector Barnaby (either the one with the crazy wife or the one with the boring dog, it doesn't matter) turns up with his usual jovial cry of "Hello, George, what have you got for me today?". The pathologist, Kate Wilding, gives him a puzzled glance and replies.

"Well Tom, or do I mean John? Anyway, you can see that this chap has had his nostrils stuffed with plutonium (as it is episode 3019 we are running out of original ways to kill people), and he has been dead about six weeks."

"Let me through, I'm a priest!"

An evil cackling priest walks by. Barnaby realises that this must be the criminal, but his contract says that he must wait until there have been another three murders before finally arresting him.

Next, the British Army turns up and asks to drive its tanks all over the place where the dead body is lying. "Don't you realise this is a crime scene? Go away!"

The general in charge replies, "But China has invaded Midsomer and we are the last line of defence!"

"This is still a crime scene. Go away!"

Crime scene, in reality.

A man is dying from stab wounds. The 999 emergency services are called, "Which service do you require: Fire, Priest, or Ambulance? There's no use calling the police, they're all out on gay pride marches."

In fact the priest is the last to arrive. At the crime scene there is already a blood-crazed assassin, several witnesses, an NHS troupe of nurses doing a dance to put on Youtube, and six policemen with alsatians who wandered in having heard reports that someone had been using the wrong pronouns.

A crime scene.

"Let me in, I'm Father Brown, a Catholic priest. I want to give the dead man the Last Rites. This is a fundamental part of the Catholic faith."

"Get out. This is a crime scene. We can't have it contaminated."

A CRASH! is heard as a sergeant in size-14 boots trips over the dying man.

"On second thoughts, Rev, I'm arresting you. On television it's always the priest wot dunnit."

"I want to question you about all those dead bodies in your churchyard."

The Accelerated Dying Legislation.

To their great credit, church leaders are fairly united in opposing the proposed "Yes, you can push your granny off a bus if she's rich enough and too confused to say 'No'" legislation. One exception is George Carey, star of Carey on Killing, the retired Christian who was once Archbishop of Canterbury. But they are put in their place by a learned professor, one Alice Roberts, who has contributed two brilliant pieces to this blog in the past, namely the amazing revelations that Miracles are just a bit... unlikely and Dead people don't come back to life.

Alice hits the nail with her head on the head.

She's got a good point, hasn't she? But we should go further. People with religious views, whether they be popes (no, he won't say anything helpful), bishops, priests, or laymen - even Anglicans devoted to this blog, such as Giles Fraser and Peter Hitchens - SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT. We welcome atheist leaders like, er, little Alice in Blunderland, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS.

Got the message, Catholics? You're not wanted. Ask Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth I. And any Anglicans - or even atheists - who agree with you about the morality of Accelerated Suicide - why, you're just closet Catholics! Get lost!

"It's no use complaining now. Mr Gates's App said you'd consented to dying. Don't worry, we'll get the bug fixed in the next release."

Cowboys and Indians in the Catholic Church

Usually in games of cowboys and Indians we take the side of the cowboys, but today we're changing sides and supporting the Indians. Archbishop Charles Chaput, whose Potawatomi name is "the wind that rustles the leaves of the tree" has dealt a mortal blow to Austen, the Lone Whinger, and his sidekick Massimo.

The wind that rustles the poison ivereigh.

In a brilliant showdown the big chief has rushed to the defence of the fair maid Ewtn, daughter of Mother Angelica, who was under siege from a gang of misguided cowboys. Ewtn's supporters fought back with bows and arroyos, but a massacre looked likely, especially when Wild Joe Bergoglio and Jessie James Martin waded into the battle, guns blazing.

The Lone Whinger is said to be very upset - as well he should be - since Big Chief Chaput endorsed his first book Wild Joe Bergoglio, the fastest gun in the West while also describing it as "grandiosely titled and with a light seasoning of snark". (Austen was having an off day and ran out of snark.) Apparently, it's his best book, as well.

The Lone Whinger's supporters rush to his defence.

Whereas Austen is a courtier of Wild Joe Bergoglio, his sidekick Massimo is enamoured of Buffalo Biden, the "holy man", hilariously saying "the parallel between Biden and 'Doc' Roncalli certainly offers hope from a historical point of view". Chaput is having none of this, and talks contemptuosuly of Biden's "slash and burn" massacres.

Finally, other members of the "Magniloquent Seven", such as the gringos, Spadaro and Figueroa, are also in line for a scalping. This time the Indians are the good guys, so go Chaput!

It's Pachamama Day!

Today has seen great rejoicing in the Catholic Church worldwide, as we remember the second anniversary of the drowning of the heathen idol Pachamama in the Tiber.

Baron Alexander von Tschugguel zu Tramin, who sank the Pachamama Fleet.

It was October 21st 1805 2019 when it became clear that Christian civilization was being menaced by the godless forces of the Francis Revolution and that a major battle was inevitable. So Admiral Lord Tschugguel sailed his fleet to Santa Maria in Traspontina, overcame the army of Pachamama under Admiral "le nain" Ivereigh, captured their primitive idols, and sank them.

From then onwards Emperor Napoglio struggled to control his church, although he made valiant attempts to dominate the world with tyrannical decrees such as Tradition est Coupée and a plague of demented synods. He frequently employed the motto "L'église, c'est moi!" but his days were numbered, although it took ten long years of strife before he met his Waterloo. After one last battle, Napoglio was finally deposed and exiled to St Helena. The monarchy was restored in the form of Le Roi Sarah.

Napoglio pines for his Pachamama dolls.

Good Samaritan arrested for looting

A correction.

Our star reporter Lambchop breaks the news.

We are grateful to Pope Francis, the celebrated climatologist, left-wing political agitator and part-time Catholic, for correcting the account in St Luke of the activities of the Good Samaritan ("Sam" to his friends). It seems that this well-known parable did not turn out exactly as reported by St Luke, and - like the Beatitudes, the Lord's Prayer and other Biblical errors - it required updating. Count your blessings that this was done by papal decree, and not another synod!

It seems that, after delivering the mugging victim to the inn, and binding up his wounds, Sam reacted in the only proper way. He embarked on a campaign of violence, setting fire to buildings, attacking random people who had nothing to do with the muggers, looting shoe shops (medieval paintings often show the Good Samaritan dressed in a pair of brand new Adidas trainers), and generally harassing anyone who got in his way.

"My mates and I will get them for this. And anyone else within 50 miles."

Other prominent figures from Jesus's parables also turn out to have led complicated lives. The man with the lost sheep, having found the poor animal, then went round to his neighbour's farms and set fire to their barns. The prodigal son, offered some fatted calf by his long-suffering father, accused him of letting his animals cause climate change, with the immortal words "You have stolen my childhood and your dreams."

Lazarus, in Abraham's bosom, mocked Dives as a "self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagian." The sower who was sowing seed, once he had finally worked out where the good soil was, ripped it up and threw it in the face of passers-by as a way of showing that he was a true custodian of tradition. Then he screamed at them because they were cross with him.

We are looking forward to Pope Francis's new encyclical Parabolae Perditae or Parables Lost, which will correct and re-interpret all the Biblical parables.

The second ever synod

All throughout history momentous decisions have been made by means of synods (and sometimes by synods about synods). We have already seen that the very first synod involved Adam, Eve and the Serpent, and that by a process of discernment it was agreed that the divine commandment ("do not eat the fruit of this tree") did not always apply, and that doctrine might evolve. By a process of discernment one might come to the conclusion that God had really meant "tuck in!"

So, twenty years later there was a second synod. Eden II, some called it, although it was held slightly outside the garden where Eden I had taken place. Mr Genesis taketh up the story.

Cain explaineth the decision of the synod to his brother Abel.

1. It came to pass that Cain, son of Adam, and his wife Awan held a synod.

2. For Adam, he who was the Head of the Church, had decreed that people should meet in small groups and discuss the teachings of the Church, and whether they might prefer some other teachings.

3. Thus Cain had called a synod on murder, that it might be decided whether murder was really a sin.

4. For, as he said, "My brother Abel vexeth me. For the Lord preferreth the firstlings of his flock to my offering of a low-fat vegan alternative."

5. And Awan replied, "Are you not your brother's keeper? How then may you slay him?"

6. Cain answered unto her, "This is something that we may decide by means of the synod. For hath not our father Adam given unto us the authority to consider what is good, and what is not good?"

7. "It is true," agreed Awan, "that we are told always to reject that which is old, that which is traditional, and that which changeth not. So I must agree with you, O Cain."

8. Thus it was decided that murder was no longer a sin: so Cain went out into the fields and slew his brother Abel.

9. And Adam saw that Abel was slain, and grieved over this. But then he spake out, saying, "Who am I to judge?"

10. And finally Cain went out from the Lord's presence and dwelt in the land of Sy-Nod, East of Eden.

Awan urgeth Cain to move to Germany and become a bishop.

How to receive papal guests

Yes, it's another one in our series "How to be a good pope", containing top tips for those readers who may end up with the big job without having a clue how to do it. There are no training courses available, not even Youtube videos, so future popes tend to come here for advice.

As a pope you will naturally receive visitors wishing to benefit from your wisdom, to give you a piece of their mind, or simply to get a bit of free publicity (thinking of you, Austen, Greta, Fr Jimbo...) Let's have a few case studies.

Tip 1: Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Anglican bishop of Norwich, Graham Usher, drops in, bearing sumptuous gifts, namely a jar of honey (formerly the property of Richard Dawkins) and a bee facemask (no, this is not something to protect bees from Covid-19). Now, this is the bishop in whose cathedral there was a helter-skelter two years ago and a plastic dinosaur skeleton this year. What can his Lordship possibly want? Is he going to advise you to set up a helter-skelter in the Sistine Chapel, or a dinosaur skeleton in St Peter's Basilica (a nasty jibe against the priests who used to be allowed to offer Masses there)? Or is it simply that he expects you to liven up the tombs of the saints by surrounding them with beehives?

Have a quick photo opportunity, and send him packing. Keep the honey, though, and wear the mask at your next papal audience to frighten the pilgrims.

Tip 1 (bis): Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Wicked Witch of the West is your next visitor. Another one seeking a photo opportunity, and perhaps a papal endorsement of her activities. You instantly find common ground with her - you both hate the Big Bad Orange Man - and you get on like a house on fire. Unfortunately you can't accede to her wishes that you donate a few million dollars to Planned Parenthood - Vatican finances are a bit rocky at the moment - but she has your blessing.

You hear later that she attended a Mass in Rome and was booed out. Well, that's been happening to you quite a lot recently, especially since you declared war on the entire pre-1960s Catholic Church - so you can sympathise.

And now some visitors you definitely don't want to welcome.

Tip 2: Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Cardinal Tao has arrived all the way from China, and wants an audience with you. There is absolutely nothing in this for you - no photo opportunity, just a 30-minute lecture on why it is a bad idea to let a totalitarian dictatorship run the Catholic Church in China. Pretend you're out. Pretend you're ill. Don't bother to pretend, just lock the doors.

Tip 2 (bis): Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Finally, one of those irritating Dubia cardinals is still trying to get in to see you. It's been nearly five years since four of them wrote a letter asking you to clarify Catholic teaching by answering five simple Yes/No questions. As a Jesuit, clarifying teaching would be unprecedented behaviour, and make you very unpopular with the Superior, Arturo Sausage. Clear off, Ray.

Which reminds me...

According to Wikipedia, the gentleman above is called a Dubia Roach. The name may remind you that there's a great fan of yours at the Congregation for Divine Worship who is looking for a red hat in an extra large fitting. Indeed, he recently said "the post-Vatican II missal of Paul VI is the 'richest' the Church has ever produced." Come on, invite him round for tea (order lots of cinnabons) and give him what he wants!

Pope Francis snubs Glasgow

The Climate Change^TM world is reeling in horror today with the news that Pope Francis will not be attending November's prestigious COP26 conference in Glasgow. In his place, he will be sending Vice-Pope Parolin, with various useful bits of advice such as "A Glasgow kiss is a head-butt, Pietro, so don't ask for one in Mass just before the Agnus Dei" and "Deep-fried Mars Bars are so disgusting that only Cardinal Dolan will eat them."

Naturally, there has been speculation about the Pope's reasons for crying off. Was it when he heard that Climate Change^TM had not actually reached Glasgow and the weather in November will be (in the local vernacular) "cald enow ta freeze the haggis off a poop, ya ken"?

Pope Francis shows an admiring audience how to save Mother Earth.

The Holy Father had already explained that he was attending in a purely secular capacity, and would not be creating any Scottish saints, attending Masses (och aye, use of the Scottish vernacular would have been a good way to prove its superiority over Latin, the noo), or even handing out Pachamama dolls. As a purely secular pope, he would have been attending as Jorge Mario Bergoglio (Vatican State), wearing a simple business suit made from the wool of low-carbon Argentinian llamas. But it was not to be.

Another theory to explain the Pope's absence is his well-known fear of St Greta of Thunberg. After her moving speech to the Swedish toddler group this week, where the words "blah blah blah" led to riotous applause, Pope Francis is naturally nervous in case she accuses him of stealing her dreams and childhood or describes his finely-crafted empty words as "blah blah blah". As he explains, "I've been getting enough of that sort of language from the Catholic Church ever since I decided to kick the TLM brigade in the teeth."

Greta is not the first person to wish that the pope would go on strike.

Well, so be it. COP26 will have to survive with Parolin, and without the pope jetting in we must expect Mother Earth to die just a little bit sooner. As St Greta puts it "HOW DARE YOU?"

Thoughts are better than prayers

Taking our guidance from Britain's most prominent Catholic, Boris Johnson, we learn that thoughts are far more useful than prayers.

For example, in response to the murder of Sabina Nessa, the great man tweeted as follows:

The prime minister thinks.

On the other hand, for totally trivial matters, such as a European Football Championship, only a totally trivial response is appropriate, such as this letter written to the football manager.

Prayers and hope!

Well, if Boris, my spiritual director, says so, it must be so. Prayers are only to be used for trivial matters ("O Lord, make sure the bus is on time" or "I humbly beseech Thee, grant that the shop still has a copy of the Tablet"). For really serious crises, it's THOUGHTS that count.

We used the ECCLESPROBE (TM) to drop in on the almost-empty mind of devout Catholic Joe Biden as he was attending Mass. It was impossible to get a coherent reading, but his thoughts seemed to be mainly of a huge ball of ice-cream flavoured with chocolate chips. Our theologians are still trying to explain this.

Spiritual nourishment.

Take this week's disaster, the volcano in La Palma, which has caused widespread damage, not to mention climate change. So prayers would be inappropriate here: only THOUGHTS are good enough. "Hmm, it must be hot there." "This volcano's CO2 emissions have stolen my dreams and my childhood." That sort of thing. The fact that people are thinking such deep thoughts must be a great comfort to those who've lost their homes.

THOUGHTS: "This is the fault of those Traddy Catholics." "No, this is the fault of Pope Francis."

Today is the Feast of St Wenceslaus (assassinated at the age of 24, so all those photos of an old man carrying pine logs are inaccurate). So, in best Catholic tradition, we think about him. Ready? Go!

This walk is the only thing I'll ever be remembered for."

Traditionalist Gaslighting

A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.

In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.

Mike Lewis (nobody has heard of Stephen Ferry: he may be a sockpuppet).

Lots of extremists have contested the Very Holy Father's claims. We mention Raymond Burke, who, to the great disappointment of Pope Francis, seems to be recovering from the deadly virus Vatic-2. Burke wrote a piece in which he said "Well, actually, TLM worshippers are not schismatics at all." Regular readers of Where Pacha is (both of them) will remember that Burke was one of the four Dubia cardinals who nearly caused the greatest schism in the Church's history by asking Pope Francis to clarify something he said!

As papal biographer Austen Ivereigh Tower, author of "Pope Francis - the great redeemer", "Go away Austen, I'm trying to sleep" and the new best-seller based on Archpope Francis's teachings, "Forget the past - they're all dead people", puts it, "For many bishops the call to wake up and think about Catholicism was the last straw!"

"If anyone calle me schismatic again, I'll go and found my own Church!"

There are lots of very evil people out there. Dr Joseph Shaw, chairman of the Latin Mass Society of England and Wales, and contributor to such scurrilous publications as Extremist weekly and Schismatic News, may be an intellectual giant, but is obviously not in the same league as our friend Austen Ivermectin - how many hagiographies of St Pope Francis has Shaw written? This devotee of the Extremist Form Mass has publicly denied the divinity of Pachamama (even though she's a LATIN American goddess). He also endorsed those dreadful Dubia cardinals who insisted on trying to square Supreme Pope Francis's teachings with those of dead people such as Pope Benedict XVI (oh, isn't he?), St Paul and St Peter. We discard him utterly.

Pachapapa Francis has pinpointed the centre of all evil - the Extremist World Television Network EWTN. It was founded by extremist Mother Angelica; her friend Raymond Arroyo plays an influential role with his extremist programme The World Over Live, which devotes all its time to reporting on the tantrums of Pope Francis the Humble. Last week they even invited the blood-crazed ferret, Damian Thompson of the fascist Spectator magazine to say rude things about Francis, the Fourth Person of the Trinity.

Enough said!

I think I've made my point. The opponents of Trads Cussed are possessed, diabolical, schismatic, extremist (have I used that word already?) and possessed by diabolically schismatic extremism! No wonder Pope Francis hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them. Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?

Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...

Anglican Theology expressed through its cathedrals

Many people have asked me, "What is it that Anglicans actually believe? Are they like Catholics, only with more money?" and if you stand outside one of their great cathedrals it is hard to believe that it is not actually Catholic. Indeed, in most cases they were built by Catholics and nationalized in the 16th century. So let us go and see what lies within. A tabernacle? A statue, perhaps of Our Lord or St Mary (or Pachamama?) Not exactly, but these five examples are here to provide spiritual nourishment...

Norwich: How are the mighty fallen! 2 Sam. 1:19

The helter-skelter is an well-known religious artefact, symbolizing man's fallen nature. Kneel in prayer, and watch the Dean whizz past your ears as she (yes, it's that sort of dean) shows how pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16.18). Oh dear, she seems to have crashed into the wall.

Rochester: But this is a people robbed and spoiled; they are all of them snared in holes. Isa. 4:22.

What can be more sacramental than a game of crazy golf? Like unto the Israelites in the wilderness, you wander to and fro, and it seems that you will never arrive at the land flowing with milk and honey (available at the coffee shop, formerly the Lady Chapel). Many seek to drive but can only putt (all right, I made up that Biblical quotation).

Durham: Abundance of peace so long as the moon endureth. Ps 72:7.

Saints Cuthbert and Bede look benevolently on, as the mighty cathedral of Durham celebrates moon-worship. Whether you are a genuine lunatic (in which case an anthem of Howells is provided), or simply astronomically minded, you cannot fail to be spiritually nourished by the sight of the lunar orb.

Norwich again: Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind. Gen 1:24.

While the dean was in hospital suffering from a compound fracture (see above), her deputy realised that the best way to celebrate God's creation was with Dippy the Plastic Dinosaur. It is true that the Diplodocus is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, but it was realised that a plastic goat skeleton would not bring in so many tourists save so many souls.

York: Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging. Prov. 20:21.

Well, we charged people an exorbitant fee to enter York Minster, but we really need more money. So a gin and rum festival is certain to bring out one of the true messages of Christianity: after all, did not Jesus turn water into gin and rum at Cana? Oh, by the way, the cathedral is closed to worshippers today, but all boozers, drunkards and alcoholics are welcome!

The Book of Covidicus 19: Bosis's popularity waneth

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer.

2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike.

3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

"Alas, this mask beareth no instructions."

4. Also, many had received the vixen that protecteth man from all diseases, and were therefore awarded the title of "first class citizen".

5. Those who refused the vixen, perhaps because they thought it was evil, or they thought it was useless, or they thought it was dangerous, became second-class citizens.

6. They were forced to carry a bell with them, which they rang, and to cry "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" as they walked through the streets feeding on scraps of rotten food.

7. Although Bo-sis had promised that there would be no preference given to those who had received the vixen, neither would there be passports that they could carry.

Criminals guilty of vax evasion.

8. Also, there was a shortage of people to drive the ox-carts on which food was delivered. Thus, there was no food in the markets (although it mostly seemed to affect those people who had voted to remain in EU-gypt).

9. Still, life was even worse in other lands. In the land of Australis, where men walk upon their heads, all the people were locked in their homes, and the officers of the law, like unto a roaring wallaby, walked about, seeking whom they might devour.

10. Even in the land of EU-gypt, where man could no longer feast on the leg of the snail and the frog, or possibly the other way round, the people suffered much. Many crossed the Red Sea in small boats, that they might come to the promised land of Bri-tain, which flowed with milk and honey (deliveries permitting).

11. Then Bo-sis had a new idea, that all the children of Bri-tain should be taxed (as well as vaxed).

12. For he said, "We must protect the National Health Service, that hath saved so many lives. For if thou sufferest from the plague, then all thou needst do is to call them, and they will tell thee how to make an Intensive Care Unit using a lawnmower and a bicycle pump in thy garden shed. For it is too dangerous for a doctor to see thee.

13. And now these people need our money, that they may appoint more managers, equality and diversity officers, and dancing coordinators.

Bo-sis prepareth to deliver "social care".

14. Also we shall see that no man payeth more than six-and-eighty gold pieces for care in his old age: for we shall kill him when the money is spent."

15. And the people began to mutter "Mayhap Keir, chief of the Labourites, is not much more useless than Bo-sis."

Continued in Chapter 20.

Joe Biden explains the use of Catholic artefacts

As all my readers will know, President Joe Biden is one of the most devout Catholics who ever lived. Although it was a long time ago, he once said to a crowd:

"The next Republican that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads down their throat."

We therefore rushed to interview him about the uses of other Catholic artefacts.

Open your mouth, Donald!

Do you have a crucifix handy? This can be used to deal a nasty blow to the back of the head. Most churches also contain heavy Bibles, and these are essentially blunt instruments which can cause life-threatening wounds.

Why do you think churches have candles? So that they can be lit, of course. And what to we do with a lighted candle? Why, stuff it, flame first into your neighbour's ear. Or mouth. C'mon man!

Armed and ready for action.

Incense is another good weapon. If your neighbour has already swallowed your rosary beads without collapsing, then a good handful of the dry powder should help to choke him.

If that doesn't work, then there may be a baptismal font handy, and devout Catholics should be able to show their devoutness by drowning other less devout Catholics.

Your church may also be blessed with useful relics. Skulls, for example, make excellent missiles, and arm and leg bones can be used to deal a nasty injury to anyone who still says that you are not religious.

Ready for throwing at your political enemies.

When you have finished assaulting your neighbour ("the sign of peace"), don't forget to received Communion! Joe says it's OK, and Joe is a devout man.

Other suggestions may be left here, and will be passed on to President Biden the next time I see him at Mass.

How to be a shy pope

We have already seen several pieces on "How to be a good pope", designed especially for those readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

But you may say, "I am too shy to be pope." There are certainly precedents for this.

The problems of a shy pope.

One very notable shy pope was John-Paul I, who refused to do anything that might draw attention to himself. No interfering with forms of worship, no heretical encyclicals, not even a spot of idol-worship. Indeed, he was so shy that he decided that the best thing to do was to die quickly.

Now we don't recommend this route. Let's say that you are elected at the age of 76 (if you are from the Philippines and good at liturgical dancing you may make it sooner), so you probably have about 20 years more to get through. You may, if very shy, retire early and spend your declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, but let's suppose you have at least 10 years of active popery.

One way to deal with shyness, but don't do it too often.

No banging on the table, then! Although you may shyly slap the occasional pilgrim. But that doesn't mean you can't, shyly, make changes of your own. For example, say that you want to forbid the Lord's Prayer, as being something that irritates you. Explain timidly that it is divisive - schismatic, if you like - and certainly against the Spirit of Vatican II. Leave it to the bishops to prevent use of the Lord's Prayer: then the faithful will blame THEM and not YOU. Oh, but I forgot - do praise that predecessor of yours who first allowed use of the Lord's Prayer - probably, St Peter in this case - but explain that it was time to "review" its use.

To take another example. Suppose that you have a passion for the Mexican God Huitzilopochtli, the recipient of many human sacrifices from the Aztecs. Then you can be photographed absent-mindedly attending such a human sacrifice (perhaps as part of a synod): by now some stooge will have written a biography of you, Fred - the shy pope, and he can be relied upon to explain to the faithful that the Huitzilopochtli statues actually represent a Catholic saint - let's say, St Joseph - and that the tearaway Austrian who threw some into the Tiber was definitely a fascist.

"He's very shy you know. Too humble to complain about this."

One final example. It is part of the job description for a pope that he should churn out the odd encyclical or apostolic exhortation. You may not be very good at this, and will no doubt include the odd dozen errors - heresies, that sort of thing. Some cheeky cardinals are likely to notice and send you Dubia (a Latin word meaning "Are you crazy?") It would be very embarrassing for a shy pope to get into a theological debate, but all you have to do is ignore them. Again your closest pals will explain how wicked the cheeky cardinals are... not proper Catholics you know... responsible for climate change... not sympathetic to Fr Martin James your LGBT friend... Meanwhile, you sit shyly in the corner reading a novel.

The Mass that Divides

Subtitled "Austen Ivereigh goes to Church."

To understand why Pope Francis decided to persecute worshippers in the traditional Roman rite, his biographer spent two months diligently searching for some people who actually thought Francis was right, and finally located some in Ledbury.

The thriving Novus Ordo community of Ledbury (a huge crowd of 25 people who turn up at 9.30 and rush away quickly to avoid the Eucharistic Devotion and other divisive rituals) is up in arms because of the 11.30 Missa Cantata, attended by a mere handful of 40 people from three counties, who insist on divisive prayers such as the Rosary and share their divisive packed lunches afterwards, selfishly excluding those who prefer to stay in bed.

Dr Austin Powers.

Between the church and the car park, a late-middle-aged woman approaches with a broad smile. At first she starts saying how much she enjoyed the Two Ronnies, but then I point out that I am not the late Ronnie Corbett, and she becomes more serious. In the background I hear a murmuring from other parishioners "ROTA LAUSI BIO GRAPHI" as some of them recognise me. "That's Latin, you know," she says, and bursts into tears. "This was such a lovely parish, which used to have the ancient 1970s Vatican II (genuflects) liturgy, with the priest smiling at us cheekily throughout the Lord's Meal. But Fr Wiltshire sidelined us all, banned my Pachamama doll, and turned his back on us."

Following Traddies Cussed, Fr Wiltshire is technically breaking the law as Archbishop George Stack has not formally given him permission for the Divisive Mass to continue. Nobody in the parish objected when Fr Wiltshire conducted a 5.30 a.m. Divisive Mass once ever three months, but when the ritual started to be taken seriously they revolted.

A victim of the far-right divisive fascist traditional Mass.

"Huge divisive candles! Alt-right kneelers! Fascist packed lunches!" No wonder so many parishioners have fled to other parishes, where they can hear a truly vernacular Mass in the Herefordshire dialect ("oo-arr!") Nearby there are other vernacular masses in the Afghan Pashto and Dari tongues.

"Mona" (not her real name) tells me that she is disenfranchised. "It is the worst persecution Catholics have suffered since Henry VIII cut their heads off. Fr Wilshire even cut my head off when I complained to him. Of course it grew again after I prayed to St Paul VI."

But now with Traddies Cussed there is hope that 1960s normality will be restored. All the worshippers in the old rite are ancient, senile, and decrepit, so will probably die soon. Apart from the young families. Oh and the teenagers. And the children. But my point remains: THEY WILL DIE ONE DAY.

The sort of fascist whose jackboots are trampling over the Novus Ordo.

Pope Francis sent out a survey to bishops last year - you know, the guys who attend Masses two or three times a year - asking them whether they hated the TLM a little, a lot, or a hugey-biggy-gorblimey-lot. Yorkshire-born Archbishop Arthur Rogue was tasked with analysing the results, using fool-proof Dominion software and an extra batch of responses recently received from China. Conclusion: KILL THE TRADDIES.

A few paragraphs of waffle deleted here, sorry Austen. I know you're trying to rebrand yourself as an academic but you seem to have used a computer to write this next bit. Still, the bit where you mention someone close to the Pope is very good, and Signora Moppi the Cleaner's words "with charity, understanding and courage" describe Pope Francis's reign perfectly!

One of the Pope's closest advisers.

Finally, I spoke to young virile Archbishop George Stack (75), who said, "I did enjoy the Two Ronnies! Oh, you're not. Anyway, don't bother me with this. I just want a quiet life, so I'll do whatever pleases the Pope most."

Will the people of Ledbury get their church back? Will English Catholics worship in English as they have since the days of St Augustine? Or will they be forced to attend divisive far-right masses with candles? In the next instalment of my 26-part essay on "Pope Francis the God" I will explore this further.

Sheriff of Nottingham sends palmer into exile

Sherwood Forest, A.D. 1192 (approx.)

Vassals of the Sheriff of Nottingham, Shearer West, have reacted violently to the news that a distinguished palmer, Friar "David" Tuck, is a perfectly normal Catholic, by exiling him as an outlaw. Fr Tuck had been named as chaplain to the Catholic youths in Nottingham by the local bishop, but it came to the attention of the Shearer's serfs that he was actually a serious Catholic, and not too keen on local customs such as abortion and assisted suicide. Apparently, Tuck used social media (tying a note to an arrow and firing it into the chambers of the Shearer) to communicate standard Catholic teaching, and this was badly received.

Rigid Catholics (outlaws).

A spokesman for the Shearer of Nottingham commented, "David the palmer is really quite a merry man, and he is welcome to any views he wishes, as long as he doesn't try to communicate them to others. Why can't he be a devout pilgrim, like Joseph of Afghanithea, currently on a crusade somewhere near the Holy Land? Joseph welcomes the slaughter of innocents, and nobody turns a hair!"

Friends of Friar Tuck have rushed to his defence. "Nottingham welcomes many heathen faiths: there are other Christian chaplains and even Saracen and Jewish chaplains. Most of these slavishly give their pronouns as 'he/him' or 'she/her' to show that they are truly woke," said Robin Hood (he/him). Little John (he/him) and Will Scarlet (also he/him) agreed, but wondered whether firing an arrow into the Shearer of Nottingham's arm might have been an unsuitable use of social media.

All facts verified by 1066 and all that.

Nottingham has a certain track record of harassing Catholics: Maid Marian Rynkiewicz (she/her), a pro-life student, had received her degree a year late because the local clerks objected to her beliefs, although she received a settlement involving bags of gold.

The Bishop of Nottingham (His Lordship/His Lordship) has been asked to nominate another chaplain, one who isn't too serious about the faith, but since no Jesuits will be available for several hundred years, he has refused.