Comedy award for Martin and Ive

The popular comedy duo, Martin and Ive, has just swept the board in the prestigious Francis Awards, defeating Cardinal Becciu's solo routine ("I would have been pope if only the press hadn't kept telling the truth about me"). So it seems only fair to share some of their finest jokes with our readers.

As with Morecambe and Wise, one of the duo has short fat hairy legs.

Let's start with Jimbo's comments on the Holy Spirit.

Great gag, Jim!

You see, unlike Vatican II, which was only inspired by the Holy Spirit, this new Vatican III is managed by the Holy Spirit. Take note, it wasn't Pope Francis waking up with a hangover one day and saying "How can I best undermine traditional Catholic teaching? I know - get a lot of heretics to write in, together with moaning Minnies with grudges, and turn the lot into an Even Newer Testament, saying it was inspired by the Holy Spirit." No, the Trinity in His Wisdom decided that the time had come to throw away 2000 years of teaching and start again!

Ivereigh explains blasphemy.

Yes, for 2000 years the disciples, saints, popes, doctors of the Church, etc. have been committing blasphemy. Simple doctrine like "No murder", "No adultery" and "No theft" can't be regarded as set in stone. Especially not adultery, which became "OK" again after Amoris Laetitia.

Note the way that the great comic Austen turns round Catholicism in order to parody it. In the old days it was blasphemy to subvert Catholic teaching, but now - ho ho - it is blasphemy to insist on it.

One more joke from Ivereigh to finish off? Yes, why not?

A new reversal of Catholic teaching.

The recipe is the same here, but still effective. It is modernism to reject modernism - have I got that right? What popes said in the past has to be interpreted using the totally contradictory wibbling of the present incumbent. But we must remember that Austen is an Oxford don - at Camp Hall (memo: check name), and this is what we call Oxford humour, and like "alternative" comedy, is not usually funny.

I've got it - contra-Chestertonian, that's what these guys are. GKC was a master of paradox, saying things that seemed absurd but turned out to have wisdom in them. Jim and Austen go in the opposite direction.

Anyway, congratulations on your "Francis" award, team!

"We wuz robbed."

The Last Trump Returns to Twitter

Yes, the Last Trump is back! The moment that we have all been waiting for - since the world is such a horrible place at present - can be expected to be announced on Twitter in the near future!

Two angels (with vuvuzela and bongo drums) practise for the Last Trump.

Until the arrival of the great Prophet Elon, the Last Trump was banned from Twitter. As a result, mankind has been forced to carry on digging itself into a deeper and deeper hole, because nothing can happen in this world unless it is announced on Twitter first. But now, following a democratic vote of all 10 billion people in the world (including bots), @RealLastTrump is back, and expected to Tweet PAAAAAARRPPPPP! any day now.

Of course, some people are not happy with the return of the Last Trump, and have quietly slunk away, usually with a scream of "The Last Judgement is Fascist!"

Leigh Rubin saw it coming in 2018.

At the other end of the spectrum, many devout Catholics, such as Pope Francis, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Blase Cupich, Arthur Roche, James Martin, Austen Ivereigh and Massimo Faggioli, have declared themselves ready to meet the Last Trump as "We were right along!"

No comment needed.

So far @RealLastTrump has not Tweeted, but we expect a Judgement any time now.

The Arthur Roche Thanksgiving Mass

The scene: Leeds Cathedral, Yorkshire.

The date: Monday 14th November 2022.

The event: A thanksgiving mass to celebrate the elevation of the former Leeds bishop Arthur Roche to greatness (or at least the college of cardinals).

Present: Just about all the Catholic bishops of England and Wales...

The great man is truly sorry for the pain felt by traditional worshippers.

Unfortunately, the Livestream wasn't working (this is true, like everything else so far in this post), so we can only reconstruct the event ourselves...

The event was well-attended. The congregation included numerous members of the Latin Mass Society, all wearing their "SAVE THE TLM" tee-shirts; also, some of Uncle Arthur's best friends from Leeds: the LADHISS (Leeds and District Heavyweight Ice-Skating Society), and various vendors of cakes, puddings, and pies (now fallen on hard times since our hero left).

Luckily, one can also buy light snacks in Rome.

Some mischievous person switched all the books, so that Roche might have had to offer a TLM rather than a Novus Ordo Mass, but the great man was not phased out by this and managed to improvise a NO service.

Then, when it came to the part of the service where the cardinal said "With Francis our Pope and Me, your unworthy servant", a great cry of "YES!" went out from the congregation - which somehow failed to please Uncle Arthur.

Anyway, a good time was had by all, and the Leeds United fans who carried Uncle Arthur head-high from the cathedral and dumped him in the River Aire have been severely reprimanded.

An army marches on its stomach.

Satan appointed to Pontifical Academy for Life

Archbishop Paglia has expressed his delight at the appointment of Satan, the well-known religious figure, as a new member of the Pontifical Academy for Life. In a statement on Twitter, Monsignor Paglia said "The @PontAcadLife is grateful to the Holy Father for the appointment of new Members of the Academy. Together with existing Members they will provide unique expertise as the #Magisterium addresses new challenges and strengthens commitment to #Jesus and His commands."

The PAL in session.

Satan's CV is indeed impressive, and he is known to have personal experience of Jesus and His commands. Attracting such a well-known figure to the academy is clearly a great coup for Pope Francis. It was at first thought that the Father of Lies would be reluctant to join, having seen that another of those appointed for a five-year term is the pro-abortion Mariana Mazzucato, but "Hey! We all have to tolerate people with more extreme views than we have ourselves," he said.

Will Satan be able to work with colleagues such as Mazzucato?

Satan was mentioned in Austen Ivereigh's 2020 Book "Go away, Austen, I'm trying to get some sleep", where the Pope described his work as "thinking that is not ideological, which moves beyond the polarization of free market capitalism and state socialism". Oh, sorry, that was Mazzucato.

Even the Babble-on Bean has taken note...

Naturally the Illiterati are excited about the appointment of Satan to the Pontifical Academy. The Babble-on Bean, a satirical website run by Massimo Faggioli, is full of praise for him as a moderating influence on the PAL. And of course Christopher Lamb has rushed to interview him.

It is hoped that this appointment will help restore the reputation of PapePAL, as the Pontifical Academy is commonly known, especially as so many people have deserted it recently. The British parliament in particular is delighted, having just voted to criminalize prayer, genuflection and even crossing oneself within a buffer zone round abortion clinics.

Inflammatory slogans such as "WE CAN HELP" are to be banned!

Melon girl bad!

Some of our leading Catholic commentators (notably Massimo "Beans" Faggioli and Christopher "Lambchop" Lamb) have pointed out that the beliefs of the probable new prime minister of Italy, Giorgia Meloni, are hard-right, fascist, extremist, worse even than the hated orange man Trump, definitely something that would make even Mussolini say "Hang on, you're going a bit far there!"

Melon girl bad!

These beliefs include:

1. Claiming to be a Catholic Christian.
2. Opposition to abortion.
3. Opposition to euthanasia.
4. Opposition to same-sex "marriage" and "parenting".
5. Defence of the Biblical male/female family.

Golly! I can hardly bear to copy down such a manifesto of hard-right fascist filth!

Top commentator Lambchop of the Bitter Pill.

It is vitally important that Italy should have a prime minister more in sympathy with Catholic values, namely:

1. Claiming to be a "devout" Catholic, perhaps of the Bidenesque sort
who has new batteries fitted every Sunday morning so that he can
stagger off to church and fall asleep.

2. Encouragement of abortion, as late-term as possible. 

3. Euthanasia - well, be careful here, for if we are going to get
rid of old useless people then some presidents and popes may need
to worry. Correction. Apparently this only applies to
killing old people who are not millionaires.

4. Support of same-sex anything-you-like and suppression of all
opposition, which is described as "hate", "bigotry", etc. even 
though 50 years ago everyone would have agreed that same-sex
marriage was a joke.

5. The Bible!? Sheesh! This went out with the Synod of all Synods.
Ask Austen Ivereigh, who has been too busy acting as an "expert"
to join the concerted attack on the Melon Girl.

Ice-cream man good!

Melon, lamb chop, beans and ice-cream. A good recipe for indigestion.

The synod to end all synods

Yes, it's the synod to end all synods. A small group of specially-chosen "experts" is going through all the reports received from people who felt they needed a good moan about the Catholic Church. Do we want gender-fluid bishops? A new Bible with all the embarrassing bits about sin removed? The canonization of George Floyd? Embezzlement to be no longer a sin? Well, Francis is favourable to most of these, so we just have to find a way of changing Catholic teaching without too much of a revolt (cf. Amoris Laetitia).

The experts have to be fit. Here they are seen doing exercise number 666 in the Bishop Barron Weightwatchers Guide.

Show and tell! As a bonding exercise, the experts are encouraged to bring items that mean something to them - portraits of their family, idols, bottles of port, etc. - to share with the other experts.

Our resident psychiatrist, Dr Spotda Luni, remarks "These graffiti, produced by a disturbed teenager in the Church of Bedlam synodal group, show severe signs of schizophrenia. Is the patient for or against fidelity, intolerance, deep why care (whatever that may be), and abuse? Is it just a long nightmare, or were drugs involved? We doctors find that encouraging nutters (apologies for using a technical term) to do brain dumps like this can help them to become more accepted by society.

Finally, Austen Ivereigh leads the experts in a dance to celebrate the fact that their work is over and the Catholic Church is now indistinguishable from the Church of England.

The eight worst cardinals

The second World Cup of Bad Cardinals has reached the quarter-final knockout stage, and we have the following contests to look forward to.

Roche v Gregory, McElroy v Cupich, Marx v Parolin, and Maradiaga v Coccopalmerio.

Comparing this with the first World Cup, we have promising newcomers Roche, Gregory and McElroy, displacing Kasper (mostly retired from heresy these days), Danneels (dead) and Tobin (nighty, nighty, Joe!). The other five are old lags, and it will be interesting to see how they cope against the new boys.

Results to be posted here as we get them.

Arthur Roche 69.0 v Wilton Gregory 31.0.

Wilt has been as onboxious as possible recently, but Arthur is clearly a class act too. The English supporters are already crying "The trophy's coming home!"

Uncle Arthur, hater of the TLM, lover of cake.

Uncle Wilt, another hater of the TLM, lover of Biden.

Robert McElroy 16.2 v Blase Cupich 83.8.

Rob is a promising newcomer (definitely the sort of person we expect to see Francis appoint as a cardinal), but the current champion, Soapy Sue, wipes the floor with him.

"Why do they talk about my covering up of abuse, and not of my Judo skills?"

Our current champion ticks all the boxes: LGBT rights, suppression of the TLM, etc. etc.

Reinhard Marx 67.3 v Pietro Parolin 32.7.

Silver medallist from last time, Rhino has been working hard on his heresies, and is determined to get a medal this time. Parolin has modelled himself on Judas Iscariot, at least as far as China is concerned, but on the day the boy was outclassed.

Silver medallist last time, and continues to disgust.

"Chinese sell-outs? Financial scandals? Not me!"

Oscar Maradiaga 44.2 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 55.8.

The closest of the four quarter-finals. Both are experienced fighters, with reputations that are hard to choose between. So Cocco takes it, but he will not be asked to take a drug test.

"Financial and sexual scandals? Me?"

"Drug-fuelled homosexual orgies? You must be thinking of someone else."

---

SEMI-FINALS.

Arthur Roche 66.4 v Reinhard Marx 33.6

Blase Cupich 72.8 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 27.2

---

THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF.

Reinhard Marx 63.5 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 36.5

The silver medallist in 2019, Rhino Marx, has to settle for the bronze medal. Cocaine Palmerio takes the 4th place as he did last time.

---

THE FINAL.

Arthur Roche 46.4 v Blase Cupich 53.6

After a hard-fought contest, the 2019 champion, Blase Cupich, wins the gold again, and Arthur Roche has to settle for the silver medal and the "most promising newcomer" award.

The 2nd World Cup of Bad Cardinals - the runners

Well, it's not quite 4 years since the first World Cup of Bad Cardinals, but for obvious reasons now seems like an appropriate time to give the new talent a chance to compete with the old boys.

The medallists last time.

We now have [now updated] 32 nominations, consisting of all those who reached Round 2 last time (apart from Godfried Danneels who reached the last 8 but soon after went to his just reward), together with a few new guys who look very promising.

Jean-Marc Aveline
Lorenzo Baldisseri
Giovanni Becciu
Tarcisio Bertone
Joao Braz de Aviz
Francesco Coccopalmerio
Blase Cupich
Michael Czerny
Timothy Dolan
Francisco Errázuriz Ossa
Kevin Farrell
Oswald Gracias
Mario Grech
Wilton Gregory
Jean-Claude Hollerich
Walter Kasper
Roger Mahony
Oscar Maradiaga
Reinhard Marx
Robert McElroy
Wilfrid Napier
Vincent Nichols
Seán O'Malley
Marc Ouellet
Pietro Parolin
Arthur Roche
Christoph Schönborn
Leonardo Steiner
Luis Tagle
Joseph Tobin
Silvano Tomasi
Donald Wuerl

[Now updated.] Since we now have the magic 32 entrants, nominations are closed, and the competition will start on Friday 2nd September.

Oh, and we excluded popes, past and present, and also Uncle Ted McCarrick.

"Eccles simply doesn't appreciate my achievements."

An interview with Arthur Roche

I was privileged to join Christopher Lambchop (of the Bitter Pill) and Christopher Whitebait (of the Fishwrap) in a sycophantic intervew of Uncle Arthur Roche, although I did not say much.

I also missed out on the photo.

Chris (one or the other): Your Eminence, what is it like being the most wonderful Catholic of our era, or indeed any era?

Arthur: I came from 'umble origins, Batley in Yorkshire. We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Chris: And now, who'd have thought that you'd be drinking Château de Chasselas and stuffing yourself with cinnabons, eh, your Holiness?

Arthur: Aye, we 'ad it tough. But I worked my way to the top, first as a champion ice-skater, then Bishop of Leeds, then jobs in Rome, and - who knows? - will I be the next pope? I'm already sounding out little Austen Ivereigh to write a hagiography of me!

"I think I'd look better in white, Holy Father."

Chris: I guess you first came to the notice of those above when you started closing churches in Leeds, your Sublimity. Wasn't the DVD that you produced explaining this top of the charts in Yorkshire for two years, O saintly one?

Arthur: Yes, this was my finest hour in England. My idea has even been taken up by Pope Francis!

Chris: Could you explain that, your Vastness?

Arthur: All cardinals are assigned a church in Rome. Mine is San Saba. But the Holy Father has just sent me a DVD explaining that San Saba is to close, and all new cardinals are being given beach houses instead. Apparently, this was Ted McCarrick's idea.

Closing down.

Chris: A brilliant idea, your Rotundness. Now, tell us more about your plans to burn all TLM worshippers at the stake, if you'd be so kind, Mightiness.

Arthur: Some people are stubbornly opposing what the Church - well, Pope Francis not Pope Benedict obviously - has actually decreed.

Both Chrises: Sing adoration to Pope Francis!

Arthur: It's a very serious matter. In the end people have to ask themselves: am I really a Catholic or am I more of a Protestant?

Eccles (for it is he): You're more of a Protestant?

Omnes: SHUT UP, ECCLES!

"The dissolution of the monasteries? We're calling it Traditionis Custodes."

James Martin apologises

Well, you know how it is. One of your best mates dies, and he just happens to be an embezzler who stole $450,000 to pay off a homosexual partner, while at the same time covering up sex abuse. Oh, and in his spare time he was an archbishop. Well, de mortuis nil nisi bonum as it says in the Latin rite, so you brush this under the carpet and make a statement on Twitter saying how wonderful he was. (Next week on this blog... how Hitler was a gifted painter.)

Your devoted fans, the Jimbies, will back you up.

FATHER JAMES MARTIN WHO WRITES THOSE GREAT BOOKS ON HOW TO BE GAY SAYS THAT WEAKLAND WAS AN ERUDITE SCHOLAR AND A GIFTED PASTOR SO THERE IS NO POINT ARGUING THAT HE WAS AN EMBEZZLER WHO COVERED UP CHILD ABUSE DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS WHO HAVE DONE THAT SORT OF THING?

However, others are less charitable, and you find yourself facing a barrage of criticism, and not just from those dreadul Catholics who also happen to be Christians. Your next book BUILDING A HIGHWAY TO TRANS-CATHOLICISM may be rejected as the Book of the Month by the Jesuit LGBTSJ Club. Pope Francis is backing you, but then who is backing Francis these days?

Jim faces criticism.

Well, perhaps it is best to back down, and issue a statement withdrawing your foolish remarks on Twitter. Here is a draft apology, although in the end you don't go quite as far as this.

Dear friends: I've deleted my original tweets about Archbishop Weakland. I've also deleted my tweets promoting LGBT issues, referring to the Holy Spirit as "she", claiming that a Canaanite woman told Jesus what to say, referring to Mary Magdalene as the first pope, praising Ignatian Yoga, and backing Joe Biden. Unfortunately, there's not a lot left.

Al Capone makes a statement on the Chicago massacre

Chicago, 1929.

Cardinal Al Capone of the Chicago Outfit has issued a statement concerning the suppression of the North Side Institute on Febuary 14th (the St Valentine's Day Mass-acre).

Cardinal Capone tries to look inconspicuous.

"On February 14th, seven members of the North Side Community communicated to the archdiocese that they had decided to stop breathing and instead bleed to death through certain holes in their bodies. It was their choice to do so."

"They were not killed. We did not shoot them. They chose to discontinue altogether."

"The community had the option to continue living under our guidelines and decided not to," added a spokeswoman for Cardinal Capone. “It is a false statement that we have a ban on their activities. They are welcome to worship in any way they choose, provided that they receive permission from the Archdiocese."

The spokeswoman added that, in line with the wishes of Mafia boss Big Frank Bergoglio, as interpreted by Arthur "Even Bigger" Roche, the Community had only needed to comply with 79 conditions requested by Al Capone, one of which required them to be dead.

Mysteriously, the dead men all shot themselves in the back.

It is not known how this Mass-acre will affect the popularity of Cardinal Capone, but there is no doubt that Big Frank is delighted.

If you don't know what this post is about, take a look at the blog of Father "Z" Uhlsdorf.

A successful week for Pope Francis

As Pope Francis keeps telling us, he is an old man, and starting to slow down. He hasn't slapped a pilgrim for several weeks, nor personally insulted a cardinal for a month or two. So it is with great pleasure that we can list some of the achievements of his recent trip to Canada.

Confined to a wheelchair but still in control!

1. Idolatory. Pachamama is so 2019, and a go-ahead pope who wants to troll the Catholic Church has got to find a new object of pagan worship. So we are delighted to welcome the Western grandmother, invoked in a "smudging ritual", in which noxious smoke is wafted round the room. Whether she will catch on with Francis-Catholics (now mainly Ivereigh, Lamb, Faggioli and Spadaro) is unclear, but here's Granny!

2. Fake confessions. Who are we to judge, but it may be thought that most Catholics - even the pope - have enough sins of their own to confess without confessing other people's. But no, in a brilliant innovation, Pope Francis has apologised to the Canadians, expressing deep shame and sorrow for various abuses that may or may not have taken place. Well, it certainly stopped anyone from asking embarrassing questions about Gussie Zanchetta!

"Don't worry, Gus, some future pope can apologise for us!"

3. A ritual kick at traditional Catholics. They just won't go away, will they, Francis? That TRADGON deodorant that Arthur Roche bought you doesn't seem to be working. A few bishops share your vindictive attitude to people who are used to the older forms of worship, but most are still ignoring you and hoping that the men in white coats will soon cart you off to the loony bin. Meanwhile, however, carry on insulting! Today's new one is BACKWARDIST. A good one, eh? When your popemobile is rushing down the hill towards a chasm, it's the backwardist who tries to stop it. Austen Ivereigh thinks it's brilliant!

4. Evolution of doctrine. As Pope Francis keeps stressing, doctrine evolves. What was a sin in the 1960s (or even the 1st century) may no longer be a sin! Conversely, there are new sins, such as advertising a Latin Mass in your parish bulletin, which earlier popes would have thought hilarious. Watch out, Humanae Vitae, we're gunning for you!

A nasty rigid backwardist pope! Which idiot canonized him? Oh...

Scalfari interviews Satan

The scene: Hell. Satan is relaxing in a comfortable chair. Suddenly the late Eugenio Scalfari materialises before him.

Satan: Ah, Scalfari. How nice to see you. Do you know who I am?

Scalfari: Hmm, a strong smell of brimstone, an atmosphere of evil. Of course! I am in the archdiocese of Chicago, and you must be Blase Cupich!

Satan: Well, nearly right. In fact, you've died and gone to Hell. My name is Satan. How are you? Apart from being dead, I mean.

Our ace reporter.

Scalfari: Fine, thanks. Now what's going on?

Satan: Well, I thought we could make your stay in Hell more comfortable if we put you to some use. Would you mind interviewing me?

Scalfari: Well, I seem to have got my hearing back, so that would make things go more smoothly. I won't have to make things up.

Satan: No problem if you do. After all, I am the Father of Lies.

Scalfari: But why do you need to be interviewed, anyway? You have regular columns in America magazine, the National Catholic Reporter, and the Tablet...

Satan: Also I'm a regular contributor to Where Peter Is and a few other Catholic blogs! Still, all publicity is evil publicity, as we say down here. Now, start asking questions.

Scalfari: So what exactly are your religious beliefs?

Satan: Well, in fact I'm a devout Catholic, although of course I feel that doctrine needs to evolve.

Scalfari: Do you receive communion?

Satan: No, unfortunately, I am confined to Hell. Still, I do have many agents on the Earthly Plane. Blase. Jimbo. Fat Arthur. Joe. Nancy... They sell me their souls and I give them great power and success. How else do you think such no-hopers got so far?

"Now remember, today's code phrase is 'Nighty-night, baby'."

Scalfari: I see. All these absurd cardinals that Pope Francis keeps creating?

Satan: We don't make it too obvious. One or two genuine Catholics are kept on the list as well. Although we took care to delete Chaput, Cordileone, and a few others who looked too dangerous.

Scalfari: Great. Now, any comments for our readers on Traditionis Custodes, which is coming up to its first anniversary?

Satan: The idea came to Pope Francis in a dream - well, I put it there. How best to cause division in the Catholic Church, other than by persecuting all the people who worshipped in the traditional way?

There is a knock on the door and a servant enters.

Satan: Ah, Pachamama! Two teas, please! With added brimstone.

"Have a nice cup of tea."

---

Thanks to Johann du Toit for an idea.

New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

Uncle Arthur gets his red hat

There will be dancing in the streets of Yorkshire tonight at the news that Batley boy Uncle Arthur Roche has finally been given a red hat by Pope Francis, if they can find one big enough to fit his head (Gammarelli are already preparing some XXXXXXL robes for the new cardinal).

"Can you do this beanie style in red?"

From the humble beginnings where Arthur developed his hatred for the TLM ("We 'ad it tough. When I were a lad they made us go to Mass and it were all in Latin, and the priest wouldn't even turn round and smile at us"), he rose to becoming bishop of Leeds, where he was known for starring in a video nasty - a DVD sent round to parishes explaining that he wanted to close them.

But Arthur really became famous when he took over from Cardinal Sarah at the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in 2021 (he had been secretary since 2012, and everyone said that his dictation and typing were excellent). At the CDW he became responsible for sorting out the mess after Pope Francis had a bad fit and produced Traditionis Custodes as a way of trolling traditional Catholics.

Harmonious days at the CDW.

Arthur was restrained from producing more video nasties showing how LGBT Masses and Clown Masses were really the way forward for modern Catholicism, but he did produce some Guidelines on the interpretation of TC that were even more deranged than Pope Francis had achieved:

* It is all the fault of traditional worshippers who have 
inexplicably become critical of Pope Francis since TC was issued.
* Even though TC was intended as a conciliatory way of getting rid 
of the TLM and its fans.
* Latin is a dead language, so Caveat Emptor 
and Quod erat demonstrandum! as we say in Batley.
* It is forbidden to advertise TLMs in the church bulletin.
* In fact attending one is a mortal sin, far worse than abortion
or LGBT stuff (which we rather approve of anyway).
* Liturgical dancing is encouraged, and I am available for
skating demonstrations for those churches equipped with ice-rinks.
* Can I have my red hat now, love*?

*A traditional Yorkshire way of addressing anyone from the pope downwards.

There is no truth in claims that Arthur Roche is ambitious.

There was more top trolling from Pope F when he announced the creation of 21 new cardinals. This stamps on the face of the Catholic Church puts his stamp on the future of the Church, and the other name to watch is Bishop Robert Walter McElroy, of San Diego, variously described as "Even worse than Cupich", "A great Sodano", and "Ted McCarrick's pal".

Are YOU an extreme liberal Catholic priest who has been inexplicably refused a red hat? If so email francis_trash@vatican.va with your CV, and we'll see what we can do next time.

* No previous evidence of competence necessary. In fact it's a handicap.
* Points are won by supporting LGBT issues, Nancy Pelosi, or the 
Synodal Path to cutting the Church into heretical pieces.

In next month's news - how Fr James Martin LGBTSJ became a cardinal.