Who would call the pope a heretic?

With apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

"But, Holmes, why should anyone shout 'Pope, you are a heretic!' at Pope Francis?" I asked the great detective.

"A very good question, Watson" replied my friend, strumming a few bars of "Mary, did you know?" on his Becciu fiddle ("it prefers used notes").

"Πάπα, είσαι αιρετικός."

I refer, of course, to the scandalous events of December xxxx, when Pope Francis made a journey to Greece. Initially the Athenians were very disappointed, complaining "The Thessalonians and Corinthians got St Paul, but all we get is Pope Francis." Still, his minders assured the Greeks that soon Francis would be a saint, and probably regarded even more highly than Paul, since he spent so much time correcting him.

"It could, of course, be that old chestnut about Filioque" I suggested. "But surely nobody really gets excited about this nowadays? We're all expecting Francis to rewrite the creed soon, anyway, to include something about Mohammed, Luther, Henry VIII, and the Spirit of Vatican II."

"No, Watson," replied my friend. "But have you thought that the very hairy man could be a Catholic in disguise? Alexander Tschugguel, maybe? Or Father Z? Perhaps Dr Joseph Shaw? Even Cardinal Burke?"

I stared at the photograph of the generously-bearded man, but could not recognise anyone I knew. I also had other doubts.

Pope Francis will write an epistle to the Lesbians, on the advice of Fr James Martin SJ.

"But why would a Catholic want to call the pope a heretic?" I demanded. "Francis leads a very 'orthodox' life, as far as I know. His Amoris Laetitia is admired worldwide as a totally new approach to morality; his collection of Pachamama idols has enriched Catholic worship immeasurably; his changes to the Lord's Prayer have made it much more friendly."

"It is strange, indeed," agreed Holmes. "Indeed his Traditionis Custodes has brought joy to so many people - or at least to the ones who really matter. One might say that he is the most popular pope since the Borgialios, er, Borgias."

"Could the bearded man be Austen Ivereigh?" I suggested. "Trying to get some more material for his nineteenth book about Pope Francis? Since everyone in the Catholic Church - even the bishops - has now decided to ignore everything Francis says, the little scribbler must be running out of exciting material."

Holmes looked at me with amazement. "Watson, my friend!" he exclaimed. "Sometimes you surprise me!"

Not to be continued.

The Book of Covidicus 21: the Omicron cometh

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. It came to pass that Bo-sis lost confidence in his advisers, be they the wise Sages, Neil, son of Ferguson, or even Sajidiah the bald.

2. Thus he went to visit the wise woman Pepperoni, blessed with a face like a hairdryer, who, as many cruel men said, came from a tribe of swine.

The wise woman Pepperoni.

3. And Bo-sis came back in great excitement, telling all the world that Pepperoni was most wondrous wise, and that he had learned a lot from her.

4. But what he had learned no man shall never know, for soon afterwards there came another deadly form of the plague.

5. This one was named Omicron although it should have more properly have been named after Xi-who-must-be-obeyed, the Emperor of China.

Xi-who-must-be-obeyed (pronouns Xi/Xer).

6. And this plague was the most deadly of all, as it had no effects whatsoever.

7. So Bo-sis spake out, saying, "If thou feelest healthy, then most probably thou hast caught the new plague, and should retire to thy bed for a month."

8. "For otherwise thou mayst infect thy neighbour, and he too will feel healthy."

9. And the people replied, "Now, that is the kind of plague that I like!"

10. Still, to be on the safe side, Bo-sis decreed that all men should once more cover their faces in the markets and also in the chariots known as public transport.

Bo-sis discovereth a strange side-effect of the latest vixen.

11. However, for the moment, he did not insist that all the world should be vaxed.

12. For in foreign countries, such as the southern land known as Australis where men tied down kangaroos for sport, those who refused the seventh vixen were cast into the camps of concentration and left to starve.

13. Thus proving that the death rate among the unvaxed could be very high.

Continued in Chapter 22.

Beatitudes for popes

Since Pope Francis has kindly produced eight modern non-rigid Vatican-II compatible platitudes beatitudes for bishops (yes, really), we felt it would be helpful to produce a similar set for the use of popes. It may be regarded as the latest in our "How to be a good pope" series.

1. Blessed is the pope who makes poverty and sharing his lifestyle: this could include spending his humble wealth on financing lewd films, or perhaps speculating in the property market. For with his witness he is building the kingdom of Heaven, or at least some very nice apartment blocks.

For sale. One infallible owner. Cash only.

2. Blessed is the pope who does not fear to water his face with tears, or if he cannot manage this, at least does not fear to scowl a lot. His face will mirror the sorrows of the people, which may mysteriously seem much worse these days.

3. Blessed is the pope who considers his ministry a service and not a power, who serves his flock by stamping out old-fashioned forms of Catholic worship. He will inhabit the land promised to the meek (having first kicked out the meek).

4. Blessed is the pope who does not close himself in the palaces of government, who welcomes visitors with Dubia to ask, or those with severe reservations about the state of the Church in distant oriental countries. For he will become a Zen master. [Is this what you meant to say? A. Spadaro.]

Welcoming the pilgrim.

5. Blessed is the pope who has a heart for the misery of the world, who is not scandalized by the sin and fragility of those such as Uncle Ted who helped him get the job. For he too may need some powerful friends one day.

6. Blessed is the pope who wards off duplicity of heart, who avoids every ambiguous dynamic. Although for a Jesuit this may be impossible, so let's leave this one until later.

7. Blessed is the pope who works for peace, who accompanies the paths of reconciliation, who welcomes new religions, especially pagan ones. For Mother Earth will bless him as her son.

"Pachamama will be along later."

8. Blessed is the pope who for the sake of modernism does not fear to go against the tide, inventing new doctrines. For he knows that the Catholic Church must take a U-turn and go in a new direction every few years.

From the Sermon in the Plane.

Arthur Roche for Pope!

As seen on the "Where's Peter?" blog.

Pope Francis has done a wonderful job in his eight years as Vice-God - he's never put a foot wrong. Even the death of Fra' Matthew Festing this week has only reminded us of one of Francis's early achievements, the conquering of the Sovereign Order of Malta, a diplomatic triumph similar to Vladimir Putin's annexation of parts of Ukraine.

But all good things must come to an end, and, although it is probable that Francis, as a superhuman being, is actually immortal (unlike Festing, ha ha), we should have a pope-in-waiting in case he leaves us, possibly by direct Assumption into Heaven.

Uncle Arthur gets our vote!

Alas, the St Gallen Mafia - which gave us our wonderful Argentinian pope - is in disarray, with some members dead, others senile, and others in hiding from the police. Who will take their place? Well, we have it on the highest authority that Blase Cupich will be starting up a St Valentine Mafia (named after the Chicago Mafia's most famous massacre), and is gathering together a group of like-minded people, each too ludicrous to be himself a serious contender for the papacy. "Dancing" Tagle, "Uncle Wilt" Gregory, and "Nighty-Night" Tobin are all expected to participate, with "Real Estate" Becciu as treasurer, and Austen Ivereigh as secretary, dogsbody, and maker of tea.

Already one name is springing out of the woodwork - Arthur Wensleydale Boycott Roche, the bluff former ice-skater* from Yorkshire. The man who told us that the traditional Mass was abrogated, even though several popes had said it wasn't. A man who will GET HIS OWN WAY.

* According to Damian Thompson.

Eventually Uncle Arthur realised that he should retire from ice-skating.

Uncle Arthur will be a worthy person to run the Vatican. It is true that after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, the stately pleasure-dome he occupied when bishop of Leeds, he may find the place a little cramped. But he is prepared to make such sacrifices.

But so far the great man is not even a cardinal. What is Pope Francis playing at? Aren't you sick of the old buffer sometimes? CURSES, WHAT AM I SAYING?

Pope Arthur will not wear the traditional zucchetto.

New ApartTrad system announced

Following the issue of Traditionis Custodes, Pope Francis has now decided a name for the new "first class" and "second class" system under which the Catholic Church will be organized from now on - it will be known as ApartTrad.

A typical ApartTrad notice.

First Class (Novus Ordo) Catholics - the ones that Pope Francis expects to see in Heaven with no questions asked - will be given full facilities for offering the post-Vatican II Mass. This will be in "vernacular" of course, although in another ten years from now, Francis intends to insist on Italian ("like Jesus spoke") since all other languages will be condemned as divisive, not to mention racist, fascist and major causes of climate change.

Second Class (Traditional Latin Mass) Catholics - already labelled "Satanic" by some of Francis's attack poodles - will have to struggle to find a place where their perverted liturgies can be offered. At present a twenty-mile walk to Mass is considered reasonable, but as the restrictions begin to bite, there will only be a few "Concentration Camps" in which those old fogeys (some of them as young as 3) will be allowed to congregate.

Amal Clooney is sent to check on Cardinal Nichols's orthodoxy.

Of course there are many people who attend both EF and NO Masses, and they are advised to establish their First Class credentials as soon as possible, before the new "yellow star" system is introduced to identify the TLM plebs.

Other sacraments will soon be denied to the Seond Class Catholics. No Marriage ("we don't want them breeding!" joked Francis), no Confession/Reconciliation (this has already largely disappeared in the Novus Ordo, since so many sins have been reclassified as "no problem, guys"), and of course no Ordination ("MORE Satanic priests? I think not!)

Of course some sins are still recognised.

Already the Vatican has received worldwide condemnation for its new ApartTrad system, with such paragons of religious freedom as China, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan reeling in horror at the cruel persecution seen in the Catholic Church. So there are hopes that President Francis may yet moderate his policy.

Arthur Roche v Agatha Christie

Arthur Roche, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments, today admitted that he had "never heard of Agatha Christie".

Friday was the 50th anniversary of the indult given by Pope Paul VI permitting the use of the Traditional Latin Mass in England and Wales. For those who don't know, it is sometimes called the Agatha Christie Indult because one of the high-profile signatories of the petition that led to it was Agatha Christie herself (read the Wikipedia article to see who else signed). It is said that Pope Paul VI was an Agatha Christie fan, which helped to get the indult.

Dear Holy Father...

However, the story does not end there. Uncle Arthur, in a mysterious letter to Cardinal Nichols, has claimed that the CDW had no record of this indult (and anyway, if a copy were to turn up, then of course Merciful Francis's "De Traditione Comburendo" Mot. prop. would supersede it).

"I've never even heard of this Agatha Christie," claimed the fat man. "They tell me that she's a writer of detective stories, such as The Mysterious Affair at Rome, Why didn't they ask Benedict?, Death on the Tiber, and Hickory Dickory Doctrine (and I take that as a personal insult), but I find that hard to believe. Anyway, I prefer Father Brown, especially this new man on the television who is basically an Anglican."

A twist in the plot.

Lieutenant Columbo happened to be passing at the time. "Just one more thing, before I go, Archbishop," he commented. "I see that your CDW shredder isn't working too well, and I happened to find this page on which some words are readable. Here's one bit. Dear Agatha. And here's another bit. Of course ... never abrogate .. Traditional Mass. Oh, here's one more fragment. How about a novel ... ambitious Yorkshireman ... cardinal despite ... totally useless? Any idea what these could refer to, your Grace?"

"No idea," responded Archbishop Roche. "I'm only the Prefect of the CDW. I'm too busy for that kind of stuff. Why, some people keep telling me that there was a Pope Benedict whose words totally contradict Trad. Comb. I've never heard of him. Officially, he never existed."

Found in the CDW archives.

Now, Arthur old man, about your other great blunder, saying that the TLM was abrogated... well, you can see that demolished elsewhere by Fr Hunwicke . And in many other places.

The Book of Covidicus 20: the Synod of Glasgow

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. It came to pass that Bo-sis tired of preaching the good news about masks and vixens, and turned his attention to prophesying the end of the world.

2. For the children of Br-tain were obediently getting their first jabs, their second jabs, and even their very important Booster Jabs.

3. Although, owing to a fault in the the supplies, some received Wooster Jabs instead, and cried out, saying, "What Ho! It is time to go and steal a cow-creamer!"

Entrance by invitation only.

4. However, Bo-sis was more worried that the world was about to be consumed by fire, and so he summoned a mighty synod called COP in the far wilderness known as Glasgow.

5. Thus from distant lands there came all the great and good, or at least all the rich, such as Bill Gates of Hell, Greta Thunderbird, Prince Charles (the mighty ruler who talked to the trees), and Joseph of Bidenia, who came with a train of four score and five camels, all bearing sanitary products.

6. And for forty days and forty nights (or at least it seemed like it) the synod raged on, as the guests explained how the the world could be saved if only all the people not present were to stop eating, drinking, taking shelter, and heating themselves, but would pay more taxes.

"Zzzz!" Boris payeth attention to the wise words ("Blah blah blah") of Greta.

7. Meanwhile, the COP synod had received a blessing from the Lord, and nobody present needed to wear masks, to take the vixen, or to be socially distant. Except the servants.

8. Then the rain descended, and the winds blew, as is normal in Glasgow for three hundred and three score days of the year. And the guests at the COP synod said, "Verily, this is due to climate change.

9. For, as the psalmist saith, Fire, hail, snow, ice, stormy winds which fulfill his word: all these are signs of climate change."

"Zzzz!" Another gripping moment at the synod.

10. So, after feasting and drinking, Bo-sis returned home, and planned what more he could do to serve the children of Bri-tain.

11. "Now we must ban fossil fuels," said he. "No longer will people be allowed to burn the Ammonites, the Belemnites, or the Trilobites."

12. For these were neighbouring tribes that the children of Bri-tain were wont to burn to heat their homes.

13. "From now on we have Net Zero," he explained. "In the day time, the sun will heat your homes, and at night ye shall use heat pumps. And probably die."

"Each time thou burnest an ammonite part of Manchester disappeareth under water. So there's a plus side to everything."

14. Thus the children of Bri-tain learned that the plague was not the most serious thing that threatened them.

Continued in Chapter 21.

The Gift of Traditionis Custodes

We are truly honoured today, in that His Eminence Cardinal Blase Cupich, winner of the 2019 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has asked us to publish an excerpt from his Prattle blog.

A worthy winner - but there is some promising new talent on the horizon.

I think it is important to point out from the outset that a careful reading of the motu proprio reveals the Holy Father's intention in issuing this document. Simply put, it is to give the wretched traddies a kick in the teeth! How dare they reject all the innovations of the present saintly pope, such as Amoris Laetitia and Pachamama! Filial Corrections! DUBIA! I spit on your Dubia! Being all so much holier-than-thou because they use obsolete forms of worship, read obsolete books like the Bible, and hold to obsolete notions such as morality!

I don't think this will go down too well, Eminence, so shall we start again? Have some Valium before you start.

Oh all right. The pope's intentions are to reform the Roman Rite by getting rid of it. We all know how good Reform is. Do we not celebrate the Reformation? The word "reform" means something, namely that we leave behind old ways of celebrating the sacraments, and make up new ones. Modernize, Build Back Better, Blah blah blah © St Greta, SMASH THE TRADS...

"You called TC a 'gift'?"

Eminence! More Valium?

Yes, sorry. We need to express the unity of the Church by stamping on all those who don't like 1960s ideas. Remember the liturgical books promulgated by the saintly popes Paul VI, John-Paul II and Francis, in conformity with the decrees of the Holy and Blessed Second Vatican Council. Between the years of 33 AD and 1965 the Church had got everything entirely wrong, and these saintly popes^TM made it clear that we must leave behind our former ideas of prayer, kneeling, worship, solemnity, and holiness, and instead we must PARTY PARTY PARTY.

There are three guiding principles that Pope Francis provides for implementing TC.

The Unity of the Church. Pope Francis has united the Catholic Church in that everyone thinks he is a complete idiot. No, I didn't mean that. I mean that he has united the church by bashing those whose views differ from his own.

The Second Vatican Council and its reforms were the work of the Holy Spirit and are in continuity with the tradition of the Church. Continuity with tradition is an important phrase here - it means changing everything completely.

The role of the bishop as the sole moderator and guardian of liturgical life in his diocese. Yes, since all he needs to do is exactly what Pope Francis wants him to do. He has complete freedom of action. You don't imagine that I became a cardinal by thinking for myself, do you?

From now on, this is the preferred form of worship.

And now try and say the following without giggling.

I believe that we can use this opportunity to help all of our people come to a fuller understanding of the great gift that the Council has given us in reforming the way we worship. I take seriously my obligation to move forward in a way that promotes a return to a unitary celebratory form in accord with the directives of TC, but in the meantime, we all need to pray, as Jesus did the night before he died, that all may be one.

When Emperor Nero met St Peter

Rome, AD 66 (approx.)

St Luke, Reporter for EWTN, writes:

1. O Theophilus, it is indeed wearisome to write my words in numbered verses, but as you know, all writers of this day and age are doing so, and I shall not rebel.

2. It came to pass that Pope Peter and the Emperor Nero met in Rome, and spent five and seventy minutes together. Nero dozed for sixty minutes, and they spake for fifteen.

Where Peter is. And Nero.

3. Alas, I was not permitted to be present, and no official account of the meeting was released, so we cannot be sure what was said.

4. However, the Emperor Nero Josephus Robinetticus Bidenicus hath given some account of his words with Pope Peter, and no man dareth doubt their truth.

5. After greeting Peter, and sniffing his hair, Nero discussed weighty matters with him, such as his plans for a climate change conference in Pompeii thirteen years hence.

6. According to reports, the question of Nero's morals did not arise: the Great Fire of Rome, at which Nero played the Martius Haugenus anthem "Gather us in" on his lyre, causing terror among the populace, was not mentioned.

7. Likewise, the subsequent burning of Christians did not arise as a question that needed to be discussed.

"Build Back Better." In this picture we see a notorious lyre.

8. However, in the words of Nero himself, whom all must believe: "Pope Peter told me that I was a good Catholic, and that I should keep receiving Communion."

9. Indeed it is true that Peter's Letter to the Amoral Laetitians hath said that mass murder should not be a bar to receiving the Lord.

10. All we can say is that, following his meeting with Pope Peter, the President Nero hath redoubled his persecution of Christians, Chinese, Afghans, babies, etc. etc.

11. Indeed, Peter himself hath been crucified, Paul is on the "wanted" list, and I too am in deep trouble.

Written from the Catacombs.

What happened after Francis left

As I walked through the wilderness of this world, I lighted on a certain place where was a den, and laid me down in that place to sleep; and as I slept, I dreamed a dream. I dreamed...*

It was two weeks after the departure of Pope Francis from the chair of St Peter. In my dream it was not clear to me whether he had died, resigned, been carried off to the funny farm, or been arrested by the Swiss Guard. In any case, a conclave had been held and Cardinal Sarah was quickly elected Pope. Nobody wanted a Francis II, and even the Cupiches and Marxes realised that they could not get away with it.

Noisy popes? Who on earth did Cardinal Sarah have in mind?

Pope Pius XIII (as he now was) wasted no time in tidying up the mess left by his predecessor. When he emtered the papal apartments he removed all the Pachamama idols that were cluttering up the place and burned them in public - tschugguelling them into the Tiber left the risk that they might be fished out again. He made the possession of the Pachamama dolls an excommunicable offence - much to the distress of Austen Ivereigh, who had planned to give his nearest and dearest Pachamamas for Christmas.

No longer needed in the Catholic Church.

Then he turned his attention to some of Pope Francis's writings. Instantly he repealed Traditionis Custodes, much to the distress of Arthur Roche, who turned out to have backed the wrong horse. Uncle Arthur was taken away from the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments and sent back to his native Batley to sort out the problems of the schoolteacher who was in hiding after showing his class a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. We did not see him again.

Amoris Laetitia was next for the bonfire, and the Dubia were answered with a definite "No, yes, yes, yes, yes!" to the delight of the surviving cardinals, Vice-Popes Burke and Brandmüller.

"Synods?" said the new pope. "Who needs synods, let alone synods about synods? They're cancelled, and anyone seen trying to set up a synod will be severely disciplined by the new Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, now renamed the Inquisition once more."

A tense moment in discussions at the Batley Townswomen's Synod.

"A good morning's work," said Pius XIII. "I'm now going to visit Emeritus Pope Benedict for lunch, and see whether he has any more suggestions."

In the afternoon of the first day the new pope excommunicated Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, sacked Jeffrey Sachs, and laicised Fr James Martin LGBTSJ. "Francis bullied the Order of Malta, and the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate," he told his friends. "I have my sights on the Jesuits and their Satanic America magazine."

Then he sorted out the German bishops and turned his attention to China, and ...

Unfortunately, it was only a dream.

*John Bunyan.

Catholics keep out!

It is becoming increasingly obvious that Christians - and especially Catholics - are not welcome in public life, and should know that their rightful place is in hiding or on the scaffold.

Crime scene, as seen on television.

Midsomer Murders, episode 3019. Chief Inspector Barnaby (either the one with the crazy wife or the one with the boring dog, it doesn't matter) turns up with his usual jovial cry of "Hello, George, what have you got for me today?". The pathologist, Kate Wilding, gives him a puzzled glance and replies.

"Well Tom, or do I mean John? Anyway, you can see that this chap has had his nostrils stuffed with plutonium (as it is episode 3019 we are running out of original ways to kill people), and he has been dead about six weeks."

"Let me through, I'm a priest!"

An evil cackling priest walks by. Barnaby realises that this must be the criminal, but his contract says that he must wait until there have been another three murders before finally arresting him.

Next, the British Army turns up and asks to drive its tanks all over the place where the dead body is lying. "Don't you realise this is a crime scene? Go away!"

The general in charge replies, "But China has invaded Midsomer and we are the last line of defence!"

"This is still a crime scene. Go away!"

Crime scene, in reality.

A man is dying from stab wounds. The 999 emergency services are called, "Which service do you require: Fire, Priest, or Ambulance? There's no use calling the police, they're all out on gay pride marches."

In fact the priest is the last to arrive. At the crime scene there is already a blood-crazed assassin, several witnesses, an NHS troupe of nurses doing a dance to put on Youtube, and six policemen with alsatians who wandered in having heard reports that someone had been using the wrong pronouns.

A crime scene.

"Let me in, I'm Father Brown, a Catholic priest. I want to give the dead man the Last Rites. This is a fundamental part of the Catholic faith."

"Get out. This is a crime scene. We can't have it contaminated."

A CRASH! is heard as a sergeant in size-14 boots trips over the dying man.

"On second thoughts, Rev, I'm arresting you. On television it's always the priest wot dunnit."

"I want to question you about all those dead bodies in your churchyard."

The Accelerated Dying Legislation.

To their great credit, church leaders are fairly united in opposing the proposed "Yes, you can push your granny off a bus if she's rich enough and too confused to say 'No'" legislation. One exception is George Carey, star of Carey on Killing, the retired Christian who was once Archbishop of Canterbury. But they are put in their place by a learned professor, one Alice Roberts, who has contributed two brilliant pieces to this blog in the past, namely the amazing revelations that Miracles are just a bit... unlikely and Dead people don't come back to life.

Alice hits the nail with her head on the head.

She's got a good point, hasn't she? But we should go further. People with religious views, whether they be popes (no, he won't say anything helpful), bishops, priests, or laymen - even Anglicans devoted to this blog, such as Giles Fraser and Peter Hitchens - SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT. We welcome atheist leaders like, er, little Alice in Blunderland, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS.

Got the message, Catholics? You're not wanted. Ask Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth I. And any Anglicans - or even atheists - who agree with you about the morality of Accelerated Suicide - why, you're just closet Catholics! Get lost!

"It's no use complaining now. Mr Gates's App said you'd consented to dying. Don't worry, we'll get the bug fixed in the next release."

Cowboys and Indians in the Catholic Church

Usually in games of cowboys and Indians we take the side of the cowboys, but today we're changing sides and supporting the Indians. Archbishop Charles Chaput, whose Potawatomi name is "the wind that rustles the leaves of the tree" has dealt a mortal blow to Austen, the Lone Whinger, and his sidekick Massimo.

The wind that rustles the poison ivereigh.

In a brilliant showdown the big chief has rushed to the defence of the fair maid Ewtn, daughter of Mother Angelica, who was under siege from a gang of misguided cowboys. Ewtn's supporters fought back with bows and arroyos, but a massacre looked likely, especially when Wild Joe Bergoglio and Jessie James Martin waded into the battle, guns blazing.

The Lone Whinger is said to be very upset - as well he should be - since Big Chief Chaput endorsed his first book Wild Joe Bergoglio, the fastest gun in the West while also describing it as "grandiosely titled and with a light seasoning of snark". (Austen was having an off day and ran out of snark.) Apparently, it's his best book, as well.

The Lone Whinger's supporters rush to his defence.

Whereas Austen is a courtier of Wild Joe Bergoglio, his sidekick Massimo is enamoured of Buffalo Biden, the "holy man", hilariously saying "the parallel between Biden and 'Doc' Roncalli certainly offers hope from a historical point of view". Chaput is having none of this, and talks contemptuosuly of Biden's "slash and burn" massacres.

Finally, other members of the "Magniloquent Seven", such as the gringos, Spadaro and Figueroa, are also in line for a scalping. This time the Indians are the good guys, so go Chaput!

It's Pachamama Day!

Today has seen great rejoicing in the Catholic Church worldwide, as we remember the second anniversary of the drowning of the heathen idol Pachamama in the Tiber.

Baron Alexander von Tschugguel zu Tramin, who sank the Pachamama Fleet.

It was October 21st 1805 2019 when it became clear that Christian civilization was being menaced by the godless forces of the Francis Revolution and that a major battle was inevitable. So Admiral Lord Tschugguel sailed his fleet to Santa Maria in Traspontina, overcame the army of Pachamama under Admiral "le nain" Ivereigh, captured their primitive idols, and sank them.

From then onwards Emperor Napoglio struggled to control his church, although he made valiant attempts to dominate the world with tyrannical decrees such as Tradition est Coupée and a plague of demented synods. He frequently employed the motto "L'église, c'est moi!" but his days were numbered, although it took ten long years of strife before he met his Waterloo. After one last battle, Napoglio was finally deposed and exiled to St Helena. The monarchy was restored in the form of Le Roi Sarah.

Napoglio pines for his Pachamama dolls.

Good Samaritan arrested for looting

A correction.

Our star reporter Lambchop breaks the news.

We are grateful to Pope Francis, the celebrated climatologist, left-wing political agitator and part-time Catholic, for correcting the account in St Luke of the activities of the Good Samaritan ("Sam" to his friends). It seems that this well-known parable did not turn out exactly as reported by St Luke, and - like the Beatitudes, the Lord's Prayer and other Biblical errors - it required updating. Count your blessings that this was done by papal decree, and not another synod!

It seems that, after delivering the mugging victim to the inn, and binding up his wounds, Sam reacted in the only proper way. He embarked on a campaign of violence, setting fire to buildings, attacking random people who had nothing to do with the muggers, looting shoe shops (medieval paintings often show the Good Samaritan dressed in a pair of brand new Adidas trainers), and generally harassing anyone who got in his way.

"My mates and I will get them for this. And anyone else within 50 miles."

Other prominent figures from Jesus's parables also turn out to have led complicated lives. The man with the lost sheep, having found the poor animal, then went round to his neighbour's farms and set fire to their barns. The prodigal son, offered some fatted calf by his long-suffering father, accused him of letting his animals cause climate change, with the immortal words "You have stolen my childhood and your dreams."

Lazarus, in Abraham's bosom, mocked Dives as a "self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagian." The sower who was sowing seed, once he had finally worked out where the good soil was, ripped it up and threw it in the face of passers-by as a way of showing that he was a true custodian of tradition. Then he screamed at them because they were cross with him.

We are looking forward to Pope Francis's new encyclical Parabolae Perditae or Parables Lost, which will correct and re-interpret all the Biblical parables.

The second ever synod

All throughout history momentous decisions have been made by means of synods (and sometimes by synods about synods). We have already seen that the very first synod involved Adam, Eve and the Serpent, and that by a process of discernment it was agreed that the divine commandment ("do not eat the fruit of this tree") did not always apply, and that doctrine might evolve. By a process of discernment one might come to the conclusion that God had really meant "tuck in!"

So, twenty years later there was a second synod. Eden II, some called it, although it was held slightly outside the garden where Eden I had taken place. Mr Genesis taketh up the story.

Cain explaineth the decision of the synod to his brother Abel.

1. It came to pass that Cain, son of Adam, and his wife Awan held a synod.

2. For Adam, he who was the Head of the Church, had decreed that people should meet in small groups and discuss the teachings of the Church, and whether they might prefer some other teachings.

3. Thus Cain had called a synod on murder, that it might be decided whether murder was really a sin.

4. For, as he said, "My brother Abel vexeth me. For the Lord preferreth the firstlings of his flock to my offering of a low-fat vegan alternative."

5. And Awan replied, "Are you not your brother's keeper? How then may you slay him?"

6. Cain answered unto her, "This is something that we may decide by means of the synod. For hath not our father Adam given unto us the authority to consider what is good, and what is not good?"

7. "It is true," agreed Awan, "that we are told always to reject that which is old, that which is traditional, and that which changeth not. So I must agree with you, O Cain."

8. Thus it was decided that murder was no longer a sin: so Cain went out into the fields and slew his brother Abel.

9. And Adam saw that Abel was slain, and grieved over this. But then he spake out, saying, "Who am I to judge?"

10. And finally Cain went out from the Lord's presence and dwelt in the land of Sy-Nod, East of Eden.

Awan urgeth Cain to move to Germany and become a bishop.

How to receive papal guests

Yes, it's another one in our series "How to be a good pope", containing top tips for those readers who may end up with the big job without having a clue how to do it. There are no training courses available, not even Youtube videos, so future popes tend to come here for advice.

As a pope you will naturally receive visitors wishing to benefit from your wisdom, to give you a piece of their mind, or simply to get a bit of free publicity (thinking of you, Austen, Greta, Fr Jimbo...) Let's have a few case studies.

Tip 1: Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Anglican bishop of Norwich, Graham Usher, drops in, bearing sumptuous gifts, namely a jar of honey (formerly the property of Richard Dawkins) and a bee facemask (no, this is not something to protect bees from Covid-19). Now, this is the bishop in whose cathedral there was a helter-skelter two years ago and a plastic dinosaur skeleton this year. What can his Lordship possibly want? Is he going to advise you to set up a helter-skelter in the Sistine Chapel, or a dinosaur skeleton in St Peter's Basilica (a nasty jibe against the priests who used to be allowed to offer Masses there)? Or is it simply that he expects you to liven up the tombs of the saints by surrounding them with beehives?

Have a quick photo opportunity, and send him packing. Keep the honey, though, and wear the mask at your next papal audience to frighten the pilgrims.

Tip 1 (bis): Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Wicked Witch of the West is your next visitor. Another one seeking a photo opportunity, and perhaps a papal endorsement of her activities. You instantly find common ground with her - you both hate the Big Bad Orange Man - and you get on like a house on fire. Unfortunately you can't accede to her wishes that you donate a few million dollars to Planned Parenthood - Vatican finances are a bit rocky at the moment - but she has your blessing.

You hear later that she attended a Mass in Rome and was booed out. Well, that's been happening to you quite a lot recently, especially since you declared war on the entire pre-1960s Catholic Church - so you can sympathise.

And now some visitors you definitely don't want to welcome.

Tip 2: Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Cardinal Tao has arrived all the way from China, and wants an audience with you. There is absolutely nothing in this for you - no photo opportunity, just a 30-minute lecture on why it is a bad idea to let a totalitarian dictatorship run the Catholic Church in China. Pretend you're out. Pretend you're ill. Don't bother to pretend, just lock the doors.

Tip 2 (bis): Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Finally, one of those irritating Dubia cardinals is still trying to get in to see you. It's been nearly five years since four of them wrote a letter asking you to clarify Catholic teaching by answering five simple Yes/No questions. As a Jesuit, clarifying teaching would be unprecedented behaviour, and make you very unpopular with the Superior, Arturo Sausage. Clear off, Ray.

Which reminds me...

According to Wikipedia, the gentleman above is called a Dubia Roach. The name may remind you that there's a great fan of yours at the Congregation for Divine Worship who is looking for a red hat in an extra large fitting. Indeed, he recently said "the post-Vatican II missal of Paul VI is the 'richest' the Church has ever produced." Come on, invite him round for tea (order lots of cinnabons) and give him what he wants!

Pope Francis snubs Glasgow

The Climate Change^TM world is reeling in horror today with the news that Pope Francis will not be attending November's prestigious COP26 conference in Glasgow. In his place, he will be sending Vice-Pope Parolin, with various useful bits of advice such as "A Glasgow kiss is a head-butt, Pietro, so don't ask for one in Mass just before the Agnus Dei" and "Deep-fried Mars Bars are so disgusting that only Cardinal Dolan will eat them."

Naturally, there has been speculation about the Pope's reasons for crying off. Was it when he heard that Climate Change^TM had not actually reached Glasgow and the weather in November will be (in the local vernacular) "cald enow ta freeze the haggis off a poop, ya ken"?

Pope Francis shows an admiring audience how to save Mother Earth.

The Holy Father had already explained that he was attending in a purely secular capacity, and would not be creating any Scottish saints, attending Masses (och aye, use of the Scottish vernacular would have been a good way to prove its superiority over Latin, the noo), or even handing out Pachamama dolls. As a purely secular pope, he would have been attending as Jorge Mario Bergoglio (Vatican State), wearing a simple business suit made from the wool of low-carbon Argentinian llamas. But it was not to be.

Another theory to explain the Pope's absence is his well-known fear of St Greta of Thunberg. After her moving speech to the Swedish toddler group this week, where the words "blah blah blah" led to riotous applause, Pope Francis is naturally nervous in case she accuses him of stealing her dreams and childhood or describes his finely-crafted empty words as "blah blah blah". As he explains, "I've been getting enough of that sort of language from the Catholic Church ever since I decided to kick the TLM brigade in the teeth."

Greta is not the first person to wish that the pope would go on strike.

Well, so be it. COP26 will have to survive with Parolin, and without the pope jetting in we must expect Mother Earth to die just a little bit sooner. As St Greta puts it "HOW DARE YOU?"